l'augmentation de la douleur, le fardeau

In this one book my dad had for his role in church it was listing some traits & cautions of one of the gifts I supposedly have. It was really interesting because one of the cautions really impacted me and brought up what I have been trying to avoid dealing with these past months. It was a verse I know I have read before because I've read the book of Ecclesiastes, but I don't remember it affecting me like this before.

Ecclesiastes 1:18
For in much wisdom is much vexation,
and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow (ESV).

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief (NIV).

There are a couple reasons why this really hit me. The main reason being that I kind of feel like a bit of my spirit was killed because of my program at university. The information that I obtained about the world and the state it's in was pretty devastating. The nitty gritty details of sin so profound and perverse is overwhelming at best. In the last several months since graduating I knew I needed to do something about the attitude I had developed in response to the pain associated with my program and social justice movements. I just have yet to figure out a way.

A lot of you were at Eastern Winter Conference this past winter break and saw the film that Ken showed at the end of one of his sessions. It was a hard hitting short about the brokenness of the world and the questions we have for God that follow an awakening to this world's evil. I sobbed through the entire thing because it was saying everything I had been feeling. In fact, I couldn't even see the end because my weeping became so uncontrollable and loud.

When I was in university doing readings for my classes, it was not uncommon for me to cry throughout an article. It was not uncommon for me to have to take several breaks from reading just to read scripture to calm my soul. Four years of going deeper and deeper into the darkness of the human soul has got to impact a person. It did. In fact, it impacted me so much that I've felt like I had to completely compartmentalize everything I learned and ignore it because it was just too much to bear. All of the criticisms of each NGO, all of the boycotts of Wal-Mart for terrible human rights infringements and even acknowledgement of these HR tragedies, all of the economic war being waged under our noses in silence, all of the literal war that rages through Congo and Sudan and Gaza, all of the people being assassinated in South America by militias for Coke because these people are trying to fight to be unionized and get a wage they deserve... I've had to ignore it all because I just. can't. deal.

I know that God is Sovereign and that Jesus brings hope to this hurting world; to be very frank, this knowledge is likely the only thing that has kept me from the depths of despair as I've slowly lost all hope for humankind to save itself. I used to be a bright-eyed teenager who really, truly believed that sure there was sin, but there was still hope for us. Sometime my cynicism is overbearing and overcomes the Truth of God's Sovereignty as the weight of the knowledge of sin presses down on my weary little heart. Sometimes it's like I can feel the sin. It feels like an oil spill on humanity. The thick, unrefined oil that kills entire ecosystems in oceans, suffocating birds and fish alike and devastating coastal economies in its wake. Sometimes I see images in my mind of the atrocities going on in the world. Of children being torn from their mother's arms as their village burns in the background. No longer will that boy go to school to achieve his dream of being the village doctor, he is now a soldier. No longer will that joyful girl help her mother fetch the water and care for her little sister, she is now the sex slave of countless young militia boys for the LRA.

This is why I just don't think about it.

And yet, I feel bad about that too. I am confident that God got me into that program. It was a small-ish program of 60 students. My average was 5% lower than the cut-off and I got in when I know they rejected other students. So I know that somehow I should be using this knowledge I received. I know that had I not been in that program there would be a significantly smaller chance I would have joined staff and thus have the joy that seeing lives changed brings in my life.

So what do I do? I think I need to figure out how to channel this douleur into something good... and learn to cope with the vexation that knowledge brings. And talk to my counselor about this, since it seems to have similar roots that all my problems have: understanding what is my role and what is God's role.

best sellers

I was in the grocery store last week and I noticed that the only Christian books on the shelves were pretty bad representatives of the faith (save The Purpose Driven Life). On Sunday I was in Westboro in Ottawa and my dad stopped in the Superstore to grab a card for someone. 

As I browsed the books I quickly became quite distraught as I saw the titles. I took this picture with my phone because I just thought it was the perfect example of the trash that is in popular consumption right now. I found it pretty ironic that the two "christian" books are closely juxtaposed to the two Oprah-crazed new age books. 

I don't know if I'm just being more aware of it in the last year or so, but it seems to me that there is an extra portion of heretical material being made available (and being widely read/discussed) than there was at any other time I can think of. I imagine that it really is no more than before, I just wasn't really aware of it. 

hands held high

When I was driving to Southern Ontario I listened to the new Linkin Park CD. Yes, I often like their songs. This one song that I'm going to share with you made me cry! Maybe cause I was hormonal (I don't really think I was though), but anyways. 

I'd also like to remind people of the disclaimer on the sidebar before they look at this video, and note that the language used in this video isn't exactly clean. This song speaks to me especially because of the hippie-protester in me. Anyways, what really hit me in this song is the direct link to the horrible state of the world & Christianity. That just really upset me. People look to America and see a war waged in the name of God and think that all Christians love super right-wing economic policy & questionable business practices. Awesome. 

Hands Held High by Linkin Park

all I can think of are clichés and this is not the time for them

So in driving home from a support appointment today I was thinking about how I get myself in situations I don't know how to deal with. I have plenty of stories of people confessing awful things that they have done or been through or stories that I have experienced with people as they were honest & shared their life with me. But then, like I said, I find myself in situations I have no clue how to deal with or help them through. 

What do you say to a person who tells you they used to cut themselves when they were upset but then switched to watching hard core pornography so that they would feel ashamed?

What do you say to a person who has clearly told you that they have  a plan to kill themselves and explain the plan to you? 

What about when a person admits a sexual abuse so horrible that they actually don't remember the details -- their brain has blocked it out -- but they know it happened?*

Seriously? What do you say!? The crazy thing is, I could probably avoid knowing these things about people. When asking people about themselves I often can tell if they are lying or not telling the whole truth and because I love Truth I usually probe until it comes to the surface. And then I'm left speechless. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this and I respected people's boundaries; if they decide to say they're doing fine when they're not, maybe I should just let them be. But from experience, so many of these people just aren't honest because they don't feel like they have anyone to be honest with -- that people don't care or will be so horrified they'll run off. I admit, I have wanted to run before! 

So on this drive home today I was asking myself: why do I open up the doors for people to pour out their scary scary secrets, when I'm so helpless to do anything. I concluded that even if I don't have the words to say to make it better maybe in being honest they wont feel alone through it all. And maybe, just maybe, they'll be one step closer to healing. 

*none of these things are associated with the person I met with today