normal is scary.

I arrived at the Ottawa Via Rail station at 7 pm tonight and proceeded to talk my dad's ear off for three hours. After three hours of talking about everything that's going on in my life, all the decisions I have to make and all the responsibilities I have, course issues, and problems I'm facing, I came to one conclusion. One scary unexpected solution:

I'm not going to Uganda and probably wont do my 'development project' at all next summer. I realized that I was doign it all for the wrong reasons. I think I knew that when I applied in the beginning, but I never really came to a conclusion on it - or I didn't have the courage to not go ahead with the application. Yes, it is a matter of mustering the courage to decide not to go. Straying from the norm is so weird for me. It's so natural for me to go all over the world doing all these random things, and I think I like that idea of me. I think I like that person more than I really like myself in some ways. But if I were to go, I would go because it's what people expect of me (or what I think they expect of me), I would go because I expect it of me, I would go to impress people. I'm just not ok with those reasons and those as my motives. It just feels wrong, all wrong.

I really believe there's something I need to be here in Canada, namely Kingston for. I don't know what yet, I just know that in the last two hours since I realized that I shouldn't/don't really want to go to Uganda, I've felt so much peace about it. Sure it would be a great experience, but it's an experience I could get later on in life.

It's going to be hard to tell people. Especially the people in my program and everyone else i've been bragging to, because people will think i'm afraid to go - and i am a little - but i'm not bailing because I can't handle it. Challenge is good. I just wish I had more concrete things to tell people, something more than my weird new-age answer 'I just feeeeeel that there's something else out there for me." Sometimes I'm so crazy.

heart of darkness

I just finished reading an article for Advanced Theroies of Development. My exam is on wednesday and I haven't had an exam since last tuesday morning. So i've been relaxing and slowly catching up on my readings for the class. The article I just read was on ecological imperialism and was quite interesting. Actually it was a chapter of a book by John Bellamy Foster entitled The Vulnerable Planet. It was pretty interesting, but more than that it was pretty darn depressing.

By the end of the chapter, my eyes were welling up and I had a disturbed frown on my face. One of the first things that got me was its discussion of the dirty industrialization that was occurring in the Soviet bloc and Asia that led to some pretty serious health problems for the people.

"So much contamination by chemical wastes had been dumped into the drinking water supply that mothers in the Aral region cannot breast-feed their babies without running the risk of poisoning them" (p100, The Vulnerable Planet by JB Foster).

A mother cannot take part in the wonderful bonding experience of breast-feeding, something that is biologically supposed to be there to offer further nourishment and health protection, because of the political situation. Because the government wants to - needs to - try and develop a comparative advantage against the other economies (cause let's be serious, no one else's developed on naturally as a result of market forces). Because of imperialism, because of capitalism, because of colonialism.

The second thing that really hit me was the bold faced admission of the US's goal in Vietnam: to create refugees, which would give the US physical control over the peasantry via "defoliation" (the euphamism for ecological warfare/ecocide). Does anyone else see the systemic racism in this? The absolute hatred of people? Where will the lust for power end?

I seriously want to vomit right now. The greed, people. The dirty, grimy, smelly, scummy greed. The lust for more, the passionate desire making our chests beat faster for money. For power. For validation.

And I can see myself in all of this. I can see my own selfishness. My own lust for validation, for status. I will forget everything and everyone around me to study because I want to be considered smart. I want to be considered important. But I have people around me to remind me that there's more to life than school. That there is eternity to think about.

Where are the people in the lives of all these other powerful men who make these decisions that end the lives of so many. Who's whispering in their ears saying "there's more to life than all of this?"

Because ultimately, they might get what they search for in their lifetime at the expense of everyone else around them. But they will die. Game over. Who's going to tell them that?

on music

Lately I've been listening to a lot of electronic-based music. I've always kind of liked it, ever since Dance Mix '95 pretty much. For awhile, though, I was definitely into more grungy music when that was popular in the late 90s. For the most part it really wasn't until first year when Postal Service's "Give Up" came out. I still love that CD so much. It used to be my most favouritest CD until I found The Stars this summer. I just can't get enough of them!!

Thom Yorke (of Radiohead fame) also came out with a solo CD which I absolutely adore. Very electronic, too, but more melancholy than Postal Service. A couple of weeks ago I made a Thom Yorke based Pandora radio station, and found another band that's soooo good: Junior Boys. Except, I don't even know if you can really call electronic-music-groups "bands". I've always been under the impression that a "band" requires musical instruments. Unless a computer is a musical instrument, in my opinion, they're not really a "band". Apparently, Junior Boys are from Hamilton!

Anyways, so really the point of this is the following: one of my friends really likes MuteMath. He suggested I get my little brother their CD for Christmas. So I found one of their songs to sample it to see if its something I think Nick would like. I realized, it's ODDLY happy and hopeful. Like creepily-happy-and-hopeful. To this I had two reactions: i recoiled in disgust a bit (what can I say, as much as I do have Jesus-based-hope, I'm still pretty cynical) and realized that there must be something different about them. They sounded Christian.

So I looked them up and whatdoyouknow! they are. I finally put two and two together. That's why all this time I've really disliked Christian music. Its so barftastically happy. Switchfoot isn't really like that, which is probably why I like them. They love Jesus and they still know the world isn't bunnies jumping over rainbows smelling of cotton-candy. And then it occurred to me: that's also probably why I've never heard of any Christian "indie" bands. Indie, in my experience, is not so happy.

I guess this all begs the question, why do I dislike happy music. Actually, it's not that I dislike happy music. Frou Frou has some upbeat fun happy music. Like "It's Good To Be In Love". I can't really put my finger on it. It seems though that I've always written off Christian music. I still do. My housemate was SOOOO EXCITED that downhere is going to be in TO for WC. I was like "meh" never heard of them and don't really care basically on the basis that they're Christian. Perhaps its just the mood of exhaustion I'm in due to exams. butttt its been a pattern for most of my life so I kind of doubt that.

any thoughts?

to don or not to don?

So I'm applying to be a residence don for next academic year. Although I'm no longer sure why. It seems that when I make assumptions about my future & it comes time to actually make them happen, I start seriously questioning, "why am I doing this?" I think it's a good thing, in some ways because it prevents me from going into things blindly or habitually.

But in questioning "why am I doing this?" I couldn't find an answer. I don't know if I want to be a don because it means making changes in my life that I'm not sure I want to make. It will require me to be less selfish and frankly, being selfish is comfortable. It means that I have to make decisions right now about how I want to spend my time & maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'll save me from selling my soul to C4C. For once I've been living in a Christian bubble, and it's comfortable. I'm always the one that's against going to Christian Universities because it's not like the real world, and here I am wanting to stay in the non-real world. I dunno, I just already feel like my life is so busy right now. Adding something else means taking away/neglecting other things.

I guess first years need an example of a person who believes in God & isn't a complete loser. And frosh Christians need a support-base. And I need to learn to be less selfish.... something God has really been hitting home the last couple of days. Just how selfish and proud I am.

promise me

Promise me you will notify me if you find a guy who has ALL of the following:

• loves evangelism
• has a lip piercing
• wears hot pink shirts
• is hetero
• plays guitar
• likes indie music
• cares about social justice!!
• and is humble

Edit: Nov 28, 2:02PM
So I guess 'wears hot pink shirts' basically makes things impossible. I guess he doesn't have to wear hot pink shirts. I guess the thing about the whole pink-shirt idea is that clearly if a guy can wear pink it means he's secure in his masculinity. I like that. the security thing. Then he wont feel threatened when I act my manly self. haha jokes, I'm not manly (I HOPE!!!!!!!)

fundamental contradictions within Development Studies

A couple guys did a great job of articulating what devs students feel today after class - they were talking really loud so i wasn't exactly eavesdropping. Anyways this is how the convo sort of went:

Devsy Guy: I hate the concept of development. You go into it thinking "hey! I'll help people" but Develpoment is like "No you wont, bastard!"
Commerce Guy: I'll build a school!
Devsy Guy on behalf of Development: Fuck You! Engage in solidarity! (referring to an article we read critiquing NGOs)

they went on like this for awhile, and it was pretty funny because its so true. I've decided that Devs is probably one of the only programs that could successfully be the means to its own end, because everyone who finishes Devs is more confused about devs than when they went in. AND no one really wants to do what they did when they began because they know how screwed up the whole system is. The only thing that sustains the Devs department is the constant influx of ignorant frosh with the "I'll help save the world" mentality.

This is the quotation from an article we read that sort of articulates our own undoing:

Solidarity is not about fighting people's battles. It is about establishing co-operation between different constituencies on the basis on mutual self-respect and concerns about the injustices suffered by each. It is about taking sides in the face of injustice or the processes which reproduce injustice. It is not built on sympathy or charity or the portrayal of others as objects of pity. It is not about fundraising to run your own projects overseas, but raising funds which others can use to fight their own battles. It is about taking actions within one's own terrain which will enhance the capacity of others to succeed in their fight against injustice. - Firoze Manji

Mo

Today I was asked by a man who has sold all his possessions and moved him and his family to Malawii, a man who has legally adopted 24 AIDS orphans, a man who is teaching the only seminary in the whole country, a man who feeds 2 500 people each month out of his own pocket and coordinates further famine relief in the country; today I was asked by this man a question and I intend to find the answer. Upon hearing that I'm studying International Development he asked me, "I know of a great number of children who's parents have died because of AIDS and are being taken care of by their grandmothers. So what do we do with them when their grandmothers have died?"

I'm going to find an answer. But first, I have to finish this paper.

school, friendship and selfishness

Sometimes I wish I was Asian. Then I would have fantastic marks and my future would be uninhibited by my own lack of intelligence. I would be able to do anything I wanted to do, and not be prevented because I'm not smart enough, or at least don't have the work ethic.

I was talking about the work ethic thing with my housemate, Tanya, who's from a biracial backround of Japanese and English. She's been taught that while at university School is her life and she should devote all her time and energy into it. I totally respect that. In some ways I don't understand how a person can do that because I've always been taught that relationships are important and basically the point of life. Aside from the obvious religious aspects to the goal in life, of course. Seriously, though, sometimes I want to just crack down and live at the library and think only about school. In that way I think Christians are by default persecuted - in the sense that the World does not reward the lifestyle that we're called to live. Success means being smart and rich and popular, and so I'm technically unsucessful at life because my marks are good by my own standards and I try to have meaningful relationships with people.

Is it selfish to want to focus on school only? I feel like it is. Every time I want to really only think about school (and that doesn't mean not having Christian fellowship, because I WOULD DIE. Even though I talk about wanting to be a hermit in the jungle, it doesn't mean I could stay sane) I seem to get the impression that neglecting my friends means I'm a bad person. That if I'm not investing my energy in relationships I'm being selfish. But isn't it being presumptuous that my imput in someone's life matters?

ahh its hard to not think about rational self-interest in a free market society. CAPITALISM WHY MUST YOU INFILTRATE MY MIND???

on a totally different note: did you know that the Canada Pension Plan, while it says it abides by the UN Global Compact it actually doesn't. Anyone who has ever worked in Canada legally has funded investment in:

5 of the world's top 20 weapons-makers, tobacco giants such as Rothmans and Imperial Tobacco, and nine of the top 10 air polluters in the U.S.

It also includes companies whose operations have been linked to allegations of human-rights abuses in Amnesty International reports. (Ottawa Citizen article)

Fantastic, eh?

the one thing I remember one thing about math: what 'linear' means

Sometimes my mom is so wise. Which always leads me to my next thought - why did she 'go crazy' then??* Yesterday, in my lack of sleep, I was talking to her about my uncertainty for next year. Whether I'll be able to do a development project, or whether God wants me to go to North Africa instead. Like this summer when I went through a period of questioning God's "Plan" for my life, I proposed those same questions. Ultimately I wanted to know "Does it make a difference where I go next summer" kind of thing. Selene would always tell me "you can't screw up God's plan" but in my stupidity, I still do. But that's just me not trusting God. Anyways, mom said this to me which was quite clever and wise:

"First of all, I think 'God's Plan' for you is to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. And secondly, God's plan is relational not linear."

Breakthrough moment! I get that explanation mostly because I get development. In development academia there's this struggle against the two political sides of development. The right wants to "modernize and industrialize" the underdeveloped countries so that they can join our markets, so that they can be a larger part of globalization and ultimately, so that the US can export their goods to them. The left wants to see justice for the colonial legacies, the colonial divisions of labour that have arguably brought underdevelopment. But the Left also wants to end this idea that development equals 'progress'. The word Progress suggests that there is an end goal to work towards and that the West, namely the US and their free market system, is it.

So when mom says, it's relational not linear I totally get that - because development or whatever you want to call it, is relational not linear. It's relational in the sense that world trade rules matter (and the ones that are in place are highly stacked against the Global South), debt matters, and dumping matters just like sin hinders my relationship with God, not getting that sin right with God matters, and ignoring His voice matters.


*my mom didn't actually go off the deep end.... entirely. But if you knew her before and know her now, sometimes I feel like she did.

stress, strain, pressure, (nervous) tension, worry, anxiety, trouble, difficulty

I'm starting to stress out. What usually happens in October is happening for me right now. There's just so much to do and so little time. I hate the prospect of me falling behind in my classes is really irritating me (i'm already really behind, and things were going SO WELL. I have this paper due Wednesday morning and I just don't have the time to write it! I mean, things would be OK if our libraries had info on the topic, but it's just not working out. I seriously don't know how its going to happen.

I think everything would have probably been ok had that essay and my giant seminar presentation that I have to present on Monday. But I also have another application due Thursday and then my whole day on Saturday is devoted to another application process - I actually have to physically be somewhere doing group-building activities while they evaluate me. So saturday really doesn't even count, except for the evening. I've been such a hermit and have had no social interaction this entire semester except with CFC people. Which, wasn't too much of a problem to me until now. I think when I'm stressed I need a change of scenery. It makes me feel like I'm not actually involved in the crappy stressness.

But then I talked to a friend that I haven't seen in awhile... a friend i LIVED with last year. I seriously haven't seen any of my floormates at all really this semester. It's especially bad because there's only 4 weeks left of the semester. Four measly weeks. I haven't really talked to them because they haven't ever invited me out to things so i keep figuring that they don't want me around. But judging from O's reaction last night when we talked, she was pretty upset. Also she said, "I feel like you don't exist this year." Which is totally ouch, but not at all MY desire. Like, I didn't WANT our friendship to sort of die out. I just didn't have anything in common with them anymore proximity wise, but also after so long you miss out on all the inside jokes and you feel like a foreigner. AND did I mention nobody made it seem like I was missed? Maybe its all a misunderstanding and they were like "fine if she's being a bitch then we don't want her around". I dunno. But its not helping my stress factor when i feel like i have something MORE to add to my list of things to do. People should feel like an addition to a to-do list. That's horrible. But i'm a horrible person when I'm stressed. (= a "D" in the DISC personality test)

Although, the more I think about it, the more I want to just go out for a night on the town with O on friday and totally skip out on C4C stuff. Ahh that would be awesome.

You know what also doesn't help? When you're being like "AHH I'M SO STRESSED AND THIS IS WHY" to your housemates and they answer with "you should do this, and this and this" a)I didn't ask for your suggestions and b)did I say you could talk???

SEE haha i'm evil. Where's gloria when I need her? Not that gloria is evil, she just broods well.

sometimes thinking makes things worse

I have this crazy idea that I can screw up so bad that it interferes with some sort of plan God may have. I don't even know if I believe God has a PLAN for our lives, set out in advance.... but I do sort of have this fear that I can screw it up, whatever it is. That somehow I can miss his call on my life, that I can not hear Him telling me something and I do something else instead.

I'm clearly dumb and audacious. Honestly, sometimes my stupidity is overwhelming and I wonder how it is I can bathe myself and not die of self-neglect. I've sort of had this panic-stricken week. Panic over what I'm going to do next summer as my development project. Looking back on it now, I actually feel really embarassed at how stupid I was being. I was being this stupid this summer too until Selene knocked some sense into me. Well, she just said some things and I trusted her... for a couple months that is.

I've had an interesting day. Not eating is hard. REALLY HARD. Not eating and then not thinking about all the chocolate bars people are eating because its the day after Hallowe'en is even harder. But I feel like I learned something today and maybe didn't get as much insight as I was hoping. Maybe even got more confused haha. But I have a peace now. That I can't screw up. Sometimes I feel like God wont move unless we do something to make Him move. Like Him bringing revival is contingent on us somehow. Now I feel like that idea is really selfish and a misunderstanding of God. But at the same time, I feel like if our hearts, as Christians, are hardened, can't we get in the way - like Israel got in the way of God's plan to reach the nations? Ultimately God beat everyone, cause he's GOD...

man... i just confused myself even more.

laziness

I did my talk last night. I was quite nervous until I practiced on my housemate Tanya and her reaction was positive. I wasn't nervous at all last night which was good. I was quite surprised at the outcome though. I had a couple girls tell me that they could really relate, and a couple of others who told me I was a good writer and that I should speak more often. I was quite pleased with that. I had to leave the evening early to hang out with Hannah, a friend from project! It was lots of fun to see her again. Her dorky friend was pretty hilarious too.

I've been feeling pretty lazy and umotivated lately. Today was supposed to be a work day, but since it's almost 4:00pm and I still haven't accomplished anything but watching Honey on MuchMusic, I decided that I wouldn't even bother TRYING to get work done today but rather try and do it tomorrow. I'm generally more productive on Sundays anyways. A friend is having a halloween costume party tonight that I'm planning on going to, but don't quite have the entire costume i need.... I have the cowboy boots and jeans haha. Doesn't quite make an entire outfit, sadly.

I may be here now but I've never left Montreal

I've been thinking about Montreal a lot lately. I really miss the city. I miss the metro, I miss my work. I miss project, I miss MTL staff. I'm wondering what Montreal is like in the fall. I'm sure McGill is beautiful as is Queen's. I'm still mourning the end of project. Sometimes life just moves too fast. You prepare for something for so long, and it might seem like forever when you're finally working through that thing you've prepared for so long for... and part of you may want it to be over while you're in it, but looking back.... you kind of wished it had never ended. That's how I feel about project. It went too fast, but at the time it went at a good pace.

It's times like this when it makes me want to join staff. Part of me thinks it'll be like a permanent-Montreal-Reunion, because in a sense it will: I'll be in Montreal with Lydia, the Smits, and doing ministry and yeah... haha somehow that makes me feel like its Montreal project reunion, even if ALL of the projectiles aren't there. It's not like I don't miss them because I totally do. There's just something about that city.

Being there without the whole group was hard and surreal. It just didn't feel the same, so maybe I'm kidding myself into believing that Montreal is where I belong. But part of me really does believe I belong there - as long as I get frequent trips into the country. Sigh.

all you women independent, throw your hands up at me

Hmm, that line of the song sounds way less cool when written down. It makes me feel so lame and white. I was really excited this morning to find the women's ministry leader asked me to do the talk @ Girls Night Out this Friday. We're going to be doing spa-type girlie activities, and then I've been asked to give a talk/my testimony on Beauty and God etc. I'm so stoked for it. I actually started working on it tonight, even though I have a midterm on thursday that I'm really unprepared for. Just what I need - a REALLY good reason to procrastinate. This time it isn't even YouTube or other people's blogs.

Ok I should go to bed... class @ 9:30!

in one ear, out the other

I think it might be true that a person's brain can only hold so much information. The past few days I've felt really smart. Mostly because I'm totally busting out all these theses on the US and hegemony and taking over the world. It's pretty much fantastic because it's not even just ME who looks crazy and paranoid - I'm totally citing other sources. But here's the thing: I have no short term memory in other things. The other day I opened up a Compose window in gmail and it fully took me 30 minutes to remember who I was planning on emailing and what I was planning on saying.

It just happened again. I opened up Blogger in with the intent of writing something life alteringly insightful, the kind of stuff that either brings you to tears with beauty or makes you want to go conquer the world -- SO incredible that you actually believe someone might give a crap about what you have to say. Something just that great. And then I got sidetracked by Zach (yes, i talk about him like we're friends. like Dave. Dave's pretty much my cool uncle. No... uncle doesn't work because Dave is cute. Dave can be a close friend of the family. that works). Anyways, it has taken until now for me to remember what I was going to say. And it really wasn't all that important.

I'm just having a lazy skinny day. Lazy because I have a headache, its raining, and i don't want to do work and so I will nap instead. And skinny because my friend Julie gave me some pants AND THEY FIT. the size 4 pants. Shut up, i know... I'm not a 4, i'm an 8. Too bad they're too tight and short. oh well. i own size 4 pants, even if I don't wear them.

How is it that I've discussed hegemony AND feeling skinny justifyiably in one blog? Random, and kind of embarassing. Which reminds me, I have to post about my most embarassing moment that happened the other day. Too funny.

woo! devs

I seriously love my program. SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY. Sometimes I get really depressed, it's true. Sometimes it makes me cry because I'm being educated on the secular evidence of a broken broken world. The depths of the darkness, the ignorance, the sinisterness of the hearts of individuals is really evident in the world of development. It gets hard to learn about it and feels so alone when you know you're one individual and can't possibly break down the structures and attitudes of violence that is such a a part of our world.

But today, walking out of my midterm for Financial Architecture of Development, I felt so passionate about what I do. Sure, it's been a lot of review up until this point, and sure, sometimes its hard. But it's worth it. It's worth understanding the world in a way not many do. I just take so much joy in it. I think that's partly because I'm realizing that I'm not stupid at it. That I'm realizing that I'm starting to understand how to deconstruct the arguments, that I'm acquiring enough knoweldge about these situations that I can see problems with the issues before I'm taught them.

I seriously wanted to start writing papers for fun. FOR FUN. I want to write books about development and how these things should matter to the general populace. Because they do matter. Man, I wish I knew what my future held for me.

high on life (and gravol)

So I'm guessing that taking gravol while not having eaten all day is probably not the best idea. I'm seriously high. Like my vision is all weird, my sense are screwed up. I'm struggling to type this coherently. Everything is soo laggy. I totally get why there's a warning to not operate heavy machinery when under the influence of ... what was i saying? Seriously, I forgot.

Oh right. It reminds me of the whole "Do not get drunk on wine but be filled with the Holy Spirit" thing. I remember this summer Lydia discipling me and being all "how does being filled with the HS compare to being drunk?" I thought that was a funny analogy. I'm glad that its not analogus to being high. Because frankly, this is doing funny tickly things to my head. Did I mention my head kind of tickles? I don't think the brain is supposed to 'tickle'. Did I also mention I have a midterm to study for?

OH also, I'm taking gravol because my stomach was really screwedup and woozy feeling and my other housemate totally barfed a busload of chunkies the other day which was nasty. I don't want to bafr. So... i took gravol, and i haven't eaten anything today so I think that's making the gravol be more gravolly. Shoot, I'm high.

late sidenote: i googleed up "sideffects of gravol" and found this...

Short-Term Effects

• At recommended doses, Gravol can cause drowsiness, dizziness and blurred vision. It can impair your concentration and motor coordination. For these reasons, you should use Gravol with caution if driving or doing other things that require you to be fully alert. It can be especially dangerous to combine it with alcohol and other depressant drugs. (found here)
  

Does God Exist on Tuesday or just every other day?

God is pretty darn cool. This whole Does God Exist? debate that we’re re-doing has been kind of ridiculous in terms of how it’s been put together and thrown at everyone. It’s been planned pretty well, but kind of all over the place at the same time. We’re definitely not professionals that’s for sure. Last night @ our Weekly Meeting (aka Friday Night on the Rock [FnotR]) things just really came together. I think people are actually catching on to the vision for DGE and getting excited. It’s really neat to see.

Honestly, I’m going to be extremely excited when DGE is over. That means that most of my stress-related work is finished and I can semi-relax. Or at least finally focus on other things that matter. I’m seriously going to be so excited that I’m considering going out for celebratory drinks. It’s going to be awesome. The debate AND the celebratory drinks. I’m just ready for it to be over. God’s done a fantastic job of protecting me from going crazy with stress over it, but I’m still going to be happy its over.

So this year I'm the publicity coordinator for the club that I'm quite heavily involved in. So I guess I'm also responsible for that UGLY UGLY website. But the template was free and it was easily put together by a friend who knows a bit about this stuff. It really drives me crazy that we have an ugly website, but we have no one to take care of it now - which is the story of this club's life!

I sort of expected to be murdered by publicity this year, but things have been going well so far. We're in the middle of a campaign to publicize a debate this upcoming tuesday and I think things are running smoothly. I'm sure something will screw up eventually. Classes have been going well for the most part. I have a midterm next week and a short essay proposal due on monday, but I think things will work out ok. While balance isn't exactly my forté, it's all working out. I think it's because I've gotten used to being ok with not having things perfect. The website is a great example: it's ugly. But the people who have never seen a functional website for CFC are thrilled with it. It's functional so I guess it does its job. I personally would like to see something not so hideous and retina mutilating, but I don't have the resources for that right now. So I settle. Sometimes settling is so, so convenient!

twenty is a scary place to be

Sometimes I’m so emo. I get all quiet and like to reflect a lot. I enjoy deep conversation, but the right people are rarely around to facilitate that. Instead I blog. Therefore, I apologize in advance for the train-wreck that will follow this sentence.

I feel like I’m growing up. I don’t really know how I feel about feeling that, though. I’m getting closer to graduating and that’s scary. It’s scary to think I have no plan for my life either. That I just sort of assume there will be a way to make money, to pay rent, to pay my OSAP loans back. I just have faith. Call me crazy, but thinking that far in advance is just not going to help me now.

The older I get, the more comfortable I become with where I am geographically. When we moved here I hated it. I had lived in Saskatoon for most of my life up until that point, so living in the country wasn’t so amazing. Sure, at first there were some fun things about it - like playing outside, building forts in the bush ‘next-door’, catching frogs. Then as I got older I started noticing things about the area that I hated. A lot of the locals were pretty pigheaded and ignorant about the world, and mostly racist. Not exactly my cup of tea. Neither was country music, or talking about cows. I thought I was a city-girl and to an extent I was.

But now I’m noticing more and more just how much I value growing up in the country and just how much its become a part of who I am. Being in Montreal all summer, I think I would have gone crazy if I didn’t have four weekends away from the city and back either here in the Ottawa Valley, or in the country surrounding Montreal. For so long I’ve been totally snobby about this place, but it’s starting to grow on me a bit. I’d never want to live here or raise a family here, but it’s not a bad place to bring your kids to visit Grandpa and Grandma.

And as much as I absolutely hate to admit it. I guess there is some sort of feeling of “home” here. After moving so much in my first few years of life, my roots have finally been established here. I’ll be happy to move away because the people in the area irritate me just that much, but I’m making progress little by little. I’m growing up.

relationships

All my life I've been giving relationship advice. Ok, not ALL my life, but ever since I was.... 12. Yup, at 12 I apparently gave some solid relationship advice to my other 12 year old friends. We're still close, so I guess my advice wasn't terribly wrong. I dunno how I know anything about it, since I've never actually been in a dating relationship. Maybe it's seeing so many people's hearts get broken over the years.

In any case, in the last year the %age of conversations I've had about relationships and the frequency to which these conversations are happening is starting to make me feel that God's preparing me for one. Of course He is, He's always preparing us for things. I've just really noticed an increase in this kind of stuff. It's a good thing that I'm comfortable where I am in my singleness. Quite comfortable acutally. But not too comfortable that I want to be this way forever, that's forsure.

la langue française

So I'm realizing more and more how much I love french. Being in Montreal all summer got me accustomed to the crazy Québecois accent. I used to hate it and think it was this awful vulgar abbomination of the language, but now I like it. A lot. It feels like home. I'm finding the Perisian accent pretentious. But I still would like to spend some time in France just to say I have. France still sounds so classic and chic.

The thing is, I don't want to do the work to be good at the language. It takes so much effort, so much time. But I really enjoy reading literature in French because it sounds so much more profound, even if la profondeur is lost on me because I don't understand the nuances.

But I guess if I want to be bilingual by the time I'm 25 (and I do, it's a life goal of mine), I guess I should actually try. Sigh. Priorities, Jess, Priorities!

It's been awhile

I haven't had a personal blog in two and a half years. It's kind of strange to be back at it again. I finally succummbed to it because of blogger's new moderation features. I realized I didn't want everyone to see some of the things I was thinking/writing. I'd like to have more control over who's getting to know me through this venue.

I thought I would explain where I got the name of this blog. It's from a Dave Mathews Band song called Butterfly. The lyrics are as follows:

You are like a butterfly
A Catipillars dream to fly
So bust out of this old cocoon
And dry your wings off
Butterfly
Go ahead, and fly

Its always such a lonely loom
Its sudden like a broken bone
And your luck wont always come along
So dry your tears away
Butterfly
Go ahead and fly

Dry your tears away
Butterfly
Dont you, Cry