Isaiah was kind of smart

Several months ago I had a conversation with Lydia in which she told me that unless I was sure I was "called" to join staff with C4C, I wouldn't make it through MPD.

She was right. 

Today I was perusing Facebook and found out that one of my floor-mates from residence in first year is now attending Yale for grad school. This added to the pang of jealousy I felt when I found out two of my classmates are now at Oxford for grad school. Yale! Oxford! 

Being so tired of MPD, it's easy to wish that I had spent less time at C4C during my undergrad and more time on my studies; it's easy to wish that I had made the time to actually have a decent average, not an embarrassingly poor one; it's easy to wish I had gone on to something prestigious and intellectual, too. 

If I didn't know that I was meant to go to Montreal, I'd probably be seriously thinking about giving up right now.... and I haven't even been doing MPD for all that long. It's pretty embarrassing (and sad) that my heart is so quick to want to jump ship. 

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you. 

Isaiah 26:3

Jessica W, BAH

I graduated yesterday. I was pretty surprised with how emotional I was. There was this great moment when everyone stood and clapped for us. I nearly starred sobbing. Finally we were getting the recognition we deserved, I deserved. I kept waving off any words of affirmation previously, but when the whole room stood up to congratulate us on all our hard work and perseverance I got all emotional. Yes, I worked hard and put up with a lot of secular academic bs on order to get my degree. It was nice to see people acknowledging the dedication it takes to not quit. I'm not saying that school was all that her; it wasn't. But school + ministry + having a life = hard work at times. I could have had really good marks had my life been only about school. I chose to have a balance and learning how to balance was a challenge. So now I am a university graduate. It's kind of spiffy sounding. I like it! Jessica W, BAH.

funny quote from my prof just now

"University of Nanterre was hideous. Now I haven't seen it, but I've
been told it looks a lot like York"

Chronicles of the semi-all-nighter essay writing extravaganza

5:09 am
So I have this paper for my Globalization & Cities in the South (Global South = the non obsolete term for 'Third World" or a more PC form of 'developing countries') due at 4:00 pm today. You might note the ridiculous hour this was published at. It's currently 5:19 am. I spent all Friday and Saturday in the library doing research for this paper, all sunday at church/cleaning my house/entertaining guests of fellow student-friends staying in Kingston for easter. It was very good times. I went to bed at 10:30 (didn't fall asleep until about 12 thanks to a coke i had around 8-9) and woke up at 3 to start writing this paper. START. It's 15 pages. did I mention it's due at 4. So, in order to facilitate a mind-break every so often I am going to chronicle the adventure that is this paper writing expereiennce. Yes. that's how i spelled experience. I tried to change it like 4 times but i decided to leave it as raw evidence that my essay will be horrifie. i mean horrific.

So, since 3am I have written: 2 pages (which isn't too bad, but i'll def have to step it up to at least 1.5 pages an hour), had 1 hot-cross bun, one cup of hot chocolate, one slice of left-over SO YUMMY ham (shout out to NA people who are tragically ham-less this Easter... hmm, perhaps what is more tragic than not having ham is being a few of a handful of Christians in the country. sigh.), 1 slice of rye bread. 1 advil, which by the way, wasn't quite enough.

6:13 am
Can I just say that Honey Ginseng Green tea is really weird tasting with 2 spoons of sugar. like .... SUGAR CITY. woot page 5! go jess! 10 more to go and I have about 8 hours.

7:50 am
So far this has been the best essay writing experience I've had under the circumstances (read: of this year). Somehow, I managed to pick the perfect (creepy - i just wrote 'perfect' as my music said 'perfect') volume of music, and the perfect (ugh it happened again!) music. A friend lent me his New Pornographers CDs specifically to listen to for essay writing. So far this one is one of my favourites. Also, I'm currently drinking green tea. Like the colour green. (the last tea was so abysmal, especially as it cooled, that I abandoned it quickly). We have a huge bottle of mint Torani so I decided to try some with English Breakfast Tea. It's weird. Makes my tongue feel all minty tho. That's fun. OK essay writing,..... also, that HAM IS SO GOOD. (on page 9/15)

10:00 am
12/15 pages and I still haven't written my intro or conclusion. This rocks! I might even get to nap and shower. I almost said nap & sleep ha. Ok, so that tea was ROTTON. I abandoned that one too. I'm such a waster! But it was seriously heinous. I've switched the music to MIA now. Hussel, jess!

12:00
DONE. 8 hours 15 pages. I'm kind of a big deal. My house smells like rich mahogany. I own many leather bound books. no seriously, Jesus made this paper happen.... and Mandy who did some of my research for me and gave me the idea on Friday at 4:00 pm haha. so nuts.

apathy?

the 3 weeks of classes I have left seem like infinity. I have 2 big important essays due next week and 2 tests the week after. In the mean time it's integral that I keep up on my readings and I only have time to keep on top of the readings. This is the life of an arts student. It's so frustrating because I just get so tired and lose all motivation. I have readings to do for my 8:30-11:30 seminar tomorrow, where I'm marked on my participation (I've said one thing all year) and I'm so tired. I can convince myself of anything when I'm tired like this - for example, skipping my class tomorrow seems very, very inviting. I did that last week tho! I'm pretty frustrated with myself. I'm really bad at self-motivating right now. I know I'm going to get through it somehow - at least this weekend is Easter and I'm not going home... so I'll have plenty of time to work on my papers (and celebrate!).

It's just buckling down and doing things, rather than thinking about doing them that is always always always my struggle. Hmm... did anyone else (female) notice something about the 'always' in italics? That's also my problem this week haha. tmi, i know.

In other news, I think I've decided to make my blog less public. There's a feature to make this invite-only, and so I will invite the ppl I know read this. If you don't get an invite, don't take it personally I just probably don't realize you read it. This is mostly because a)that was the whole reason I came back to blogging in the first place as is stated here (warning, really weird picture of me - may cause blindness) and b) I had a dream last night that someone contacted me and told me that their kids were reading my blog and getting mixed signals about something... i don't really remember but he implied he was upset and I was being a bad example! awkward. Anyways, I don't doubt it!

on stubbornness

In the last few days I've been realizing how stubborn I am and how this has been really affecting my life in the last little while. The lethal combination has really been my stubbornness + laziness + selfishness. I realized last night that my stubbornness is the reason that I've done pretty poorly in several of my classes last year - especially (ESPECIALLY) my french classes. I hate learning french in class; i'm terrible at it. My grammar could make small children run away screaming in horror and in ugly pain. Profs put on sackcloth and ashes. I'm just bad at it! I learn best by being immersed in the language. And so class after class it's a fight between my moral self and my stubborn self in getting me to actually go to my class. Last year Kathryn and I skipped a lot of our french classes because I could always justify to myself reasons I should get out of them. As a result of that, I vowed that I wouldn't take any more french classes because its kind of a waste of my time and money. And yet, somehow, I'm enrolled in 2 this semester.

I did this because I figure I should make an effort to learn french since I hope to move to Quebec in the fall. But last night when I realized my only classes are french classes today, my heart stiffened and I was dead set in my attitude of not wanting to go. I know intellectually I should keep up with these classes. One is an oral course, and the other is Genres of Quebecois Literature. I just don't think I have the fight in me to force myself to go to the second one. But the other problem is finding a course that fits that wont make me totally annoyed at cynical 'academic' discourse.

Another way my stubbornness has reared her fiercely ugly head is in my stupid hate for grocery shopping. I actually don't even really hate it much. I even have time and access to a vehicle to make it easier. I just will always inevitably put it off until I'm left spending too much money on campus feeding my laziness. I need self-discipline!

fall & homecoming

Fall is here. I know not because the leaves are turning mesmerizing colours and crunching under my feet. I know not because it became crisp and cool all of a sudden; not because its midterm season or homecoming is here. I know because I can feel it in my spirit - it's hovering over kingston. It feels lonely and sick. I am happy; I love fall, but I always forget that it feels like this. I know I'm not crazy cause I mentioned this to my housemate today and she totally understood. I'm dealing ok with things now. I'm managing. Midterms are coming and will probably kick my ass, but I will pass and it will be ok.

It's homecoming weekend and the football game was a lot of fun as per usual. I went despite feelings of guilt, knowing I should be studying. But there's something about the half-time show, with graduates from '37 driving by in golf carts that really gets me! Tonight is the 'famous' Aberdeen street party and when I walked by it at 7:30 it was already covered in cops. It was ridiculous. I've never seen so many officers ever in my life. If I didn't know better, I would think we were being occupied by another country, or something reminiscent of FLQ-styles sketchiness. It's really sad how our student population treats the community and the police. They're trying to keep things safe and we call them pigs. People are stupid.

Happy fall! Don't get SAD.

sacrifice

Today after one of my classes (actually, my only class on Tuesday) we got to talking about plans for next year. A couple of the girls were mentioning some of the grad schools that they're applying to. As I was walking home I started to feel left out and in some ways kind of mourning the fact that I'm not going through this whole grad-school application process along with them. I'm not going to be able to sit around with them and complain/discuss their application papers that they're writing; I'm not going to be able to be a part of the academic world that they'll be pursuing next year. It makes me sad to think that I'm not going to be reading articles about political drama unfolding against the state in colonial Kenya next year. I'm not going to have that academic prestige that my friends are going to have.

I'm not doubting what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm not saying that I should change my plans just because I want to go to grad school. I want a lot of things, but it doesn't make it good or right for me. I know that I'm following the path that God is leading me on. I guess I'm realizing more and more the sacrifices that I will have to make in joining staff... like getting married. A lot of single women who join staff never get married, or don't get married until a lot later in life. Plus, I'm eventually going to have to tell my peers what I'm doing after school and risk them think I'm some religious colonizer who cares nothing for people's actual well-being and have this western imperialist agenda, rather than it being Christ's love that compels me to do this - cause if it were up to me I'd probably say 'let them live the consequences of the choices they make, even if it is in ignorance of a free life they could be living' and do my own thing @ grad school or wherever. That's going to be scary!

And it begins

Today marks the first day of my final year at university. It's so strange to think that I wont be here next fall. My life has been pretty crazy since I finished work and last posted. There was half a week of pre-frosh week organizing, I went on a Servant Team retreat which was fun, and then had an insane week last week doing frosh week stuff. Basically we just spent as much time as we could letting the frosh know that Campus for Christ existed if they wanted to join. We handed out free packages (real life kits) that had a new testament, a book, a pillowcase (?) and a highlighter. Random about the pillow case... We still have a rat and a squirrel that seem to be immune to rat poison. I have a huge stack of over 100 contacts that we gleaned from frosh week sitting on my desk waiting to be followed up on. I went to my only class so far today (AIDS, Power and Poverty) and tidied my living room, and got a bit of my life together this afternoon.

But as I write this I'm so so nervous. I'm so so anxious. I'm looking at this pile of contacts wondering if they'll actually be contacted by the people I've asked to do it. I'm thinking about my classes and wondering if I'll be able to balance my school work and the amount of time I'm going to need to spend discipling women this year. I'm wondering if I'll fail and drop the ball and leave 130 women who have reached out in one way or another to C4C for information, or friendship, or fellowship, or learning. Will I be able to live up to my own expectations for myself? Probably not. I'm not going to be able to do all this. But, what I do know is that God has been answering my prayers like never before (or at least like I never noticed before). And He's going to provide for all of my needs, and for all of the needs of C4C and the women in it.

Being women's ministry coordinator kind of feels like I'd imagine it would feel like being a mom. You pray for your children, you encourage them, teach them, challenge them, rebuke them, and love them. Now try that for ..... 50-80 women. That's pretty crazy! I'm so glad that God cares about all of their needs more than I do. Because I will inevitably drop the ball, and He'll be there to catch it just after I relax my hands.

missions

I'm writing a paper on missionaries in Africa during colonial times. I found this awesome quotation. It's so amazing how the missionaries REALLY screwed up with their racism, but God fixed their mess (well, wounds clearly remain, but He did at least show them that the missionaries had been going about things improperly, and to not pass judgement on Him). This was South Africa's Albert Luthuli in 1952:

How far is it not tragically true that these churches have become distorted symbols? How far is it not tragically true that they stand for and ethic which the whites have brought, preached and refused to practice? How far do these churches represent something alien from the spirit of Christ, a sort of patronizing social service? Do no many Christian ministers talk down to us instead of coming down among us as Christ did and does? White paternalistic Christianity – as though whites invented Christian faith – enstranges (sic) my people from Christ (p41, Power, Poverty & Prayer, by Ogbu u. Kalu).

God is good!

new things

It's a new year, a new semester. I like the idea of new seasons, opportunities to start over and make things right again. It's like January is a time of forgiveness, where all things done the previous year are forgotten and ammends are made. I started writing this earlier today, before I started to second guess myself.

I hate mornings. Well, mornings aren't bad in themselves. Mornings are fine as long as I'm sleeping through them. I hate the prospect of being in class in the morning. I like the way the sun hits the buildings with that burnt orange colour as its rising... but mornings are not my friend. And you know, I don't even know if its the morning that I hate so much, or the lack of sleep that comes with the morning. Perhaps if I went to bed earlier I wouldn't hate mornings so much - but that would require me missing out on the social action here at Chateau William and I don't think I could handle that. I hate being on the outside; I'm always looking for an in.

I second guess myself a lot. Earlier today I was stoked for my oral french class. Excited that I'll be able to finally speak better french by the end of the semester. But now I look at my schedule and realize that I'm going to have to wake up *before* 8 on tuesdays, and at 9am wednesdays and fridays. I know, I know, I'm pathetic for whining - if you want you could even throw at me the argument that girls around the world would LOVE to have the opportunity to even go to school at all. And I'm whining. Whatever. I hate mornings. And I'm seriously considering dropping that french class because it will be a challenge. And not only will it be a challenge, I'll have to get up early in the morning and I will be bitter in it and at it.

I mentioned dropping the class to Lydia and she replied: "since when you do back down from a challenge?"

You'd think that I was tough and like challenge. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it doesn't bother me and I'm just like "whatever, let's do this thang" but there are many times when I bail, many times when I step aside and let an opportunity pass me by. My apathy will allow me to look back with no regret and smile to myself because I just made my life a little easier. I shouldn't live my life always attempting to make it easier. But, hey! Sometimes easy is nice.

normal is scary.

I arrived at the Ottawa Via Rail station at 7 pm tonight and proceeded to talk my dad's ear off for three hours. After three hours of talking about everything that's going on in my life, all the decisions I have to make and all the responsibilities I have, course issues, and problems I'm facing, I came to one conclusion. One scary unexpected solution:

I'm not going to Uganda and probably wont do my 'development project' at all next summer. I realized that I was doign it all for the wrong reasons. I think I knew that when I applied in the beginning, but I never really came to a conclusion on it - or I didn't have the courage to not go ahead with the application. Yes, it is a matter of mustering the courage to decide not to go. Straying from the norm is so weird for me. It's so natural for me to go all over the world doing all these random things, and I think I like that idea of me. I think I like that person more than I really like myself in some ways. But if I were to go, I would go because it's what people expect of me (or what I think they expect of me), I would go because I expect it of me, I would go to impress people. I'm just not ok with those reasons and those as my motives. It just feels wrong, all wrong.

I really believe there's something I need to be here in Canada, namely Kingston for. I don't know what yet, I just know that in the last two hours since I realized that I shouldn't/don't really want to go to Uganda, I've felt so much peace about it. Sure it would be a great experience, but it's an experience I could get later on in life.

It's going to be hard to tell people. Especially the people in my program and everyone else i've been bragging to, because people will think i'm afraid to go - and i am a little - but i'm not bailing because I can't handle it. Challenge is good. I just wish I had more concrete things to tell people, something more than my weird new-age answer 'I just feeeeeel that there's something else out there for me." Sometimes I'm so crazy.

to don or not to don?

So I'm applying to be a residence don for next academic year. Although I'm no longer sure why. It seems that when I make assumptions about my future & it comes time to actually make them happen, I start seriously questioning, "why am I doing this?" I think it's a good thing, in some ways because it prevents me from going into things blindly or habitually.

But in questioning "why am I doing this?" I couldn't find an answer. I don't know if I want to be a don because it means making changes in my life that I'm not sure I want to make. It will require me to be less selfish and frankly, being selfish is comfortable. It means that I have to make decisions right now about how I want to spend my time & maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'll save me from selling my soul to C4C. For once I've been living in a Christian bubble, and it's comfortable. I'm always the one that's against going to Christian Universities because it's not like the real world, and here I am wanting to stay in the non-real world. I dunno, I just already feel like my life is so busy right now. Adding something else means taking away/neglecting other things.

I guess first years need an example of a person who believes in God & isn't a complete loser. And frosh Christians need a support-base. And I need to learn to be less selfish.... something God has really been hitting home the last couple of days. Just how selfish and proud I am.

woo! devs

I seriously love my program. SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY. Sometimes I get really depressed, it's true. Sometimes it makes me cry because I'm being educated on the secular evidence of a broken broken world. The depths of the darkness, the ignorance, the sinisterness of the hearts of individuals is really evident in the world of development. It gets hard to learn about it and feels so alone when you know you're one individual and can't possibly break down the structures and attitudes of violence that is such a a part of our world.

But today, walking out of my midterm for Financial Architecture of Development, I felt so passionate about what I do. Sure, it's been a lot of review up until this point, and sure, sometimes its hard. But it's worth it. It's worth understanding the world in a way not many do. I just take so much joy in it. I think that's partly because I'm realizing that I'm not stupid at it. That I'm realizing that I'm starting to understand how to deconstruct the arguments, that I'm acquiring enough knoweldge about these situations that I can see problems with the issues before I'm taught them.

I seriously wanted to start writing papers for fun. FOR FUN. I want to write books about development and how these things should matter to the general populace. Because they do matter. Man, I wish I knew what my future held for me.

So this year I'm the publicity coordinator for the club that I'm quite heavily involved in. So I guess I'm also responsible for that UGLY UGLY website. But the template was free and it was easily put together by a friend who knows a bit about this stuff. It really drives me crazy that we have an ugly website, but we have no one to take care of it now - which is the story of this club's life!

I sort of expected to be murdered by publicity this year, but things have been going well so far. We're in the middle of a campaign to publicize a debate this upcoming tuesday and I think things are running smoothly. I'm sure something will screw up eventually. Classes have been going well for the most part. I have a midterm next week and a short essay proposal due on monday, but I think things will work out ok. While balance isn't exactly my forté, it's all working out. I think it's because I've gotten used to being ok with not having things perfect. The website is a great example: it's ugly. But the people who have never seen a functional website for CFC are thrilled with it. It's functional so I guess it does its job. I personally would like to see something not so hideous and retina mutilating, but I don't have the resources for that right now. So I settle. Sometimes settling is so, so convenient!