the elephant in the room

If you could see me right now I think you would laugh as your heart went out to me in some sort of amused pity. I'm sitting here in my PJs, still in bed eating Cadbury Mini Eggs (for breakfast) reading article on article about singleness.

I'm not sad. Really, I promise. But I would like to discuss the elephant in the room. I've been thinking about this on and off the last couple weeks/months. I haven't been very honest about it ever before because I think there is a lot of embarrassment attached to it because I don't want to feel this way. I guess I'll explain how this started. Last night I watched a really informative interview (it starts around 26:00) about men mostly because I had too much Pepsi before I went to bed and couldn't sleep so I figured I'd do something semi-productive. Then I woke up this morning wondering why I felt that pang of loneliness in my heart. Oh right. It's because I watched this video on essentially how to be a good wife and I definitely do not have a husband right now.

So then I went to Boundless (even though sometimes I hate that website) to find something that would encourage me or rebuke me or something. I found this article that did rebuke me but also pointed out that I'm totally not crazy.

You see, in the last few weeks a few of my friends have started relationships. This is REALLY WONDERFUL. I'm very pleased for them! But let's be honest, it's not exactly easy to all of a sudden be hearing all this information about how wonderful the man is in their life. Because they're my friends and I love them and I truly want to know what's going on in their life, I ask them about the relationship. How is it going? What are you learning? Etc. I totally want to journey with them on this thing. But then the other part of me is seriously like "if I hear another comment about how wonderful their life is now that they're not single I might go crazy". I don't want to feel this way. Like the author of the article said and I'm embarrassed to admit it's true about me (but I'll say it for the sake of everyone else who has thought the same thing at one point or another), "God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible."

But it is; it's commanded.

This whole scenario reminds me of a situation that happened in my house a few years ago. I had a housemate who was in a relationship and she talked about it a lot - like most girls do. One day another single housemate kind of blew up and said something to the effect of, "Please don't talk about him anymore to me. I can't handle it." The friend who was in the relationship was really hurt and confused. The single girl later went back to her and repented for what she said and admitted that she did want to be a part of Relationship Girl's life, it was just really hard for Single Girl. I think this is a common dillema. If a single girl is truly ok with you talking about your boyfriend/husband all the time, it's because God has brought her into a season of real contentment, or she's lying to you. I've pretty much done it. The lying part. I think it was more out of a desire to want to be ok with my singleness when I wasn't really as ok as I had thought. On the other hand, I've also been through those seasons where I was totally so OK with being single because I was so excited about what God had for me in the present.

In my article jumping this morning I found another one called "Seven Myths Single Women Believe" and it's SO TRUE. I'll list them here so you can be lazy:

1. God will give me a husband when I'm ready
2. God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child
3. When it's the right guy, I'll just know
4. When I get married, then my life will begin
5. Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs
6. There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest
7. The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone.
   

In my life thus far I have believed every one of these myths at one point or another. For the longest time I believed 1-4. Mostly #4.

But when I got over #4 I started believing #2 again. Like, I'm serving some sort of purpose as a single person and once that purpose as a single is served I'll get a husband. There's probably some truth to that, but it totally ignores the fact that God loves me because it's his nature, not because I've done my single-woman duties.

And then other times I wonder, is my problem that I have too much choice? If this were the 1950s I would have probably settled down with a guy already because I would have not been so driven to accomplish my own things and had my own ideas of what I want that go above and beyond just a Godly man. Challies reminded me of this today in his article. Sometimes I also wonder if the characteristics I'm looking for in a man are too specific and I'm setting this standard of "perfection" that no man can really live up to? Or are these qualities things God has put in my heart because He knows what I need better than I do? I resigned to trust that they were God-given until he changed my heart about them. This article called "My Single Identity Baggage" was challenging too.

Anyways, I have been duly rebuked by the first article. I need to rejoice with those who rejoice. I have always wanted to, but I guess I felt justified in my mini pity party.

I really am happy for you, friends in relationships. I'm going to be better at rejoicing with you in word and in spirit. And one day you will be able to rejoice with me too!

I choose to ooze with enthuuuusiasm

Yesterday was reminiscent of when I was sick. Things seemed less bright and hopeful. Today when I woke up one of my first thoughts was, "Ugh. Kathy calls at 12:30. I should make some calls before she calls me. Ugh. I hate calling. When will this be over?!"

I got up out of bed with this bad attitude in my heart. I didn't like how it felt. I thought I had grown out of that in the last couple weeks. It was like pants that fit too tight and give you a muffin top... so unfortunate. I was quickly reminded of prayer. "Lord, I don't want to have this attitude. Help me to see this as an opportunity. Help me rejoice in the calls that I have to make today and help me to make the choice to be happy about my circumstances."

Immediately, I felt hopeful and almost excited to make the scary calls this morning. I used to enjoy clinging to my bad attitudes and hard heart. I think this might be changing. Maybe that's partly what this epicly long MPD business is all about: beating my bad attitudes out of me by forcing me to face them day after day after day after day after day until I don't like them anymore and want to put them to DEATH.

And maybe, just maybe, it's finally working.

1-2-3-4-5-6 switch

I haven't been bored in over 2 months. "That's good!" you're thinking. No, actually, not really. I haven't been bored because I haven't wanted to do anything. If I've accomplished anything it's because I've forced myself to or someone else has forced me to do it.

But today, I was bored. I didn't have a lot of calling to do. I've been tearing through Min Prep books. I got bored. I was tired, had a nap, made cookies. I'm about to do some more calling but seriously? BOREDOM. There's only so much reading a person can do in the day. I finally feel motivated to do things, and have nothing to do. Seriously. Earlier I was going to avoid calling, but now I'm so bored I'm actually going to call. CALLING OUT OF BOREDOM IS A BAD SIGN. haha i'm going to go crazy before I reach Montreal I fear. Craziness from the country/small town. Mark my words.

Ok I'm going to go call. Then runnnnnn on the treadmill. run run run my boredom away. Maybe this will work out in my favour after all.

hope is rising

There is a spring in my step, a smile in my heart. While most of the world is out spending time with their date, I'm in my living room while my dad watches the hockey game. I think this is the first v-day that I haven't been super cynical or throbbing with discontent about my singleness. I'm fine. I'm happy! And considering the last few months, I'm grateful for that. A girl has gotta be thankful for any crumbs that fall off the Master's table.

'f'-ing like crazy

I'm back at it. Getting into the swing of things again. I don't think I will ever really enjoy MPD, I have to admit. But I'm starting to see my insecurities and weaknesses in it and I know it will make me a way better person. In the past few weeks I have seriously questioned whether I'm cut out for it or not and I concluded that I am not. I can do a lot of things but this I can't.

So I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I fake things. A lot. I don't mean I lie or plagiarize, I just mean that I fake confidence when inside I'm freaking out. I make it look like on the outside I have confidence but really inside I'm repeating "Help me Jesus! Help me Jesus!" Tonight when I try and make phone calls I will be trying to fake even to myself that I can do this, that I'm capable (or at least that Christ in me is).

I can tell you that it's good practice, cause when I get to campus I'm going to be faking it allllllll the time cause I feel neither confident nor qualified like I did before.

Thats me, fake-y-fakerrr

again i say rejoice

A few times in the last month I have looked at my life and thought, "Lord, where is your mercy?" I have seen how MPD has dragged on insufferably and most days seem like a struggle to accomplish anything worthwhile. Each time I have thought these things I have felt my heart harden a bit.

Like last fall when I was struck by McCain's concession speech, today God stirred my heart to conviction. All of a sudden I felt convicted of a heart attitude of pride. Who was I that I felt I deserved God's mercy? What brought me to feel like He owed it to me that this season of perseverance would end?

I felt both my heart and my spirit soften today as I acknowledged God's headship in my life and chose to willingly submit to His will for me recognizing that every gift from God is good and should be received with thanksgiving.

things I haven't felt for a long time

eager.
courage.
purpose.
energetic.
light hearted.
anticipation.
happiness.
strength.
hope.
joy!

welcome back.

changes

For awhile this past month I've been secretly horrified with myself, quietly confused with what's been happening in my heart and my head. It started one not so great day at Winter Conference when I was in an elevator with some french students. As they were talking, I realized I reallllly couldn't decipher much of what they were saying. In that moment it occurred to me that I didn't want to go serve on a french campus. In fact, in that moment I didn't want to be on campus at all.

These sentiments continued for most of the month. Not because I suddenly disliked campus ministry or the french language. It was, I think, mostly out of a fear of what felt like the impossible. How did I ever think I had what it takes to spend most of my time speaking French? (especially after it's been approximately 2 years since I've taken a french course).

But, as the end of the month approaches and with it comes the very likely prospect of MPD again, and as I considered the possibility of going to Colorado this summer for IBS I became excited. Excited!

And with that excitement came (get this!) a desire to get this MPD thing over with.

I'm getting antsy.

this is a very good sign.

quarter-life crisis

So I have this bad habit of blogging when I feel kind of crappy and then not updating it when I feel much better a few days later lol. Or in the case of my last post.... hours later?

Last week I kind of had a bit of an identity crisis. Actually, it's kind of ongoing, but it came to my attention last week. I was feeling like I didn't really know what defined me from any other Christian woman my age. I know there are things that make me different from my friends, but for some reason I guess my identity isn't rooted in those things.

I spoke with my counselor about it and she pointed out that if our identity is rooted in our ministry, clothes, family life, friends, money, or other things like this women especially tend towards depression because it's like building your house on sand. It wont hold up in the long run. I've realized that a lot of my identity is based on my personal ministry & who I am to other people. My big question is: if I decided to not finish my MPD (which I wont, I'm just saying hypothetically) what would I do???

I have no idea.

Formerly, I would have been allllllll over something international development related. But at this point in my life, I can't deal with that. Which, I think also lends itself to why I'm kind of identity confused. I used to be the person who would talk about injustice and corporate greed and all this kind of stuff; I was passionate about it. I'm not that person anymore. Well, in some ways I am but in other ways not really. I'm really struggling with knowing how I'm distinct from other friends who also love Canadian indie music and nerdy internet/computer things and art etc. A lot of what I like has to do with other people. I like to bake because I like when people really love my baking and praise me for it. Lame! Where did the self-assured, confident, strong, in-touch-with-who-I-am Jess go from High School? I'm like a giant blob of insecurity now.

Thankfully my counselor gave me a couple exercises to work through to help solidify in my mind "who I am". I realized that it's kind of a process of me understanding how i'm being inwardly renewed day by day. I know that there are parts of Jess from since I was born that are good and will stay a part of me and there are parts that I picked up in my university days that are also good, some that are not so good and need to be discarded. Some things need to be polished and others need to be gutted. This is what's happening to me right now and it can be kind of confusing inside haha. I feel like I'm 15 all over again! Thankfully, though, I'm a little less boy crazy this time around.

But in all, I realize this "identity crisis" that's going on is really important. It feels good to see the fruit of this time being sick. Before I didn't know why this was happening but now I see what it was that needed to change in my life and how I needed to be built up before I get on campus. I was talking to a friend about this and she kind of got all excited because she saw that God was rooting out of me my identity associations with ministry so that I can do it in a healthy manner when I actually get to campus. It's true.

I'm glad.

(side note: I titled this post after I wrote it & found out that my pet name "quarter-life crisis" is a reality for many people my age. Well, according to Wikipedia)

fact over feeling

Yesterday I was thinking about how a year and a half ago I started to investigate certain doctrinal issues more closely, namely election. As I've investigated more and more I've come to accept and appreciate it. In fact, in the last several months I've really come to find comfort in this theology that keeps God's Sovereignty at the heart of it. In difficult times, I can rest assured that God is sovereign.

Today was another crappy day. Last week was great, this week not so much. At what was probably my worst moments of the day I found these words that Job said:

He has walled up my way, so that I cannot pass,
and he has set darkness upon my paths. (Job 19:8 ESV)

The ESV Study Bible note on this verse says:

God's fence had at first kept trouble away from Job (1:10), but now it was a wall that gave Job no way of escape (cf. 3:23). The very scale of his suffering is, for Job, a sign of its divine origin.

God's Sovereignty can feel so wonderful at times and in moments of despair it can feel like a crime against me. Knowing that God allowed me to feel this, allowed me to feel disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. But I know that's the depression talking.

I guess this is just another opportunity for me to learn to love and praise him for what I intellectually know is a very very good thing but right now on this bad day doesn't feel so nice.

Beni soit le nom de Seigneur.

Shepherd

The Lord is my Shepherd.
At December training several problems became apparent in my life. At the time I didn't really know how to deal with them, but God put people in my life to help me identify the changes I needed to make and he gave me people to help me make those changes. Over the last few weeks I've seen Him remind me of these things that I need to process, face, deal with and understand. Realizing & accepting the fact that I'm sick right now has really changed the dynamic of my relationship with God. Finally, after 22 years it has taken burnout and depression to make me really understand the truth that I am a child of God. Child. Admitting that this child needs to be led, taught, disciplined and take lots and lots of naps, admitting that I am not the person I thought I was - and I shouldn't be the person I had been striving to be -- these things have helped me submit to God better and to accept His Sovereignty in my life.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside still waters
Whether we like it or not, whether we feel we need it or not He will bring us to these green pastures. In my case it was kind of forced on me. But as with all things that are introduced to us by God, it was good and I came to like it. As much as August, September, October, November and December were extremely difficult for me; even though I went through many emotions of frustration, anger, weariness, impatience etc. all of these things were good because they brought me to the breaking point where I realized that the life I was living couldn't be the abundant life that Jesus promised me. When Jesus broke me he didn't leave me there to wither and die on my own, he started to put me back together in the most gentle, loving way: he made me lie down and rest in green pastures. These green pastures were hope that after the death of fall (and the death from the Fall of Man) comes the rebirth of spring (and hope in Eternity).

he restores my soul
Burnout was devastating. I was telling my counselor yesterday that burnout wasn't like being broken. In the past when I have felt broken it was like a mirror falling off a wall and breaking. The pieces were still big enough to put back in their original place, even if the mirror didn't look the same as it did before. Burnout felt like being turned into a pile of dust. I felt like even if I knew how to I couldn't go back to who I was. At times, I didn't even know who I was. I felt alienated unto my own self. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. Miraculously, it only took a few months for me to feel like mostly Jess again, even if I'm still not fully healthy yet. It has taken me more than a year to understand in my heart that soul restoration is so much better than going back to being able to function normally. Functioning, getting by, whatever is enough to get work done..... these things are cheap forgeries of the life God intends for us.

And that's the thing about asking God to make you the person He wants you to be. Oh, friend, He will. It just might not feel like rainbows and bunnies and lolipops and giggling babies. But after 6 days of work there is a day of rest, after war is peace, after this sin-filled earth is Paradise and after brokenness/being ground down to a pulp is restoration. Glorious restoration.

i feel like i need to defend myself

For the record I remembered that I'm not totally cynical about the world. There is one topic that I can talk for ages and ages and ages about, with much hope, anticipation, excitement, and zeal. I will explain later, although I'm sure many of you already know what it is.

l'augmentation de la douleur, le fardeau

In this one book my dad had for his role in church it was listing some traits & cautions of one of the gifts I supposedly have. It was really interesting because one of the cautions really impacted me and brought up what I have been trying to avoid dealing with these past months. It was a verse I know I have read before because I've read the book of Ecclesiastes, but I don't remember it affecting me like this before.

Ecclesiastes 1:18
For in much wisdom is much vexation,
and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow (ESV).

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief (NIV).

There are a couple reasons why this really hit me. The main reason being that I kind of feel like a bit of my spirit was killed because of my program at university. The information that I obtained about the world and the state it's in was pretty devastating. The nitty gritty details of sin so profound and perverse is overwhelming at best. In the last several months since graduating I knew I needed to do something about the attitude I had developed in response to the pain associated with my program and social justice movements. I just have yet to figure out a way.

A lot of you were at Eastern Winter Conference this past winter break and saw the film that Ken showed at the end of one of his sessions. It was a hard hitting short about the brokenness of the world and the questions we have for God that follow an awakening to this world's evil. I sobbed through the entire thing because it was saying everything I had been feeling. In fact, I couldn't even see the end because my weeping became so uncontrollable and loud.

When I was in university doing readings for my classes, it was not uncommon for me to cry throughout an article. It was not uncommon for me to have to take several breaks from reading just to read scripture to calm my soul. Four years of going deeper and deeper into the darkness of the human soul has got to impact a person. It did. In fact, it impacted me so much that I've felt like I had to completely compartmentalize everything I learned and ignore it because it was just too much to bear. All of the criticisms of each NGO, all of the boycotts of Wal-Mart for terrible human rights infringements and even acknowledgement of these HR tragedies, all of the economic war being waged under our noses in silence, all of the literal war that rages through Congo and Sudan and Gaza, all of the people being assassinated in South America by militias for Coke because these people are trying to fight to be unionized and get a wage they deserve... I've had to ignore it all because I just. can't. deal.

I know that God is Sovereign and that Jesus brings hope to this hurting world; to be very frank, this knowledge is likely the only thing that has kept me from the depths of despair as I've slowly lost all hope for humankind to save itself. I used to be a bright-eyed teenager who really, truly believed that sure there was sin, but there was still hope for us. Sometime my cynicism is overbearing and overcomes the Truth of God's Sovereignty as the weight of the knowledge of sin presses down on my weary little heart. Sometimes it's like I can feel the sin. It feels like an oil spill on humanity. The thick, unrefined oil that kills entire ecosystems in oceans, suffocating birds and fish alike and devastating coastal economies in its wake. Sometimes I see images in my mind of the atrocities going on in the world. Of children being torn from their mother's arms as their village burns in the background. No longer will that boy go to school to achieve his dream of being the village doctor, he is now a soldier. No longer will that joyful girl help her mother fetch the water and care for her little sister, she is now the sex slave of countless young militia boys for the LRA.

This is why I just don't think about it.

And yet, I feel bad about that too. I am confident that God got me into that program. It was a small-ish program of 60 students. My average was 5% lower than the cut-off and I got in when I know they rejected other students. So I know that somehow I should be using this knowledge I received. I know that had I not been in that program there would be a significantly smaller chance I would have joined staff and thus have the joy that seeing lives changed brings in my life.

So what do I do? I think I need to figure out how to channel this douleur into something good... and learn to cope with the vexation that knowledge brings. And talk to my counselor about this, since it seems to have similar roots that all my problems have: understanding what is my role and what is God's role.

(untitled)

What is it with my email address that I get so many random emails that are meant for other people? Just now I got the following email:

From: S. P.
Subject: paragraph
Madame Losiels superficial outlook on life and only caring about material possessions and destroys their life. Madame Losiel claims “ Oh, nothing. Only I don’t have an evening dress and therefore I cant go to the affair” ( Maupassant 200). Madame Losiel is selfish because she gets invited to an affair and she cant go because she doesn’t have an evening dress. Madame Losiel wants a new dress because she doesn’t want to look poor. She doesn’t care about what people think of what’s inside but what she looks like on the outside. When Madame Losiel thought about her life she couldn’t help but “…. grieved incessantly, feeling that she had been born all the little niceties and luxuries of living” (Maupassant 28). She only cares for material possessions and luxuries. She should be more concerned with the happiness of her husband and a little bit lee of her own. Her own selfish leads to her down fall.

And so, being the person I am I replied. And corrected his/her grammar and wished him/her best of luck. For being someone who is validated by emails, I sure get annoyed when I get other people's mail!

my tragic flaw, according to my 17-year-old self

The last several days I've been going through all my old blog posts from my two previous blogs beginning at age 15. How embarrassing some of those posts are! I've started to put them into a format so I can publish it as a book for my own personal use; I really want to have a copy on my bookshelf! It has been really interesting to read my candid thoughts. I definitely was an annoying 15-year-old. Some of the posts are actually pretty decent. Here's one that I found that still totally applies to who I am today. I remember writing it after we were talking about tragic flaws in an English class.

Friday, December 12, 2003

wheel of fortune

I do. I trust you. I don't even know who you are, but I trust that you wont take what you read, and betray me. You don't even know me well enough to know how to betray me, but nevertheless, I trust you. I walk into relationships trusting, and I continue until that trust has been violated. Is this normal? Maybe. No matter what, it's how I function, how my world keeps spinning. It is how I feel like everything is still ok in the world. It is my justification for all of those starving kids in Africa, for all those children who are slaves in India, for all of those 8 year old girls stolen from their families and put in brothels, for all the things I can't control. It's those scary things that make me trusting. As contradicting as that sounds, it's true. If I give you a chance, if I trust you, if I believe in you, maybe I can do my part. And the thing is, even if you ruin me, eventually I'll forgive you. But, depending on the severity, I may never trust you again. Cunning, though, as you are, you will probably convince me that you aren't as bad as I'm making you out to be. It's not that I don't have any self-worth, and that I an attention seeking person who feeds on acceptance of others. It's far from that. I just like to think that the world is, in the end, a nice place. Sometimes I shelter myself, others I don't. I have met girls whose parents sold them into sexual slavery. My trust has been violated in the deepest way a child should ever know. Yet, I still trust. So, there it is: my tragic flaw. My trait that will, ultimately, (if I were a Shakespearean character) be the cause for my demise.

The only difference between me then and me now is I'm no longer able to believe that the world is truly a nice place anymore.

praise the LORD!

I've gained 15 pounds since I graduated. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. It's mostly because of the fact that I don't need to walk that much to get anywhere and so that was my main form of exercise when I was in University. It started to bother me because I kind of envisioned it never leaving and only getting added to more and more and more.

Today dad bought a treadmill. JOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Goodbye excess weight, hello fitness!

sovereign hands

Winter Conference this year was quite different for so many reasons. I wasn't really sure how it would go considering my health, but it was pretty good. In fact, the last few days have been quite wonderful. On the evening of the 30th after a fantastic session a bunch of students from McMaster did as they always do and started a worship circle that lasted quite a while. For the last few years it's been the highlight of my conference experience; there's something so different about that student-led worship that is totally incomparable (in my mind) to the corporate worship in the sessions. It's so much more lively, joy-filled and dynamic. I stayed up until 2am taking it all in. The next day I was chatting with Angela and she commented that it was the first time in a long time she had seen me so happy. It's true. I realized I couldn't remember the last time I was that happy.

The rest of the time was just so much better. I felt more like myself as I joked around with my friends I hadn't seen in so long and enjoyed my time with them. It wasn't just that I was with people I hadn't been with in awhile, it was also the joy that I saw in other conference attendees like Mac Cru. There's just something about the Mac students that makes me happy. I love their energy, their creativity and how they seriously know how to have a good time. I felt happy just by being in the same room as them.

So here I sit, alone in my room, having said goodbye to real-life physical interaction with my dearest friends for who knows how long. When I was thinking about it earlier today for a moment I wished I hadn't felt the happiness because it made it so much harder to feel it slip away as I came face to face with my imminent isolation. And as tears stream down my face I realize that wishing it hadn't happened is the hopeless response. If I learned anything this weekend is that I have hope. Christ conquered the grave, so He can surely tear the veil of loneliness and return to me my heart of flesh still beating in His warm, strong, sovereign hands.

i wont quit, but the tiredness in me wants to

Some of you know that last week I met with a counselor to discuss her opinion on whether I was actually depressed or not. Through a tearful one hour meeting she confirmed my suspicions and uprooted some more lies I had been believing. It was a relief to have my experience labeled as something people more or less understood and are aware of the need to get better.

On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.

Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.

In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.

The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.

pensées

I've been startled to realize that even here at staff training I'm not happy. I love being surrounded by some of my favourite people, so many wise, experienced Christians who I look up to so much. But I'm not happy.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. I don't have a reason to complain, either. MPD is what it is. My life is what it is, I've accepted that. But I'm not really doing well. I'm not really loving life, nor enjoying it. I guess I'm kind of numb and I don't know why.

I was really expecting to come to this training and be really encouraged by nature of being around so many people with a shared passion for the Lord and vision for the nations, but in all honesty.... it's not really all that special.

I think I've been looking to other things to make me happy.... coming to this training, being at Winter Conference, going to Montreal. I've struggled to enjoy God. I've struggled to do anything, really.

The most concerning thing, though, is not that I'm unhappy and not that this training week isn't all that I had anticipated (yet), but my interaction with people. When they ask how I'm doing, or whenever I get into a conversation about my life as it is now - I'm constantly on the verge of tears. At home, it's easy not to think about the reality of my situation. It's just like Pascal says in his Pensées: we keep ourselves busy so that we don't have to address the issue of our deep loneliness or confusion about our place in the world. Take away the busyness and people realize their need for God. Similarly, I guess until this week I've been able to kind of distract myself from the fact that I'm not ok. I'm not feeling normal. I'm not the person I was even this spring, that I enjoyed being.

It's made me wonder... maybe I am a little tiny bit depressed.

I'm going to nap now before supper. I don't want my dinner conversation to make me cry

bye bye Athena

Many of you know my old computer, Athena, died. She didn't quite bite the dust like so many computers do, but after being dropped and me tripping over the power cord and completely mangling it beyond (what I believed to be) repair, I got a new one. I knew that once the battery died, I wouldn't be able to recharge her. She was on her last leg anyways, the hard drive was practically dead.

My mom's husband Kevin wanted to see if he could fix her so he could fiddle around on her. He's never experienced a mac before. So I begrudgingly brought it to him, hoping he would get electrocuted and cease all efforts. I didn't want him to fix it because then I'd feel bad about getting a new computer, even though I knew the hard drive could go at any moment.

He fixed her, and after me spending a good chunk of time deleting all my files, erasing my histories and password keychain files, I handed her over to him.

It's so sad, I can't believe I'm almost crying! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that its midnight and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Do you know the HOURS I've spent with Athena these last three years? Probably more than with real people. She came with me practically everywhere and in a lot of ways became part of my identity. Ask anyone who was at Queen's with me: I spent my two years with my laptop in Mac-Corry Caf eating pizza either surfing academic journals or the Resources Wiki.

It actually feels very violating to know that his fingers are on her keyboard. It's not just that it's him, it's that she's my baby in someone elses arms. It feels like all my files are still there for him to see. Technically they still are on the disc until they're re-written, but I know he's not going to try to access them.

It just feels so wrong. I'm going to try and think up an excuse to get her back just so I can have peace of mind.

I know this makes me sound totally insane. But at least I know Angela understands!

and cue "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Greenday.