The Source (Pt 2)

That was a dream I had when I was about 16 or 17. It's always weirded me out, as I'm sure it did you as well. I still have no clue what the whole 'tribe of Judah' thing is in relation to my dream. Part of me wonders if one day that dream will make total sense.

I was reminded of the dream last weekend when I was talking to a friend about development issues. She brought up a story that she had heard that Brian McLaren had mentioned in one of his books. I just found it on Google Books and it turns out he is quoting Jim Wallis. The story goes like this: you see someone drowning in the river beside you. You wade out to rescue them and bring them to safety. As this person is drying off, you hear another scream for help and you see that another person is drowning. You wade out and help save this person, too. you bring them back to the hard, dry land and get them a towel. And then you hear another scream. You're starting to see a trend here and it occurs to you to look upstream, and there are many other people in the water. So you, or someone with you realizes, "We have to go upstream and stop these people from falling into the water in the first place!"

While helping people in crisis is really important, so is stopping those people from getting into said crisis. That's what my heart has been about development, and that is why it's been so upsetting to me because I want to find a source and cut it off. In the face of giant corporations who make more money than most countries do, in the face of rabid armies and all the other various huge challenges, like I've said before. Seems hopeless.

Last night, I was reading Romans 12. The last verse of Romans 12 is one I've heard countless times before. This time it hit me in a new way, as the Word of GOD has a tendency of doing. The verse is, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." I imagine you can see what I saw. I had been overcome by the evil in this world. This verse assumes that it is possible to overcome evil with good, an assumption I had never made before. In fact, I assumed it wasn't possible to overcome evil with good.

As I reflected on this, I could feel it rising in me. I'm getting my fight back.

l'augmentation de la douleur, le fardeau

In this one book my dad had for his role in church it was listing some traits & cautions of one of the gifts I supposedly have. It was really interesting because one of the cautions really impacted me and brought up what I have been trying to avoid dealing with these past months. It was a verse I know I have read before because I've read the book of Ecclesiastes, but I don't remember it affecting me like this before.

Ecclesiastes 1:18
For in much wisdom is much vexation,
and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow (ESV).

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief (NIV).

There are a couple reasons why this really hit me. The main reason being that I kind of feel like a bit of my spirit was killed because of my program at university. The information that I obtained about the world and the state it's in was pretty devastating. The nitty gritty details of sin so profound and perverse is overwhelming at best. In the last several months since graduating I knew I needed to do something about the attitude I had developed in response to the pain associated with my program and social justice movements. I just have yet to figure out a way.

A lot of you were at Eastern Winter Conference this past winter break and saw the film that Ken showed at the end of one of his sessions. It was a hard hitting short about the brokenness of the world and the questions we have for God that follow an awakening to this world's evil. I sobbed through the entire thing because it was saying everything I had been feeling. In fact, I couldn't even see the end because my weeping became so uncontrollable and loud.

When I was in university doing readings for my classes, it was not uncommon for me to cry throughout an article. It was not uncommon for me to have to take several breaks from reading just to read scripture to calm my soul. Four years of going deeper and deeper into the darkness of the human soul has got to impact a person. It did. In fact, it impacted me so much that I've felt like I had to completely compartmentalize everything I learned and ignore it because it was just too much to bear. All of the criticisms of each NGO, all of the boycotts of Wal-Mart for terrible human rights infringements and even acknowledgement of these HR tragedies, all of the economic war being waged under our noses in silence, all of the literal war that rages through Congo and Sudan and Gaza, all of the people being assassinated in South America by militias for Coke because these people are trying to fight to be unionized and get a wage they deserve... I've had to ignore it all because I just. can't. deal.

I know that God is Sovereign and that Jesus brings hope to this hurting world; to be very frank, this knowledge is likely the only thing that has kept me from the depths of despair as I've slowly lost all hope for humankind to save itself. I used to be a bright-eyed teenager who really, truly believed that sure there was sin, but there was still hope for us. Sometime my cynicism is overbearing and overcomes the Truth of God's Sovereignty as the weight of the knowledge of sin presses down on my weary little heart. Sometimes it's like I can feel the sin. It feels like an oil spill on humanity. The thick, unrefined oil that kills entire ecosystems in oceans, suffocating birds and fish alike and devastating coastal economies in its wake. Sometimes I see images in my mind of the atrocities going on in the world. Of children being torn from their mother's arms as their village burns in the background. No longer will that boy go to school to achieve his dream of being the village doctor, he is now a soldier. No longer will that joyful girl help her mother fetch the water and care for her little sister, she is now the sex slave of countless young militia boys for the LRA.

This is why I just don't think about it.

And yet, I feel bad about that too. I am confident that God got me into that program. It was a small-ish program of 60 students. My average was 5% lower than the cut-off and I got in when I know they rejected other students. So I know that somehow I should be using this knowledge I received. I know that had I not been in that program there would be a significantly smaller chance I would have joined staff and thus have the joy that seeing lives changed brings in my life.

So what do I do? I think I need to figure out how to channel this douleur into something good... and learn to cope with the vexation that knowledge brings. And talk to my counselor about this, since it seems to have similar roots that all my problems have: understanding what is my role and what is God's role.

bitter

proceeding from or exhibiting great hostility or animosity.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this here before but this summer I've been slowly trying to work through my issues that have developed over my feelings and attitudes towards social justice and the concept of "development." I don't even know how to really explain it, but while I was doing my degree I just got really frustrated, bitter and cynical about it all. It's hard to believe that I'm the same hopeful person that went into the program. Well, I guess I'm not really the same person. 

It's not that I don't have hope, either. I have lots of hope. Jesus brings so much hope. However, I have to admit that I do have this desperate belief that there is absolutely no hope except for Him. I never used to think this way, and even though I'm sure it's probably the right perspective, it's still kind of depressing to have lost all hope in a humanity that rejects Christ. I know non-Christians do good things and are "good people". But ultimately, when you come face to face with the darkness of the human heart, you too would come to the same conclusion that I have. 

But here's my problem: I've kind of pushed away all these solutions to effect change -- I've pushed away everything but evangelism, discipleship and the local church. I know that there's something wrong with my attitude about it because I don't know what my opinion is on a lot of the issues. I know there's something wrong because I've pushed it away and opted to not deal with it. I know there's something wrong because because I really can't put my finger on what exactly the Bible has to say about all of these things. 

I know God loves social justice and it's close to His heart. That is very clear to me. It's the whole reason why I got into development in the first place. I've grown up around redemption and rehabilitation and second chances and hope. But there's something about the trendiness of social justice right now -- the connection between the emergent church and replacing the gospel with "jesus came only as an example and this is the good news" that really really gets my guard up. 

The reason I'm bringing this all up is because my calling to C4C staff is directly related to these issues and my confusion over everything is evident (at least to me) every time I do my presentation with someone. It's evident in how I explain myself; I have a hard time because I don't really know my own opinions on it. I don't really know my own place in it all. Why did I take this degree and am now in C4C? 

On my drive back home from Toronto I listened to a couple sermons by Tim Keller that also reminded me of this. One was on Justice. It was good. I agreed. It made me excited, even. 

Hmm, I'm sure this post is pretty confusing too. I haven't really explained myself because I'm still working through it all. I don't know if this is all because of my anti-conformist tendencies or simply because I was exposed to a pretty disturbing combination of desperation and cynicism in my program. 

Like I said before, I have been actively working through this. But after this last appointment, I think I'm going to take it more seriously because my uncertainty has been haunting me, taunting me. 

Isaiah was kind of smart

Several months ago I had a conversation with Lydia in which she told me that unless I was sure I was "called" to join staff with C4C, I wouldn't make it through MPD.

She was right. 

Today I was perusing Facebook and found out that one of my floor-mates from residence in first year is now attending Yale for grad school. This added to the pang of jealousy I felt when I found out two of my classmates are now at Oxford for grad school. Yale! Oxford! 

Being so tired of MPD, it's easy to wish that I had spent less time at C4C during my undergrad and more time on my studies; it's easy to wish that I had made the time to actually have a decent average, not an embarrassingly poor one; it's easy to wish I had gone on to something prestigious and intellectual, too. 

If I didn't know that I was meant to go to Montreal, I'd probably be seriously thinking about giving up right now.... and I haven't even been doing MPD for all that long. It's pretty embarrassing (and sad) that my heart is so quick to want to jump ship. 

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you. 

Isaiah 26:3

"loans that change lives"

I'm not sure how much the average person knows about microcredit opportunities in the developing world, but maybe by the end of this post you'll know a bit more. This morning I got an email from a friend & supporter who gave me a gift certificate to Kiva. I had never heard about it before, but it turns out it's one of the cooles things I've heard of in awhile.

Microcredit is an opportunity for people in developing countries to get loans to start small businesses that will give them a basic income. Usually it's a big organization, bank, or corporation that is involved in loaning the money. Kiva does things differently. Through this website, the average person can give $25, $50, or however much they want to which ever project they wish. The reason I like this so much is because someone like me who probably will never make a boatload of money can still make a difference. If all of the people who regularly read this site gave $25 it could change the course of a couple people's lives. It's also less risky for the person giving the loan because it's not a big deal for me to lend $25 and not get it back. Kiva claims that 97% of people pay back their loans. When you get your $25 back, you can give it to someone else. It's also cool because it basically removes the middle-man. Your money goes almost directly to the individual.

I think another reason why I really like it is that it isn't a hand out. We talked a lot about how "progress" is so much more likely in a developing area if the people take ownership of whatever they're doing, rather than it just being given to them. It's like me raising my support. If Power to Change just paid me, it would be easier for me to quit during difficult times. But as I'm raising my support and pushing through difficult times (like now), I know that getting on campus will be something I've worked hard for and will appreciate more, just like I'll appreciate my supporters more.

I also have been thinking a lot about what is a Biblical perspective on compassion ministries. I've been taught a lot of stuff in my degree but I want to know if any of it aligns with God's heart on the topic. In the book of Ruth we see that through the Law God gave provision to take care of the impoverished during the harvest. Boaz tells his workers to leave some grain un-gleaned (that can't be a word) in order to let those who are poor to have something to eat, as the Law declared. Ruth had to work for her sustenance, like anyone else -- but Boaz made that possible by not taking it all for himself. This is kind of what micro-credit is. I don't spend all my own money, i lend it to someone who can make something of it and make a life for themselves and they pay me back & I can give it somewhere else.

Now...... all we need is Power to Change/Gain to start a similar peer-to-peer microcredit agency that incorporates opportunities to share Christ with these new business owners, and we're golden!

propaganda!

Last week, even though I mentioned to a friend that I was boycotting the olympics, I ended up watching bits and pieces of the Opening Ceremony. It was pretty impressive at times with the choreographed dancing and light displays. But there were a few times when it made me sick to my stomach. At the end Sarah Brightman and Liu Han sang "One World, One dream / we are family" while hundreds of people opened up umbrellas showing ethnically diverse children/people with smiling faces.

I was appalled by this. Sure, it's nice thought, and I guess it probably would apply if all of those people belonged to the Communist Party. But how many people were being beaten and tortured in prison while Sarah Brightman sang in harmony with Liu Han? How many organs were being harvested?

Of course few countries actually have a perfect record of torture & just practices in war, engaging with civil society etc. Canada, maybe we haven't done it ourselves, but we have participated knowingly and given questions to the countries actually doing the torture. I think that counts. The US, well, the US "doesn't" torture like I "don't" like chocolate.

Anyways, the ceremony still made me want to vomit at times. That's all I'm saying.

Chronicles of the semi-all-nighter essay writing extravaganza

5:09 am
So I have this paper for my Globalization & Cities in the South (Global South = the non obsolete term for 'Third World" or a more PC form of 'developing countries') due at 4:00 pm today. You might note the ridiculous hour this was published at. It's currently 5:19 am. I spent all Friday and Saturday in the library doing research for this paper, all sunday at church/cleaning my house/entertaining guests of fellow student-friends staying in Kingston for easter. It was very good times. I went to bed at 10:30 (didn't fall asleep until about 12 thanks to a coke i had around 8-9) and woke up at 3 to start writing this paper. START. It's 15 pages. did I mention it's due at 4. So, in order to facilitate a mind-break every so often I am going to chronicle the adventure that is this paper writing expereiennce. Yes. that's how i spelled experience. I tried to change it like 4 times but i decided to leave it as raw evidence that my essay will be horrifie. i mean horrific.

So, since 3am I have written: 2 pages (which isn't too bad, but i'll def have to step it up to at least 1.5 pages an hour), had 1 hot-cross bun, one cup of hot chocolate, one slice of left-over SO YUMMY ham (shout out to NA people who are tragically ham-less this Easter... hmm, perhaps what is more tragic than not having ham is being a few of a handful of Christians in the country. sigh.), 1 slice of rye bread. 1 advil, which by the way, wasn't quite enough.

6:13 am
Can I just say that Honey Ginseng Green tea is really weird tasting with 2 spoons of sugar. like .... SUGAR CITY. woot page 5! go jess! 10 more to go and I have about 8 hours.

7:50 am
So far this has been the best essay writing experience I've had under the circumstances (read: of this year). Somehow, I managed to pick the perfect (creepy - i just wrote 'perfect' as my music said 'perfect') volume of music, and the perfect (ugh it happened again!) music. A friend lent me his New Pornographers CDs specifically to listen to for essay writing. So far this one is one of my favourites. Also, I'm currently drinking green tea. Like the colour green. (the last tea was so abysmal, especially as it cooled, that I abandoned it quickly). We have a huge bottle of mint Torani so I decided to try some with English Breakfast Tea. It's weird. Makes my tongue feel all minty tho. That's fun. OK essay writing,..... also, that HAM IS SO GOOD. (on page 9/15)

10:00 am
12/15 pages and I still haven't written my intro or conclusion. This rocks! I might even get to nap and shower. I almost said nap & sleep ha. Ok, so that tea was ROTTON. I abandoned that one too. I'm such a waster! But it was seriously heinous. I've switched the music to MIA now. Hussel, jess!

12:00
DONE. 8 hours 15 pages. I'm kind of a big deal. My house smells like rich mahogany. I own many leather bound books. no seriously, Jesus made this paper happen.... and Mandy who did some of my research for me and gave me the idea on Friday at 4:00 pm haha. so nuts.

orthodoxy

so I was sitting in my seminar class (Globalization and Cities in the South) thinking about my prof's use of the word 'orthodoxy'. He used it in reference to the "World Bank doctrine" which is essentially the promulgation of the ideology free-market capitalism through the "third world development" perspective, making markets more easily accessed by western corporations while seeking to improve the living conditions of the people in the area. I will not comment on my opinion of this.

He then went on to describe the form of "development" which my program promotes: a rejection of this "orthodoxy" for more "organic" "grass-roots" development and then used a bunch more words that seemed more 'touchy feely' or even what I would call 'wishy washy'... it just doesn't seem to mean a whole lot when you think about it and try and put it on paper.

But "wishy washy" is the term I've used to explain some of my friends' more emergent perspectives. When they talk about things it seems to be evasive and not really a solid answer.... it dances around issues. It began to freak me out this connection I was making.... post-modernism and post-colonialism is producing people like my devs classmates who are proponents of relative truth and these more post-colonial(ish) perspectives on development. Post-modernism and the post-church movement have been producing people like a few of my friends, some of whom don't believe that the new testament is God-breathed or pretty much reject the way the Church is functioning right now (which isn't exactly stellar, i'll admit, but I would caution against throwing the baby out with the bath water) and they are trying something different.

orthodoxy and post-modernism. the "unholy trinity" of the world bank/imf/world trade organization and grassroots development. campus for christ and _. reformed theology and brian mclaren. these tensions have characterized my time at Queen's. It's kind of shocking and disturbing that I would compare C4C with the WB seeing as I have been indoctrinated to loath the WB. But there definitely are similarities:

• they are not afraid of being clear about what they are and what they aren't.
• they follow steps and trajectories that are clear and distinct
• they believe that if it works one place it will/can work everywhere
• they use the "excuse" that since they've been around since the 50s that gives them some weight or validity

this creeps me out! if this time next year I'm blogging about why the world bank is good and free-market capitalism is wonderful and facilities economic and social development through the trickle-down effect ... do us all a favour and finish me off. please.

PlayPumps

This is really cool. I found this when I clicked a link on someone's iPartee.com profile and got to this blog. I should be studying, but I'm taking a break. That's what I tell myself anyways. Anyways, how it works is there ia well pump attached to a merry-go-round so that kids have to play on it to get water. Girls will particularly benefit because they are often the ones responsible to fetch it. PlayPumps.

slow changes in perspective

Last night I ended up finding the blog of a friend I went to Nepal with. He's back in Nepal with Word Made Flesh as a full-time missionary. As I was reading about his work on his blog, it reminded me of some of my old (and current, but dormant) perspectives on missions work.

I used to be way more socially conscious, way more into social justice. I used to cry all the time about poverty and the suffering in the world - and somehow I felt that that was a good judge of how compassionate I was. The more I studied these things and "fixing poverty" seemed more and more impossible I became pretty disillusioned. I think the turning point for a lot of my thoughts happened when I met up with the Hinzel in January, 2007. He said something that really shocked me and I remember thinking "is he really saying this?!" After asking me what I was doing right now to help solve the millions-of-orphans-in-the-world situation, and after I started talking about reaching leaders to change policy etc., he was like "it's more than just policy! Jesus said: 'You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me' (Matthew 26:11)." When he said this, I seriously thought he was crazy and was just very not socially-conscious or one of those right-wing republican americans. But as we continued the conversation, I realized that he wasn't crazy and his politics didn't matter.

I was afraid that the poor always being poor meant hopelessness. In devs at Queen's, it does. Never have they offered us a solution or even really a hope for a solution aside from Marxism, but let's be serious - as marxist as I used to be (ie: semi-marxist? or something?) - even I admit that Marxism is impossible and hopeless. It is an ideal that can only be achieved without sin, otherwise it will always break down into totalitarianism or pain of other sorts. So when Gregg said this about poverty, that it will always exist, I knew it must be true because Jesus said it, and I knew that because Jesus said it, I needed to come to terms with it.

What I found was that I need to focus my energies not on 'solving poverty' but ensuring those in poverty are able to live with purpose, joy and the abundant life that Jesus came to offer to us. This is part of the reason why I'm joining staff instead of working with an NGO. Do I feel less compassionate because I've decided to work with C4C rather than a more mercy-related mission organization like Word Made Flesh? Yes, actually I do. But I don't think that my decisions of what I should do with my life should be based on how they make me feel.

Anyways, I've been reflecting on how I am actually less development-minded and socially conscious coming out of my degree than going in. I think what I've realized is that social justice is really incredible and wonderful and part of God's plan extend grace and mercy to people, but right now I need to be mobilizing people to make disciples.

26ºC

I'm posting from a hotel in Florida. Today Kathryn, Brittany and I travelled from Jacksonville to Tampa and on the way saw something really surprising. This trip has been pretty awesome for all of us, and it has opened my eyes even more to the world we live in. Yesterday and today the one thing all of us noticed was how 'Third World' some of the places we drove through were. The dilapidated house and broken down churches. Britt kept referring to how it reminded her of Tanzania, and Kathryn said it smacked of Panama - I can't say it looked like Nepal, but it was definitely striking and disturbing.

Tomorrow, the beach!

there is hope for me yet

So yesterday morning I finished a 24 hour take home essay exam. The question was pretty intense, depressing, and seemingly hopeless. I had to take breaks and read verses from Revelation 21 such as:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (vs 3-5)

Those verses usually serve as a good reminder that this world as we know it, with its pain and hurt and sorrow will pass away and people wont be fleeing the janjawaneed forever. That's such good news.

On a lighter note, some of my friends and I went skating down by city hall last night and it was really fun. I didn't actually bring my skates but went for the company, and it turned out that I got to have some really fantastic conversation with Drew, one of the guys who lives at the Abbey. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk about history and development and politics with people who weren't in my program and therefore had a different perspective, but one that wasn't so extremely opposite as mine. It was interesting, because I found myself less of a crazy-leftist-hippie and gave some respect to the more economically conservative side of things. I think that was a moment of progress for me. He seems to have more opportunity to think about positive things with his degree. I, on the other hand, find myself so often nearly debilitated by what we study because it's never positive. I think the only positive spin we've had on development is my development theory course - and even then we body-slammed neoclassical economics and Adam Smith. Crazy Marxist profs!

why development-lovers are so often not God lovers

And people wonder why its hard for me to talk about my faith with my classmates:

"I speak about the Christian religion, and no one need be astonished. The Church in the colonies is the white people's Church, the foreigner's Church. She does not call the native to God's ways but to the ways of the white man, of the master, of the oppressor. And as we know, in this manner many are called and few are chosen." -Franz Fanon, Wretched of the Earth p42

He's known as the author of the 'bible of decolonization' which really is all about how violence is the answer. My mom would disagree; she would always tell my brothers that violence isn't the answer.

sacrifice

Today after one of my classes (actually, my only class on Tuesday) we got to talking about plans for next year. A couple of the girls were mentioning some of the grad schools that they're applying to. As I was walking home I started to feel left out and in some ways kind of mourning the fact that I'm not going through this whole grad-school application process along with them. I'm not going to be able to sit around with them and complain/discuss their application papers that they're writing; I'm not going to be able to be a part of the academic world that they'll be pursuing next year. It makes me sad to think that I'm not going to be reading articles about political drama unfolding against the state in colonial Kenya next year. I'm not going to have that academic prestige that my friends are going to have.

I'm not doubting what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm not saying that I should change my plans just because I want to go to grad school. I want a lot of things, but it doesn't make it good or right for me. I know that I'm following the path that God is leading me on. I guess I'm realizing more and more the sacrifices that I will have to make in joining staff... like getting married. A lot of single women who join staff never get married, or don't get married until a lot later in life. Plus, I'm eventually going to have to tell my peers what I'm doing after school and risk them think I'm some religious colonizer who cares nothing for people's actual well-being and have this western imperialist agenda, rather than it being Christ's love that compels me to do this - cause if it were up to me I'd probably say 'let them live the consequences of the choices they make, even if it is in ignorance of a free life they could be living' and do my own thing @ grad school or wherever. That's going to be scary!

the world is broken.... but there is hope

As I'm writing this, my housemates are downstairs doing wedding hair. Angela spent the last three hours while the rest of us were listening to Romeo Dallaire talk about child soldiers doing Amanda's hair to see how she wants it done for her July wedding. They are blasting Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, so it's drifting up here to my room as my soundtrack. It's funny how we can be over here, working our 9-5 jobs, taking classes, celebrating new marriages, enjoying our friends' company, doing each others' hair in preparation for a wedding... that all of these things can go on so normally while all over the world the most horrific things are happening: children are being used as weapons, forced to take drugs and kill their families and rape their sisters and then kill more people in 'acts of genocide'.

Dallaire was a great speaker. He was really, really great. He made me think about things from another perspective that I haven't had in awhile. He made me believe that perhaps there is hope. With all this talk about child soldiers and genocide - I often think that there is no way we can figure any of this out, that people are so self-interested and disinterested. But when he spoke today, I thought that perhaps things could change. I got to thinking about some sort of research project that probably could work, I could do my masters in it or something. It's the answer to this question. I'll think about it.

missions

I'm writing a paper on missionaries in Africa during colonial times. I found this awesome quotation. It's so amazing how the missionaries REALLY screwed up with their racism, but God fixed their mess (well, wounds clearly remain, but He did at least show them that the missionaries had been going about things improperly, and to not pass judgement on Him). This was South Africa's Albert Luthuli in 1952:

How far is it not tragically true that these churches have become distorted symbols? How far is it not tragically true that they stand for and ethic which the whites have brought, preached and refused to practice? How far do these churches represent something alien from the spirit of Christ, a sort of patronizing social service? Do no many Christian ministers talk down to us instead of coming down among us as Christ did and does? White paternalistic Christianity – as though whites invented Christian faith – enstranges (sic) my people from Christ (p41, Power, Poverty & Prayer, by Ogbu u. Kalu).

God is good!

Best. Friday. Ever.

I don't know what really made tonight as the best friday ever, but it was. I didn't hate my french tutorial, my one-on-one with caitlyn went really well, DG was cool, I GOT TO NAP & eat & get to FnotR on time... and it was good. And I got to hang out with my friends and talk to someone I've been meaning to talk with for awhile, and then we went to DQ and i SAW SOMEONE GET A-FREAKING-RRESTED. Good times.

Actually, the arrest-ation process was awkward. I mean let's be serious, who really enjoys sitting in DQ, enjoying your pepsi with friends and then some drunk come in and be all obnoxious for THIRTY MINUTES and the staff don't call the police until the drunk PULLS A KNIFE on the other drunk. He put the knife away after putting it to the guy's face, but it was still pretty tense and awkward. We stayed there the whole time cause we were frankly a bit scared to even move! BUT THEN the cops storm into the place in all their HOT STRONG UNIFORM WEARING GLORY and tackle drunkie to the floor and cuff him and take him away. it was amazing and yeah... i like uniformed males.

AND THEN, because it was a pub-crawl and pretty sketch out in the hub we called walk home and i got walked home by two pretty neat people. And edward and i got talking about development and he gave me some pretty neat and well-timed (thank you God!) advice. "Tears don't solve the issues." Essentially.

AND THEN? my friend (who actually is a gift from God... I prayed that I would make some friends in my department - haha i sound like a loner - and I'm fairly good friends with this one girl) wrote about me in a facebook note about how I was a part of some of her most happy days in the last little while. How sweet is that? (everybody awwwwww). Life is good. I should go to bed.


Annnnnd for some You Tube fun.... check out the (very sketchy and lots of profanity) NWA lyrics here, and watch this dad real-time edit the song so its appropriate for children. Funny!!

thinking about my future

I really love languages. I love that I can sort of speak french (well, enough to get by) and I really want to start learning Spanish as well. Everyone says it'll be easy for me to learn because I already have a good handle on French and Spanish is easy to learn as it is. I was online looking at ways to easily pick up a language and came across these sites: How To Learn A Foreign Language, How I learned French in One Year, How To Learn A Language Quickly.

All this talk about learning languages made me wonder why I have been thinking so much about going on STINT to Tanzania and not more about spending a year on STINT in France like I had been thinking about last fall. I sort of had a mini-dillema: I had been thinking about spending a year in Tanz, telling people - planning etc, and now I'm reconsidering?? AGAIN? lol i change my mind SO MUCH, I really need to stay set on a decision.

So I was thinking about it: does it ultimately really matter what I do the year following University? My mini/vague rigid-stance-of-total-flexibility plan is to spend a year on STINT and then come back and join staff in Montreal for a couple years and then maybe go on to bigger and better things. It seemed like maybe it made better sense to spend a year in France getting a better handle on the language before I come back to Montreal. But, then I would be doing anything development related - well at least getting experience living in a 'developing' country. So I felt this sadness: do I follow my passion for Francophonie, or for development. Later on in life after I get more missions/development experience and a Masters in Int'l Dev I would like to perhaps teach Development @ a Missions seminary or something.

So in talking at Lydia for a couple seconds before she bailed on me for a better loved friend (joke) I figured it out. While spending the year in France would improve my speaking skills drastically, I can do the same in Montreal (sort of), but I can't get the year experience of living in Tanzania in France (obviously). Plus, there are a lot of students at schools like U de M from Cameroon and other French speaking African countries. So yeah... I figured out my own dillema I think. We'll see.

normal is scary.

I arrived at the Ottawa Via Rail station at 7 pm tonight and proceeded to talk my dad's ear off for three hours. After three hours of talking about everything that's going on in my life, all the decisions I have to make and all the responsibilities I have, course issues, and problems I'm facing, I came to one conclusion. One scary unexpected solution:

I'm not going to Uganda and probably wont do my 'development project' at all next summer. I realized that I was doign it all for the wrong reasons. I think I knew that when I applied in the beginning, but I never really came to a conclusion on it - or I didn't have the courage to not go ahead with the application. Yes, it is a matter of mustering the courage to decide not to go. Straying from the norm is so weird for me. It's so natural for me to go all over the world doing all these random things, and I think I like that idea of me. I think I like that person more than I really like myself in some ways. But if I were to go, I would go because it's what people expect of me (or what I think they expect of me), I would go because I expect it of me, I would go to impress people. I'm just not ok with those reasons and those as my motives. It just feels wrong, all wrong.

I really believe there's something I need to be here in Canada, namely Kingston for. I don't know what yet, I just know that in the last two hours since I realized that I shouldn't/don't really want to go to Uganda, I've felt so much peace about it. Sure it would be a great experience, but it's an experience I could get later on in life.

It's going to be hard to tell people. Especially the people in my program and everyone else i've been bragging to, because people will think i'm afraid to go - and i am a little - but i'm not bailing because I can't handle it. Challenge is good. I just wish I had more concrete things to tell people, something more than my weird new-age answer 'I just feeeeeel that there's something else out there for me." Sometimes I'm so crazy.

heart of darkness

I just finished reading an article for Advanced Theroies of Development. My exam is on wednesday and I haven't had an exam since last tuesday morning. So i've been relaxing and slowly catching up on my readings for the class. The article I just read was on ecological imperialism and was quite interesting. Actually it was a chapter of a book by John Bellamy Foster entitled The Vulnerable Planet. It was pretty interesting, but more than that it was pretty darn depressing.

By the end of the chapter, my eyes were welling up and I had a disturbed frown on my face. One of the first things that got me was its discussion of the dirty industrialization that was occurring in the Soviet bloc and Asia that led to some pretty serious health problems for the people.

"So much contamination by chemical wastes had been dumped into the drinking water supply that mothers in the Aral region cannot breast-feed their babies without running the risk of poisoning them" (p100, The Vulnerable Planet by JB Foster).

A mother cannot take part in the wonderful bonding experience of breast-feeding, something that is biologically supposed to be there to offer further nourishment and health protection, because of the political situation. Because the government wants to - needs to - try and develop a comparative advantage against the other economies (cause let's be serious, no one else's developed on naturally as a result of market forces). Because of imperialism, because of capitalism, because of colonialism.

The second thing that really hit me was the bold faced admission of the US's goal in Vietnam: to create refugees, which would give the US physical control over the peasantry via "defoliation" (the euphamism for ecological warfare/ecocide). Does anyone else see the systemic racism in this? The absolute hatred of people? Where will the lust for power end?

I seriously want to vomit right now. The greed, people. The dirty, grimy, smelly, scummy greed. The lust for more, the passionate desire making our chests beat faster for money. For power. For validation.

And I can see myself in all of this. I can see my own selfishness. My own lust for validation, for status. I will forget everything and everyone around me to study because I want to be considered smart. I want to be considered important. But I have people around me to remind me that there's more to life than school. That there is eternity to think about.

Where are the people in the lives of all these other powerful men who make these decisions that end the lives of so many. Who's whispering in their ears saying "there's more to life than all of this?"

Because ultimately, they might get what they search for in their lifetime at the expense of everyone else around them. But they will die. Game over. Who's going to tell them that?