from sea to shining sea (where will I be?)

I'm writing this at 6:30 pm (BC time) May 16. I'm scheduling to have this published at 5pm BC time May 17 when I'm allowed to inform the world of where I'll be going. I did this because at this time I should be at "Len's" place for supper & for an evening swim. I have to say, one of the highlights of MET has been to get to know the president of my organization better. What strikes me the most about him is his humility. He makes it very clear how he has lived a life that so many of us in the organization strive to live -- but that he turned away from this lifestyle for 7 years. He saw so many incredible things done by God in his life, yet he turned away. It takes a lot to be honest about that. I'm looking forward to going to his place. Oh right, I'm here to tell you where my placement is! I guess I'll stop leaving you hanging. Montreal, here I come! 

moment of truth

Today I got an envelope with my name on it. It told me where I'll be going once my support raising is finished. However, I cannot tell you where I'm going until tomorrow evening. We're supposed to not talk about it for 24 hours in order for us to process the information if it's not where we were expecting. I think this is a good rule, even if some people are skeptical about it.

In the envelope was a letter from the director of Campus for Christ, and another envelope with my placement information in it. I cannot explain to you how fast my heart beat as I read that letter and opened the envelope. 

unexpected & undeserved

kevin (my mom's new husband) came by today @ my dad's to pick up his trailer that we had used to move my stuff from Kingston back here. As he was hooking it up to the SUV I thanked him for helping move me. His reply was something along the lines of "well, you've worked hard all these 4 years, and you deserve it" or something like that. "Someday," he said, "you'll have a good job. You might have to wait awhile, but someday it will all pay off." I knew by his tone that he wasn't making a jab at me joining staff, but I wasn't sure what he meant. I figured he meant "good job" meant "pays well". But then, he said "I've found mine, even though it doesn't pay well, but I have a lot of freedom." 

Ok... so then he's not talking about money. Not really sure what he was referring to then, I said, "Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never have a 'good paying' job, but that's ok." 

And then he said the shocking things. "Well, Jess, there are not many people who would do what you're doing. I'm sure that you will be paid back for the good work you're doing. I don't really know much about how this all works, but God will reward you for this Christian work you're doing." 

I didn't know what to say. 

"And it says something about your character, too. At your age I don't know if I would have done that. I did want to help people but it was still all about me, you know?" 

Again, I didn't know what to say, so I just said a weak "yeah."

It says something about your character. I can't believe Kevin of all people referred to my character. Kevin -- THE person I have waged war against in my heart these last six years; the person I have had more hateful feelings towards, the person I have resented the most. While I have worked through these negative emotions and attitudes and while God has changed my heart about Kevin, I still do not -- and will never -- deserve him speaking about my character in a positive way. 

and then I log on to post this, and this

and it begins

Yesterday I finished my last exam. Assuming I've passed all my courses, I'm finished my degree! So now I'm focusing on putting the last pieces together while I'm here in Kingston for another week. I'm finishing sending out support letters for MET, writing a women's ministry transition report, hanging out with people, staying up late watching the Daily Show & Colbert Report, hanging out with people, making gifts, taking pictures, praying for exams, and reading!

Like I mentioned the other day, I got an email from a man at church who has indicated he and his wife are interested in knowing about my support process. It was so random and encouraging to me! And then I just heard a story from my friend Kathryn who is doing STINT in France next year with a US team that she was talking to a friend & her friend said she'd like to support her -- even though she and her friend haven't kept in contact at all the last few years, and her friend isn't even a Christian.

Awhile ago I said I was looking forward to the support raising process because of all the cool stories I was hearing. While mine & kathryn's stories weren't as exciting and shocking as some of the ones I heard from Angela last summer, it seems to be the beginning of my cool stories!

this one's for you ang

Queen's C4C has a spring retreat every year. Usually we go to Camp IAWAH. They have this closet of dress up clothes that we got into. Look at the result:

FYI: that pink jumpsuit is 100% silk! SO AMAZING.

orthodoxy

so I was sitting in my seminar class (Globalization and Cities in the South) thinking about my prof's use of the word 'orthodoxy'. He used it in reference to the "World Bank doctrine" which is essentially the promulgation of the ideology free-market capitalism through the "third world development" perspective, making markets more easily accessed by western corporations while seeking to improve the living conditions of the people in the area. I will not comment on my opinion of this.

He then went on to describe the form of "development" which my program promotes: a rejection of this "orthodoxy" for more "organic" "grass-roots" development and then used a bunch more words that seemed more 'touchy feely' or even what I would call 'wishy washy'... it just doesn't seem to mean a whole lot when you think about it and try and put it on paper.

But "wishy washy" is the term I've used to explain some of my friends' more emergent perspectives. When they talk about things it seems to be evasive and not really a solid answer.... it dances around issues. It began to freak me out this connection I was making.... post-modernism and post-colonialism is producing people like my devs classmates who are proponents of relative truth and these more post-colonial(ish) perspectives on development. Post-modernism and the post-church movement have been producing people like a few of my friends, some of whom don't believe that the new testament is God-breathed or pretty much reject the way the Church is functioning right now (which isn't exactly stellar, i'll admit, but I would caution against throwing the baby out with the bath water) and they are trying something different.

orthodoxy and post-modernism. the "unholy trinity" of the world bank/imf/world trade organization and grassroots development. campus for christ and _. reformed theology and brian mclaren. these tensions have characterized my time at Queen's. It's kind of shocking and disturbing that I would compare C4C with the WB seeing as I have been indoctrinated to loath the WB. But there definitely are similarities:

• they are not afraid of being clear about what they are and what they aren't.
• they follow steps and trajectories that are clear and distinct
• they believe that if it works one place it will/can work everywhere
• they use the "excuse" that since they've been around since the 50s that gives them some weight or validity

this creeps me out! if this time next year I'm blogging about why the world bank is good and free-market capitalism is wonderful and facilities economic and social development through the trickle-down effect ... do us all a favour and finish me off. please.

slow changes in perspective

Last night I ended up finding the blog of a friend I went to Nepal with. He's back in Nepal with Word Made Flesh as a full-time missionary. As I was reading about his work on his blog, it reminded me of some of my old (and current, but dormant) perspectives on missions work.

I used to be way more socially conscious, way more into social justice. I used to cry all the time about poverty and the suffering in the world - and somehow I felt that that was a good judge of how compassionate I was. The more I studied these things and "fixing poverty" seemed more and more impossible I became pretty disillusioned. I think the turning point for a lot of my thoughts happened when I met up with the Hinzel in January, 2007. He said something that really shocked me and I remember thinking "is he really saying this?!" After asking me what I was doing right now to help solve the millions-of-orphans-in-the-world situation, and after I started talking about reaching leaders to change policy etc., he was like "it's more than just policy! Jesus said: 'You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me' (Matthew 26:11)." When he said this, I seriously thought he was crazy and was just very not socially-conscious or one of those right-wing republican americans. But as we continued the conversation, I realized that he wasn't crazy and his politics didn't matter.

I was afraid that the poor always being poor meant hopelessness. In devs at Queen's, it does. Never have they offered us a solution or even really a hope for a solution aside from Marxism, but let's be serious - as marxist as I used to be (ie: semi-marxist? or something?) - even I admit that Marxism is impossible and hopeless. It is an ideal that can only be achieved without sin, otherwise it will always break down into totalitarianism or pain of other sorts. So when Gregg said this about poverty, that it will always exist, I knew it must be true because Jesus said it, and I knew that because Jesus said it, I needed to come to terms with it.

What I found was that I need to focus my energies not on 'solving poverty' but ensuring those in poverty are able to live with purpose, joy and the abundant life that Jesus came to offer to us. This is part of the reason why I'm joining staff instead of working with an NGO. Do I feel less compassionate because I've decided to work with C4C rather than a more mercy-related mission organization like Word Made Flesh? Yes, actually I do. But I don't think that my decisions of what I should do with my life should be based on how they make me feel.

Anyways, I've been reflecting on how I am actually less development-minded and socially conscious coming out of my degree than going in. I think what I've realized is that social justice is really incredible and wonderful and part of God's plan extend grace and mercy to people, but right now I need to be mobilizing people to make disciples.

exciting news

So I made the decision on Wednesday. I sent the email to C4C HR saying I would joyfully accept my position on staff. I know I was thinking otherwise for a little while, but I realized I was being stubborn in not accepting, but also I was feeling really disobedient when I had been seriously considering doing anything else.

I had been having breakfast with a girl at C4C that I had never met up with before. We were supposed to be talking about her being in a DG, but it turned into so much more. At the end of breakfast I walked away thinking about all the incredible experiences God has brought me through and comforted me during when I felt so alone. Now I have the opportunity to do the same to others, to reach out and build into women and get paid for it. I knew as I walked home that this was what I was made to do - to open up, be honest, to challenge and say hard things, and to watch people grow and turn around and do the same with others. So exciting!

And then this morning I was at my home church for the first time in probably more than 6 months. My pastor announced that I would be joining staff and I was so surprised by such a warm welcome from everyone. They were so proud and interested in what I would be doing. It made me feel a lot more comfortable about Ministry Partnership Development (MPD = fundraising), knowing that I was the only full-time missionary the church has pretty much ever raised up, and someone who they've watched grow up for the last 12 years. I'm kind of looking forward to it (although that post is a little outdated in what I was working towards haha).

Thanks to all those people who endured my mind changes every hour it seemed (specific shout outs to Angela & Lydia).

dumb things: the week of nov 25-dec 1

So this weekend I've said and done some pretty stupid and embarrassing things. I'll let you in to my really embarrassing and stupid wold. I think I've decided that this is going to be an ongoing series documenting my stupidity for your entertainment.

Thursday night, as I mentioned in my last post, the ST girls were making cookies for the guys. It was supposed to be a surprise, so when I blurted out in excitement at the ST meeting "Ooh! I have the recipes!" and Mathias asks, "What are you making?" I reply with what I think is a covert answer: "Love. We're making love." And then Amanda chimes in equally oblivious to what has been said, "And I'm bringing the music!" haha so awkward and funny. I really need to learn to think before I speak.

Saturday night we stayed at Lydia's, and I got to experience the excitement that is going to the washroom underneath a skylight, which is SO SKETCH by the way. Sarah totally freaked me out and threw pennies at me through this hole in the wall and I thought someone was dropping money on me from the skylight. I was soooo freaked/sketched out, I thought someone was watching me pee. But no one was there. Whew. I realize it's really really dumb to think that money is dropping from a skylight, but who can think rationally when thinking they're being watched whilst relieving themselves?

Early Saturday morning Julia and I were sleeping on Andy and Loni's air mattress at lydia's place and the thing has a bit of a leak. By early morning she and I were struggling not to do the awkward touch-each-other-while-sleeping thing but its really hard at this point because the air is slowly leaving the mattress and we're sinking towards the middle. Half asleep, I kind of realize that this is not worth the struggle and so I roll over and spoon Julia. In the morning she tells me that at the time I had said to her, "Just embrace it." As I became the big spoon. lol man, I should be locked up.

I was just reminded of another stupid moment that I had while reading for a class. One of my readings was called "Clapp: Africa, NGOs, and the Waste Trade" and I thought to myself, "What the heck does an STD have to do with NGOs and the trade of toxic waste?!" And then I realised that "Clapp" wasn't in reference to an STD, but the surname of the author.

conviction!

This weekend was a really wonderful weekend for me. It started Thursday night. As a DG the servant team girls decided to bake Christmas goodies and send them around to some of the guys houses to show our appreciation for them. I really enjoy baking and so it was lots of fun for me. It was probably one of my favourite memories of the semester. Then Friday night at our weekly meeting with C4C, the worship team had 3 violinists, a fiddle, a cello, guitar, piano and Sarah (my housemate) and I sang with Kathryn. It was so fun! Stringed instruments bring such joy to my heart. Then Saturday, Julia, Sarah and I drove to Montreal in the afternoon and went to a Stars concert. Before we got to hang out with Andy and Loni (staff in MTL) and chat with them for a bit, which was really great. Lydia, the girls and I went to the concert and met some other staff in MTL (Heather and Brad) and then enjoyed the concert together. It was soooooooooo good. Like sooooo amazing. I really enjoyed it. It totally made me love their music that much more (and I was already listening to it every day).

Sunday morning Lydia and I went out to breakfast and it was really helpful. She said something to me that didn't really blow my mind that much when she first said it, but as I was thinking about it later on when I was doing my devo, I was like "Wow, this is so true." I'm kind of surprised I didn't think of it earlier because I know its a verse she quotes a lot:

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
(Jeremiah 17:9)

I was convicted by this because I know that I've been listening to my own desires of where I'd like to go in the future. Just because I'm weary and sick of campus ministry right now doesn't mean that God isn't calling me there. So I was convicted about that. I've become stubborn and really not wanting to join staff because I know it will be hard and I'll have to draw on this lesson of endurance that God has been teaching me this semester. So after this conversation with her I'm more back on track to accepting my acceptance, but I probably wont make the decision officially until after Winter Conference. At this point, I imagine I will accept, but I just want to be in a completely normal frame of reference when I do it. Plus, it's just scary to actually make a commitment right now for my future.

normaler

So, things are better. Not normal, but better than before. Tonight at the weekly C4C meeting I shared my testimony, in all its awkward-for-the-guys-ness. I was really challenged by God to be completely honest about everything that has happened in my life because he has healed me and changed me. This is how I started it off:

We’ve just heard some pretty amazing stories of how God has been working in these people’s lives. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, especially in the last few weeks. This semester has been so weird for me. Usually I love my program – I’m studying Global Development Studies – as depressing as the program is, I usually enjoy it. But I’ve been here struggling through the semester, hating my classes, wanting my degree to be over and done with, just trying to get through each day. God kept exhorting me to press on, to persevere, to be steadfast. But day after day as I had to force myself to do readings about things that seem like such a waste of my existence (remind me WHY we’re questioning if child prostitution is wrong?); day after day doing things I love like discipling my girls, leading my DG, going to Servant Team meetings, coming here and hanging out with you guys; day after day, wondering when I’d be able to relax, have real fun. In some ways I lived for those hours on Sunday afternoon when Brittany would be discipling me and when I would not have to be a leader, I wouldn’t have to represent C4C, when I could just be me, my totally obnoxious, weird, mom-joke-telling self.

In the last few weeks everything has come to halt and I’ve had to ask myself, why am I doing this again? Why am I going to all ends of my sanity to build into people, to share my life, to make hard decisions, to risk my friendships with people for the sake of the truth, and to see my marks seriously suffer. As I reflected on this I knew exactly why: because God has done a hugely amazing transformative mind-blowing, i-can’t-believe-its-not-butter work in my life.

It's true, though. God has changed me through and through. I was able to talk about sketchy things in my deep past as if it was someone else's story, because in a way it is no longer my story; the old has gone the new has come. This past week, in a way, has been good for me to reflect on how amazing God is, and how good he is to me, no matter what I go through.

this is part of my conclusion:

This is why I go out. This is why I spend my time doing what I do. Because God loves me and he went to extreme lengths to save me in my wretchedness. I go out and risk and sacrifice because I was one of those people, I still am one of those people who needs God so desperately. I go out because I love my God and he has been so good to me. I go out because people need to hear this beautiful news, this story of love, of compassion, of sacrifice, of freedom, of redemption, of mercy, of grace, of joy and life to its full.... I just can’t explain to you in words how good God has been to me and how much I love him. How much his word is so true and I see it working out in my life. It’s why my life verse is 1 Thessalonians 2:8: We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

I have nothing to brag about, except for Christ’s work in me. So I go out knowing only this: that I was so dead in my sin, but now I’m so very alive in Christ.

Hmm, so yeah. God is good to me!

my pride is killing me

I realized this morning I have a lot of healing to do. The Lord gave me his Joy this weekend which covered over my hurt, but I knew that I still had things to process. Now that I've finished my last paper and have a few days mental break to process this stuff, the floodgates have opened.

I got call last night from Marilyn saying I've been accepted to staff. Before you congratulate me, I need to explain to you the reasons I've asked her to put my acceptance on hold. I was honest with her about my recent bout of cynicism, and she said Ginny had mentioned to her about some other issues I was working through earlier in the year. I ended up talking to Marilyn about a lot of the difficulties that we've been having at C4C this year and how I need to process them before I accept. Right now I'm not in the right place to make the decision. In fact, the last few weeks - before I was even in this cynical state - I felt like God was starting to change my direction a bit. I felt like he was showing me that I have more of a heart for francophonie than C4C. He's showing me that I may not know what else to do, but there's this whole other world out there and it will be such an adventure that He'll take me on no matter where I go. I just need to trust.

This morning, I've been thinking about this stuff. I've been crying essentially the whole morning thinking about the things I need to process and do. Praise the Lord for him putting people in my life who can relate, who have solid enough theology to be able to point to me and tell me I'm living a gospel that says Christ's work is insufficient. It IS sufficient. God loves us so much and we can never add to His love by the things we do.

So, in my thinking, crying, processing, I've realized that I do have so many wounds that I've been too proud to deal with. I have so many semesters of debatable self-violence in the name of ministry that I need to be done with. I need some serious gospel truth... it's the only thing that heals me. Praise God for taking care of me though. Without him I'd be surely dead. I know I sound really sketchy and depressed right now. I'm just in it right now (reference to Garden State, anyone?) The Lord is my shepherd and I am not in want. He has taken me to this place, time and time again, but I have been to proud to admit that I need help. I'm admitting that I need help. Marilyn tipped Ginny off to my need to talk, and so Ginny and I are going to have a phone date... probably a very tearful one at that.

So, please pray for me as I process this. I know its really vague, and for some of you I will elaborate if you would like, just email me (Ang & Lyd). This has a lot of implications on the decision I make about my future and so it's actually something I need to take seriously, even if people don't think its serious. As a new friend has told me over and over again this past week, I need to take care of myself.

(wo)man over board

I don't recall ever being this cynical and bitter in all my days. I feel like I'm at a point of no return, although I know I can. It's not that my love for God has changed, that's still the same. I still love his Word so much. There are just... other things. I don't feel I should necessarily share here because, well, I'm already in a bad place, I can't imagine me letting my emotions flow onto the page is really going to produce uplifting, inspiring, edifying words. I guess I would say I'm suffering from C4C syndrome haha. That's not a very nice thing to call it, but it's all I got. And at a prayer meeting tonight He gave me this:

"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

And this one came to me now: "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:15. It's nice to know He's still taking care of me when I'm a giant loser. I guess that's Romans 5:8 in play: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I love seeing scripture come to life.

unusual things that happened this week

• I felt more comfortable telling my hijab-wearing muslim friend about what I was doing after school and that I felt God leading me there, than telling my agnostic classmates
• someone emailed us @ C4C and asked us if they could do a documentary on us because they're confused at who we are/what our mandate is.
  
• being so sleep deprived (or just crazy) that I thought I was about to step on a small animal on the sidewalk when really it was just the shadow of a moving leaf.
• I led a seminar that went really well by the grace of God (I really hadn't prepared)
  
• I was asked by a friend to attend the RMC Ball on the 24th of November
• i almost cleaned my room. haha no not really, but its getting gross enough for me to want to!
• I got this weird email from myself (through 43things.com) saying:
  

  Dear future self,
  
  I'm reminding you about your stated goal on 43 things, to
  "get my masters in international development".
  
  How's it going?
  
  Sincerely,
  Your past self
  Your past self

  creepy. If I wasn't so sure of what I'm meant to be doing, this would really throw me for a loop.
  

congratulations!!

Congrats to Silas and Lydia who have finished their support raising for staff!!!! So exciting. God is cool. FYI, we had been praying that Lydia would finish her fundraising by mid-october (she was praying for this upcoming monday, and I was secretly praying for this Sunday). God is cool. Oh wait I already said that.... oh well, it's still true.


I have this hugeeeeeeeeeeeeee headache today and I'm always tired. I wonder sometimes if there's something medically wrong with me. But Queen's health is always so busy so I'll never get an appointment there!

construction, fall, thanksgiving, and droopy eyelids

This week has been weird. I've gotten over the whole morning-after-syndrome and am now looking to the future with excitement. I've had a lot of opportunities to step outside my own comfort zone, and was faithful to follow through because God is good. I'm actually sitting in a seminar right now, as my prof talks about "invention of tradition" and the "creation of tribalism" in parts of africa. But I'm thinking about the encouraging Servant Team meeting I just had (at 7am!) and thus my droopy eyelids. The leaves are turning and tides are changing here at Queen's. Day by day I'm excited to leave behind me my schooling, and am enjoying the transformation of this campus that is analogous to the construction that is ripping apart our campus. God is good. He is faithful.

I really love fall. Watching the leaves change and as they die they become so beautiful. It reminds me of sanctification. It reminds me of something my dad said to me on the phone when we were discussing my staff interview this weekend. I told him when the staff asked me "What motivates you?" I had totally drawn a blank and ended up replying really stupidly for a lack of anything better to say at the time. His response was, "I know what motivates you. Hypocrisy. You see hypocrisy in people and you want them to be better, you want them to have integrity, and so you're honest with them and encourage them to be better." It's true, although I had never really thought of it like that.

the morning after

I just came back from a weekend retreat called Summit. I laid a lot of things down to God this weekend. Actually, that's not true... I laid down the last thing that I had (at this point at least), which was fear or concern of people's thoughts of me in evangelism (see this post). God is the love of my life. He's the only thing that satisfies me, that keeps me going, and is worthy of my time and energy. But I'm still concerned about how people perceive me. Yesterday I did some rash things because I was afraid to, and this morning I woke up with that feeling..the morning after feeling that is probably (I wouldn't know) comparable to waking up beside someone (ugly too) and thinking "WHAT DID I DO?!" Seriously, what did I do? Nothing bad, of course, but I'm just feeling like this was sooo ridiculous. I remember feeling this way after summit last year, asking myself "why would I commit to that?"

sacrifice

Today after one of my classes (actually, my only class on Tuesday) we got to talking about plans for next year. A couple of the girls were mentioning some of the grad schools that they're applying to. As I was walking home I started to feel left out and in some ways kind of mourning the fact that I'm not going through this whole grad-school application process along with them. I'm not going to be able to sit around with them and complain/discuss their application papers that they're writing; I'm not going to be able to be a part of the academic world that they'll be pursuing next year. It makes me sad to think that I'm not going to be reading articles about political drama unfolding against the state in colonial Kenya next year. I'm not going to have that academic prestige that my friends are going to have.

I'm not doubting what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm not saying that I should change my plans just because I want to go to grad school. I want a lot of things, but it doesn't make it good or right for me. I know that I'm following the path that God is leading me on. I guess I'm realizing more and more the sacrifices that I will have to make in joining staff... like getting married. A lot of single women who join staff never get married, or don't get married until a lot later in life. Plus, I'm eventually going to have to tell my peers what I'm doing after school and risk them think I'm some religious colonizer who cares nothing for people's actual well-being and have this western imperialist agenda, rather than it being Christ's love that compels me to do this - cause if it were up to me I'd probably say 'let them live the consequences of the choices they make, even if it is in ignorance of a free life they could be living' and do my own thing @ grad school or wherever. That's going to be scary!

And it begins

Today marks the first day of my final year at university. It's so strange to think that I wont be here next fall. My life has been pretty crazy since I finished work and last posted. There was half a week of pre-frosh week organizing, I went on a Servant Team retreat which was fun, and then had an insane week last week doing frosh week stuff. Basically we just spent as much time as we could letting the frosh know that Campus for Christ existed if they wanted to join. We handed out free packages (real life kits) that had a new testament, a book, a pillowcase (?) and a highlighter. Random about the pillow case... We still have a rat and a squirrel that seem to be immune to rat poison. I have a huge stack of over 100 contacts that we gleaned from frosh week sitting on my desk waiting to be followed up on. I went to my only class so far today (AIDS, Power and Poverty) and tidied my living room, and got a bit of my life together this afternoon.

But as I write this I'm so so nervous. I'm so so anxious. I'm looking at this pile of contacts wondering if they'll actually be contacted by the people I've asked to do it. I'm thinking about my classes and wondering if I'll be able to balance my school work and the amount of time I'm going to need to spend discipling women this year. I'm wondering if I'll fail and drop the ball and leave 130 women who have reached out in one way or another to C4C for information, or friendship, or fellowship, or learning. Will I be able to live up to my own expectations for myself? Probably not. I'm not going to be able to do all this. But, what I do know is that God has been answering my prayers like never before (or at least like I never noticed before). And He's going to provide for all of my needs, and for all of the needs of C4C and the women in it.

Being women's ministry coordinator kind of feels like I'd imagine it would feel like being a mom. You pray for your children, you encourage them, teach them, challenge them, rebuke them, and love them. Now try that for ..... 50-80 women. That's pretty crazy! I'm so glad that God cares about all of their needs more than I do. Because I will inevitably drop the ball, and He'll be there to catch it just after I relax my hands.

in the name of love (Pride)

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Philipians 2:3.

God has been bringing the first part of that verse to my mind a lot in the last week. Little did I know it was in preparation for a huge rebuke. Rebuke is good. It can be hard, but it's good. When I look back on my life, the few major defining moments are centered around someone lovingly rebuking me, telling me I'm the most selfish person they've met, or that I love people conditionally. Ouch. Last summer my discipler randomly asked to meet with me the next day, and I asked myself 'well, why not now? what's wrong with now?' She sounded a bit nervous to ask me for that meeting so my first response was "OH NO SHE'S GOING TO REBUKE ME!" and then for the rest of the day I tried to figure out what it was she was going to rebuke me on.

Last night I asked for it. Literally. My housemate and I were going for an evening stroll and discussing what we were excited about for this upcoming school year. I asked her, since she was the KSL at Queen's last year what advice she had to leave with me personally, she said 'you know that verse about treating others as better than yourself? Do that.' A few minutes later I asked her to point out some of my weaknesses. She was really reluctant. Really reluctant. I was oddly eager. If I had known the long list she was going to bust out, I don't know if I would have been THAT eager haha.

And then she laid it all out. Kindly, I should add. I know I'm a proud person, and sometimes I can pinpoint it in the way I talk and the way I behave, but she opened up a whole new can of worms in the way I interact with people. Like I said, I wasn't prepared for the list to go on. I guess the list didn't really 'go on' but she just kept giving examples of my pride, and there was a moment where I was like 'is she actually saying this? does that example even count?!' Part of me wonders why no one has ever pointed this out if apparently I was so obscenely proud. It's even MORE humbling/embarrassing to think that God had me rebuke another friend several months ago about pride. Although, I didn't go into that with the intention of cutting him down, but building him up... and there was definitely some jonah-syndrome before I actually did follow through.

God is definitely teaching me more about grace this summer. Scandalous grace. He's also revealing his amazing faithfulness. I knew He was faithful before, but the fact that I don't think any pray has gone unanswered, any need unmet. Week after week, Brittany and I together pray for things and we see Him provide. Last week I asked for vision for this fall, he answered. Yesterday I asked him to show me an area where I need to grow, BOY did He answer. Amazing grace, indeed.