things not to do in MPD

stand up a supporter. (especially when you're supposed to go to their place for dinner).
When you book an appointment with someone, make sure that if you cannot any longer attend that you ACTUALLY cancel the appointment instead of thinking you've canceled it. Coming home to a message on your answering machine that states "We made an appointment with you last week and I've made dinner and I'm wondering where you are" is KIND OF TOTALLY BAD. And then having to call and redeem yourself is also totally awkward and difficult. Thank goodness for fridges and they can be eating lots of leftovers??? ok i'm totally trying to make myself feel better here.

So when I called to apologize, the wife said in this sweet voice, "Oh well there is only one person who was perfect and they crucified him."

That's either totally gracious or a hidden threat haha.

I choose to ooze with enthuuuusiasm

Yesterday was reminiscent of when I was sick. Things seemed less bright and hopeful. Today when I woke up one of my first thoughts was, "Ugh. Kathy calls at 12:30. I should make some calls before she calls me. Ugh. I hate calling. When will this be over?!"

I got up out of bed with this bad attitude in my heart. I didn't like how it felt. I thought I had grown out of that in the last couple weeks. It was like pants that fit too tight and give you a muffin top... so unfortunate. I was quickly reminded of prayer. "Lord, I don't want to have this attitude. Help me to see this as an opportunity. Help me rejoice in the calls that I have to make today and help me to make the choice to be happy about my circumstances."

Immediately, I felt hopeful and almost excited to make the scary calls this morning. I used to enjoy clinging to my bad attitudes and hard heart. I think this might be changing. Maybe that's partly what this epicly long MPD business is all about: beating my bad attitudes out of me by forcing me to face them day after day after day after day after day until I don't like them anymore and want to put them to DEATH.

And maybe, just maybe, it's finally working.

1-2-3-4-5-6 switch

I haven't been bored in over 2 months. "That's good!" you're thinking. No, actually, not really. I haven't been bored because I haven't wanted to do anything. If I've accomplished anything it's because I've forced myself to or someone else has forced me to do it.

But today, I was bored. I didn't have a lot of calling to do. I've been tearing through Min Prep books. I got bored. I was tired, had a nap, made cookies. I'm about to do some more calling but seriously? BOREDOM. There's only so much reading a person can do in the day. I finally feel motivated to do things, and have nothing to do. Seriously. Earlier I was going to avoid calling, but now I'm so bored I'm actually going to call. CALLING OUT OF BOREDOM IS A BAD SIGN. haha i'm going to go crazy before I reach Montreal I fear. Craziness from the country/small town. Mark my words.

Ok I'm going to go call. Then runnnnnn on the treadmill. run run run my boredom away. Maybe this will work out in my favour after all.

'f'-ing like crazy

I'm back at it. Getting into the swing of things again. I don't think I will ever really enjoy MPD, I have to admit. But I'm starting to see my insecurities and weaknesses in it and I know it will make me a way better person. In the past few weeks I have seriously questioned whether I'm cut out for it or not and I concluded that I am not. I can do a lot of things but this I can't.

So I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I fake things. A lot. I don't mean I lie or plagiarize, I just mean that I fake confidence when inside I'm freaking out. I make it look like on the outside I have confidence but really inside I'm repeating "Help me Jesus! Help me Jesus!" Tonight when I try and make phone calls I will be trying to fake even to myself that I can do this, that I'm capable (or at least that Christ in me is).

I can tell you that it's good practice, cause when I get to campus I'm going to be faking it allllllll the time cause I feel neither confident nor qualified like I did before.

Thats me, fake-y-fakerrr

again i say rejoice

A few times in the last month I have looked at my life and thought, "Lord, where is your mercy?" I have seen how MPD has dragged on insufferably and most days seem like a struggle to accomplish anything worthwhile. Each time I have thought these things I have felt my heart harden a bit.

Like last fall when I was struck by McCain's concession speech, today God stirred my heart to conviction. All of a sudden I felt convicted of a heart attitude of pride. Who was I that I felt I deserved God's mercy? What brought me to feel like He owed it to me that this season of perseverance would end?

I felt both my heart and my spirit soften today as I acknowledged God's headship in my life and chose to willingly submit to His will for me recognizing that every gift from God is good and should be received with thanksgiving.

changes

For awhile this past month I've been secretly horrified with myself, quietly confused with what's been happening in my heart and my head. It started one not so great day at Winter Conference when I was in an elevator with some french students. As they were talking, I realized I reallllly couldn't decipher much of what they were saying. In that moment it occurred to me that I didn't want to go serve on a french campus. In fact, in that moment I didn't want to be on campus at all.

These sentiments continued for most of the month. Not because I suddenly disliked campus ministry or the french language. It was, I think, mostly out of a fear of what felt like the impossible. How did I ever think I had what it takes to spend most of my time speaking French? (especially after it's been approximately 2 years since I've taken a french course).

But, as the end of the month approaches and with it comes the very likely prospect of MPD again, and as I considered the possibility of going to Colorado this summer for IBS I became excited. Excited!

And with that excitement came (get this!) a desire to get this MPD thing over with.

I'm getting antsy.

this is a very good sign.

i wont quit, but the tiredness in me wants to

Some of you know that last week I met with a counselor to discuss her opinion on whether I was actually depressed or not. Through a tearful one hour meeting she confirmed my suspicions and uprooted some more lies I had been believing. It was a relief to have my experience labeled as something people more or less understood and are aware of the need to get better.

On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.

Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.

In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.

The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.

post script

Some of you have been responding to my last post by email & text message offering words of encouragement etc. I really appreciate that.

Tonight I had a really good conversation with another staff member that was so encouraging, so enlightening. He shared some of the difficult things he found with the two times he did MPD, which was so true of my experience as well. I can't explain to you how important it is to hear about other people's experiences. It qualifies your own and shows you that you're not alone. Somehow knowing that other people have experienced things like mine makes it not as bad.

He also pointed out one of my big sins: fear of man. This is huge. Being able to put my finger on it, and address this is so key for me in being able to put my sin to death. He gave me practical advice on HOW to put it to death and encouragement that it's possible to kill it.

I realized, again, how greatly lies affect me. I uncovered a big big big (embarassing to think I believed it) lie that has been plaguing me about stepping down from women's ministry. I wont go into it right now .... it's pretty absurd, but it's also related to my fear of man. Basically, I realized that satan had convinced me that I was experiencing something that was actually imposisble -- that I was shamed in the act of stepping down from women's min .... when in reality a) that's not possible and b) so many people told me that they didn't htink differently about me after i did it. This is kind of a breakthrough moment for me in that I've been really trying to comprehend how satan can convince us SO thorroughly of things that are not true, that hold no water. For example, that we're slaves to sin, when really Christ has freed us from that bondage. Yet we behave as if we are not free. This has been a huge thing to wrestle through in my mind the last 2 months.

I think finally I have come into an understanding of this issue through experiencing it. God has taken of my blinders to the ways in which satan had been entangling me, which is actually an answer to a prayer i had prayed earlier today in one of my training sessions.

a good day.

I like feeling like I've actually made a decent go at things. I like to feel like I have accomplished something.

I think that's why I actually miss staying up really late, pumping myself full of caffeine, and writing an essay in a 5 hour go. Srsly.

wicked, vile, base, corrupt, monstrous, reprehensible, iniquitous

"we are more wicked than we ever dared believe..." Tim Keller

The truth of this statement has become a reality for me these past few months. I had heard this statement last from a friend and I knew its truth then. But now, it has become even more real to me. It has become so clear as I have had a better view of my own depravity. Most of us, when we hear this statement, agree with it intellectually knowing that we are all sinners according to Romans.

But before MPD I don't think I really truly had come to terms with my OWN depravity. I knew that other people were murderers and rapists and global conspirators and by definition my sin was equal to theirs. That made me really bad. But I don't think I really felt the weight of my deeds. It was more guilt by association. We all sinned in Adam, therefore I am a sinner.

However, now I know my depravity. I wrestle with it daily, hourly, on a moment-by-moment basis. I usually lose, to be quite honest. It has been the most humiliating, awful experience as I come to see my soul in a way I never thought possible.

Before MPD, this statement was more like a public service announcement to me. Like "FYI, you suck even though you don't really think you do." But it has moved from being a television PSA to something I have experienced. I know understand Romans 7 in a way I hoped I never would.

I now know the hard truth about my ongoing war against my flesh, and yet it's worse than I can even comprehend.

Oh, how pround I have been in ways I did not know.

I concede

This morning I realized a lot of things about the last few months. As I previously blogged about last week, things seem to be finally changing for me. After a phone call from an older, wiser, MDiv toting fellow staff member last night I feel a lot different about my MPD.

I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.

I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.

I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.

Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.

This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.

I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.

It feels sooo good.

Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

This morning I finally woke up from a 2 and a half month sleep. 

I have been so lethargic, so lazy, so selfish, so unresponsive. I have not been myself, which is in some ways understandable because I'm not used to living here with my friends far away. But I think the most upsetting is that I haven't been excited to go to Montreal and be on campus. I haven't been AS passionate as I usually am. When I do my presentation, I'm always very animated and it's very evident that I care deeply about this -- I've been told that many times by people I meet with. Some have even changed their minds about supporting me because they see how much I care. 

But I haven't cared as much as usual. Last year, going to Montreal and "reaching" quebec was all I could think about. I'd think about it in class, during my QTs, in church, as I was walking to campus, when I was supposed to be writing my papers - or I would try and make a paper missions or something which never actually worked. It was seriously all I could think about. 

Lately, all I can think about is of selfish motivation. Aside from the few times I've fasted because my support coach highly recommended it, I've really not done any dying to self. This summer I've come into an understanding of the harsh truth of who Jessica really is apart from Christ. My pride has been crushed and I was not doing a good job of putting on my new self, and remembering that I'm clothed in Christ's righteousness. Yesterday, after a concerning dream I realized that I have not been fighting the good fight. In fact, I've really just kind of slunk off into the sidelines and been wondering why the heck my team isn't gaining ground. 

Since when have I been so passive? Since when have I not stuck my heels in the ground, set my jaw and gone for what was in front of me? Well.... I guess I have done that. But what was in front of me was not really the end goal, it was some distraction like Jon & Kate + 8 or Digg or something. 

When I woke up this morning, after another weird dream, things were somehow different. My false-hopelessness was gone, my dry heart felt inspired, the cloud of whatever-it-was had lifted. 

It's business time! (just not this kind!)

awkward MPD moments

So I just called a supporter, hoping to ask them if they would be willing to coordinate a group MPD appointment by inviting people from her church that she thinks would be interested as well as setting up the event etc. Unfortunately she was not there so I left a message. For those of you who have experienced a voicemail message from me will know that I suck at them. This one was not long-winded, but just.... awkward:

"Hi Esther, this is JW and I'm calling with a favour or proposition to ask of you...." I pause and think of the meaning of 'to proposition someone' and then laugh and correct myself, "Er.. not a proposition, that's awkward. Anyways, ___ is my number and I'll try again another time." As I hung up the phone I was beet red. I looked up the meaning of "proposition" to find that it does have multiple meanings; my instincts were right and in correcting myself I had made a bigger fool of myself than had I just left it. Awesome. I knew I should have stuck to the script. 

Isaiah was kind of smart

Several months ago I had a conversation with Lydia in which she told me that unless I was sure I was "called" to join staff with C4C, I wouldn't make it through MPD.

She was right. 

Today I was perusing Facebook and found out that one of my floor-mates from residence in first year is now attending Yale for grad school. This added to the pang of jealousy I felt when I found out two of my classmates are now at Oxford for grad school. Yale! Oxford! 

Being so tired of MPD, it's easy to wish that I had spent less time at C4C during my undergrad and more time on my studies; it's easy to wish that I had made the time to actually have a decent average, not an embarrassingly poor one; it's easy to wish I had gone on to something prestigious and intellectual, too. 

If I didn't know that I was meant to go to Montreal, I'd probably be seriously thinking about giving up right now.... and I haven't even been doing MPD for all that long. It's pretty embarrassing (and sad) that my heart is so quick to want to jump ship. 

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you. 

Isaiah 26:3

"loans that change lives"

I'm not sure how much the average person knows about microcredit opportunities in the developing world, but maybe by the end of this post you'll know a bit more. This morning I got an email from a friend & supporter who gave me a gift certificate to Kiva. I had never heard about it before, but it turns out it's one of the cooles things I've heard of in awhile.

Microcredit is an opportunity for people in developing countries to get loans to start small businesses that will give them a basic income. Usually it's a big organization, bank, or corporation that is involved in loaning the money. Kiva does things differently. Through this website, the average person can give $25, $50, or however much they want to which ever project they wish. The reason I like this so much is because someone like me who probably will never make a boatload of money can still make a difference. If all of the people who regularly read this site gave $25 it could change the course of a couple people's lives. It's also less risky for the person giving the loan because it's not a big deal for me to lend $25 and not get it back. Kiva claims that 97% of people pay back their loans. When you get your $25 back, you can give it to someone else. It's also cool because it basically removes the middle-man. Your money goes almost directly to the individual.

I think another reason why I really like it is that it isn't a hand out. We talked a lot about how "progress" is so much more likely in a developing area if the people take ownership of whatever they're doing, rather than it just being given to them. It's like me raising my support. If Power to Change just paid me, it would be easier for me to quit during difficult times. But as I'm raising my support and pushing through difficult times (like now), I know that getting on campus will be something I've worked hard for and will appreciate more, just like I'll appreciate my supporters more.

I also have been thinking a lot about what is a Biblical perspective on compassion ministries. I've been taught a lot of stuff in my degree but I want to know if any of it aligns with God's heart on the topic. In the book of Ruth we see that through the Law God gave provision to take care of the impoverished during the harvest. Boaz tells his workers to leave some grain un-gleaned (that can't be a word) in order to let those who are poor to have something to eat, as the Law declared. Ruth had to work for her sustenance, like anyone else -- but Boaz made that possible by not taking it all for himself. This is kind of what micro-credit is. I don't spend all my own money, i lend it to someone who can make something of it and make a life for themselves and they pay me back & I can give it somewhere else.

Now...... all we need is Power to Change/Gain to start a similar peer-to-peer microcredit agency that incorporates opportunities to share Christ with these new business owners, and we're golden!

attitude check (PTL!)

These last two weeks have done wonders for my MPD attitude. You may not recognize this from what you've read in the last little while. Sure, I've had my moments where I've txted people and vented about how I hate MPD. Mostly, I just dislike calling people because I have tended to dwell on vain thoughts.

Aside from that, I'm feeling the most hopeful, the most optimistic, the most motivated I've felt in months. I think my support coach notices it the most. It's hard to explain because it isn't even just a mental/intellectual change, it's a holistic change. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel different. 

It's kind of crazy to think how differently I look at things now. Two weeks ago I looked at the 56% left I had to raise and felt like it was impossible. Now, I look at the 56% and realize that it's only slightly more than I've already raised. 

All around I feel way more confident and assured and ready to hit the road and as they say here in the Ottawa Valley, "git 'er dun". 

2 Cor 5:18-19

With MPD comes lots of expectations. I expected to be nervous about MPD. I expected to have a hard time calling people, to be excited by the process and in seeing God provide. I expected to dislike being in Renfrew. So far, my expectations have not gone unmet. One thing I did not expect to be so closely connected to my MPD is reconciliation. I've had a few appointments where these people have challenged me to reconcile with their children, people I grew up with. 

Last week, one parent said to me, "I have a challenge for you," he said. "I challenge you to call up [my daughter] and meet with her and talk about what happened with your relationship. I want you guys to figure out what went wrong." 

I was pretty stunned by this, I wasn't expecting it. I knew my relationship with their daughter had gone to the dogs, and I knew that I had let them down in some ways by giving up on that friendship. It was a pleasant surprise, after I got over the shock of it. 

It occurred to me on the drive home that I likely would never have gotten in touch with her and made that relationship better had they not specifically challenged me to. Perhaps, later on in life God would put it on my heart and I would have reconciled. It seems that there's something I have to learn from this. I brush off suggestions as "good ideas" or "things I should do in the general future", but if it's framed as a challenge I see it worthy of accomplishing even if simply to keep up appearances. I take a challenge seriously and I like rising to one. I felt more inclined to get in touch with this old friend than to book MPD appointments this week. Perhaps I should frame my MPD more in terms of various challenges I need to reach?

And yes, I did get in touch with her. We're meeting on Saturday for lunch. I hope it goes well and we can figure things out. I'm glad her dad made me do this. It's scary, but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

providence

After what was a not so great week (to say the least) I'm back to 'normal' again. I think. So that's good, although it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll have tons of appointments this week. A lot of people I need to meet with are on vacation still. But I did have a neat story from this past week.

As you may or may not know, the latter part of the phrase "working hard, or hardly working" applied to me this past week. When I went to church today a woman I had never met before (but recognized) came up to me and said she'd like a partnership form. I asked her what she had in mind for giving -- mostly because I didn't know if she was interested in a one-time gift or regular giving. She replied, "Well, I was thinking $50-$100 a month."

I think my eyes popped out of my head like they do in cartoons. She later explained that she had been moving money into another account and didn't really know why until she heard about my ministry. That's cool. And so undeserved!

get lost

I'm really not enjoying being here at home. I think I've communicated that before. I've been home from Staff Conference only two days and already I'm hating it. I was trying to figure out what it is about this place that I can't stand. I realized that the lack of motivation that I've been feeling this summer is not restricted to MPD -- I felt it while I was in school, too. But when I was in Kingston I could easily change scenery or atmosphere and that was all I needed. I'd go to the Library or M-C or the Goat or whatever. Here I don't really feel like I can do that. When I walk down the street people gawk at me because I don't look like I fit in, there is no coffee shop that has wireless where I can do work.

A few months ago while I was still in Kingston I asked my friend where she wanted to move. She said Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver -- somewhere that has a population of over a million. When I asked why she replied, "I  really like the feeling of disappearing in a sea of people." 

When she said that I kind of thought she had some sort of complex, some sort of social disfunction or self-image problem that she didn't value herself and wanted to disappear. But now i understand what she meant. I realize that I miss the anonymity of Kingston, even if Kingston isn't by any means comparable in size to Montreal. 

And so, because I feel like when I walk down the street people are staring, because I feel like there is no where to go, because I listen to these ridiculous doubts or discomforts in my head I've pretty much become a shut-in, a recluse. 

I just want to be lost in a sea of people, in the healthiest way possible!

math

So I was quite encouraged at staff conference about my MPD. I had a couple people tell me that being at 40% was pretty great -- even Lydia & Silas (apparently, so I heard) were at about 30% by Staff conference & they made it to campus by Oct/Nov. I did some math & figured out what I had to accomplish if I wanted all my pledges to be in by October 15. I just picked the 15th cause it's a nice middle number. So I did some math and found out that I need to raise double my weekly goal (set by MPD coaches) in order to make it on campus by then. DOUBLE. I guess that means i need to do double the work I've been doing which roughly works out to 10 appointments a week.... which is, consequently, what I was supposed to be doing anyways. I'm encouraged by that!