the elephant in the room

If you could see me right now I think you would laugh as your heart went out to me in some sort of amused pity. I'm sitting here in my PJs, still in bed eating Cadbury Mini Eggs (for breakfast) reading article on article about singleness.

I'm not sad. Really, I promise. But I would like to discuss the elephant in the room. I've been thinking about this on and off the last couple weeks/months. I haven't been very honest about it ever before because I think there is a lot of embarrassment attached to it because I don't want to feel this way. I guess I'll explain how this started. Last night I watched a really informative interview (it starts around 26:00) about men mostly because I had too much Pepsi before I went to bed and couldn't sleep so I figured I'd do something semi-productive. Then I woke up this morning wondering why I felt that pang of loneliness in my heart. Oh right. It's because I watched this video on essentially how to be a good wife and I definitely do not have a husband right now.

So then I went to Boundless (even though sometimes I hate that website) to find something that would encourage me or rebuke me or something. I found this article that did rebuke me but also pointed out that I'm totally not crazy.

You see, in the last few weeks a few of my friends have started relationships. This is REALLY WONDERFUL. I'm very pleased for them! But let's be honest, it's not exactly easy to all of a sudden be hearing all this information about how wonderful the man is in their life. Because they're my friends and I love them and I truly want to know what's going on in their life, I ask them about the relationship. How is it going? What are you learning? Etc. I totally want to journey with them on this thing. But then the other part of me is seriously like "if I hear another comment about how wonderful their life is now that they're not single I might go crazy". I don't want to feel this way. Like the author of the article said and I'm embarrassed to admit it's true about me (but I'll say it for the sake of everyone else who has thought the same thing at one point or another), "God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible."

But it is; it's commanded.

This whole scenario reminds me of a situation that happened in my house a few years ago. I had a housemate who was in a relationship and she talked about it a lot - like most girls do. One day another single housemate kind of blew up and said something to the effect of, "Please don't talk about him anymore to me. I can't handle it." The friend who was in the relationship was really hurt and confused. The single girl later went back to her and repented for what she said and admitted that she did want to be a part of Relationship Girl's life, it was just really hard for Single Girl. I think this is a common dillema. If a single girl is truly ok with you talking about your boyfriend/husband all the time, it's because God has brought her into a season of real contentment, or she's lying to you. I've pretty much done it. The lying part. I think it was more out of a desire to want to be ok with my singleness when I wasn't really as ok as I had thought. On the other hand, I've also been through those seasons where I was totally so OK with being single because I was so excited about what God had for me in the present.

In my article jumping this morning I found another one called "Seven Myths Single Women Believe" and it's SO TRUE. I'll list them here so you can be lazy:

1. God will give me a husband when I'm ready
2. God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child
3. When it's the right guy, I'll just know
4. When I get married, then my life will begin
5. Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs
6. There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest
7. The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone.
   

In my life thus far I have believed every one of these myths at one point or another. For the longest time I believed 1-4. Mostly #4.

But when I got over #4 I started believing #2 again. Like, I'm serving some sort of purpose as a single person and once that purpose as a single is served I'll get a husband. There's probably some truth to that, but it totally ignores the fact that God loves me because it's his nature, not because I've done my single-woman duties.

And then other times I wonder, is my problem that I have too much choice? If this were the 1950s I would have probably settled down with a guy already because I would have not been so driven to accomplish my own things and had my own ideas of what I want that go above and beyond just a Godly man. Challies reminded me of this today in his article. Sometimes I also wonder if the characteristics I'm looking for in a man are too specific and I'm setting this standard of "perfection" that no man can really live up to? Or are these qualities things God has put in my heart because He knows what I need better than I do? I resigned to trust that they were God-given until he changed my heart about them. This article called "My Single Identity Baggage" was challenging too.

Anyways, I have been duly rebuked by the first article. I need to rejoice with those who rejoice. I have always wanted to, but I guess I felt justified in my mini pity party.

I really am happy for you, friends in relationships. I'm going to be better at rejoicing with you in word and in spirit. And one day you will be able to rejoice with me too!

I choose to ooze with enthuuuusiasm

Yesterday was reminiscent of when I was sick. Things seemed less bright and hopeful. Today when I woke up one of my first thoughts was, "Ugh. Kathy calls at 12:30. I should make some calls before she calls me. Ugh. I hate calling. When will this be over?!"

I got up out of bed with this bad attitude in my heart. I didn't like how it felt. I thought I had grown out of that in the last couple weeks. It was like pants that fit too tight and give you a muffin top... so unfortunate. I was quickly reminded of prayer. "Lord, I don't want to have this attitude. Help me to see this as an opportunity. Help me rejoice in the calls that I have to make today and help me to make the choice to be happy about my circumstances."

Immediately, I felt hopeful and almost excited to make the scary calls this morning. I used to enjoy clinging to my bad attitudes and hard heart. I think this might be changing. Maybe that's partly what this epicly long MPD business is all about: beating my bad attitudes out of me by forcing me to face them day after day after day after day after day until I don't like them anymore and want to put them to DEATH.

And maybe, just maybe, it's finally working.

Challies on Weakness

Tim Challies' post today on weakness voices a lot of what I've been learning the last few years and months. The following three points are things that God has been showing me during my time in university and I thought I would pass on to those of you who don't read his blog.

I have come up with a list of three reasons that Christians need to be honest about expressing weakness and need.

First, expressing weakness is an expression of humility. Conversely, it is only pride that keeps me from making my needs known and asking others to minister to me. When I am filled with pride, a strong and ever-present foe, I would rather suffer silently than humble myself and allow others to extend help to me. Far too often I have feigned strength when I am filled only with weakness. Far too often I have allowed pride to overwhelm humility and have suffered in my sinful silence.

Second, expressing weakness allows others to plead for me before God. There are times when my prayers are weak and filled with doubt. There are times when I don’t even know what to pray or how to pray for myself. In these times it is comforting to know that others are praying for me and holding me up before the throne of grace. What a blessing it is to be part of a body where we can express the needs of others and bring these before God.

Finally, when I refuse to express my weakness I refuse to give other people the opportunity to minister to me. I withhold a blessing from them. It is a strange fact that, while I am always eager and willing to help those who reach out to me, I am far less eager to reach out to others. I cannot count the number of times that I have been blessed by having the opportunity to help others. While I attempt to see extending help and charity as a selfless act, an act primarily for my own benefit, it is sometimes difficult not to! I have had my faith challenged and strengthened and have been greatly blessed in helping others. When I have heard expressions of gratitude by those I’ve been able to help I have often had to say, with honesty and humility I think, that it was surely a greater blessing to be able to help than it was to receive assistance. Why is it, then, that I am so hesitant to allow others the opportunity to be blessed by helping me? It seems to me that I must be as sinful in refusing to help those in need as I am in refusing to allow them to bless and minister to me when I have need.

I hope you find this beneficial.

changes

For awhile this past month I've been secretly horrified with myself, quietly confused with what's been happening in my heart and my head. It started one not so great day at Winter Conference when I was in an elevator with some french students. As they were talking, I realized I reallllly couldn't decipher much of what they were saying. In that moment it occurred to me that I didn't want to go serve on a french campus. In fact, in that moment I didn't want to be on campus at all.

These sentiments continued for most of the month. Not because I suddenly disliked campus ministry or the french language. It was, I think, mostly out of a fear of what felt like the impossible. How did I ever think I had what it takes to spend most of my time speaking French? (especially after it's been approximately 2 years since I've taken a french course).

But, as the end of the month approaches and with it comes the very likely prospect of MPD again, and as I considered the possibility of going to Colorado this summer for IBS I became excited. Excited!

And with that excitement came (get this!) a desire to get this MPD thing over with.

I'm getting antsy.

this is a very good sign.

The Source (Pt 2)

That was a dream I had when I was about 16 or 17. It's always weirded me out, as I'm sure it did you as well. I still have no clue what the whole 'tribe of Judah' thing is in relation to my dream. Part of me wonders if one day that dream will make total sense.

I was reminded of the dream last weekend when I was talking to a friend about development issues. She brought up a story that she had heard that Brian McLaren had mentioned in one of his books. I just found it on Google Books and it turns out he is quoting Jim Wallis. The story goes like this: you see someone drowning in the river beside you. You wade out to rescue them and bring them to safety. As this person is drying off, you hear another scream for help and you see that another person is drowning. You wade out and help save this person, too. you bring them back to the hard, dry land and get them a towel. And then you hear another scream. You're starting to see a trend here and it occurs to you to look upstream, and there are many other people in the water. So you, or someone with you realizes, "We have to go upstream and stop these people from falling into the water in the first place!"

While helping people in crisis is really important, so is stopping those people from getting into said crisis. That's what my heart has been about development, and that is why it's been so upsetting to me because I want to find a source and cut it off. In the face of giant corporations who make more money than most countries do, in the face of rabid armies and all the other various huge challenges, like I've said before. Seems hopeless.

Last night, I was reading Romans 12. The last verse of Romans 12 is one I've heard countless times before. This time it hit me in a new way, as the Word of GOD has a tendency of doing. The verse is, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." I imagine you can see what I saw. I had been overcome by the evil in this world. This verse assumes that it is possible to overcome evil with good, an assumption I had never made before. In fact, I assumed it wasn't possible to overcome evil with good.

As I reflected on this, I could feel it rising in me. I'm getting my fight back.

The Source (Pt 1)

I am under water. In the deep, dark depths of a body of water. I start swimming towards the surface, and can see as I'm traveling too slowly upward that the sky beyond is brooding. There is a storm at bay. But the storm in the sky brings much less fear to my heart than the realization that I am running out of air. My lungs burn, not with the feeling of a race well run but of the desperation of a lack of oxygen. I pump my legs and arms harder and harder. I begin to think that I might not make it to the surface.

There it is! I can feel my hand break the membrane of water into the cold, windy air above. Just before my head breaks the surface I realize the answer to my problems: the tribe of Judah! Somehow this brings relief, from what I'm not sure. As I gasp!!! for air, filling my lungs as deeply as possible with the sweet, sweet oxygen I had been denied for so long, I realize that I am in a very, very large body of water. An ocean, perhaps, as I cannot see land. What I can see all around me, though, are people in various stages of breaking the surface towards the life-bringing oxygen.

But after the wonderful, sweet realization that I have survived I come face to face with the terrifying understanding that I am one of many people here in this angry ocean, with no life boat and no land. I don't know who these people are or why they are here with me; I don't even know why I am here in this ocean, together with these strangers in anxiety but completely alone.

quarter-life crisis

So I have this bad habit of blogging when I feel kind of crappy and then not updating it when I feel much better a few days later lol. Or in the case of my last post.... hours later?

Last week I kind of had a bit of an identity crisis. Actually, it's kind of ongoing, but it came to my attention last week. I was feeling like I didn't really know what defined me from any other Christian woman my age. I know there are things that make me different from my friends, but for some reason I guess my identity isn't rooted in those things.

I spoke with my counselor about it and she pointed out that if our identity is rooted in our ministry, clothes, family life, friends, money, or other things like this women especially tend towards depression because it's like building your house on sand. It wont hold up in the long run. I've realized that a lot of my identity is based on my personal ministry & who I am to other people. My big question is: if I decided to not finish my MPD (which I wont, I'm just saying hypothetically) what would I do???

I have no idea.

Formerly, I would have been allllllll over something international development related. But at this point in my life, I can't deal with that. Which, I think also lends itself to why I'm kind of identity confused. I used to be the person who would talk about injustice and corporate greed and all this kind of stuff; I was passionate about it. I'm not that person anymore. Well, in some ways I am but in other ways not really. I'm really struggling with knowing how I'm distinct from other friends who also love Canadian indie music and nerdy internet/computer things and art etc. A lot of what I like has to do with other people. I like to bake because I like when people really love my baking and praise me for it. Lame! Where did the self-assured, confident, strong, in-touch-with-who-I-am Jess go from High School? I'm like a giant blob of insecurity now.

Thankfully my counselor gave me a couple exercises to work through to help solidify in my mind "who I am". I realized that it's kind of a process of me understanding how i'm being inwardly renewed day by day. I know that there are parts of Jess from since I was born that are good and will stay a part of me and there are parts that I picked up in my university days that are also good, some that are not so good and need to be discarded. Some things need to be polished and others need to be gutted. This is what's happening to me right now and it can be kind of confusing inside haha. I feel like I'm 15 all over again! Thankfully, though, I'm a little less boy crazy this time around.

But in all, I realize this "identity crisis" that's going on is really important. It feels good to see the fruit of this time being sick. Before I didn't know why this was happening but now I see what it was that needed to change in my life and how I needed to be built up before I get on campus. I was talking to a friend about this and she kind of got all excited because she saw that God was rooting out of me my identity associations with ministry so that I can do it in a healthy manner when I actually get to campus. It's true.

I'm glad.

(side note: I titled this post after I wrote it & found out that my pet name "quarter-life crisis" is a reality for many people my age. Well, according to Wikipedia)

post script

Some of you have been responding to my last post by email & text message offering words of encouragement etc. I really appreciate that.

Tonight I had a really good conversation with another staff member that was so encouraging, so enlightening. He shared some of the difficult things he found with the two times he did MPD, which was so true of my experience as well. I can't explain to you how important it is to hear about other people's experiences. It qualifies your own and shows you that you're not alone. Somehow knowing that other people have experienced things like mine makes it not as bad.

He also pointed out one of my big sins: fear of man. This is huge. Being able to put my finger on it, and address this is so key for me in being able to put my sin to death. He gave me practical advice on HOW to put it to death and encouragement that it's possible to kill it.

I realized, again, how greatly lies affect me. I uncovered a big big big (embarassing to think I believed it) lie that has been plaguing me about stepping down from women's ministry. I wont go into it right now .... it's pretty absurd, but it's also related to my fear of man. Basically, I realized that satan had convinced me that I was experiencing something that was actually imposisble -- that I was shamed in the act of stepping down from women's min .... when in reality a) that's not possible and b) so many people told me that they didn't htink differently about me after i did it. This is kind of a breakthrough moment for me in that I've been really trying to comprehend how satan can convince us SO thorroughly of things that are not true, that hold no water. For example, that we're slaves to sin, when really Christ has freed us from that bondage. Yet we behave as if we are not free. This has been a huge thing to wrestle through in my mind the last 2 months.

I think finally I have come into an understanding of this issue through experiencing it. God has taken of my blinders to the ways in which satan had been entangling me, which is actually an answer to a prayer i had prayed earlier today in one of my training sessions.

yet loved, accepted & adopted

"...but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time." -Tim Keller

Considering what I wrote yesterday, God's grace is even more impossible to understand. In fact, it seems easier to reject - in some twisted way - because we are so hard-wired to want to work for things. I guess that's the pride our parent's instilled in us.

Keller goes on to write,

This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin.

It's so true. But one aspect that I'm now really struggling to work with is the implication of grace on my work ethic. If I don't have to earn favour my instinct is to become lazy. University taught me to do as little as possible to get by so I can do other things.

This also creates a radical new dynamic for discipline and obedience. First, the knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit we are flawed because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Second, it makes the law of God a thing of beauty instead of a burden. We can use it to delight and imitate the one who has saved us rather than to get his attention or procure his favor. We now run the race “for the joy that is set before us” rather than “for the fear that comes behind us.

Something I need to think about a lot. May this sink into the depths of my heart!

(The quotations come from Keller's study Galatians: Living in Line with the Truth of the Gospel)

I concede

This morning I realized a lot of things about the last few months. As I previously blogged about last week, things seem to be finally changing for me. After a phone call from an older, wiser, MDiv toting fellow staff member last night I feel a lot different about my MPD.

I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.

I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.

I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.

Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.

This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.

I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.

It feels sooo good.

this is why I like craigslist missed connections

cause people write stuff like this:

You served me tea and wine and you left me speechless, so I didn't have much to say. But now that I'm home and the spell is slowly starting to wear off, I can take the time to thank you for burning an image in my head of the smile you gave me when we said goodbye. 

You define beauty.

bitter

proceeding from or exhibiting great hostility or animosity.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this here before but this summer I've been slowly trying to work through my issues that have developed over my feelings and attitudes towards social justice and the concept of "development." I don't even know how to really explain it, but while I was doing my degree I just got really frustrated, bitter and cynical about it all. It's hard to believe that I'm the same hopeful person that went into the program. Well, I guess I'm not really the same person. 

It's not that I don't have hope, either. I have lots of hope. Jesus brings so much hope. However, I have to admit that I do have this desperate belief that there is absolutely no hope except for Him. I never used to think this way, and even though I'm sure it's probably the right perspective, it's still kind of depressing to have lost all hope in a humanity that rejects Christ. I know non-Christians do good things and are "good people". But ultimately, when you come face to face with the darkness of the human heart, you too would come to the same conclusion that I have. 

But here's my problem: I've kind of pushed away all these solutions to effect change -- I've pushed away everything but evangelism, discipleship and the local church. I know that there's something wrong with my attitude about it because I don't know what my opinion is on a lot of the issues. I know there's something wrong because I've pushed it away and opted to not deal with it. I know there's something wrong because because I really can't put my finger on what exactly the Bible has to say about all of these things. 

I know God loves social justice and it's close to His heart. That is very clear to me. It's the whole reason why I got into development in the first place. I've grown up around redemption and rehabilitation and second chances and hope. But there's something about the trendiness of social justice right now -- the connection between the emergent church and replacing the gospel with "jesus came only as an example and this is the good news" that really really gets my guard up. 

The reason I'm bringing this all up is because my calling to C4C staff is directly related to these issues and my confusion over everything is evident (at least to me) every time I do my presentation with someone. It's evident in how I explain myself; I have a hard time because I don't really know my own opinions on it. I don't really know my own place in it all. Why did I take this degree and am now in C4C? 

On my drive back home from Toronto I listened to a couple sermons by Tim Keller that also reminded me of this. One was on Justice. It was good. I agreed. It made me excited, even. 

Hmm, I'm sure this post is pretty confusing too. I haven't really explained myself because I'm still working through it all. I don't know if this is all because of my anti-conformist tendencies or simply because I was exposed to a pretty disturbing combination of desperation and cynicism in my program. 

Like I said before, I have been actively working through this. But after this last appointment, I think I'm going to take it more seriously because my uncertainty has been haunting me, taunting me. 

...

1. Being feminine and the things we wear that define us from the opposite sex & how it's easy for me to opt out of femininity out of concern (read: paranoia/guilt) for being too flashy/bad steward of money
   
2. My weeks start really good, really positive, and then often end really poorly in discouragement
   
3. I've been getting frustrated really easily and then feel flares of anger inside, kind of like a volcano bubbling up. Good thing I'm alone a lot.
   
4. people say that with the internet etc. there is significantly less engagement in civil society, which I'm sure is true, but I have to admit that I had lots of fun microblogging the debate with a bunch of other people. 
5. I really like Pepsi & the Fringe
6. I've always been very strong in my voting opinions. I don't often talk about who I vote for during elections cause my choice is highly unpopular amongst Christians. Today, for a moment, I considered perhaps voting for someone different. Not because my political convictions have changed. In my riding voting for who I do is considered a "throw away vote" and there are those that I do not want to be voted in. I usually don't vote strategically like that, I just stick to my guns and that way I can have a conscience. We'll see what goes down in a week. 

"loans that change lives"

I'm not sure how much the average person knows about microcredit opportunities in the developing world, but maybe by the end of this post you'll know a bit more. This morning I got an email from a friend & supporter who gave me a gift certificate to Kiva. I had never heard about it before, but it turns out it's one of the cooles things I've heard of in awhile.

Microcredit is an opportunity for people in developing countries to get loans to start small businesses that will give them a basic income. Usually it's a big organization, bank, or corporation that is involved in loaning the money. Kiva does things differently. Through this website, the average person can give $25, $50, or however much they want to which ever project they wish. The reason I like this so much is because someone like me who probably will never make a boatload of money can still make a difference. If all of the people who regularly read this site gave $25 it could change the course of a couple people's lives. It's also less risky for the person giving the loan because it's not a big deal for me to lend $25 and not get it back. Kiva claims that 97% of people pay back their loans. When you get your $25 back, you can give it to someone else. It's also cool because it basically removes the middle-man. Your money goes almost directly to the individual.

I think another reason why I really like it is that it isn't a hand out. We talked a lot about how "progress" is so much more likely in a developing area if the people take ownership of whatever they're doing, rather than it just being given to them. It's like me raising my support. If Power to Change just paid me, it would be easier for me to quit during difficult times. But as I'm raising my support and pushing through difficult times (like now), I know that getting on campus will be something I've worked hard for and will appreciate more, just like I'll appreciate my supporters more.

I also have been thinking a lot about what is a Biblical perspective on compassion ministries. I've been taught a lot of stuff in my degree but I want to know if any of it aligns with God's heart on the topic. In the book of Ruth we see that through the Law God gave provision to take care of the impoverished during the harvest. Boaz tells his workers to leave some grain un-gleaned (that can't be a word) in order to let those who are poor to have something to eat, as the Law declared. Ruth had to work for her sustenance, like anyone else -- but Boaz made that possible by not taking it all for himself. This is kind of what micro-credit is. I don't spend all my own money, i lend it to someone who can make something of it and make a life for themselves and they pay me back & I can give it somewhere else.

Now...... all we need is Power to Change/Gain to start a similar peer-to-peer microcredit agency that incorporates opportunities to share Christ with these new business owners, and we're golden!

hmm

Yesterday, I realized that I had not prayed with another individual since staff conference (6 weeks ago) and haven't prayed with someone about personal items since April. It also occurred to me that I haven't studied the Bible with someone since the beginning of April. It's about time for some fellowship. Now the task is to find some!

Bucket List

Tonight my dad and I watched The Bucket List. It was a sweet story of two men coming to the end of their lives and deciding to live it up a bit before they die. It was funny, it was tear-jerking, and it made me think of my own life. Sure, I'm only 22 and I have a few years left in me (Lord willing), but I still couldn't help but think about my future.

If I've learned anything in the last few years about how to live life right, it's that I should plan for the future, to live intentionally. My parents taught me that I should be investing in RRSPs as soon as I'm done school. C4C taught me to be intentional in my relationships with others, making sure to consider the spiritual lives of those around me of huge importance. In High School I heard this motivational speaker tell us that the people who make lists while they were young were like 80% more likely to live successful lives, according to the lists they wrote while they were young.

I was skeptical, as a good teenage cynic would be. I wrote the list anyway. It was my secret, written on the walls of my heart. As a 16 year old there were 3 things that were so important to me they made it on my list:

1. Become bilingual (English & French) by the time I was 25.
2. Write a novel.
3. Travel the world.

So far, it's looking pretty promising. I have 3 more years to become fully bilingual and I plan to make it official through the documentation necessary. I'll be pretty upset with myself if I don't do it seeing as I made the goal when I was 16 and I had 9 years to finish it. I wrote a 189 page book in one month when I was 18 (if you've ever wanted to write, you should seriously try this. It's so rewarding..... you'll want quit half the time, so you'll need some pretty good motivation to continue. Seriously fun, though!), and I've travelled a bit of the world.

When it comes to planning ahead, at 16 I think I got a bit of a head start. Soon I will have the ability to save my money and put it towards the things that matter to me. This summer I've been thinking about what it is that matters enough that I should save in the short term for. So tonight when I was watching Edward & Carter go out with a bang I thought I should bring out my list and add to it. I'm not really sure what exactly I'm going to add -- I just have a few ideas:

1. Become bilingual (English & French) by the time I was 25.
2. Write a novel.
3. Travel the world: South Africa, India, Morocco, Egypt, Iran, Greece, Israel, France, Switzerland, Czech Republic, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia, Fiji, Haiti, Brazil, Ecuador, Mexico.
   
4. Skydive.
   

I will add more as I think of it, but right now I'm going to start saving.

I just read Tim Challies' post where he explains his answer to his kids when they asked him who he loved more, them or their mother (& his wife). This was his answer:

"'Daddy, who do you love more, Mommy or us?' I thought for just a moment and told them the truth. They cried.

The fact is, I love their mother more than I love them and I told them as much. I did so gently and lovingly but with confidence that I am right to feel this way. I love my children desperately.... There are undoubtedly different kinds of love and we cannot necessary equate the passionate, romantic love I have for my wife with the parental love I have for my children. Where I never chose to love my children, I did choose to love Aileen, or I did as much as anyone can exercise his will in such matters of the heart. There came a time when I set my heart on her and committed myself to loving her for better or for worse."

What he said really made me think about my own life (not my singlness, although it did make me think about that, too). It occurred to me how upset I was when my mom made it clear to me and my brother that we were a side-note to her life with her new husband. This was pretty difficult for me and made me pretty angry. I'm not saying it is wrong, but it just goes to show how awful divorce is in so many different ways. I guess that may also be the root of the archetypal image of the evil step-parent. As children, we think the the step-parent is evil because they are coming between the natural bond between a parent & a child that preceeded the love between the parent & step-parent (but not preceeding the love of the original parents).

Anyways, these are just reflections on growing into adulthood, or something.

moving up in the world

I'm at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa right now waiting for Wicked to start. It occurred to me when I almost spread my arms & legs after the lady took my ticket thyat it's been a long time since I've been to an entertainment event that does not require me to be frisked on entering. It feels funny. I think I prefer the loud, spirited crowds & lingering scent of pot smoke the accompanies a good concert. But that's just me!

get lost

I'm really not enjoying being here at home. I think I've communicated that before. I've been home from Staff Conference only two days and already I'm hating it. I was trying to figure out what it is about this place that I can't stand. I realized that the lack of motivation that I've been feeling this summer is not restricted to MPD -- I felt it while I was in school, too. But when I was in Kingston I could easily change scenery or atmosphere and that was all I needed. I'd go to the Library or M-C or the Goat or whatever. Here I don't really feel like I can do that. When I walk down the street people gawk at me because I don't look like I fit in, there is no coffee shop that has wireless where I can do work.

A few months ago while I was still in Kingston I asked my friend where she wanted to move. She said Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver -- somewhere that has a population of over a million. When I asked why she replied, "I  really like the feeling of disappearing in a sea of people." 

When she said that I kind of thought she had some sort of complex, some sort of social disfunction or self-image problem that she didn't value herself and wanted to disappear. But now i understand what she meant. I realize that I miss the anonymity of Kingston, even if Kingston isn't by any means comparable in size to Montreal. 

And so, because I feel like when I walk down the street people are staring, because I feel like there is no where to go, because I listen to these ridiculous doubts or discomforts in my head I've pretty much become a shut-in, a recluse. 

I just want to be lost in a sea of people, in the healthiest way possible!

grampy

If a stranger walked into my granny & grampy's condo and looked at every painting, every wall-hanging, every book on each shelf and every photo in each frame, 4 things would be very clear about my grandfather:

He loved the ocean and he loved to be on boats in the ocean. Growing up on the west coast and in his late teens becoming a sailor, he has always had a passion for the sea. Even his testimony is related to sailing. During his younger years, after being raised in a religious home, he found himself loving the bottle far too much and searching for meaning in his life. His mother, noticing his sudden desire for something more, handed him a Bible and told him to read John. The rest is history. Grampy specifically liked tugboats, although his 20 pictures & paintings on the walls include more kinds of boats than simply tugboats. Tugboats/sailing for grampy is what pink is for me. His email address is related to boats, his password too! He has a subscription to Mariner magazine and spent many a year at sea in some way. I was telling granny that it's neat that Grampy was so passionate about something that it is so clearly connected to him -- anyone who knows him will be reminded of him whenever they see a tugboat or something.

The second thing they would notice is that he has lots of family/children/grandkids and he loved them all dearly. The only thing that outdoes the number of boat-related pictures is the number of grandchild-paraphanalia everywhere. There are pictures of us from babies to current photos, there are hockey pictures and football pictures, school pictures and grad photos. It was always very clear that Grampy loved us dearly, each and every one. I don't think anyone ever felt that he loved any one of us more or less, even though he's not my mom & aunt's biological father. Grampy loved much because he had been forgiven much.

The third thing people would be able to tell is that granny & him had a really full life together. They traveled all over the world from Hawaii to the Medeterrainian and Alaska - they've made many wonderful memories together. Sadly, they had to cancel a cruise when grampy got sick but they cannot say they didn't get to live life to the full before his sickness.

Last but not least in any way is the evidence of Grampy's deep relationship with God. Everywhere I turned (and I'm not exaggerating) is a Bible. There is a Bible in every room of this place, and in the guest room there are 10 bibles on the shelf. Not that spirituality is measured by how many Bibles one owns, but it was just such a testament to his life. At his memorial service 350 people attended and so many people shared stories of how Grampy was the reason they were a Christian. Granny said that she had no idea how many Bibles he had purchased over the years--at any spark of interest in the Lord grampy was in the store buying a Bible for them. Most people had no clue that he had affected so many people because he was such a quiet, private person. I'm looking forward to reading the tribute book my granny is putting together. She found that so many lives were changed by him that she wanted as many stories about him as possible so that everyone could read about it. I'm so thrilled that she wants me to take as many books off his bookshelf as I want. I've been through it and I've taken 20 so far. Jerry Bridges, John MacArthur, Watchman Nee & tons more.

Surrounded by these pictures of him with us grandkids is so like him. He was so lively, so animated. He was always joking around, pulling pranks on people. It's such a shock to think that he wont be walking back in that door with granny on the way back from the grocery store. It's easy to forget that he wont be telling me his latest joke. I really have no clue what heaven is like -- I know that there are no tears there. If we continue our personalities on with our spirit to heaven, then I'm sure grampy is cracking jokes with the saints.