this old cocoon

goodbye Blogger.

2009-03-08T14:20:00.004-04:00

I've been looking for a new content management system for awhile now. I've finally found what I've been looking for in Tumblr. I had heard about Tumblr last year, but I ignored it because it was following the (dumb) trend of Flickr, in dropping the 'e' in the name. Yes, that's actually the reason I didn't want to know what it actually did.

So this means that after 8 years of a brand loyalty to Blogger, I'm going to have to say goodbye to her. My little brother had a free domain registration, and so my new location will be at it's very own website!

So please update your RSS feeds and bookmarks to: http://jessinhotpink.com :)

the elephant in the room

2009-03-04T10:49:00.004-05:00

If you could see me right now I think you would laugh as your heart went out to me in some sort of amused pity. I'm sitting here in my PJs, still in bed eating Cadbury Mini Eggs (for breakfast) reading article on article about singleness.

I'm not sad. Really, I promise. But I would like to discuss the elephant in the room. I've been thinking about this on and off the last couple weeks/months. I haven't been very honest about it ever before because I think there is a lot of embarrassment attached to it because I don't want to feel this way. I guess I'll explain how this started. Last night I watched a really informative interview (it starts around 26:00) about men mostly because I had too much Pepsi before I went to bed and couldn't sleep so I figured I'd do something semi-productive. Then I woke up this morning wondering why I felt that pang of loneliness in my heart. Oh right. It's because I watched this video on essentially how to be a good wife and I definitely do not have a husband right now.

So then I went to Boundless (even though sometimes I hate that website) to find something that would encourage me or rebuke me or something. I found this article that did rebuke me but also pointed out that I'm totally not crazy.

You see, in the last few weeks a few of my friends have started relationships. This is REALLY WONDERFUL. I'm very pleased for them! But let's be honest, it's not exactly easy to all of a sudden be hearing all this information about how wonderful the man is in their life. Because they're my friends and I love them and I truly want to know what's going on in their life, I ask them about the relationship. How is it going? What are you learning? Etc. I totally want to journey with them on this thing. But then the other part of me is seriously like "if I hear another comment about how wonderful their life is now that they're not single I might go crazy". I don't want to feel this way. Like the author of the article said and I'm embarrassed to admit it's true about me (but I'll say it for the sake of everyone else who has thought the same thing at one point or another), "God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible."

But it is; it's commanded.

This whole scenario reminds me of a situation that happened in my house a few years ago. I had a housemate who was in a relationship and she talked about it a lot - like most girls do. One day another single housemate kind of blew up and said something to the effect of, "Please don't talk about him anymore to me. I can't handle it." The friend who was in the relationship was really hurt and confused. The single girl later went back to her and repented for what she said and admitted that she did want to be a part of Relationship Girl's life, it was just really hard for Single Girl. I think this is a common dillema. If a single girl is truly ok with you talking about your boyfriend/husband all the time, it's because God has brought her into a season of real contentment, or she's lying to you. I've pretty much done it. The lying part. I think it was more out of a desire to want to be ok with my singleness when I wasn't really as ok as I had thought. On the other hand, I've also been through those seasons where I was totally so OK with being single because I was so excited about what God had for me in the present.

In my article jumping this morning I found another one called "Seven Myths Single Women Believe" and it's SO TRUE. I'll list them here so you can be lazy:

God will give me a husband when I'm ready
God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child
When it's the right guy, I'll just know
When I get married, then my life will begin
Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs
There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest
The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone.

In my life thus far I have believed every one of these myths at one point or another. For the longest time I believed 1-4. Mostly #4.

But when I got over #4 I started believing #2 again. Like, I'm serving some sort of purpose as a single person and once that purpose as a single is served I'll get a husband. There's probably some truth to that, but it totally ignores the fact that God loves me because it's his nature, not because I've done my single-woman duties.

And then other times I wonder, is my problem that I have too much choice? If this were the 1950s I would have probably settled down with a guy already because I would have not been so driven to accomplish my own things and had my own ideas of what I want that go above and beyond just a Godly man. Challies reminded me of this today in his article. Sometimes I also wonder if the characteristics I'm looking for in a man are too specific and I'm setting this standard of "perfection" that no man can really live up to? Or are these qualities things God has put in my heart because He knows what I need better than I do? I resigned to trust that they were God-given until he changed my heart about them. This article called "My Single Identity Baggage" was challenging too.

Anyways, I have been duly rebuked by the first article. I need to rejoice with those who rejoice. I have always wanted to, but I guess I felt justified in my mini pity party.

I really am happy for you, friends in relationships. I'm going to be better at rejoicing with you in word and in spirit. And one day you will be able to rejoice with me too!

What do you mean when you say God is Sovereign?

2009-03-02T13:49:00.005-05:00

The other day I somehow stumbled upon @ZachRamsay. I think maybe cause he requested to follow me on twitter. One of his tweets peaked my interest so I followed the link which led me to this blog post called What Do You Mean When You Say God Is Sovereign?. It's been something that I've been thinking about a lot in the last several months, as I'm sure you know, with being sick and in MPD. The post outlines four different understandings of Sovereignty: meticulous sovereignty, providential sovereignty, providential oversight & influential oversight. I have feared meticulous sovereignty in the past and I think I tend to believe in providential sovereignty, but sometimes wonder about providential oversight.

I was thinking about this specifically last week. I had a conversation with a coworker last fall about prayer & fasting and was reminded of it. I mostly believe in providential sovereignty. God has something already ordained to happen and then He moves my heart to pray/fast for that thing to happen before it did. But then I was reminded of times in the OT when people would pray/fast specifically to change God's mind about something. I guess I get confused sometimes about that. How do the two work together?

I know that God is omniscient and is way beyond intelligent and doesn't necessarily fit into these categories. Sometimes when I'm trying to understand it I think about a world Robert Jordan created in his fantasy novel series Wheel of Time that I read when I was 13 or 14. Basically there's this portal that moves people into an alternate space of time - a place where in the past something happened differently and this world was created based on how the implications of that difference. In modern history, for example, there would be an alternate world that looked very different because Hitler died of venereal disease before WWII happened. In the book there were like infinity of these other worlds based on major and minor decisions that were different from the "real world". When I get really confused, sometimes I pretend that since God is omniscient it's possible that he has allllll of those possibilities in mind and operates using all of that knowledge to work out his active will.

For those of you who actually read this, of those 4 explanations of Sovereignty which do you tend to believe is how God operates?

tasty tasty death

2009-02-27T20:32:00.002-05:00

This may just be one of the most unique advertising strategies I've ever seen. It is disturbing, funny and (I think) effective. Considering I don't even like Cadbury Creme Eggs and I want one. Prepare for shock and awe. You really have to watch the whole thing until the last one. You will know the finale when you see it. I gasped, totally shocked at what I was seeing.

Welcome to the world of my disturbing sense of humour.

Watch it now. (about 2.5 minutes in total).

things not to do in MPD

2009-02-26T12:00:00.001-05:00

stand up a supporter. (especially when you're supposed to go to their place for dinner).
When you book an appointment with someone, make sure that if you cannot any longer attend that you ACTUALLY cancel the appointment instead of thinking you've canceled it. Coming home to a message on your answering machine that states "We made an appointment with you last week and I've made dinner and I'm wondering where you are" is KIND OF TOTALLY BAD. And then having to call and redeem yourself is also totally awkward and difficult. Thank goodness for fridges and they can be eating lots of leftovers??? ok i'm totally trying to make myself feel better here.

So when I called to apologize, the wife said in this sweet voice, "Oh well there is only one person who was perfect and they crucified him."

That's either totally gracious or a hidden threat haha.

I choose to ooze with enthuuuusiasm

2009-02-25T10:12:00.007-05:00

Yesterday was reminiscent of when I was sick. Things seemed less bright and hopeful. Today when I woke up one of my first thoughts was, "Ugh. Kathy calls at 12:30. I should make some calls before she calls me. Ugh. I hate calling. When will this be over?!"

I got up out of bed with this bad attitude in my heart. I didn't like how it felt. I thought I had grown out of that in the last couple weeks. It was like pants that fit too tight and give you a muffin top... so unfortunate. I was quickly reminded of prayer. "Lord, I don't want to have this attitude. Help me to see this as an opportunity. Help me rejoice in the calls that I have to make today and help me to make the choice to be happy about my circumstances."

Immediately, I felt hopeful and almost excited to make the scary calls this morning. I used to enjoy clinging to my bad attitudes and hard heart. I think this might be changing. Maybe that's partly what this epicly long MPD business is all about: beating my bad attitudes out of me by forcing me to face them day after day after day after day after day until I don't like them anymore and want to put them to DEATH.

And maybe, just maybe, it's finally working.

Bible Study Magazine

2009-02-23T10:31:00.006-05:00

I just found this. Logos Bible software is now making a magazine called Bible Study Magazine. Right now a yearly subscription is DIRRRRT cheap at $14.95 (+ $9.95 shipping & handling). I'm not sure how long the discount is on for so if you're interested, do it now. It's a 48 page magazine that covers topics from:
- D.I.Y. Bible Study: Learn how to effectively use Bible study tools with our how-to guides.
- Greek Word Study: without Greek Contextual insights about specific words in four easy steps.
- What They Don't Tell You in Church: Challenging facts about the Bible in the ancient world.
- Feature Stories Great interviews and articles with the biggest names in the church and biblical scholarship help you connect the Bible to your ministry and life.

Hmm.... I should work on commission.

Also, there's a promotional give-away happening. You can win one of: a copy of Driscoll's Vintage Church, a subscription to the magazine or a copy of Logos Bible Software. Check it out here.

1-2-3-4-5-6 switch

2009-02-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

I haven't been bored in over 2 months. "That's good!" you're thinking. No, actually, not really. I haven't been bored because I haven't wanted to do anything. If I've accomplished anything it's because I've forced myself to or someone else has forced me to do it.

But today, I was bored. I didn't have a lot of calling to do. I've been tearing through Min Prep books. I got bored. I was tired, had a nap, made cookies. I'm about to do some more calling but seriously? BOREDOM. There's only so much reading a person can do in the day. I finally feel motivated to do things, and have nothing to do. Seriously. Earlier I was going to avoid calling, but now I'm so bored I'm actually going to call. CALLING OUT OF BOREDOM IS A BAD SIGN. haha i'm going to go crazy before I reach Montreal I fear. Craziness from the country/small town. Mark my words.

Ok I'm going to go call. Then runnnnnn on the treadmill. run run run my boredom away. Maybe this will work out in my favour after all.

hope is rising

2009-02-14T19:29:00.001-05:00

There is a spring in my step, a smile in my heart. While most of the world is out spending time with their date, I'm in my living room while my dad watches the hockey game. I think this is the first v-day that I haven't been super cynical or throbbing with discontent about my singleness. I'm fine. I'm happy! And considering the last few months, I'm grateful for that. A girl has gotta be thankful for any crumbs that fall off the Master's table.

'f'-ing like crazy

2009-02-12T15:59:00.002-05:00

I'm back at it. Getting into the swing of things again. I don't think I will ever really enjoy MPD, I have to admit. But I'm starting to see my insecurities and weaknesses in it and I know it will make me a way better person. In the past few weeks I have seriously questioned whether I'm cut out for it or not and I concluded that I am not. I can do a lot of things but this I can't.

So I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I fake things. A lot. I don't mean I lie or plagiarize, I just mean that I fake confidence when inside I'm freaking out. I make it look like on the outside I have confidence but really inside I'm repeating "Help me Jesus! Help me Jesus!" Tonight when I try and make phone calls I will be trying to fake even to myself that I can do this, that I'm capable (or at least that Christ in me is).

I can tell you that it's good practice, cause when I get to campus I'm going to be faking it allllllll the time cause I feel neither confident nor qualified like I did before.

Thats me, fake-y-fakerrr

again i say rejoice

2009-02-05T16:18:00.004-05:00

A few times in the last month I have looked at my life and thought, "Lord, where is your mercy?" I have seen how MPD has dragged on insufferably and most days seem like a struggle to accomplish anything worthwhile. Each time I have thought these things I have felt my heart harden a bit.

Like last fall when I was struck by McCain's concession speech, today God stirred my heart to conviction. All of a sudden I felt convicted of a heart attitude of pride. Who was I that I felt I deserved God's mercy? What brought me to feel like He owed it to me that this season of perseverance would end?

I felt both my heart and my spirit soften today as I acknowledged God's headship in my life and chose to willingly submit to His will for me recognizing that every gift from God is good and should be received with thanksgiving.

ok hi! is this real life?

2009-02-04T14:43:00.007-05:00

Here are some things I've been enjoying in the last month:

Boxxy. I just can't get enough. Aside from her being really ridiculous, there's this huge backstory as to why her videos became viral. Trust me, in my own insanity I've spent a few hours reading about it. it's nuts.
Google Latitude (It seems both cool and totally creepy)
Fiction Family (Jon Foreman's new music project)
Trial (Driscoll's newest sermon series. I've really benefited from it).

Aaand because I love bacon so much, here is a tip on how maximize your bacon consumption over a long period of time (without it going bad).... although it isn't a commentary on how to avoid heart disease :(

also this is hilarious. i can attest that morphine brings about similar feelings.

things I haven't felt for a long time

2009-01-29T22:31:00.003-05:00

eager.
courage.
purpose.
energetic.
light hearted.
anticipation.
happiness.
strength.
hope.
joy!

welcome back.

Challies on Weakness

2009-01-28T12:57:00.002-05:00

Tim Challies' post today on weakness voices a lot of what I've been learning the last few years and months. The following three points are things that God has been showing me during my time in university and I thought I would pass on to those of you who don't read his blog.

I have come up with a list of three reasons that Christians need to be honest about expressing weakness and need.

First, expressing weakness is an expression of humility. Conversely, it is only pride that keeps me from making my needs known and asking others to minister to me. When I am filled with pride, a strong and ever-present foe, I would rather suffer silently than humble myself and allow others to extend help to me. Far too often I have feigned strength when I am filled only with weakness. Far too often I have allowed pride to overwhelm humility and have suffered in my sinful silence.

Second, expressing weakness allows others to plead for me before God. There are times when my prayers are weak and filled with doubt. There are times when I don’t even know what to pray or how to pray for myself. In these times it is comforting to know that others are praying for me and holding me up before the throne of grace. What a blessing it is to be part of a body where we can express the needs of others and bring these before God.

Finally, when I refuse to express my weakness I refuse to give other people the opportunity to minister to me. I withhold a blessing from them. It is a strange fact that, while I am always eager and willing to help those who reach out to me, I am far less eager to reach out to others. I cannot count the number of times that I have been blessed by having the opportunity to help others. While I attempt to see extending help and charity as a selfless act, an act primarily for my own benefit, it is sometimes difficult not to! I have had my faith challenged and strengthened and have been greatly blessed in helping others. When I have heard expressions of gratitude by those I’ve been able to help I have often had to say, with honesty and humility I think, that it was surely a greater blessing to be able to help than it was to receive assistance. Why is it, then, that I am so hesitant to allow others the opportunity to be blessed by helping me? It seems to me that I must be as sinful in refusing to help those in need as I am in refusing to allow them to bless and minister to me when I have need.

I hope you find this beneficial.

changes

2009-01-27T12:05:00.003-05:00

For awhile this past month I've been secretly horrified with myself, quietly confused with what's been happening in my heart and my head. It started one not so great day at Winter Conference when I was in an elevator with some french students. As they were talking, I realized I reallllly couldn't decipher much of what they were saying. In that moment it occurred to me that I didn't want to go serve on a french campus. In fact, in that moment I didn't want to be on campus at all.

These sentiments continued for most of the month. Not because I suddenly disliked campus ministry or the french language. It was, I think, mostly out of a fear of what felt like the impossible. How did I ever think I had what it takes to spend most of my time speaking French? (especially after it's been approximately 2 years since I've taken a french course).

But, as the end of the month approaches and with it comes the very likely prospect of MPD again, and as I considered the possibility of going to Colorado this summer for IBS I became excited. Excited!

And with that excitement came (get this!) a desire to get this MPD thing over with.

I'm getting antsy.

this is a very good sign.

The Source (Pt 2)

2009-01-22T12:04:00.005-05:00

That was a dream I had when I was about 16 or 17. It's always weirded me out, as I'm sure it did you as well. I still have no clue what the whole 'tribe of Judah' thing is in relation to my dream. Part of me wonders if one day that dream will make total sense.

I was reminded of the dream last weekend when I was talking to a friend about development issues. She brought up a story that she had heard that Brian McLaren had mentioned in one of his books. I just found it on Google Books and it turns out he is quoting Jim Wallis. The story goes like this: you see someone drowning in the river beside you. You wade out to rescue them and bring them to safety. As this person is drying off, you hear another scream for help and you see that another person is drowning. You wade out and help save this person, too. you bring them back to the hard, dry land and get them a towel. And then you hear another scream. You're starting to see a trend here and it occurs to you to look upstream, and there are many other people in the water. So you, or someone with you realizes, "We have to go upstream and stop these people from falling into the water in the first place!"

While helping people in crisis is really important, so is stopping those people from getting into said crisis. That's what my heart has been about development, and that is why it's been so upsetting to me because I want to find a source and cut it off. In the face of giant corporations who make more money than most countries do, in the face of rabid armies and all the other various huge challenges, like I've said before. Seems hopeless.

Last night, I was reading Romans 12. The last verse of Romans 12 is one I've heard countless times before. This time it hit me in a new way, as the Word of GOD has a tendency of doing. The verse is, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." I imagine you can see what I saw. I had been overcome by the evil in this world. This verse assumes that it is possible to overcome evil with good, an assumption I had never made before. In fact, I assumed it wasn't possible to overcome evil with good.

As I reflected on this, I could feel it rising in me. I'm getting my fight back.

The Source (Pt 1)

2009-01-22T12:01:00.002-05:00

I am under water. In the deep, dark depths of a body of water. I start swimming towards the surface, and can see as I'm traveling too slowly upward that the sky beyond is brooding. There is a storm at bay. But the storm in the sky brings much less fear to my heart than the realization that I am running out of air. My lungs burn, not with the feeling of a race well run but of the desperation of a lack of oxygen. I pump my legs and arms harder and harder. I begin to think that I might not make it to the surface.

There it is! I can feel my hand break the membrane of water into the cold, windy air above. Just before my head breaks the surface I realize the answer to my problems: the tribe of Judah! Somehow this brings relief, from what I'm not sure. As I gasp!!! for air, filling my lungs as deeply as possible with the sweet, sweet oxygen I had been denied for so long, I realize that I am in a very, very large body of water. An ocean, perhaps, as I cannot see land. What I can see all around me, though, are people in various stages of breaking the surface towards the life-bringing oxygen.

But after the wonderful, sweet realization that I have survived I come face to face with the terrifying understanding that I am one of many people here in this angry ocean, with no life boat and no land. I don't know who these people are or why they are here with me; I don't even know why I am here in this ocean, together with these strangers in anxiety but completely alone.

quarter-life crisis

2009-01-21T10:31:00.004-05:00

So I have this bad habit of blogging when I feel kind of crappy and then not updating it when I feel much better a few days later lol. Or in the case of my last post.... hours later?

Last week I kind of had a bit of an identity crisis. Actually, it's kind of ongoing, but it came to my attention last week. I was feeling like I didn't really know what defined me from any other Christian woman my age. I know there are things that make me different from my friends, but for some reason I guess my identity isn't rooted in those things.

I spoke with my counselor about it and she pointed out that if our identity is rooted in our ministry, clothes, family life, friends, money, or other things like this women especially tend towards depression because it's like building your house on sand. It wont hold up in the long run. I've realized that a lot of my identity is based on my personal ministry & who I am to other people. My big question is: if I decided to not finish my MPD (which I wont, I'm just saying hypothetically) what would I do???

I have no idea.

Formerly, I would have been allllllll over something international development related. But at this point in my life, I can't deal with that. Which, I think also lends itself to why I'm kind of identity confused. I used to be the person who would talk about injustice and corporate greed and all this kind of stuff; I was passionate about it. I'm not that person anymore. Well, in some ways I am but in other ways not really. I'm really struggling with knowing how I'm distinct from other friends who also love Canadian indie music and nerdy internet/computer things and art etc. A lot of what I like has to do with other people. I like to bake because I like when people really love my baking and praise me for it. Lame! Where did the self-assured, confident, strong, in-touch-with-who-I-am Jess go from High School? I'm like a giant blob of insecurity now.

Thankfully my counselor gave me a couple exercises to work through to help solidify in my mind "who I am". I realized that it's kind of a process of me understanding how i'm being inwardly renewed day by day. I know that there are parts of Jess from since I was born that are good and will stay a part of me and there are parts that I picked up in my university days that are also good, some that are not so good and need to be discarded. Some things need to be polished and others need to be gutted. This is what's happening to me right now and it can be kind of confusing inside haha. I feel like I'm 15 all over again! Thankfully, though, I'm a little less boy crazy this time around.

But in all, I realize this "identity crisis" that's going on is really important. It feels good to see the fruit of this time being sick. Before I didn't know why this was happening but now I see what it was that needed to change in my life and how I needed to be built up before I get on campus. I was talking to a friend about this and she kind of got all excited because she saw that God was rooting out of me my identity associations with ministry so that I can do it in a healthy manner when I actually get to campus. It's true.

I'm glad.

(side note: I titled this post after I wrote it & found out that my pet name "quarter-life crisis" is a reality for many people my age. Well, according to Wikipedia)

fact over feeling

2009-01-15T19:51:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was thinking about how a year and a half ago I started to investigate certain doctrinal issues more closely, namely election. As I've investigated more and more I've come to accept and appreciate it. In fact, in the last several months I've really come to find comfort in this theology that keeps God's Sovereignty at the heart of it. In difficult times, I can rest assured that God is sovereign.

Today was another crappy day. Last week was great, this week not so much. At what was probably my worst moments of the day I found these words that Job said:

He has walled up my way, so that I cannot pass,
and he has set darkness upon my paths. (Job 19:8 ESV)

The ESV Study Bible note on this verse says:

God's fence had at first kept trouble away from Job (1:10), but now it was a wall that gave Job no way of escape (cf. 3:23). The very scale of his suffering is, for Job, a sign of its divine origin.

God's Sovereignty can feel so wonderful at times and in moments of despair it can feel like a crime against me. Knowing that God allowed me to feel this, allowed me to feel disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. But I know that's the depression talking.

I guess this is just another opportunity for me to learn to love and praise him for what I intellectually know is a very very good thing but right now on this bad day doesn't feel so nice.

Beni soit le nom de Seigneur.

Shepherd

2009-01-13T15:44:00.005-05:00

The Lord is my Shepherd.
At December training several problems became apparent in my life. At the time I didn't really know how to deal with them, but God put people in my life to help me identify the changes I needed to make and he gave me people to help me make those changes. Over the last few weeks I've seen Him remind me of these things that I need to process, face, deal with and understand. Realizing & accepting the fact that I'm sick right now has really changed the dynamic of my relationship with God. Finally, after 22 years it has taken burnout and depression to make me really understand the truth that I am a child of God. Child. Admitting that this child needs to be led, taught, disciplined and take lots and lots of naps, admitting that I am not the person I thought I was - and I shouldn't be the person I had been striving to be -- these things have helped me submit to God better and to accept His Sovereignty in my life.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside still waters
Whether we like it or not, whether we feel we need it or not He will bring us to these green pastures. In my case it was kind of forced on me. But as with all things that are introduced to us by God, it was good and I came to like it. As much as August, September, October, November and December were extremely difficult for me; even though I went through many emotions of frustration, anger, weariness, impatience etc. all of these things were good because they brought me to the breaking point where I realized that the life I was living couldn't be the abundant life that Jesus promised me. When Jesus broke me he didn't leave me there to wither and die on my own, he started to put me back together in the most gentle, loving way: he made me lie down and rest in green pastures. These green pastures were hope that after the death of fall (and the death from the Fall of Man) comes the rebirth of spring (and hope in Eternity).

he restores my soul
Burnout was devastating. I was telling my counselor yesterday that burnout wasn't like being broken. In the past when I have felt broken it was like a mirror falling off a wall and breaking. The pieces were still big enough to put back in their original place, even if the mirror didn't look the same as it did before. Burnout felt like being turned into a pile of dust. I felt like even if I knew how to I couldn't go back to who I was. At times, I didn't even know who I was. I felt alienated unto my own self. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. Miraculously, it only took a few months for me to feel like mostly Jess again, even if I'm still not fully healthy yet. It has taken me more than a year to understand in my heart that soul restoration is so much better than going back to being able to function normally. Functioning, getting by, whatever is enough to get work done..... these things are cheap forgeries of the life God intends for us.

And that's the thing about asking God to make you the person He wants you to be. Oh, friend, He will. It just might not feel like rainbows and bunnies and lolipops and giggling babies. But after 6 days of work there is a day of rest, after war is peace, after this sin-filled earth is Paradise and after brokenness/being ground down to a pulp is restoration. Glorious restoration.

i feel like i need to defend myself

2009-01-12T22:51:00.003-05:00

For the record I remembered that I'm not totally cynical about the world. There is one topic that I can talk for ages and ages and ages about, with much hope, anticipation, excitement, and zeal. I will explain later, although I'm sure many of you already know what it is.

l'augmentation de la douleur, le fardeau

2009-01-11T11:25:00.006-05:00

In this one book my dad had for his role in church it was listing some traits & cautions of one of the gifts I supposedly have. It was really interesting because one of the cautions really impacted me and brought up what I have been trying to avoid dealing with these past months. It was a verse I know I have read before because I've read the book of Ecclesiastes, but I don't remember it affecting me like this before.

Ecclesiastes 1:18
For in much wisdom is much vexation,
and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow (ESV).

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief (NIV).

There are a couple reasons why this really hit me. The main reason being that I kind of feel like a bit of my spirit was killed because of my program at university. The information that I obtained about the world and the state it's in was pretty devastating. The nitty gritty details of sin so profound and perverse is overwhelming at best. In the last several months since graduating I knew I needed to do something about the attitude I had developed in response to the pain associated with my program and social justice movements. I just have yet to figure out a way.

A lot of you were at Eastern Winter Conference this past winter break and saw the film that Ken showed at the end of one of his sessions. It was a hard hitting short about the brokenness of the world and the questions we have for God that follow an awakening to this world's evil. I sobbed through the entire thing because it was saying everything I had been feeling. In fact, I couldn't even see the end because my weeping became so uncontrollable and loud.

When I was in university doing readings for my classes, it was not uncommon for me to cry throughout an article. It was not uncommon for me to have to take several breaks from reading just to read scripture to calm my soul. Four years of going deeper and deeper into the darkness of the human soul has got to impact a person. It did. In fact, it impacted me so much that I've felt like I had to completely compartmentalize everything I learned and ignore it because it was just too much to bear. All of the criticisms of each NGO, all of the boycotts of Wal-Mart for terrible human rights infringements and even acknowledgement of these HR tragedies, all of the economic war being waged under our noses in silence, all of the literal war that rages through Congo and Sudan and Gaza, all of the people being assassinated in South America by militias for Coke because these people are trying to fight to be unionized and get a wage they deserve... I've had to ignore it all because I just. can't. deal.

I know that God is Sovereign and that Jesus brings hope to this hurting world; to be very frank, this knowledge is likely the only thing that has kept me from the depths of despair as I've slowly lost all hope for humankind to save itself. I used to be a bright-eyed teenager who really, truly believed that sure there was sin, but there was still hope for us. Sometime my cynicism is overbearing and overcomes the Truth of God's Sovereignty as the weight of the knowledge of sin presses down on my weary little heart. Sometimes it's like I can feel the sin. It feels like an oil spill on humanity. The thick, unrefined oil that kills entire ecosystems in oceans, suffocating birds and fish alike and devastating coastal economies in its wake. Sometimes I see images in my mind of the atrocities going on in the world. Of children being torn from their mother's arms as their village burns in the background. No longer will that boy go to school to achieve his dream of being the village doctor, he is now a soldier. No longer will that joyful girl help her mother fetch the water and care for her little sister, she is now the sex slave of countless young militia boys for the LRA.

This is why I just don't think about it.

And yet, I feel bad about that too. I am confident that God got me into that program. It was a small-ish program of 60 students. My average was 5% lower than the cut-off and I got in when I know they rejected other students. So I know that somehow I should be using this knowledge I received. I know that had I not been in that program there would be a significantly smaller chance I would have joined staff and thus have the joy that seeing lives changed brings in my life.

So what do I do? I think I need to figure out how to channel this douleur into something good... and learn to cope with the vexation that knowledge brings. And talk to my counselor about this, since it seems to have similar roots that all my problems have: understanding what is my role and what is God's role.

(untitled)

2009-01-08T22:44:00.006-05:00

What is it with my email address that I get so many random emails that are meant for other people? Just now I got the following email:

From: S. P.
Subject: paragraph
Madame Losiels superficial outlook on life and only caring about material possessions and destroys their life. Madame Losiel claims “ Oh, nothing. Only I don’t have an evening dress and therefore I cant go to the affair” ( Maupassant 200). Madame Losiel is selfish because she gets invited to an affair and she cant go because she doesn’t have an evening dress. Madame Losiel wants a new dress because she doesn’t want to look poor. She doesn’t care about what people think of what’s inside but what she looks like on the outside. When Madame Losiel thought about her life she couldn’t help but “…. grieved incessantly, feeling that she had been born all the little niceties and luxuries of living” (Maupassant 28). She only cares for material possessions and luxuries. She should be more concerned with the happiness of her husband and a little bit lee of her own. Her own selfish leads to her down fall.

And so, being the person I am I replied. And corrected his/her grammar and wished him/her best of luck. For being someone who is validated by emails, I sure get annoyed when I get other people's mail!

my tragic flaw, according to my 17-year-old self

2009-01-05T12:35:00.003-05:00

The last several days I've been going through all my old blog posts from my two previous blogs beginning at age 15. How embarrassing some of those posts are! I've started to put them into a format so I can publish it as a book for my own personal use; I really want to have a copy on my bookshelf! It has been really interesting to read my candid thoughts. I definitely was an annoying 15-year-old. Some of the posts are actually pretty decent. Here's one that I found that still totally applies to who I am today. I remember writing it after we were talking about tragic flaws in an English class.

Friday, December 12, 2003
wheel of fortune
I do. I trust you. I don't even know who you are, but I trust that you wont take what you read, and betray me. You don't even know me well enough to know how to betray me, but nevertheless, I trust you. I walk into relationships trusting, and I continue until that trust has been violated. Is this normal? Maybe. No matter what, it's how I function, how my world keeps spinning. It is how I feel like everything is still ok in the world. It is my justification for all of those starving kids in Africa, for all those children who are slaves in India, for all of those 8 year old girls stolen from their families and put in brothels, for all the things I can't control. It's those scary things that make me trusting. As contradicting as that sounds, it's true. If I give you a chance, if I trust you, if I believe in you, maybe I can do my part. And the thing is, even if you ruin me, eventually I'll forgive you. But, depending on the severity, I may never trust you again. Cunning, though, as you are, you will probably convince me that you aren't as bad as I'm making you out to be. It's not that I don't have any self-worth, and that I an attention seeking person who feeds on acceptance of others. It's far from that. I just like to think that the world is, in the end, a nice place. Sometimes I shelter myself, others I don't. I have met girls whose parents sold them into sexual slavery. My trust has been violated in the deepest way a child should ever know. Yet, I still trust. So, there it is: my tragic flaw. My trait that will, ultimately, (if I were a Shakespearean character) be the cause for my demise.

The only difference between me then and me now is I'm no longer able to believe that the world is truly a nice place anymore.

praise the LORD!

2009-01-03T16:20:00.002-05:00

I've gained 15 pounds since I graduated. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. It's mostly because of the fact that I don't need to walk that much to get anywhere and so that was my main form of exercise when I was in University. It started to bother me because I kind of envisioned it never leaving and only getting added to more and more and more.

Today dad bought a treadmill. JOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Goodbye excess weight, hello fitness!

sovereign hands

2009-01-01T22:45:00.004-05:00

Winter Conference this year was quite different for so many reasons. I wasn't really sure how it would go considering my health, but it was pretty good. In fact, the last few days have been quite wonderful. On the evening of the 30th after a fantastic session a bunch of students from McMaster did as they always do and started a worship circle that lasted quite a while. For the last few years it's been the highlight of my conference experience; there's something so different about that student-led worship that is totally incomparable (in my mind) to the corporate worship in the sessions. It's so much more lively, joy-filled and dynamic. I stayed up until 2am taking it all in. The next day I was chatting with Angela and she commented that it was the first time in a long time she had seen me so happy. It's true. I realized I couldn't remember the last time I was that happy.

The rest of the time was just so much better. I felt more like myself as I joked around with my friends I hadn't seen in so long and enjoyed my time with them. It wasn't just that I was with people I hadn't been with in awhile, it was also the joy that I saw in other conference attendees like Mac Cru. There's just something about the Mac students that makes me happy. I love their energy, their creativity and how they seriously know how to have a good time. I felt happy just by being in the same room as them.

So here I sit, alone in my room, having said goodbye to real-life physical interaction with my dearest friends for who knows how long. When I was thinking about it earlier today for a moment I wished I hadn't felt the happiness because it made it so much harder to feel it slip away as I came face to face with my imminent isolation. And as tears stream down my face I realize that wishing it hadn't happened is the hopeless response. If I learned anything this weekend is that I have hope. Christ conquered the grave, so He can surely tear the veil of loneliness and return to me my heart of flesh still beating in His warm, strong, sovereign hands.

be prepared to waste time be entertained

2008-12-15T19:03:00.004-05:00

I love the internet. I have been very much enamoured with it since high school. Mostly because I'm nerdy. I like nerdy things. The internet is very nerdy with all its information and geeky videos of chubby teenagers playing with fake light sabers. So here are some things I've enjoyed or thought were interesting from the last few weeks. Some are tremendously funny.

hope you enjoy! My favourites are the best music video ever (which is a Weezer video) and the double music video of No Air.

i wont quit, but the tiredness in me wants to

2008-12-10T20:30:00.000-05:00

Some of you know that last week I met with a counselor to discuss her opinion on whether I was actually depressed or not. Through a tearful one hour meeting she confirmed my suspicions and uprooted some more lies I had been believing. It was a relief to have my experience labeled as something people more or less understood and are aware of the need to get better.

On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.

Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.

In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.

The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.

let it rain

2008-12-08T18:42:00.002-05:00

I heard this song on Sunday. I really like it. The song is "Waiting for the Rain" by Misty Edwards. You can find it on iTunes here.

post script

2008-12-04T00:05:00.001-05:00

Some of you have been responding to my last post by email & text message offering words of encouragement etc. I really appreciate that.

Tonight I had a really good conversation with another staff member that was so encouraging, so enlightening. He shared some of the difficult things he found with the two times he did MPD, which was so true of my experience as well. I can't explain to you how important it is to hear about other people's experiences. It qualifies your own and shows you that you're not alone. Somehow knowing that other people have experienced things like mine makes it not as bad.

He also pointed out one of my big sins: fear of man. This is huge. Being able to put my finger on it, and address this is so key for me in being able to put my sin to death. He gave me practical advice on HOW to put it to death and encouragement that it's possible to kill it.

I realized, again, how greatly lies affect me. I uncovered a big big big (embarassing to think I believed it) lie that has been plaguing me about stepping down from women's ministry. I wont go into it right now .... it's pretty absurd, but it's also related to my fear of man. Basically, I realized that satan had convinced me that I was experiencing something that was actually imposisble -- that I was shamed in the act of stepping down from women's min .... when in reality a) that's not possible and b) so many people told me that they didn't htink differently about me after i did it. This is kind of a breakthrough moment for me in that I've been really trying to comprehend how satan can convince us SO thorroughly of things that are not true, that hold no water. For example, that we're slaves to sin, when really Christ has freed us from that bondage. Yet we behave as if we are not free. This has been a huge thing to wrestle through in my mind the last 2 months.

I think finally I have come into an understanding of this issue through experiencing it. God has taken of my blinders to the ways in which satan had been entangling me, which is actually an answer to a prayer i had prayed earlier today in one of my training sessions.

pensées

2008-12-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

I've been startled to realize that even here at staff training I'm not happy. I love being surrounded by some of my favourite people, so many wise, experienced Christians who I look up to so much. But I'm not happy.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. I don't have a reason to complain, either. MPD is what it is. My life is what it is, I've accepted that. But I'm not really doing well. I'm not really loving life, nor enjoying it. I guess I'm kind of numb and I don't know why.

I was really expecting to come to this training and be really encouraged by nature of being around so many people with a shared passion for the Lord and vision for the nations, but in all honesty.... it's not really all that special.

I think I've been looking to other things to make me happy.... coming to this training, being at Winter Conference, going to Montreal. I've struggled to enjoy God. I've struggled to do anything, really.

The most concerning thing, though, is not that I'm unhappy and not that this training week isn't all that I had anticipated (yet), but my interaction with people. When they ask how I'm doing, or whenever I get into a conversation about my life as it is now - I'm constantly on the verge of tears. At home, it's easy not to think about the reality of my situation. It's just like Pascal says in his Pensées: we keep ourselves busy so that we don't have to address the issue of our deep loneliness or confusion about our place in the world. Take away the busyness and people realize their need for God. Similarly, I guess until this week I've been able to kind of distract myself from the fact that I'm not ok. I'm not feeling normal. I'm not the person I was even this spring, that I enjoyed being.

It's made me wonder... maybe I am a little tiny bit depressed.

I'm going to nap now before supper. I don't want my dinner conversation to make me cry

be less boring (2)

2008-11-30T22:38:00.001-05:00

so I've made the mockup of what I want my new layout to look like. I was about to upload it, when I realized that much of the Blogger code has changed since I last edited blog code (it has been 6 years, after all). So now I have to teach myself the new stuff and translate the old code into new code. stupid blogger widget system.

so the change might take much longer than originally anticipated. such is life.

bye bye Athena

2008-11-28T00:13:00.001-05:00

Many of you know my old computer, Athena, died. She didn't quite bite the dust like so many computers do, but after being dropped and me tripping over the power cord and completely mangling it beyond (what I believed to be) repair, I got a new one. I knew that once the battery died, I wouldn't be able to recharge her. She was on her last leg anyways, the hard drive was practically dead.

My mom's husband Kevin wanted to see if he could fix her so he could fiddle around on her. He's never experienced a mac before. So I begrudgingly brought it to him, hoping he would get electrocuted and cease all efforts. I didn't want him to fix it because then I'd feel bad about getting a new computer, even though I knew the hard drive could go at any moment.

He fixed her, and after me spending a good chunk of time deleting all my files, erasing my histories and password keychain files, I handed her over to him.

It's so sad, I can't believe I'm almost crying! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that its midnight and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Do you know the HOURS I've spent with Athena these last three years? Probably more than with real people. She came with me practically everywhere and in a lot of ways became part of my identity. Ask anyone who was at Queen's with me: I spent my two years with my laptop in Mac-Corry Caf eating pizza either surfing academic journals or the Resources Wiki.

It actually feels very violating to know that his fingers are on her keyboard. It's not just that it's him, it's that she's my baby in someone elses arms. It feels like all my files are still there for him to see. Technically they still are on the disc until they're re-written, but I know he's not going to try to access them.

It just feels so wrong. I'm going to try and think up an excuse to get her back just so I can have peace of mind.

I know this makes me sound totally insane. But at least I know Angela understands!

and cue "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Greenday.

be less boring

2008-11-27T12:25:00.001-05:00

I'm redesigning my blog in my head right now. In high school I would change my blog template pretty much every two weeks with my very limited CSS knowledge. I recently stumbled upon (sort of) my old blog from gr 12-2nd year uni and I rather enjoyed the template. I will revive it, I have decided, since mine is oh-so-boring. I just need to download GIMP and change the header.

I'm excited! I haven't touched a photoshop-like application in awhile. I miss my high school days of having nothing to do but play with photoshop for hourrrrrrrs.

a good day.

2008-11-18T21:09:00.003-05:00

I like feeling like I've actually made a decent go at things. I like to feel like I have accomplished something.

I think that's why I actually miss staying up really late, pumping myself full of caffeine, and writing an essay in a 5 hour go. Srsly.

yet loved, accepted & adopted

2008-11-14T10:00:00.001-05:00

"...but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time." -Tim Keller

Considering what I wrote yesterday, God's grace is even more impossible to understand. In fact, it seems easier to reject - in some twisted way - because we are so hard-wired to want to work for things. I guess that's the pride our parent's instilled in us.

Keller goes on to write,

This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin.

It's so true. But one aspect that I'm now really struggling to work with is the implication of grace on my work ethic. If I don't have to earn favour my instinct is to become lazy. University taught me to do as little as possible to get by so I can do other things.

This also creates a radical new dynamic for discipline and obedience. First, the knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit we are flawed because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Second, it makes the law of God a thing of beauty instead of a burden. We can use it to delight and imitate the one who has saved us rather than to get his attention or procure his favor. We now run the race “for the joy that is set before us” rather than “for the fear that comes behind us.

Something I need to think about a lot. May this sink into the depths of my heart!

(The quotations come from Keller's study Galatians: Living in Line with the Truth of the Gospel)

wicked, vile, base, corrupt, monstrous, reprehensible, iniquitous

2008-11-13T14:39:00.004-05:00

"we are more wicked than we ever dared believe..." Tim Keller

The truth of this statement has become a reality for me these past few months. I had heard this statement last from a friend and I knew its truth then. But now, it has become even more real to me. It has become so clear as I have had a better view of my own depravity. Most of us, when we hear this statement, agree with it intellectually knowing that we are all sinners according to Romans.

But before MPD I don't think I really truly had come to terms with my OWN depravity. I knew that other people were murderers and rapists and global conspirators and by definition my sin was equal to theirs. That made me really bad. But I don't think I really felt the weight of my deeds. It was more guilt by association. We all sinned in Adam, therefore I am a sinner.

However, now I know my depravity. I wrestle with it daily, hourly, on a moment-by-moment basis. I usually lose, to be quite honest. It has been the most humiliating, awful experience as I come to see my soul in a way I never thought possible.

Before MPD, this statement was more like a public service announcement to me. Like "FYI, you suck even though you don't really think you do." But it has moved from being a television PSA to something I have experienced. I know understand Romans 7 in a way I hoped I never would.

I now know the hard truth about my ongoing war against my flesh, and yet it's worse than I can even comprehend.

Oh, how pround I have been in ways I did not know.

i'm clearly not in my own drivers seat

2008-11-06T15:46:00.001-05:00

This morning at 8:30AM I found myself in the lobby of a caltholic highschool in Perth, a town 1.5 hours away from my hometown. It has been a year (minus 20 days) since Margaret's and my life collided in a most unusual way. This morning she was going to publicly talk about her experience and invited me to come. I really wanted to hear how she was doing and support her healing process so I actually got up at 6:30 so I could arrive on time.

She hugged me and thanked me profusely for coming and said that I was encouraged to share my perspective of her behaviour as well as how I felt and why I took her to the hospital instead of ignoring the seirous signs she was displaying like everyone else did. When she got infront of this class of students for this mental health awareness day, I was shocked by the things she was telling them. The last time I saw her she was psychotic. She was admitted into the mental health hospital where she was literally locked up because she was becoming violent with people. She admitted to the class that that night she believed she had committed suicide and was trying to travel to heaven. She believed that the exam we were writing had a different component for her that involved her running down busy streets through traffic lights. She admited that her psychosis was pot-induced, over a period of time it started with her just being paranoid when smoking up and then ended up in her mind breaking.

I stood up and shared about my perspective and the things that were going through my mind when Margaret was shouting at me, weeping on me, and nearly hitting me. I admitted that I was concerned what people were thinking of us, and part of me wanted to tell them I didn't actually know her -- that she was a complete stranger. I encouraged the students to break past the social norm of ignoring people in distress and being concerned with our outward appearance to our peers. I encouraged them to have the courage to intervene in the lives of their friends as they show signs of eating disorders, cutting, addiction and to tell someone they trust.

Margaret's mom also got up and spoke about how shocked she was that all of Margaret's housemates didn't tell anyone about Margaret's weird behaviour that she had been displaying for days prior. She explained how shocked she was that when Margaret didn't return to school in January or the following September that none of them called to see what was up. Yet, a total stranger had intervened and been following her up. I, too, was shocked by this. I had no idea the situation I was in when I was in it. I shared honestly that I was SO close to leaving her because of her weird behaviour. Had it not been the still small voice of God telling me it was a divine appointment, I would have peaced out. I wanted to. So bad. I'm so glad I didn't a) because that would have been disobedient and b) Margaret's mom is very adamant about the fact that I saved her daughter's life that night. I think can all agree that God get's credit for that one!

I'm still kind of reeling over the complete lack of compassion the people in her life had for her. And now she's paying the consequences. Her housemates let her get to the point where she COMPLETELY lost it. Nov 26 I admitted her to the hospital and she was still having episodes until February. She is still recovering. It will be a long hard road to being "normal" but she has hope. Her family and doctors are quite sure she can make a full recovery if she gets the help she needs.

As we sat in Tim Horton's after we all spoke, I shared with her how proud I was that she was taking this awful experience and sharing it with others. I also reminded her how she can take solace in God's Sovereignty. That I believe God is totally sovereign and even though it's SO HARD to accept and to hear, that he may have allowed this in order to prepare her for better things He had in store. But the most important thing to realize was that God works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.

I reminded her the story of Joseph and how his brothers sold him into slavery, and God used it for the saving of many lives. I told her she needed to stop going through all the "what ifs" in her mind and start facing forward. I shared briefly about another friend I had who went through a similar experience, but she's made a full recovery less than a year later through the Christian counselling she went through. As I explained the difference between Christian counselling and secular counselling -- using the truth of scripture to deal with the problems etc. She seemed to think that was a really good idea and wants to look into the possibility. I know they believe in God but I'm not really sure if they have a personal relationship. Please be in prayer for Margaret and her family as she continues to pick up the pieces and understand why it is that she isn't able to go back to school and graduate with her class. Pray, too, for me as I continue to keep in touch with her and encourage her through this difficult period of her life.

I also got to share about what I'm doing in Montreal and she said she'd think about people who she can tell about what I'm doing. Cool!

I concede

2008-11-05T13:41:00.000-05:00

This morning I realized a lot of things about the last few months. As I previously blogged about last week, things seem to be finally changing for me. After a phone call from an older, wiser, MDiv toting fellow staff member last night I feel a lot different about my MPD.

I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.

I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.

I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.

Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.

This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.

I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.

It feels sooo good.

today's finds

2008-11-03T22:20:00.001-05:00

I like information. A lot. My Birkman says I'm a knowledge bank, if perhaps only a mediocre one. Therefore I surf the net and absorb lots of info. Here are some things I've picked up in the last few days:

Random Things

40 Beautiful Free Icon Sets by Six Revisions
Flock browser. If you're into social networking sites like Facebook, Flickr, Digg, StumbleUpon, twitter, del.icio.us etc. you'll find this browser has everything you need built right in. It's pretty awesome.
November is the month where thousands of people finally write a novel. With NationalNovelWritingMonth (NaNoWriMo). The goal is to write a book of 50, 000+ words. Quantity, not quality is key. You've only lost 3 days so you still have time to start. It's REALLY FUN. I did it in first year. It was one of the most insane things I've ever done, but it was incredibly rewarding. How many people can say they've written a book? Seriously, DO IT once in your life.
As flu/sickness season approaches, better start strengthening your immune system. Here are 6 Steps on how to do it.

News

Today is Cliché Day. Check out clichésite.com for some of the best. Actually... that's a terrible site. It just lists phrases or idioms, not really clichés.
Rogers/Fido may be dropping system access fees!

Really Obscure/Weird

eMANcipate's pantyhose design of the week? Men wearing pantyhose.... it's not even tranny-like either. what is going on??

And to commemorate the last 8 years of the Bush regime here is a link to the 10 biggest Anti-Bush songs.

divergently

2008-11-03T18:21:00.002-05:00

I love this font. It's glorious. It's like an edgy script with a medieval twist.

Sadly, it's not something you could use very regularly. But still.... I can look and enjoy!

this is why I like craigslist missed connections

2008-11-01T07:06:00.000-04:00

cause people write stuff like this:

You served me tea and wine and you left me speechless, so I didn't have much to say. But now that I'm home and the spell is slowly starting to wear off, I can take the time to thank you for burning an image in my head of the smile you gave me when we said goodbye.

You define beauty.

let's go for a walk!

2008-10-31T21:11:00.007-04:00

I like where my dad lives. While it is isolated, and the dial-up internet/lack of cell reception is very frustrating, it has perks. When I go for my morning walk up the hill here are some of the sights I see. I wish the wonderful smell of fall could be shared along with the photos.

just above the middle of the picture you can see the river that I live by (the Ottawa) and on the other side, Quebec

Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

2008-10-29T13:03:00.005-04:00

This morning I finally woke up from a 2 and a half month sleep.

I have been so lethargic, so lazy, so selfish, so unresponsive. I have not been myself, which is in some ways understandable because I'm not used to living here with my friends far away. But I think the most upsetting is that I haven't been excited to go to Montreal and be on campus. I haven't been AS passionate as I usually am. When I do my presentation, I'm always very animated and it's very evident that I care deeply about this -- I've been told that many times by people I meet with. Some have even changed their minds about supporting me because they see how much I care.

But I haven't cared as much as usual. Last year, going to Montreal and "reaching" quebec was all I could think about. I'd think about it in class, during my QTs, in church, as I was walking to campus, when I was supposed to be writing my papers - or I would try and make a paper missions or something which never actually worked. It was seriously all I could think about.

Lately, all I can think about is of selfish motivation. Aside from the few times I've fasted because my support coach highly recommended it, I've really not done any dying to self. This summer I've come into an understanding of the harsh truth of who Jessica really is apart from Christ. My pride has been crushed and I was not doing a good job of putting on my new self, and remembering that I'm clothed in Christ's righteousness. Yesterday, after a concerning dream I realized that I have not been fighting the good fight. In fact, I've really just kind of slunk off into the sidelines and been wondering why the heck my team isn't gaining ground.

Since when have I been so passive? Since when have I not stuck my heels in the ground, set my jaw and gone for what was in front of me? Well.... I guess I have done that. But what was in front of me was not really the end goal, it was some distraction like Jon & Kate + 8 or Digg or something.

When I woke up this morning, after another weird dream, things were somehow different. My false-hopelessness was gone, my dry heart felt inspired, the cloud of whatever-it-was had lifted.

It's business time! (just not this kind!)

quote of the day

2008-10-22T17:21:00.002-04:00

This quote easily beats out the pot quote. I asked my friend why she wanted to go to India for missions and she replies:

"cuz it's full of hindus and muslims and sikhs!! and saris and food! and like, oppressed people."

My friends are hilarious!

bitter

2008-10-21T11:56:00.004-04:00

proceeding from or exhibiting great hostility or animosity.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this here before but this summer I've been slowly trying to work through my issues that have developed over my feelings and attitudes towards social justice and the concept of "development." I don't even know how to really explain it, but while I was doing my degree I just got really frustrated, bitter and cynical about it all. It's hard to believe that I'm the same hopeful person that went into the program. Well, I guess I'm not really the same person.

It's not that I don't have hope, either. I have lots of hope. Jesus brings so much hope. However, I have to admit that I do have this desperate belief that there is absolutely no hope except for Him. I never used to think this way, and even though I'm sure it's probably the right perspective, it's still kind of depressing to have lost all hope in a humanity that rejects Christ. I know non-Christians do good things and are "good people". But ultimately, when you come face to face with the darkness of the human heart, you too would come to the same conclusion that I have.

But here's my problem: I've kind of pushed away all these solutions to effect change -- I've pushed away everything but evangelism, discipleship and the local church. I know that there's something wrong with my attitude about it because I don't know what my opinion is on a lot of the issues. I know there's something wrong because I've pushed it away and opted to not deal with it. I know there's something wrong because because I really can't put my finger on what exactly the Bible has to say about all of these things.

I know God loves social justice and it's close to His heart. That is very clear to me. It's the whole reason why I got into development in the first place. I've grown up around redemption and rehabilitation and second chances and hope. But there's something about the trendiness of social justice right now -- the connection between the emergent church and replacing the gospel with "jesus came only as an example and this is the good news" that really really gets my guard up.

The reason I'm bringing this all up is because my calling to C4C staff is directly related to these issues and my confusion over everything is evident (at least to me) every time I do my presentation with someone. It's evident in how I explain myself; I have a hard time because I don't really know my own opinions on it. I don't really know my own place in it all. Why did I take this degree and am now in C4C?

On my drive back home from Toronto I listened to a couple sermons by Tim Keller that also reminded me of this. One was on Justice. It was good. I agreed. It made me excited, even.

Hmm, I'm sure this post is pretty confusing too. I haven't really explained myself because I'm still working through it all. I don't know if this is all because of my anti-conformist tendencies or simply because I was exposed to a pretty disturbing combination of desperation and cynicism in my program.

Like I said before, I have been actively working through this. But after this last appointment, I think I'm going to take it more seriously because my uncertainty has been haunting me, taunting me.

quote of the day

2008-10-20T19:40:00.003-04:00

"Your mother killed my marijuana plant!" - Kevin, my mom's new(ish) husband.

The sentence that countless children hear in this town. I never thought I would be one of them! I used to be horrified and saddened by this, and now it doesn't even bother me! Actually, I think it's kind of funny. My former-pastor's-wife-mother's second husband grows pot. To be fair, it's one tiny little plant.... although it is a female, so they are normally in high demand (because female plants produce enough THC for drug production. See here).

Anyways there's your drug lesson for the day from your favourite missionary. haha. right. please note the disclaimer to your left :)

I don't even know what to tag this post as. Humour? anti-sanctification? rant?

awkward MPD moments

2008-10-11T15:37:00.002-04:00

So I just called a supporter, hoping to ask them if they would be willing to coordinate a group MPD appointment by inviting people from her church that she thinks would be interested as well as setting up the event etc. Unfortunately she was not there so I left a message. For those of you who have experienced a voicemail message from me will know that I suck at them. This one was not long-winded, but just.... awkward:

"Hi Esther, this is JW and I'm calling with a favour or proposition to ask of you...." I pause and think of the meaning of 'to proposition someone' and then laugh and correct myself, "Er.. not a proposition, that's awkward. Anyways, ___ is my number and I'll try again another time." As I hung up the phone I was beet red. I looked up the meaning of "proposition" to find that it does have multiple meanings; my instincts were right and in correcting myself I had made a bigger fool of myself than had I just left it. Awesome. I knew I should have stuck to the script.

The Office

2008-10-09T21:09:00.002-04:00

The season premier of the office a couple weeks ago had one of my favourite lines that I've heard in quite awhile. It's probably a reflection of how awful my humour is. When Temp guy says to what's-her-face that he used to date: "I'm really sorry for how I treated you, you know... I still haven't processed 9/11."

Favourite Office quotes from this week:

- random mention of cookie monster singing Chocolate Rain haha.

- Michael to Dwight: "You are the thief of JOY"

- Miachael: "HOw do you tell someone you care about deeply 'I told you so'?"

- Michael: "If you're not in the conference room in 1 minute I'm going to kill you!"

...

2008-10-06T21:48:00.004-04:00

Being feminine and the things we wear that define us from the opposite sex & how it's easy for me to opt out of femininity out of concern (read: paranoia/guilt) for being too flashy/bad steward of money
My weeks start really good, really positive, and then often end really poorly in discouragement
I've been getting frustrated really easily and then feel flares of anger inside, kind of like a volcano bubbling up. Good thing I'm alone a lot.
people say that with the internet etc. there is significantly less engagement in civil society, which I'm sure is true, but I have to admit that I had lots of fun microblogging the debate with a bunch of other people.
I really like Pepsi & the Fringe
I've always been very strong in my voting opinions. I don't often talk about who I vote for during elections cause my choice is highly unpopular amongst Christians. Today, for a moment, I considered perhaps voting for someone different. Not because my political convictions have changed. In my riding voting for who I do is considered a "throw away vote" and there are those that I do not want to be voted in. I usually don't vote strategically like that, I just stick to my guns and that way I can have a conscience. We'll see what goes down in a week.

You can all blame Angela G

2008-09-25T16:29:00.001-04:00

Last summer Angela and I were joking around, probably making some
comments about the "Queen's girls" (anyone who has spent any length of
time there will know what were talking about). I can't really remember
any of the details of the conversation because I was so horrified by
what she said next: "jess, let's bring back the stirrup legging like
we wore when we were in grade 2!!" she said with great excitement.
"for the love of everything Holy and sacrednon this world NO! LET'S NOT!

Looks like she didn't listen:

autumn is the colour of joy

2008-09-23T16:53:00.003-04:00

Today was a new day. A good day. Yesterday I started a Beth Moore study on Galatians/fruit of the Spirit called Living Beyond Yourself. So far, I've done 1 week's worth of studies in two days. It's been a good two days.

Yesterday I made Turkey Soup while listening to A Rebel's Guide to Joy in Loneliness again. It was an odd day and I yo-yoed between being happy & content and moments of loneliness. Since my last post about it, I have felt really supported by people. Knowing that the Montreal Metro team is praying for me is a huge comfort. (Ha! I just teared up. I didn't even realize it meant so much to me until I just typed it and got all teary-eyed).

Even though yesterday was peppered with loneliness I have to admit that this season is a good one. I mean that in both senses of the word. I love fall and I will continue to declare my love for it! It keeps me in good spirits because I love the temperature, I love the colours of the leaves, the smell of the air, the fact that I can see way more stars at night; it's so great! I also mean it in terms of this season of life. Today as I was journaling in my backyard down by the water, reflecting on some things it occurred to me that I will likely look back on this time in my life and be very grateful for it, just as I know other people have said upon completing their MPD. Long obedience in the same direction.

Isaiah was kind of smart

2008-09-20T18:24:00.004-04:00

Several months ago I had a conversation with Lydia in which she told me that unless I was sure I was "called" to join staff with C4C, I wouldn't make it through MPD.

She was right.

Today I was perusing Facebook and found out that one of my floor-mates from residence in first year is now attending Yale for grad school. This added to the pang of jealousy I felt when I found out two of my classmates are now at Oxford for grad school. Yale! Oxford!

Being so tired of MPD, it's easy to wish that I had spent less time at C4C during my undergrad and more time on my studies; it's easy to wish that I had made the time to actually have a decent average, not an embarrassingly poor one; it's easy to wish I had gone on to something prestigious and intellectual, too.

If I didn't know that I was meant to go to Montreal, I'd probably be seriously thinking about giving up right now.... and I haven't even been doing MPD for all that long. It's pretty embarrassing (and sad) that my heart is so quick to want to jump ship.

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

"loans that change lives"

2008-09-17T13:24:00.007-04:00

I'm not sure how much the average person knows about microcredit opportunities in the developing world, but maybe by the end of this post you'll know a bit more. This morning I got an email from a friend & supporter who gave me a gift certificate to Kiva. I had never heard about it before, but it turns out it's one of the cooles things I've heard of in awhile.

Microcredit is an opportunity for people in developing countries to get loans to start small businesses that will give them a basic income. Usually it's a big organization, bank, or corporation that is involved in loaning the money. Kiva does things differently. Through this website, the average person can give $25, $50, or however much they want to which ever project they wish. The reason I like this so much is because someone like me who probably will never make a boatload of money can still make a difference. If all of the people who regularly read this site gave $25 it could change the course of a couple people's lives. It's also less risky for the person giving the loan because it's not a big deal for me to lend $25 and not get it back. Kiva claims that 97% of people pay back their loans. When you get your $25 back, you can give it to someone else. It's also cool because it basically removes the middle-man. Your money goes almost directly to the individual.

I think another reason why I really like it is that it isn't a hand out. We talked a lot about how "progress" is so much more likely in a developing area if the people take ownership of whatever they're doing, rather than it just being given to them. It's like me raising my support. If Power to Change just paid me, it would be easier for me to quit during difficult times. But as I'm raising my support and pushing through difficult times (like now), I know that getting on campus will be something I've worked hard for and will appreciate more, just like I'll appreciate my supporters more.

I also have been thinking a lot about what is a Biblical perspective on compassion ministries. I've been taught a lot of stuff in my degree but I want to know if any of it aligns with God's heart on the topic. In the book of Ruth we see that through the Law God gave provision to take care of the impoverished during the harvest. Boaz tells his workers to leave some grain un-gleaned (that can't be a word) in order to let those who are poor to have something to eat, as the Law declared. Ruth had to work for her sustenance, like anyone else -- but Boaz made that possible by not taking it all for himself. This is kind of what micro-credit is. I don't spend all my own money, i lend it to someone who can make something of it and make a life for themselves and they pay me back & I can give it somewhere else.

Now...... all we need is Power to Change/Gain to start a similar peer-to-peer microcredit agency that incorporates opportunities to share Christ with these new business owners, and we're golden!

graveyard of relevance

2008-09-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

I found this website that makes fun of christian attempts at being relevant to the generation. Here are a few of my favourite examples:

gotta love Focus on the Family

yiiiikes.

gaahahaa.

semi-colon

2008-09-14T21:18:00.000-04:00

This weekend I went away to a ladies retreat with my church. I knew that it wasn't exactly going to be the highlight of my year, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know the ladies in my church - some already supporters and some hopefully will support me in the future. The speaker talked about Ruth and took an interesting perspective of it for the second session. She talked a lot about how Ruth must have felt moving from Moab to Israel, not knowing anyone including the customs & law etc. She pointed out how we often single people out who don't quite fit the mold and don't let them into our group of friends, how we're not welcoming etc.

It was a really timely talk for me because I was feeling especially lonely. The past 4 years I've been fine with being away from my community & fellowship for four months, but come September I'm back into the community in full force. This year September arrived and while I go to church every sunday, there still is no community there for me. I'm the only one who's in my stage of life, and I don't even know how long I'll be staying for. I've never fit in here and I want out!

This weekend it was particularly obvious to me how much I miss my community of friends. For the first time in four years I was the person who didn't have anyone to turn to to chat with. I found myself lingering by the book sale table (even though I have a huge stack of books I have to read, and honestly do not want to add another book to it) simply because everyone was engaged in conversation with each other and there was no room for me to sneak in. So I read and re-read what seemed like every jacket of every book.

I'm really lonely. While I have been talking to my girls regularly, it's not the same as studying the Bible together & hanging out and being silly.

I know that when I move to Montreal it's going to be a lot of the same thing I'm going through right now. I wont fit in right away, I wont always know what everyone is saying, I will need to adjust to a new church, culture etc. But, I know eventually in Montreal I will fit in. I know I'll make friends, be a part of a church, and eventually it will become my home. It has never felt really like home here. I've lived here for 14 years and I've never fit in, I've never really felt like I belonged, and I really just want to move on to the next stage of my life, and get out of this awful liminal purgatory.

It's quite encouraging that Ruth did eventually integrate into the Hebrew culture. Even though she began as an outsider in a culture where true heritage was so important, she would come to be the great-grandmother of King David and from this same lineage Jesus would come.

I have decided

2008-09-12T13:15:00.002-04:00

I have decided, I have resolved

To wait upon you Lord.

My rock & redeemer, sheild & reward.

I wait upon you Lord.

step on crunchy leaves with me

2008-09-10T14:19:00.004-04:00

I seriously love fall. Love love LOVE fall. I love the colours of the leaves and the crisp cool air. I love that it's not bitter cold but it's cold enough to require a thin jacket or, in my case, mittens. I love that the coolness enables me to better appreciate soup and tea. While it doesn't apply to me right now but hopefully in the future will: I also like to snuggle.

I love when children play in the fallen leaves. I love the colour of the setting sun at 6pm when its amber rays fall on old buildings (like Queen's!). I really love listening to Arcade Fire's album Funeral while walking at 6pm, enjoying the scenery.

You know what else I love? This has nothing to do with fall and more to do with my current anti-social behaviours resulting from significantly lowered/no social interaction right now: craigslist missed connections. While some of them are a too lust-based & sketch for my liking, I mostly just enjoy the idea. People have a moment, its nice, it passes & wonder if it could be more. It's neat to see how people describe said moment.

attitude check (PTL!)

2008-09-09T13:18:00.000-04:00

These last two weeks have done wonders for my MPD attitude. You may not recognize this from what you've read in the last little while. Sure, I've had my moments where I've txted people and vented about how I hate MPD. Mostly, I just dislike calling people because I have tended to dwell on vain thoughts.

Aside from that, I'm feeling the most hopeful, the most optimistic, the most motivated I've felt in months. I think my support coach notices it the most. It's hard to explain because it isn't even just a mental/intellectual change, it's a holistic change. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel different.

It's kind of crazy to think how differently I look at things now. Two weeks ago I looked at the 56% left I had to raise and felt like it was impossible. Now, I look at the 56% and realize that it's only slightly more than I've already raised.

All around I feel way more confident and assured and ready to hit the road and as they say here in the Ottawa Valley, "git 'er dun".

hmm

2008-09-07T17:40:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, I realized that I had not prayed with another individual since staff conference (6 weeks ago) and haven't prayed with someone about personal items since April. It also occurred to me that I haven't studied the Bible with someone since the beginning of April. It's about time for some fellowship. Now the task is to find some!

this week in a nutshell

2008-09-04T23:11:00.003-04:00

Relieved I don't have to do more classes. Sad I'm missing another Queen's frosh week, and missing the bustle & excitement of september on campus. Adjusting to some friends going overseas. Hoping/praying my MPD will pick-up. Frustrated no one seems to be home. Grateful I'm at 40%. Looking forward to, even if intimidated by moving to MTL eventually. So excited to visit Kingston again. Thankful for my friends & a good long distance plan. Realizing I haven't completely dealt with everything that went down last year on campus. Mourning the direction in which some of my friends are choosing to walk. Anticipating God answering my prayers.

This week has been full of different emotions.

best sellers

2008-09-02T17:35:00.004-04:00

I was in the grocery store last week and I noticed that the only Christian books on the shelves were pretty bad representatives of the faith (save The Purpose Driven Life). On Sunday I was in Westboro in Ottawa and my dad stopped in the Superstore to grab a card for someone.

As I browsed the books I quickly became quite distraught as I saw the titles. I took this picture with my phone because I just thought it was the perfect example of the trash that is in popular consumption right now. I found it pretty ironic that the two "christian" books are closely juxtaposed to the two Oprah-crazed new age books.

I don't know if I'm just being more aware of it in the last year or so, but it seems to me that there is an extra portion of heretical material being made available (and being widely read/discussed) than there was at any other time I can think of. I imagine that it really is no more than before, I just wasn't really aware of it.

Cake Wrecks

2008-08-30T20:42:00.004-04:00

I found this blog, Cake Wrecks, which posts pictures of screwed up cake artistry etc. It's interesting the types of blogs that exist nowadays. I had to post this one because it was just way too funny. I definitely LOLed. I actually found it when I was looking for a quebecois blog about jesus haha. go figure.

"Sorry about your herpes"

Let's celebrate!

Bucket List

2008-08-29T22:27:00.006-04:00

Tonight my dad and I watched The Bucket List. It was a sweet story of two men coming to the end of their lives and deciding to live it up a bit before they die. It was funny, it was tear-jerking, and it made me think of my own life. Sure, I'm only 22 and I have a few years left in me (Lord willing), but I still couldn't help but think about my future.

If I've learned anything in the last few years about how to live life right, it's that I should plan for the future, to live intentionally. My parents taught me that I should be investing in RRSPs as soon as I'm done school. C4C taught me to be intentional in my relationships with others, making sure to consider the spiritual lives of those around me of huge importance. In High School I heard this motivational speaker tell us that the people who make lists while they were young were like 80% more likely to live successful lives, according to the lists they wrote while they were young.

I was skeptical, as a good teenage cynic would be. I wrote the list anyway. It was my secret, written on the walls of my heart. As a 16 year old there were 3 things that were so important to me they made it on my list:

Become bilingual (English & French) by the time I was 25.
Write a novel.
Travel the world.

So far, it's looking pretty promising. I have 3 more years to become fully bilingual and I plan to make it official through the documentation necessary. I'll be pretty upset with myself if I don't do it seeing as I made the goal when I was 16 and I had 9 years to finish it. I wrote a 189 page book in one month when I was 18 (if you've ever wanted to write, you should seriously try this. It's so rewarding..... you'll want quit half the time, so you'll need some pretty good motivation to continue. Seriously fun, though!), and I've travelled a bit of the world.

When it comes to planning ahead, at 16 I think I got a bit of a head start. Soon I will have the ability to save my money and put it towards the things that matter to me. This summer I've been thinking about what it is that matters enough that I should save in the short term for. So tonight when I was watching Edward & Carter go out with a bang I thought I should bring out my list and add to it. I'm not really sure what exactly I'm going to add -- I just have a few ideas:

Become bilingual (English & French) by the time I was 25.
Write a novel.
Travel the world: South Africa, India, Morocco, Egypt, Iran, Greece, Israel, France, Switzerland, Czech Republic, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia, Fiji, Haiti, Brazil, Ecuador, Mexico.
Skydive.

I will add more as I think of it, but right now I'm going to start saving.

2 Cor 5:18-19

2008-08-28T22:29:00.004-04:00

With MPD comes lots of expectations. I expected to be nervous about MPD. I expected to have a hard time calling people, to be excited by the process and in seeing God provide. I expected to dislike being in Renfrew. So far, my expectations have not gone unmet. One thing I did not expect to be so closely connected to my MPD is reconciliation. I've had a few appointments where these people have challenged me to reconcile with their children, people I grew up with.

Last week, one parent said to me, "I have a challenge for you," he said. "I challenge you to call up [my daughter] and meet with her and talk about what happened with your relationship. I want you guys to figure out what went wrong."

I was pretty stunned by this, I wasn't expecting it. I knew my relationship with their daughter had gone to the dogs, and I knew that I had let them down in some ways by giving up on that friendship. It was a pleasant surprise, after I got over the shock of it.

It occurred to me on the drive home that I likely would never have gotten in touch with her and made that relationship better had they not specifically challenged me to. Perhaps, later on in life God would put it on my heart and I would have reconciled. It seems that there's something I have to learn from this. I brush off suggestions as "good ideas" or "things I should do in the general future", but if it's framed as a challenge I see it worthy of accomplishing even if simply to keep up appearances. I take a challenge seriously and I like rising to one. I felt more inclined to get in touch with this old friend than to book MPD appointments this week. Perhaps I should frame my MPD more in terms of various challenges I need to reach?

And yes, I did get in touch with her. We're meeting on Saturday for lunch. I hope it goes well and we can figure things out. I'm glad her dad made me do this. It's scary, but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

2008-08-26T12:19:00.005-04:00

I just read Tim Challies' post where he explains his answer to his kids when they asked him who he loved more, them or their mother (& his wife). This was his answer:

"'Daddy, who do you love more, Mommy or us?' I thought for just a moment and told them the truth. They cried.

The fact is, I love their mother more than I love them and I told them as much. I did so gently and lovingly but with confidence that I am right to feel this way. I love my children desperately.... There are undoubtedly different kinds of love and we cannot necessary equate the passionate, romantic love I have for my wife with the parental love I have for my children. Where I never chose to love my children, I did choose to love Aileen, or I did as much as anyone can exercise his will in such matters of the heart. There came a time when I set my heart on her and committed myself to loving her for better or for worse."

What he said really made me think about my own life (not my singlness, although it did make me think about that, too). It occurred to me how upset I was when my mom made it clear to me and my brother that we were a side-note to her life with her new husband. This was pretty difficult for me and made me pretty angry. I'm not saying it is wrong, but it just goes to show how awful divorce is in so many different ways. I guess that may also be the root of the archetypal image of the evil step-parent. As children, we think the the step-parent is evil because they are coming between the natural bond between a parent & a child that preceeded the love between the parent & step-parent (but not preceeding the love of the original parents).

Anyways, these are just reflections on growing into adulthood, or something.

ADD

2008-08-25T12:27:00.003-04:00

This summer I've noticed that I'm kind of ADD-esque. Well, not really. I don't have ADD and many things can hold my attention. I have noticed, though, that I get really excited and interested in something and I stick to that for a bit and the proceed to move on to something once that initial excitement and interest has passed. Perseverance has really never been my forte. It's kind of annoying, actually. I love the feeling of accomplishment; I rarely experience it. I tend to finish things I cannot quit, but then I find ways to quit more things than the average person. I can justify anything.

This has made me realize how unprepared I am to move into the next stage of my life. I'm much less mature than I had previously thought, I'm much less put-together and really just feel like I'm fumbling around trying to figure things out. It's weird -- for so long I was very self-assured and self-aware. I knew myself, was comfortable with who I was and that was that. I guess this summer I've realized just how proud I've been and how much of my personality was built on a foundation of pride, what I thought was self-confidence. When the busyness of life quiets down and you find yourself alone, what do you do with your time? I really did not expect my summer to be spent this way. Maybe it will prove useful later, who knows.

moving up in the world

2008-08-17T19:14:00.004-04:00

I'm at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa right now waiting for Wicked to start. It occurred to me when I almost spread my arms & legs after the lady took my ticket thyat it's been a long time since I've been to an entertainment event that does not require me to be frisked on entering. It feels funny. I think I prefer the loud, spirited crowds & lingering scent of pot smoke the accompanies a good concert. But that's just me!

propaganda!

2008-08-12T13:48:00.003-04:00

Last week, even though I mentioned to a friend that I was boycotting the olympics, I ended up watching bits and pieces of the Opening Ceremony. It was pretty impressive at times with the choreographed dancing and light displays. But there were a few times when it made me sick to my stomach. At the end Sarah Brightman and Liu Han sang "One World, One dream / we are family" while hundreds of people opened up umbrellas showing ethnically diverse children/people with smiling faces.

I was appalled by this. Sure, it's nice thought, and I guess it probably would apply if all of those people belonged to the Communist Party. But how many people were being beaten and tortured in prison while Sarah Brightman sang in harmony with Liu Han? How many organs were being harvested?

Of course few countries actually have a perfect record of torture & just practices in war, engaging with civil society etc. Canada, maybe we haven't done it ourselves, but we have participated knowingly and given questions to the countries actually doing the torture. I think that counts. The US, well, the US "doesn't" torture like I "don't" like chocolate.

Anyways, the ceremony still made me want to vomit at times. That's all I'm saying.

providence

2008-08-10T22:29:00.003-04:00

After what was a not so great week (to say the least) I'm back to 'normal' again. I think. So that's good, although it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll have tons of appointments this week. A lot of people I need to meet with are on vacation still. But I did have a neat story from this past week.

As you may or may not know, the latter part of the phrase "working hard, or hardly working" applied to me this past week. When I went to church today a woman I had never met before (but recognized) came up to me and said she'd like a partnership form. I asked her what she had in mind for giving -- mostly because I didn't know if she was interested in a one-time gift or regular giving. She replied, "Well, I was thinking $50-$100 a month."

I think my eyes popped out of my head like they do in cartoons. She later explained that she had been moving money into another account and didn't really know why until she heard about my ministry. That's cool. And so undeserved!

get lost

2008-08-06T21:01:00.004-04:00

I'm really not enjoying being here at home. I think I've communicated that before. I've been home from Staff Conference only two days and already I'm hating it. I was trying to figure out what it is about this place that I can't stand. I realized that the lack of motivation that I've been feeling this summer is not restricted to MPD -- I felt it while I was in school, too. But when I was in Kingston I could easily change scenery or atmosphere and that was all I needed. I'd go to the Library or M-C or the Goat or whatever. Here I don't really feel like I can do that. When I walk down the street people gawk at me because I don't look like I fit in, there is no coffee shop that has wireless where I can do work.

A few months ago while I was still in Kingston I asked my friend where she wanted to move. She said Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver -- somewhere that has a population of over a million. When I asked why she replied, "I really like the feeling of disappearing in a sea of people."

When she said that I kind of thought she had some sort of complex, some sort of social disfunction or self-image problem that she didn't value herself and wanted to disappear. But now i understand what she meant. I realize that I miss the anonymity of Kingston, even if Kingston isn't by any means comparable in size to Montreal.

And so, because I feel like when I walk down the street people are staring, because I feel like there is no where to go, because I listen to these ridiculous doubts or discomforts in my head I've pretty much become a shut-in, a recluse.

I just want to be lost in a sea of people, in the healthiest way possible!

math

2008-08-05T15:21:00.003-04:00

So I was quite encouraged at staff conference about my MPD. I had a couple people tell me that being at 40% was pretty great -- even Lydia & Silas (apparently, so I heard) were at about 30% by Staff conference & they made it to campus by Oct/Nov. I did some math & figured out what I had to accomplish if I wanted all my pledges to be in by October 15. I just picked the 15th cause it's a nice middle number. So I did some math and found out that I need to raise double my weekly goal (set by MPD coaches) in order to make it on campus by then. DOUBLE. I guess that means i need to do double the work I've been doing which roughly works out to 10 appointments a week.... which is, consequently, what I was supposed to be doing anyways. I'm encouraged by that!

grampy

2008-07-26T15:10:00.000-04:00

If a stranger walked into my granny & grampy's condo and looked at every painting, every wall-hanging, every book on each shelf and every photo in each frame, 4 things would be very clear about my grandfather:

He loved the ocean and he loved to be on boats in the ocean. Growing up on the west coast and in his late teens becoming a sailor, he has always had a passion for the sea. Even his testimony is related to sailing. During his younger years, after being raised in a religious home, he found himself loving the bottle far too much and searching for meaning in his life. His mother, noticing his sudden desire for something more, handed him a Bible and told him to read John. The rest is history. Grampy specifically liked tugboats, although his 20 pictures & paintings on the walls include more kinds of boats than simply tugboats. Tugboats/sailing for grampy is what pink is for me. His email address is related to boats, his password too! He has a subscription to Mariner magazine and spent many a year at sea in some way. I was telling granny that it's neat that Grampy was so passionate about something that it is so clearly connected to him -- anyone who knows him will be reminded of him whenever they see a tugboat or something.

The second thing they would notice is that he has lots of family/children/grandkids and he loved them all dearly. The only thing that outdoes the number of boat-related pictures is the number of grandchild-paraphanalia everywhere. There are pictures of us from babies to current photos, there are hockey pictures and football pictures, school pictures and grad photos. It was always very clear that Grampy loved us dearly, each and every one. I don't think anyone ever felt that he loved any one of us more or less, even though he's not my mom & aunt's biological father. Grampy loved much because he had been forgiven much.

The third thing people would be able to tell is that granny & him had a really full life together. They traveled all over the world from Hawaii to the Medeterrainian and Alaska - they've made many wonderful memories together. Sadly, they had to cancel a cruise when grampy got sick but they cannot say they didn't get to live life to the full before his sickness.

Last but not least in any way is the evidence of Grampy's deep relationship with God. Everywhere I turned (and I'm not exaggerating) is a Bible. There is a Bible in every room of this place, and in the guest room there are 10 bibles on the shelf. Not that spirituality is measured by how many Bibles one owns, but it was just such a testament to his life. At his memorial service 350 people attended and so many people shared stories of how Grampy was the reason they were a Christian. Granny said that she had no idea how many Bibles he had purchased over the years--at any spark of interest in the Lord grampy was in the store buying a Bible for them. Most people had no clue that he had affected so many people because he was such a quiet, private person. I'm looking forward to reading the tribute book my granny is putting together. She found that so many lives were changed by him that she wanted as many stories about him as possible so that everyone could read about it. I'm so thrilled that she wants me to take as many books off his bookshelf as I want. I've been through it and I've taken 20 so far. Jerry Bridges, John MacArthur, Watchman Nee & tons more.

Surrounded by these pictures of him with us grandkids is so like him. He was so lively, so animated. He was always joking around, pulling pranks on people. It's such a shock to think that he wont be walking back in that door with granny on the way back from the grocery store. It's easy to forget that he wont be telling me his latest joke. I really have no clue what heaven is like -- I know that there are no tears there. If we continue our personalities on with our spirit to heaven, then I'm sure grampy is cracking jokes with the saints.

till death do us part

2008-07-25T23:11:00.000-04:00

Mourning is an interesting thing. It's difficult to know if you're doing it right because it's something so unique to everyone. This is a lesson my granny is learning. "What's the hardest part about grampy being gone?" I asked her. "Everything being so unexpected. I never know when a fit of tears will come; if I'll be in the grocery store or if I'll see his signature somewhere and the tears will come. I hate that."

That song-lyric turned cliché phrase is true, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's so easy to take for granted the little things. After having a companion for 36 years and then losing them even the little things in life are strange and absurd even. Granny and I were in the grocery store yesterday and she was getting some bacon for breakfast this morning. She stood there over the bacon and said, "Now I have to find bacon that's lean. That was always Bob's job."

How do you start living alone when you've leaned on someone for so long? when your hearts have been knitted together so tightly, when your thoughts and movements run parallel for what you thought would be for much longer. It's hard for her to see these old couples with their walkers taking evening strolls together, and now here she is a 74 year old widow.

James 1:26-27 carries new meaning for me now: Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

unplanned trip to my destiny, or something

2008-07-18T13:03:00.008-04:00

Chapters.

When I walk into that store something happens to me. When I peruse through the stationery section with all the beautiful, inspiring journals I get excited. When I consider the wealth of knowledge in that store it makes me yearn to know everything. Walking through the aisles taking in all the book titles, different waves of emotion come over me.

Christianity section. Ooh! C.S Lewis. Hmm, Philip Yancey -- dad already has that book. What is that?? Is that Joel Osteen looking back at me? In the Christianity section? Shouldn't that be the HERESY section? UGH. Angerrrrrr. Ok, Jessica, calm down. Move right along. Ignore the God Wears Lipstick book too.

I knew I had over an hour to kill as I waited for my brothers to finish up at Lebaron, so I looked for the Webdesign section. Travel, yes I'd like to. Foreign Language, can I become bilingual by reading a book? Before I reached the Webdesign section, Writing, Copywriting caught my attention. As I looked at the books on proper grammar, I recalled my spur-of-the-moment purchase of Eats, Shoots & Leaves in first year. I should finish that. The books on the art of self-editing, how to develop your character, how to get published, how to find a space of your own -- they sparked something in me. My deep, hidden desire to be a writer. Like a nerdy-person's version of being a rockstar. Being a writer is like being a rockstar, really. Instead of writing catchy music that cause people to raise their hands in worship at your concert, readers follow the rhythm of your dialogue and are mesmerized by your ability to weave words together with style, craft and fortitude. I want to be both. Is that even allowed?

Flipping through Telling True Stories, I had this image of me sitting at a café with my MacBookPro writing because I wanted to and because I could. And the best part is: I like my dreams and I don't care if people laugh at me for being an aspiring writer/rockstar/missionary/web designer. My life is going to be FUN.

5 things I will remember about this summer

2008-07-15T22:59:00.000-04:00

01. Canada Dry Green Tea Gingerale. It's really nice & light, not too sweet & not bitter. I'm surprised I like it because I'm not a huge green tea fan and I like really sweet things, but I've switched from drinking Pepsi to drinking this. So yummy.

02. Marc Dupré. I found him in second year by searching "é" on the student file-sharing network. It was one of my favourite "stealing" experiences. Since then I deleted his first (very good album) because I didn't purchase it but bought his newest album on iTunes. [Sidenote: I hope when I'm in Montreal I find someone just as goodlooking as him with a tatoo from a past he has forsaken, a good working knowledge of Perl and all those other computer-geek languages as well as a God-given desire to be my husband. We'll have to see.]

03. John & Kate + 8. Also known colloquially as J&K+8. How can you not like 6 little 3 year olds that hug and pull each other's hair? Mostly I love them from afar, I would probably be the worst mother of 8 children in the history of mothers. Except for I think I could do a better job than Hitler's mom. I think I can manage to not raise racist children. Anyways, they're cute & you should check out TLC practically any time to find why these kids are so great. Also, they're a christian family which is obviously neat.

04. The mountains of BC. I hadn't seen them in 10 years and I really didn't remember what they looked like. I know what a mountain looks like, but it's different than seeing them in the distance a lot. I like that I'm guaranteed to see them next week and next summer as well. Sweeeet.

05. the Telephone/MPD. Do you remember reading Seventeen magazine or CosmoGIRL! or YM or whatever when you were younger? Do you remember the Hot/Not sections that explained what was cool that season & what wasn't? Well, I'll be looking back on this summer and remembering how all of a sudden I was pushed so suddenly back into the world of telephoning people I don't know (instead of fbing/emailing them). It's a strange thing the phone. So foreign to me. Now, if I had an iPhone I may be much more inclined to call people. Maybe that's what I should do - buy an iPhone in celebration of reaching 50% by mid august (please, Lord!). Anyways, I have a new aversion to the phone because it is what I have to use to call strangers.

full assurance of hope until the end

2008-07-14T13:36:00.001-04:00

"And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." Hebrews 6:11-12.

This is officially my MPD verse.

the end of the.... telephone receiver?

2008-07-12T22:15:00.003-04:00

I know I've been talking a lot about this, but it's because it's all that's happening. Me battling my laziness & procrastination. I admit: I'm a fool. I'm illogical and ridiculous and I waste time. This week I had a few pretty good appointments with some solid referrals. One potentially could lead to some MPs which is neat.

Today after a conversation with my dad and through reading a few chapters of some book about breaking bad habits, I realized that I'm making this all much worse and longer than it needs to be. And then my dad and I watched The End of the Spear. Talk about reinforcing the point that my MPD is really not that big of a deal. You know, since it doesn't involve martyrdom. I hope it's smooth sailing from here. I pray.

i'm posting this so the internet will keep me accountable... or you will

2008-07-09T13:55:00.005-04:00

MPD has been a bit of a struggle for me the last few weeks. It hasn't been that I haven't had contacts to contact. It hasn't been that I have had tons of 'no's and been discouraged. It boils down to the fact that I had went away & didn't set any appointments up for the next week and proceeded to do very little that week.

So now I've lost momentum (which we were warned not to lose).

BUT, things have been picking up this week! I've had two appointments & some really great referrals. I have 2 more appointments (& possibly 4 if things work out in the next few days). I've re-gained motivation because these appointments have shown me that people are actually interested in what I'm doing & want to support me (imagine that!). I really do want to be done by September/October for different reasons. Now I see that it's quite possible if I get enough appointments done in a week. Before my thinking was more like "i can work really hard and it still might not work out, so why work really hard?" How pessimistic of me!

So now really the task of mastering my own procrastination. Please wish me luck because it is not an easy thing to master. EVERYTHING IN ME IS TELLING ME TO MASTER IT LATER haha. seriously. But I guess I've decided that I actually wouldn't mind MPD being (most of) my life if it actually gets me on campus by the fall.

why I am the way I am

2008-07-03T19:21:00.002-04:00

2 reasons why I enjoy my dad:

He says things like: "Forget the fireworks; feed the poor!"
When pushing the grocery cart back to the car he'll run with the cart & then hop on to the back and ride it to the car, as if he is 5. He's 50 at the end of July.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-07-02T15:50:00.004-04:00

So far in MPD I've really been forced to revisit almost every area of who I used to be before God really started changing me. It has been a gentle thing which I'm very grateful for because a lot of these things I would rather forget. Like the one MPD appointment where my supporter told me I had really hurt her son growing up (I was a mean kid, maybe even a bit of a bully?). That appointment made me really have to consider who I was back then and who I had become. I had to ask the question 'why did I turn out semi-decently when I could have been many many other things'?

I've had to sort of revisit another aspect of my past which I wont go into detail here. It also relates to MPD because I need to ask myself – do I really want to approach these people and give them the opportunity to share in what I'm doing. I formerly would really loved to never hear their names or speak to them ever again. Not because I have any un-dealt with feelings but because it would just be so awkward because of what took place between their family and mine.

What got me thinking about this was because my one really super enthusiastic champion supporter wanted to introduce me to some of his business partners. I ended up going to a Landowners Union political rally. Say what?

Some of you may know that I live in the country & spent the majority of my life in a rinkidink town full of people who drive their skidoos to school in the winter and listen to country music very loudly and take much pride in their country-ness. I spent the first 6 years of my life in Saskatoon and had always thought of myself as a city girl. When I moved to the town I live in now, that translated as HUGE pride and I was a snob about it. I pretty much carried that with me to a lesser extent until I got to university. Even still I can see traces of it in me, but there are things that I really value about my time in the area and really wouldn't trade it for anything. I still don't really like country music but there definitely is something attractive about a man who feels comfortable tacking horses, even if I know very little about it.

So here I find myself being asked to write articles for a local magazine called "Landowner" and attending a political rally raising awareness that the Government is doing all this crappy stuff to local rural people. Standing there listening to the people talking I had profound respect for them. They were not the uneducated farmers who chose to farm because they couldn't work the stock market & now are asking ridiculous things of the government. They were citizens who did their research – quoted the UN HABITAT document (we studied that a bit in a class I took) and were civil society collaborating and engaging the government to protect their rights and to keep it in check. I've written many arguments about how this is a key factor in a healthy democracy.

I did feel very out of place even just in what I was wearing but I felt quite at home with these white-40+-farmers because they sounded a lot like some of my left-wing classmates. It was a very interesting and enlightening experience for me. And I got to meet some potential supporters, too.

I feel so out of my element. I feel like God is totally forcing me to deal with this not-so-secret semi-resentment for the place I grew up. I think part of the reason I felt this way about the place I live is that I just never really felt like I fit in. I definitely contributed to this because I distanced myself from the local culture (but I have grown an appreciation for AC/DC, which is very much an Ottawa Valley thing).

I'm glad this is happening; I don't exactly want to be a proud snob!

hands held high

2008-07-01T11:48:00.002-04:00

When I was driving to Southern Ontario I listened to the new Linkin Park CD. Yes, I often like their songs. This one song that I'm going to share with you made me cry! Maybe cause I was hormonal (I don't really think I was though), but anyways.

I'd also like to remind people of the disclaimer on the sidebar before they look at this video, and note that the language used in this video isn't exactly clean. This song speaks to me especially because of the hippie-protester in me. Anyways, what really hit me in this song is the direct link to the horrible state of the world & Christianity. That just really upset me. People look to America and see a war waged in the name of God and think that all Christians love super right-wing economic policy & questionable business practices. Awesome.

Hands Held High by Linkin Park

adventures in driving

2008-06-28T14:28:00.003-04:00

Wednesday I drove to Elmira where my dad's family is in order to do some MPD. Thursday morning I had an appointment and right after that I had to pick up Angela from her North Africa STINT debrief. The week earlier we discussed how to get there, which consisted of her telling me the name of the place, me searching it on google maps & getting the map.

Thursday at noon I left St. Clements to drive to what I was led to believe was a retreat centre just south of Guelph. That was true, but not quite what I had in mind. The following was the map I had found in my quick google maps query:

maps wouldn't let me embedd a map, so here's the link to where the wrong directions brought me & where I needed to go.

So that's pretty easy, I figured. But when I arrived at 12:30 sharp, I found I was in a residential area with nothing like a retreat centre in site. I had no address. All I had was the name of the place that was in an email on my iPod. It seemed as if I was screwed. So having NO CLUE where this thing was I stopped at a gas station and asked if they recognized the name. Being that it was a Christian retreat centre i figured they probably didn't recognize it. They didn't. They did recognize Puslich, ON and gave me directions to that.

Ok, I realized at this point that I was on a bit of an adventure.

I got to the lights, drove to the next set of lights and found that there was not a gas station like the man had said. I continued on until I did find another gas station and went in for directions again. The guy pulled out a map (funny, you'd think I would have just bought it off of him since it was a store and everything) and showed me where I was. I had gone in the opposite direction the gas station guy had told me. Minor details. So I was twice as far away from where I needed to be. He gave me directions and as I drove I started forgetting them. I knew I needed to turn left in to the 34 & get to Brock St. but where the heck did I turn? My first left? The first stop sign? I took the first left and drove until the next main road. I found myself on hwy 6. Not where I wanted to be. I went down there and took what look like maybe it was the right road. I ended up back on the road I had turned off of that got me to hwy 6. Ugh. somehow i managed to weave my way to the original place that got me onto the 34.

ANYWAYS, I got VERY LOST. And I still had no idea where this place was. I somehow managed to remember that where I needed to go was south-east and relatively near to the 401. I didn't mean to get onto the 401 but the road i was travelling on just turned into a turn-pike going east on the 401. haha oops. I took the first exit and found myself at a red light turning waiting to turn left. At this point I was soooooo frustrated and still had no idea where I was going. It was 1:45. I had been driving for almost 2 hours. I had previously prayed for a sign -- a physical sign or something else.

And then there the sign was, in all it's glory. A van pulled across my vision as it turned left in front of me. And there she was, Selina one of the STINTers in the van. I knew that she had come from the direction that I was planning on turning away from. So I ended up turning right - driving, and miraculously found the place. Reunited with Angela!

For amusement sake I will show you the ridiculous route I took in getting to the place:

The pink lightning bolt is where I had my Selina sighting. I'd also like to point out that the purple line is not even the directions the 2nd gas station dude told me to go. He told me to take the 34 straight to Brock St = I wouldn't have a) seen Selina or b) really gotten to my destination like I had hoped. So the getting-lost thing was to my advantage... sort of.

on oversharing

2008-06-25T11:39:00.004-04:00

So I was reading this article from the Boundless Blog that talks about how many people overshare -- are too open about their life's details -- and the implications of that in a real life example. I know that I often talk openly about my life and forget that others aren't interested in their lives being exposed for all to see.

Where is the line between honesty, openness about one's own life? At what point do we cross the line between sharing information that will be helpful to others in their own lives to making our own lives like a zoo where people come to watch for entertainment or to make themselves feel better? AND, is there anything wrong with that? Are randoms-who-blog like me promoting this obsession with other people's lives that has made people like Perez Hilton popular?

I'd like your thoughts :)

all I can think of are clichés and this is not the time for them

2008-06-19T20:43:00.005-04:00

So in driving home from a support appointment today I was thinking about how I get myself in situations I don't know how to deal with. I have plenty of stories of people confessing awful things that they have done or been through or stories that I have experienced with people as they were honest & shared their life with me. But then, like I said, I find myself in situations I have no clue how to deal with or help them through.

What do you say to a person who tells you they used to cut themselves when they were upset but then switched to watching hard core pornography so that they would feel ashamed?

What do you say to a person who has clearly told you that they have a plan to kill themselves and explain the plan to you?

What about when a person admits a sexual abuse so horrible that they actually don't remember the details -- their brain has blocked it out -- but they know it happened?*

Seriously? What do you say!? The crazy thing is, I could probably avoid knowing these things about people. When asking people about themselves I often can tell if they are lying or not telling the whole truth and because I love Truth I usually probe until it comes to the surface. And then I'm left speechless.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this and I respected people's boundaries; if they decide to say they're doing fine when they're not, maybe I should just let them be. But from experience, so many of these people just aren't honest because they don't feel like they have anyone to be honest with -- that people don't care or will be so horrified they'll run off. I admit, I have wanted to run before!

So on this drive home today I was asking myself: why do I open up the doors for people to pour out their scary scary secrets, when I'm so helpless to do anything. I concluded that even if I don't have the words to say to make it better maybe in being honest they wont feel alone through it all. And maybe, just maybe, they'll be one step closer to healing.

*none of these things are associated with the person I met with today

Dear Random Strangers,

2008-06-19T00:15:00.006-04:00

Please stop sending me emails that are not to me. I am not Jessica H, I am not from the US. Nor do I live in New Zealand. I am neither of these Jessicas. I have never signed up for eHarmony and I'm not sure why you're sending me pictures of the deer you shot. But I am going to share these pictures with the world cause that's what you get for sending your email to the wrong person.... over and over and over.

time goes by so slowly

2008-06-17T22:09:00.002-04:00

So remember at the beginning of last semester when I was enrolled in those french classes for like... a day before a dropped them out of laziness? Well, I think that lesson in perseverance that I was supposed to learn then is coming back to bite me in the butt. This MPD thing is really getting to me. The calling is the hard part for me. Once the appointment is made, I'm golden. Making the appointment is so hard for me. I find it so easy to justify putting off the calling and then I'm left with 3 appointments in a week instead of 10. 3 appointments a week means that I will be around doing MPD for a very long time, but it doesn't seem to sink into my thick skull that more calls now will generally speaking mean less time away from Montreal.

This is so reminiscent of french class in 3rd year. I would have this physical pain in my chest because I hated going to class so much and then often I would skip and the relief would be instant. FREEDOM. But I can't do that now. In some ways I am but another part of me tries to talk some sense into me. What happens is usually an evening of calling turns into about 5 dials, 2 actually getting through to people & maybe 1 appt made if I'm lucky. BLAH.

the office, waterloo etc.

2008-06-16T10:35:00.003-04:00

I made a semi-spontaneous trip to Elmira/Waterloo this weekend. We left at 6:30 am and got to Elmira at 12:30ish I think. Nick and I watched The Office the entire ride down on his laptop. I think it was Season 2. That was thoroughly enjoyable. When we watched the office on Thursday nights this past semester I never really realized how RETARCULOUSLY funny it is. Mostly cause people were talking & I had no idea what was going on. The few things I could pick up at the time was that Jim liked Pam and Michael was a tard and had a thing with Jan but I don't think I really knew who Jan was... Julia just kept talking about Jan and all these other peoples' names that I never figured out who they were. BUT NOW I KNOW.

I ended up being able to get together with Marvin in Waterloo Friday evening where we chatted for awhile & I got to do my presentation with her. That was pretty exciting. Her reaction (= feeling perhaps the beginning of a calling to Quebec, no jokes!) I think was the best one I've had so far. Seriously. People partnering in prayer & finances is sweet, but people partnering in prayer and finances and then wanting to go themselves?? That's out of control.

I really enjoyed spending time with my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins. They've been serving in Prague, Czech Republic for the last 10 years and have only been back for not even an entire year. We talked about how they're back in Canada but it's definitely not home, and doing cross-cultural missions. They had some pretty interesting and important insight about the challenges I will likely face in reaching the Quebecois population.

As most of you know, while I was there I found out that my grampy (who I had visited while I was in BC) had suddenly passed away. I'm doing fine with the news; I know he lived a good 15-20 years longer than is normal for someone with diabetes (he was going to be awarded some crazy certificate from the Governor General for health... which is kind of weird. like "congratulations for not dying yet!") and I know he's gone to be with Jesus so that's pretty cool. So, as strange as it may seem to some people -- my life is going on as usual. I can't afford to fly out to BC for the funeral, but my mom & younger brother are leaving on Wednesday for the Memorial service on Saturday.

My next few weeks are going to fly by like crazy I think. I'd like to see if maybe I can actually get 10 appointments this week, but I kind of doubt that. We shall see!

ti-yerd

2008-06-11T17:44:00.004-04:00

Last night's meeting totally wiped me out. I don't know how but I kind of hit the wall of too much out-put. I'm not even really putting out (ha!) that much emotionally -- just doing my presentation & working up the nerve to call people. But, I guess I learned last semester as I read the book called Burnout that people who constantly experience or face rejection are more apt to feel worn out. Rightfully so.

Anyways, I took the day off (save about an hours worth of dialing & data entry) and it's been nice. Granted, I really REALLY want to watch a couple episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8, but my mom's ... (this is me editing the mean adverbs I want to use) husband is very determined to ... watch A&E (read: depressing shows about murder & mayhem) and not let me experience 6 small bits of 3-year-old-asian joy.

So I think I'll do something else with my time as my KFC digests uncomfortably. I really need to brush up on my webdesign non-skills and turn them into skills. When I was 16 I changed my blog template practically every week. I had lots of time on my hands then apparently.

things not to do in MPD 1

2008-06-10T23:26:00.004-04:00

some of you have had the entertaining experience of watching When Bob Goes A Calling (or whatever it's called) -- the example/bloopers of a MPD presentation. I had a blooper-like experience tonight. Actually, it was very similar to one of the What Not To Dos where the get-to-know-them time at the beginning goes on for like 2 hours about fishing? Yep.

My appointment was THREE HOURS. Count 'em: 3. Things I learned from this:

When they seem like talkers during the rapport building at the beginning, be WARY when you ask the lead question into the presentation. It took a good 7 minutes for him to answer.
Even if you don't have an appt right after, say you have things to do - you probably should be calling people anyways, so peace out.
GET A WATCH, I have put off getting a watch for awhile but I will be watch shopping tomorrow I assure you

My face is sore from the talking and i'm just plain exhausted. I think I may be officially afraid of appointments!

i feel in my heart --- the start of something new

2008-06-07T15:38:00.002-04:00

I look forward to the day when I wont die by using my laptop in the bath. Since I don't have a pool, I'm loving the idea of just sitting in a cold bath in my bathing suit doing MPD. I could technically call people from a cold bath, but dropping the phone into the bath is very likely. This heat is really getting to me -- it's been 2 days and already the headaches and stickiness has started. I'm not made for this. I'm made for .... not this. I hope heaven is temperate and God's glory doesn't cause a sticky humidity or dry hot heat. I guess even if it did, I'd like it?

MPD is going well. 9% so far. I'm happy with that. But what I'm not happy with is my own personal performance. My presentations are going well -- finally I'm getting the hang of NOT forgetting a few key parts. One time I remembered to say them, but forgot to tell my stories haha. I'm not happy with my calling abilities. I think I've finally got the hang of calling and realized I'd really rather be rejected on the phone if I was going to be rejected. But I haven't been rejected so far, so that's pretty good. Some have been near-rejects/rejects-by-tone-of-voice-but-saying "I'll talk to my husband" or whatever.

Enough about MPD. I'm kind of sick of it (sort of). I really need a hobby. I made a webpage to help my MPD - which was nice because it was something creative that counted for MPD hours haha. I've been trying to think of things I should do -- they have to have quick results or there's really no point. I want something creative -- artsy, music-like, or literary.... since on my Birkman I'm like 95-99% on all three of those areas. Also, I'm finding myself more in need of social contact that doesn't involve me talking about MPD/what I'm doing/asking for money or referrals. I'm still emailing with people which is nice, but that's not the same as hanging out and randomly busting out in unison to cheesy songs and generally having history with ppl.

Jessica W, BAH

2008-06-05T22:43:00.002-04:00

I graduated yesterday. I was pretty surprised with how emotional I was. There was this great moment when everyone stood and clapped for us. I nearly starred sobbing. Finally we were getting the recognition we deserved, I deserved. I kept waving off any words of affirmation previously, but when the whole room stood up to congratulate us on all our hard work and perseverance I got all emotional. Yes, I worked hard and put up with a lot of secular academic bs on order to get my degree. It was nice to see people acknowledging the dedication it takes to not quit. I'm not saying that school was all that her; it wasn't. But school + ministry + having a life = hard work at times. I could have had really good marks had my life been only about school. I chose to have a balance and learning how to balance was a challenge. So now I am a university graduate. It's kind of spiffy sounding. I like it! Jessica W, BAH.

i think this roller-coaster beats Wonderland any day

2008-06-01T22:51:00.003-04:00

My life revolves around MPD. My dad said to me, "you can take a break, you know?" and then I replied, "have. not. completed. my. eight. hours. yet!" It proceeded to be a very discouraging time of phone-calling. People who I grew up with their kids, they and my parents were quite close for awhile. They seemed very uninterested in meeting with me. I know that they'd be very supportive at least in philosophy of what I'm doing, but they assume I'm going to corner them and make them feel guilty if they don't give seems to make them uncomfortable.

Anyways, after I was done calling all these questions were swirling in my head. They weren't SERIOUS, BIG questions, just the kind of rhetorical ones like: why am I doing this again?? And then my smart brain would come up with good answers and it was annoying. why did I not just get a normal job?

I was glad my work was done for the evening. I went into town to my moms and then was showing her my new iPod Touch my dad got me as a graduation gift (p.s. her name is Miss Rose and she's SO HOT). I was telling my mom how disappointing and slightly discouraging it was to have these conversations with these people. She was pretty discouraged, too, i could tell from her tight-lipped "Mmhmm"s. As we're talking about this, the phone rings.

A couple I left a message on their machine that evening called. He was THRILLED I called and said he already supported someone with C4C, but said my call was an answer to prayer. "I'll write the $600 check right now." He said he'd be a random giver, and gives what extra he has and puts it where God tells him. That's encouraging.

And then to top that off, someone I had been praying would give mentioned they had been thinking they would give when I asked them for an appointment. So basically, God is pretty darn incredible and I like Him.

a lot of you have done this already and can laugh at me/empathize

2008-05-29T20:00:00.003-04:00

When I said previously that I was excited to do MPD, let me say for the record that I was ignorant. Sure, sharing my vision is fun and working closer to my support goal is also great. But picking up the phone and calling people to make appointments is hella scary. HELLA SCARY.

that is all.

10 things

2008-05-29T11:04:00.005-04:00

i'm back and i feel like i've been caught in a whirlwind/tornado. It hasn't sunk in that I'm going to Montreal yet, because Montreal still seems so far away. I have only had one appointment and only have 2 scheduled for the rest of the week so far. I spent extra time in BC to visit my grandfather in the hospital who was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor 6 weeks ago. I got off the plane at midnight local time this morning. Two words: JET LAG.

Highlights of my trip in no particular order:

10. I love airplanes

09. The mountains!

08. Meeting & getting to know "Len". What an amazing guy. I'm so glad he's the president

07. Rooming with Emily T!!

06. Getting placed in Montreal

05. Getting my Birkman (oh my goodness was that ever enlightening)

04. Eating at Whitespot

03. Seeing my family out in BC

02. Watch my grandfather flirt with the nurses like stereotypical old men on TV/movies

01. Knowing that the next 10 years of my life are going to be so much more full & exciting and abounding in possibilities that I never had imagined before I went to BC.

the journey begins

2008-05-23T11:56:00.002-04:00

I'm finished MET & my aunt is coming to pick me up in a little bit. I've really appreciated my time here. Last night after all the official festivities ended, all the new staff hung out in the girls' suite and talked. We played hotseat and had a great time asking each other questions about each other. There were some intense moments and some really funny moments. I really like these people! MPD training in particular was challenging. It challenged a lot of my ideas, it taught me a lot, and I feel very equipped to go out and start my support team.

I've also been thinking about locking up my blog again - not because of personal insecurities, but because of the organization's blogging policy. I want to do my best to honour that so we'll see how that turns out.

I kind of feel like my MPD time hasn't started yet & wont start until I get home. That's partially true, but there are some administrative things I can do until wednesday. I imagine I'll have at least 2 presentations to do here, and 2 when I get home, but I'll try and set up several appointments for the end of the week next week. In order to hit our goal in a reasonable time, we're encouraged to have 10-15 appointments a week. We'll see if I'm able to get near that many.

This is going to be quite a ridiculous ride.

from sea to shining sea (where will I be?)

2008-05-17T20:00:00.000-04:00

I'm writing this at 6:30 pm (BC time) May 16. I'm scheduling to have this published at 5pm BC time May 17 when I'm allowed to inform the world of where I'll be going. I did this because at this time I should be at "Len's" place for supper & for an evening swim. I have to say, one of the highlights of MET has been to get to know the president of my organization better. What strikes me the most about him is his humility. He makes it very clear how he has lived a life that so many of us in the organization strive to live -- but that he turned away from this lifestyle for 7 years. He saw so many incredible things done by God in his life, yet he turned away. It takes a lot to be honest about that. I'm looking forward to going to his place. Oh right, I'm here to tell you where my placement is! I guess I'll stop leaving you hanging. Montreal, here I come!

moment of truth

2008-05-16T21:14:00.003-04:00

Today I got an envelope with my name on it. It told me where I'll be going once my support raising is finished. However, I cannot tell you where I'm going until tomorrow evening. We're supposed to not talk about it for 24 hours in order for us to process the information if it's not where we were expecting. I think this is a good rule, even if some people are skeptical about it.

In the envelope was a letter from the director of Campus for Christ, and another envelope with my placement information in it. I cannot explain to you how fast my heart beat as I read that letter and opened the envelope.

there is therefore now no condemnation...

2008-05-12T21:51:00.007-04:00

I have this tendency to be exposed to a lie and then realize it, and be kind of annoyed that I believed it and then go on a personal crusade in defiance of said lie. 8 weeks ago I password protected this blog and invited some people to have access to it. I was honest and said it was "rooted in my embarrassment of my questionable character and lack of perfection" which I admitted as being lame at the time. I'm kind of shocked at my brutal honesty -- I knew it back then that what I was doing was as a result of some stupid idea that people might read about my life and make some condemning judgment about me.

So, in the spirit of rebellion against my former acceptance of an insecurity, I am opening up my blog again. As to who won the bet about how long it would take for me to open it back up - Angela said I would hold out until MET and MET is in 2 days, although her reasoning wasn't right. The reason I'm doing it is because I recognize that my logic is faulty (as I did back then, but was still kind of affected by the idea) but also to stand firm against this stupid logic.

So for everyone out there reading this: yes, i post disgusting pictures of rotting food and say things that might make you squirm -- whether it's because I talk about Jesus a lot or whether it's because I make obscure references to drug usage. But ultimately, I am accepted by God and really... that's the most important thing. :)

i'm gross and no one will want to marry me after i post this

2008-05-11T22:23:00.008-04:00

I procrastinate. You all should know this by now.

This means that I have been known to let cleaning slide a bit. My room gets quite messy, and this year so did my mini fridge. having 5 girls in one home means that the fridge is bulging and really doesn't fit everything. So I kept my food in my mini-fridge in my room.

I had a pretty busy semester, lot's of things happened as you know. I'm not really sure when this happened, but one day I opened my fridge and it was starting to smell bad. And then i closed it and thought to myself, "I should clean that out. I'll do it later." Time passed. I don't know how long or when this was but eventually I vowed I wouldn't open it again until the end of the semester. This was mainly because moments before i had opened it and the smell filled my entire floor of the house. It was still cold and I couldn't open the windows. So I made the vow, and while I did it it occurred to me "wow, that's going to be foul. The end of the semester is quite awhile away." But I did it.

So moving day came and I was going to get Julia to help me carry the fridge down the 2 flights of stairs outside. "Do you have a hose?" she asked. I didn't. I realized i REALLY needed one, and so then I just opted to wait until getting home to clean it out. I duct taped it up. The following day when kevin & I lifted it into the trailer, juices were leaking out of it onto my hand. Gross.

So I wasn't planning for that trailer to sit outside in the hot sun for 2 days. When I finally unloaded it at my dad's place on the Wednesday (we moved Sunday) it was... an adventure. I thought it would smell so bad it would make me want to hurl. It was actually not that much worse than it had been when I closed it - which is a testament to how gross I had let it get when I first shut it.

I did document it however. Just cause I'm freaky like that. Do not scroll down if you are eating or have just eaten. Just don't. Also, you will probably lose all respect for me. I guess I can deal with that.

that's the fridge when I first opened it

That was spaghetti. I don't really remember what was in it that made it do that

that was a head of broccoli. yum!
that was a green pepper.

Now the question is: will you still be my friend?