words of affirmation

One thing I learned about myself this year is that I really value words of affirmation. I used to think I really didn't need them because I was secure in my identity, and then Women's Ministry happened and I was no longer secure at all. As my foundation was shaken and my leadership questioned, as I worked really hard to what seemed like no avail I began to feel like a failure.

As I got over this and the new semester began, I came to a point one evening after a Servant Team meeting where I ended up bawling in Stauffer Library. As I journalled and tried to find the source of my frustration/anxiety/whatever I realized that I just really really wanted someone to tell me they were proud of me, someone to tell me that I was doing a good job. And it couldn't have been just anyone at that point. Had my co-ST said that, I would have felt like it wasn't as meaningful for some reason. I really wanted to hear it from staff. I wanted them to say they recognized what we had been through this year and tell me I had done a good job. As I wept, I was mourning the fact that this would probably never come, that I would likely go the entire year without hearing these words spoken to me, and I could very likely go my entire life, serving faithfully, but never really getting to hear those words from the people it mattered most.

And then God gave me this image of me entering heaven up on my death. Christ, sitting at the right of the Father, stood up with this big smile on his face, opened His arms wide and walked to me. As He embraced me he said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I realized that this would be enough. This would be more than enough.

It took my pride being broken to pieces before I would acknowledge that I really needed to hear that I was doing a good job, that I was loved and appreciated. I was talking about this with Murielle, one of the girls I've been discipling this year, and she was surprised to hear I valued words of affirmation as much as I do because I don't really seem to respond to them. But honestly, they're like water in a desert for me. The next day, I found the following written on a post-it note in my room:

"... I love that I can tell when you're gettin' ready to rebuke me or when you're gettin' ready to accost me with love. Your words and your tears and your time and your silence and your life and your faith and your prayers, choices, actions, gifts, convictions, hugs and back rubs have been to me 'God's love come down!'"

Several weeks ago, I was shocked and blessed to find this in my inbox:

"I so appreciate you and your faithful perseverance in the midst of an extremely difficult situation. You have taken the high road, and have continued to follow God’s call, which is really amazing." -Hinzelman, kind of my boss.

And this, I found in my inbox tonight:

"jess! thanks for inviting me to your blog. i know this is ridiculous but i started crying as i got half-way through the posts for this year. jess, in your vulnerability, sarcasm, areas that you want to develop in yourself, you are beautiful. you are a beautiful woman of God."

It's so neat to see that once I became honest with myself about my needs, and became honest with God that I was given just what I had needed.