I concede

This morning I realized a lot of things about the last few months. As I previously blogged about last week, things seem to be finally changing for me. After a phone call from an older, wiser, MDiv toting fellow staff member last night I feel a lot different about my MPD.

I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.

I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.

I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.

Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.

This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.

I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.

It feels sooo good.

...

1. Being feminine and the things we wear that define us from the opposite sex & how it's easy for me to opt out of femininity out of concern (read: paranoia/guilt) for being too flashy/bad steward of money
   
2. My weeks start really good, really positive, and then often end really poorly in discouragement
   
3. I've been getting frustrated really easily and then feel flares of anger inside, kind of like a volcano bubbling up. Good thing I'm alone a lot.
   
4. people say that with the internet etc. there is significantly less engagement in civil society, which I'm sure is true, but I have to admit that I had lots of fun microblogging the debate with a bunch of other people. 
5. I really like Pepsi & the Fringe
6. I've always been very strong in my voting opinions. I don't often talk about who I vote for during elections cause my choice is highly unpopular amongst Christians. Today, for a moment, I considered perhaps voting for someone different. Not because my political convictions have changed. In my riding voting for who I do is considered a "throw away vote" and there are those that I do not want to be voted in. I usually don't vote strategically like that, I just stick to my guns and that way I can have a conscience. We'll see what goes down in a week.