"home"

Whenever I think of the concept of "home" I think of this quote from Garden State:

Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

I used to really appreciate that, especially when I was super emo & brooding over my parents' separation. I guess I still agree with it in a lot of ways. Anyways, this post isn't about being emo!

I'm at my mom's place now. The move was decent - there was no fighting (at least between me & mom or me & kevin) and my stuff all fit in the trailer ok. Although it has been sitting in the trailer all day today in the rain. There was a tarp covering it -- I really hope that my stuff kept dry. The reason it stayed in the trailer was because my stuff is going to my dad's place and we couldn't drop it off yesterday or today.

So here I sit, in my mom's house - wearing the same clothes as yesterday because all my clothes are in the trailer, under the tarp. I guess this is a taste of having only the clothes on your back. And an iBook. and a cell phone. and an uncashed GST check. anyways... i'm blabbering.

I had a good few final days in Kingston. I will post more about that later. As it turns out, people in general all across the board appreciate 3 things about me. I will write about this later.

movie night

Thursday night movie nights at the guy's place, The Abbey, have been my favourite evening of the semester. I think part of the reason it was the best was because it was a small amount of people - some of my closest friends and some really good movies. We started off the semester by watching the Bourne movies, then eventually graduated to The Godfather and The Godfather II. We threw in a viewing of Wit and even Bride and Prejudice. It was always a treat to hang out there with my friends. I'm going to really miss that.

It wasn't just the movies that I liked or even the company; it was the routine of it all. I would struggle through a week of classes I didn't really like and then be rewarded on thursday evening. I would clean up the supper dishes and then make it to campus for 9 where I would pick up Julia from her night class and we'd walk over to the Abbey and catch up. Sometimes Kat would pick us up and we would drive over, or stop off at Mickey Dees for a late night snack.

Over the years I've really grown to appreciate these late night walks to the Abbey. Last year it would be key bonding time with Angela & sometimes some of my other housemates who managed to make it that far west. This year it was a lot of walking with Julia or Julia, Liz & Kat. This year the walk was also some good bonding time with my housemate Sarah. At the beginning of last year (3rd year) I kind of resented the distance of the Abbey from our house (20 minute walk), but I guess it has proved to have good things about it.

saying goodbyes

Saturday I said my first goodbye. My housemate Krystal left for the summer and I wont be seeing her unless/until I visit Kingston in the fall. It was the beginning of the myriad of goodbyes I will have to say this week. It was an emotional day. I've slowly begun to say goodbye to the city, noting the things that I really love about Kingston and the student Ghetto: the gross garbage all over the lawn, people playing ball hockey/frisbee/football in the street, loud loud music in the streets, people bringing their couches on to their front lawns & people-watching/watching the playoff hockey game in the evening. It's pretty much awesome. I'm happy that I will no longer have to pay ridiculous prices for absolute sketch living conditions (or will considerably less likely to be exposed to this), but I really do like this area of Kingston -- especially in the summer.

I'm going to start packing today. Getting boxes and will begin to put away my books into boxes and start packing away my clothes. I imagine there will be lots of sentimental posts in the near future.

and it begins

Yesterday I finished my last exam. Assuming I've passed all my courses, I'm finished my degree! So now I'm focusing on putting the last pieces together while I'm here in Kingston for another week. I'm finishing sending out support letters for MET, writing a women's ministry transition report, hanging out with people, staying up late watching the Daily Show & Colbert Report, hanging out with people, making gifts, taking pictures, praying for exams, and reading!

Like I mentioned the other day, I got an email from a man at church who has indicated he and his wife are interested in knowing about my support process. It was so random and encouraging to me! And then I just heard a story from my friend Kathryn who is doing STINT in France next year with a US team that she was talking to a friend & her friend said she'd like to support her -- even though she and her friend haven't kept in contact at all the last few years, and her friend isn't even a Christian.

Awhile ago I said I was looking forward to the support raising process because of all the cool stories I was hearing. While mine & kathryn's stories weren't as exciting and shocking as some of the ones I heard from Angela last summer, it seems to be the beginning of my cool stories!

5 things I liked about today

05. When exams are funny:
Q: According to Narveson, pacifists believe that:
a) Killing violates a universal moral duty
b) war violates a universal moral duty
c) the use of violence violates a universal moral duty
d) country music violates a universal moral duty
04. housemates cooking me dinner after a long day at the library
03. friends stopping by for a surprise visit with cookies.
02. When people I don't know (from church in Kingston) email me saying they're praying for my exams and are interested in knowing more about how my support process for staff is going.
01. When people say nice things to me: "You know what I discovered today? I don't want you to leave. I want us to grow old together and have babies together and we could stay here in this community forever!" (no, this wasn't a near-marriage proposal, it was said by a girl I'm discipling, Elisabeth)

My "Work" Playlist

(what I listen to when I'm working, but not intensely writing)

1. The Beginning After the End by Stars (Album: In Our Bedroom After The War)
2. Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
3. Atoms for Peace by Thom Yorke (Album: The Eraser)
4. The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists (Album: The Crane Wife)
5. Summer Love/Set The Mood Prelude by Justin Timberlake (Album: FutureSex/LoveSounds)
6. Heaven by DJSammy (remix of Bryan Adams' song)
7. LoveStoned/I Think She Knows by JT (Album: FS/LS)
8. The Eraser by Thom Yorke (Album: The Eraser)
9. Set Yourself on Fire by Stars (Album: Set Yourself on Fire)
10. Today Will Be Better, I Swear! by Stars (In Our Bedroom After the War)
11. Take Me to the Riot by Stars (see above)
12. Sleep Tonight (Junior Boys) by Stars (Do You Trust Your Friends?)
13. Lover's Spit by Broken Social Scene
14. You Got the Love by Source (feat Candi Staton).

a new favourite(ish)

I really like this song. I like a few of her other songs, except the one where the chorus goes: "je veux te voire dans un film pornographique" i'm not really into that.

words of affirmation

One thing I learned about myself this year is that I really value words of affirmation. I used to think I really didn't need them because I was secure in my identity, and then Women's Ministry happened and I was no longer secure at all. As my foundation was shaken and my leadership questioned, as I worked really hard to what seemed like no avail I began to feel like a failure.

As I got over this and the new semester began, I came to a point one evening after a Servant Team meeting where I ended up bawling in Stauffer Library. As I journalled and tried to find the source of my frustration/anxiety/whatever I realized that I just really really wanted someone to tell me they were proud of me, someone to tell me that I was doing a good job. And it couldn't have been just anyone at that point. Had my co-ST said that, I would have felt like it wasn't as meaningful for some reason. I really wanted to hear it from staff. I wanted them to say they recognized what we had been through this year and tell me I had done a good job. As I wept, I was mourning the fact that this would probably never come, that I would likely go the entire year without hearing these words spoken to me, and I could very likely go my entire life, serving faithfully, but never really getting to hear those words from the people it mattered most.

And then God gave me this image of me entering heaven up on my death. Christ, sitting at the right of the Father, stood up with this big smile on his face, opened His arms wide and walked to me. As He embraced me he said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I realized that this would be enough. This would be more than enough.

It took my pride being broken to pieces before I would acknowledge that I really needed to hear that I was doing a good job, that I was loved and appreciated. I was talking about this with Murielle, one of the girls I've been discipling this year, and she was surprised to hear I valued words of affirmation as much as I do because I don't really seem to respond to them. But honestly, they're like water in a desert for me. The next day, I found the following written on a post-it note in my room:

"... I love that I can tell when you're gettin' ready to rebuke me or when you're gettin' ready to accost me with love. Your words and your tears and your time and your silence and your life and your faith and your prayers, choices, actions, gifts, convictions, hugs and back rubs have been to me 'God's love come down!'"

Several weeks ago, I was shocked and blessed to find this in my inbox:

"I so appreciate you and your faithful perseverance in the midst of an extremely difficult situation. You have taken the high road, and have continued to follow God’s call, which is really amazing." -Hinzelman, kind of my boss.

And this, I found in my inbox tonight:

"jess! thanks for inviting me to your blog. i know this is ridiculous but i started crying as i got half-way through the posts for this year. jess, in your vulnerability, sarcasm, areas that you want to develop in yourself, you are beautiful. you are a beautiful woman of God."

It's so neat to see that once I became honest with myself about my needs, and became honest with God that I was given just what I had needed.

impact world tour

IWT, a YWAM evangelistic tour just rocked Kingston this weekend. ROCKED. I just got back from the final event and I watched what looked like a thousand people (the stadium held 6000 and it was full) walk to the front and indicate decisions to follow Christ. I watched fathers lead their families down, grandpas, grandmas and their kids, tons of teenagers, people of all ages. It was awesome. This was one night out of 3 -- and they also visited a the high schools in the area and a couple of other neighbouring towns as well as the prisons in the area. When they went to New Zealand, 20, 000 people accepted Christ during the campaign tour and over the following two years, those 20, 000 people led 60 000 others to Christ. So insane. Praise God!

malade

I have never been that sick in my life. 4:30 yesterday morning I woke up and barfed my guts out. Every 30 minutes after that the contents of my stomach was emptied into the toilet, every 30 minutes whether there was anything in it or not. The wave of nausea would come and I would dive for the bathroom. At 7:00 a housemate came down to shower and found me in the bathroom dry heaving. When I got back to my spot on the couch, she sat and prayed with me for a bit. By 9:30 my housemate Chara and one of theg girls I’ve been discipling, Murielle, came and sat with me, and my housemate left to go buy some food for sick people: gingerale, popsicles, crackers, etc.

Eventually I went up to my housemates room because she has a bathroom off of it. I laid there on her bed with music playing in the background, my friend sitting beside the bed reading Psalm 119. I was in so much pain. My body hurt everywhere, I was nauseous, I couldn’t move or else I would vom everywhere. It seriously felt like I was lying on my deathbed as Murielle read the Word. It was so perfect. As morbid as it sounds, I concluded that that is how I want to go: with my friends around not weeping or being sad about my death, but praising God.

I felt like I was reenacting the movie Wit. It's about an english Professor who teaches a course on John Donne's metaphysical poetry and how she is diagnosed with cancer and undergoes serious chemotherapy. No one comes to visit her because they're so intimidated by her. The only person who seems to care about her is her nurse. This exceptional woman,who has the hardest course in the whole school, who has never been vulnerable with anyone in her life. There she lies on her hospital bed, a shell of a woman, desperately afraid of her next dose of chemo because of what it does to her body. Her nurse comes in and they share a popsicle, as if she were a child again.

It was like that. Me lying on the bed, disgusting, sweaty, greasy, unshowered, and smelly, feeling like I was barely alive. While Murielle kept reading, Chara and Sim were there. It was so difficult for me to let them love me like that -- I had spent the entire year in conflict with them in various ways and it was only last week that I had finally apologized . And there they were, loving me while I was so undeserving. And it occurred to me, my pride has created a shield around me so that I really have a difficult time accepting people's forgiveness and grace. It physically hurt for them to touch me, and it hurt my pride to let them touch me. But I had to let them serve me, because no one else was offering (no one else really knew I was sick, though).

After they left I finally was able to get to sleep for a bit, and then the rest of the evening I was in an out of sleep until finally I slept through the night. Today has been better, but my stomach has still been seriously sore. But the worst of it is over. Thankfully.