twenty is a scary place to be

Sometimes I’m so emo. I get all quiet and like to reflect a lot. I enjoy deep conversation, but the right people are rarely around to facilitate that. Instead I blog. Therefore, I apologize in advance for the train-wreck that will follow this sentence.

I feel like I’m growing up. I don’t really know how I feel about feeling that, though. I’m getting closer to graduating and that’s scary. It’s scary to think I have no plan for my life either. That I just sort of assume there will be a way to make money, to pay rent, to pay my OSAP loans back. I just have faith. Call me crazy, but thinking that far in advance is just not going to help me now.

The older I get, the more comfortable I become with where I am geographically. When we moved here I hated it. I had lived in Saskatoon for most of my life up until that point, so living in the country wasn’t so amazing. Sure, at first there were some fun things about it - like playing outside, building forts in the bush ‘next-door’, catching frogs. Then as I got older I started noticing things about the area that I hated. A lot of the locals were pretty pigheaded and ignorant about the world, and mostly racist. Not exactly my cup of tea. Neither was country music, or talking about cows. I thought I was a city-girl and to an extent I was.

But now I’m noticing more and more just how much I value growing up in the country and just how much its become a part of who I am. Being in Montreal all summer, I think I would have gone crazy if I didn’t have four weekends away from the city and back either here in the Ottawa Valley, or in the country surrounding Montreal. For so long I’ve been totally snobby about this place, but it’s starting to grow on me a bit. I’d never want to live here or raise a family here, but it’s not a bad place to bring your kids to visit Grandpa and Grandma.

And as much as I absolutely hate to admit it. I guess there is some sort of feeling of “home” here. After moving so much in my first few years of life, my roots have finally been established here. I’ll be happy to move away because the people in the area irritate me just that much, but I’m making progress little by little. I’m growing up.