let's go for a walk!

I like where my dad lives. While it is isolated, and the dial-up internet/lack of cell reception is very frustrating, it has perks. When I go for my morning walk up the hill here are some of the sights I see. I wish the wonderful smell of fall could be shared along with the photos. 

just above the middle of the picture you can see the river that I live by (the Ottawa) and on the other side, Quebec

Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

This morning I finally woke up from a 2 and a half month sleep. 

I have been so lethargic, so lazy, so selfish, so unresponsive. I have not been myself, which is in some ways understandable because I'm not used to living here with my friends far away. But I think the most upsetting is that I haven't been excited to go to Montreal and be on campus. I haven't been AS passionate as I usually am. When I do my presentation, I'm always very animated and it's very evident that I care deeply about this -- I've been told that many times by people I meet with. Some have even changed their minds about supporting me because they see how much I care. 

But I haven't cared as much as usual. Last year, going to Montreal and "reaching" quebec was all I could think about. I'd think about it in class, during my QTs, in church, as I was walking to campus, when I was supposed to be writing my papers - or I would try and make a paper missions or something which never actually worked. It was seriously all I could think about. 

Lately, all I can think about is of selfish motivation. Aside from the few times I've fasted because my support coach highly recommended it, I've really not done any dying to self. This summer I've come into an understanding of the harsh truth of who Jessica really is apart from Christ. My pride has been crushed and I was not doing a good job of putting on my new self, and remembering that I'm clothed in Christ's righteousness. Yesterday, after a concerning dream I realized that I have not been fighting the good fight. In fact, I've really just kind of slunk off into the sidelines and been wondering why the heck my team isn't gaining ground. 

Since when have I been so passive? Since when have I not stuck my heels in the ground, set my jaw and gone for what was in front of me? Well.... I guess I have done that. But what was in front of me was not really the end goal, it was some distraction like Jon & Kate + 8 or Digg or something. 

When I woke up this morning, after another weird dream, things were somehow different. My false-hopelessness was gone, my dry heart felt inspired, the cloud of whatever-it-was had lifted. 

It's business time! (just not this kind!)

quote of the day

This quote easily beats out the pot quote. I asked my friend why she wanted to go to India for missions and she replies:

"cuz it's full of hindus and muslims and sikhs!! and saris and food! and like, oppressed people."

My friends are hilarious!

bitter

proceeding from or exhibiting great hostility or animosity.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this here before but this summer I've been slowly trying to work through my issues that have developed over my feelings and attitudes towards social justice and the concept of "development." I don't even know how to really explain it, but while I was doing my degree I just got really frustrated, bitter and cynical about it all. It's hard to believe that I'm the same hopeful person that went into the program. Well, I guess I'm not really the same person. 

It's not that I don't have hope, either. I have lots of hope. Jesus brings so much hope. However, I have to admit that I do have this desperate belief that there is absolutely no hope except for Him. I never used to think this way, and even though I'm sure it's probably the right perspective, it's still kind of depressing to have lost all hope in a humanity that rejects Christ. I know non-Christians do good things and are "good people". But ultimately, when you come face to face with the darkness of the human heart, you too would come to the same conclusion that I have. 

But here's my problem: I've kind of pushed away all these solutions to effect change -- I've pushed away everything but evangelism, discipleship and the local church. I know that there's something wrong with my attitude about it because I don't know what my opinion is on a lot of the issues. I know there's something wrong because I've pushed it away and opted to not deal with it. I know there's something wrong because because I really can't put my finger on what exactly the Bible has to say about all of these things. 

I know God loves social justice and it's close to His heart. That is very clear to me. It's the whole reason why I got into development in the first place. I've grown up around redemption and rehabilitation and second chances and hope. But there's something about the trendiness of social justice right now -- the connection between the emergent church and replacing the gospel with "jesus came only as an example and this is the good news" that really really gets my guard up. 

The reason I'm bringing this all up is because my calling to C4C staff is directly related to these issues and my confusion over everything is evident (at least to me) every time I do my presentation with someone. It's evident in how I explain myself; I have a hard time because I don't really know my own opinions on it. I don't really know my own place in it all. Why did I take this degree and am now in C4C? 

On my drive back home from Toronto I listened to a couple sermons by Tim Keller that also reminded me of this. One was on Justice. It was good. I agreed. It made me excited, even. 

Hmm, I'm sure this post is pretty confusing too. I haven't really explained myself because I'm still working through it all. I don't know if this is all because of my anti-conformist tendencies or simply because I was exposed to a pretty disturbing combination of desperation and cynicism in my program. 

Like I said before, I have been actively working through this. But after this last appointment, I think I'm going to take it more seriously because my uncertainty has been haunting me, taunting me. 

quote of the day

"Your mother killed my marijuana plant!" - Kevin, my mom's new(ish) husband. 

The sentence that countless children hear in this town. I never thought I would be one of them! I used to be horrified and saddened by this, and now it doesn't even bother me! Actually, I think it's kind of funny. My former-pastor's-wife-mother's second husband grows pot. To be fair, it's one tiny little plant.... although it is a female, so they are normally in high demand (because female plants produce enough THC for drug production. See here). 

Anyways there's your drug lesson for the day from your favourite missionary. haha. right. please note the disclaimer to your left :) 

I don't even know what to tag this post as. Humour? anti-sanctification? rant? 

awkward MPD moments

So I just called a supporter, hoping to ask them if they would be willing to coordinate a group MPD appointment by inviting people from her church that she thinks would be interested as well as setting up the event etc. Unfortunately she was not there so I left a message. For those of you who have experienced a voicemail message from me will know that I suck at them. This one was not long-winded, but just.... awkward:

"Hi Esther, this is JW and I'm calling with a favour or proposition to ask of you...." I pause and think of the meaning of 'to proposition someone' and then laugh and correct myself, "Er.. not a proposition, that's awkward. Anyways, ___ is my number and I'll try again another time." As I hung up the phone I was beet red. I looked up the meaning of "proposition" to find that it does have multiple meanings; my instincts were right and in correcting myself I had made a bigger fool of myself than had I just left it. Awesome. I knew I should have stuck to the script. 

The Office

The season premier of the office a couple weeks ago had one of my favourite lines that I've heard in quite awhile. It's probably a reflection of how awful my humour is. When Temp guy says to what's-her-face that he used to date: "I'm really sorry for how I treated you, you know... I still haven't processed 9/11." 

Favourite Office quotes from this week:

- random mention of cookie monster singing Chocolate Rain haha.

- Michael to Dwight: "You are the thief of JOY"

- Miachael: "HOw do you tell someone you care about deeply 'I told you so'?"

- Michael: "If you're not in the conference room in 1 minute I'm going to kill you!"

...

1. Being feminine and the things we wear that define us from the opposite sex & how it's easy for me to opt out of femininity out of concern (read: paranoia/guilt) for being too flashy/bad steward of money
   
2. My weeks start really good, really positive, and then often end really poorly in discouragement
   
3. I've been getting frustrated really easily and then feel flares of anger inside, kind of like a volcano bubbling up. Good thing I'm alone a lot.
   
4. people say that with the internet etc. there is significantly less engagement in civil society, which I'm sure is true, but I have to admit that I had lots of fun microblogging the debate with a bunch of other people. 
5. I really like Pepsi & the Fringe
6. I've always been very strong in my voting opinions. I don't often talk about who I vote for during elections cause my choice is highly unpopular amongst Christians. Today, for a moment, I considered perhaps voting for someone different. Not because my political convictions have changed. In my riding voting for who I do is considered a "throw away vote" and there are those that I do not want to be voted in. I usually don't vote strategically like that, I just stick to my guns and that way I can have a conscience. We'll see what goes down in a week.