so I've made the mockup of what I want my new layout to look like. I was about to upload it, when I realized that much of the Blogger code has changed since I last edited blog code (it has been 6 years, after all). So now I have to teach myself the new stuff and translate the old code into new code. stupid blogger widget system.
so the change might take much longer than originally anticipated. such is life.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
bye bye Athena
Many of you know my old computer, Athena, died. She didn't quite bite the dust like so many computers do, but after being dropped and me tripping over the power cord and completely mangling it beyond (what I believed to be) repair, I got a new one. I knew that once the battery died, I wouldn't be able to recharge her. She was on her last leg anyways, the hard drive was practically dead.
My mom's husband Kevin wanted to see if he could fix her so he could fiddle around on her. He's never experienced a mac before. So I begrudgingly brought it to him, hoping he would get electrocuted and cease all efforts. I didn't want him to fix it because then I'd feel bad about getting a new computer, even though I knew the hard drive could go at any moment.
He fixed her, and after me spending a good chunk of time deleting all my files, erasing my histories and password keychain files, I handed her over to him.
It's so sad, I can't believe I'm almost crying! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that its midnight and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Do you know the HOURS I've spent with Athena these last three years? Probably more than with real people. She came with me practically everywhere and in a lot of ways became part of my identity. Ask anyone who was at Queen's with me: I spent my two years with my laptop in Mac-Corry Caf eating pizza either surfing academic journals or the Resources Wiki.
It actually feels very violating to know that his fingers are on her keyboard. It's not just that it's him, it's that she's my baby in someone elses arms. It feels like all my files are still there for him to see. Technically they still are on the disc until they're re-written, but I know he's not going to try to access them.
It just feels so wrong. I'm going to try and think up an excuse to get her back just so I can have peace of mind.
I know this makes me sound totally insane. But at least I know Angela understands!
and cue "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Greenday.
My mom's husband Kevin wanted to see if he could fix her so he could fiddle around on her. He's never experienced a mac before. So I begrudgingly brought it to him, hoping he would get electrocuted and cease all efforts. I didn't want him to fix it because then I'd feel bad about getting a new computer, even though I knew the hard drive could go at any moment.
He fixed her, and after me spending a good chunk of time deleting all my files, erasing my histories and password keychain files, I handed her over to him.
It's so sad, I can't believe I'm almost crying! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that its midnight and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Do you know the HOURS I've spent with Athena these last three years? Probably more than with real people. She came with me practically everywhere and in a lot of ways became part of my identity. Ask anyone who was at Queen's with me: I spent my two years with my laptop in Mac-Corry Caf eating pizza either surfing academic journals or the Resources Wiki.
It actually feels very violating to know that his fingers are on her keyboard. It's not just that it's him, it's that she's my baby in someone elses arms. It feels like all my files are still there for him to see. Technically they still are on the disc until they're re-written, but I know he's not going to try to access them.
It just feels so wrong. I'm going to try and think up an excuse to get her back just so I can have peace of mind.
I know this makes me sound totally insane. But at least I know Angela understands!
and cue "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Greenday.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
be less boring
I'm redesigning my blog in my head right now. In high school I would change my blog template pretty much every two weeks with my very limited CSS knowledge. I recently stumbled upon (sort of) my old blog from gr 12-2nd year uni and I rather enjoyed the template. I will revive it, I have decided, since mine is oh-so-boring. I just need to download GIMP and change the header.
I'm excited! I haven't touched a photoshop-like application in awhile. I miss my high school days of having nothing to do but play with photoshop for hourrrrrrrs.
I'm excited! I haven't touched a photoshop-like application in awhile. I miss my high school days of having nothing to do but play with photoshop for hourrrrrrrs.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
a good day.
I like feeling like I've actually made a decent go at things. I like to feel like I have accomplished something.
I think that's why I actually miss staying up really late, pumping myself full of caffeine, and writing an essay in a 5 hour go. Srsly.
I think that's why I actually miss staying up really late, pumping myself full of caffeine, and writing an essay in a 5 hour go. Srsly.
Friday, November 14, 2008
yet loved, accepted & adopted
"...but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time." -Tim Keller
Considering what I wrote yesterday, God's grace is even more impossible to understand. In fact, it seems easier to reject - in some twisted way - because we are so hard-wired to want to work for things. I guess that's the pride our parent's instilled in us.
Keller goes on to write,
This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin.
This also creates a radical new dynamic for discipline and obedience. First, the knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit we are flawed because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Second, it makes the law of God a thing of beauty instead of a burden. We can use it to delight and imitate the one who has saved us rather than to get his attention or procure his favor. We now run the race “for the joy that is set before us” rather than “for the fear that comes behind us.
(The quotations come from Keller's study Galatians: Living in Line with the Truth of the Gospel)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
wicked, vile, base, corrupt, monstrous, reprehensible, iniquitous
"we are more wicked than we ever dared believe..." Tim Keller
The truth of this statement has become a reality for me these past few months. I had heard this statement last from a friend and I knew its truth then. But now, it has become even more real to me. It has become so clear as I have had a better view of my own depravity. Most of us, when we hear this statement, agree with it intellectually knowing that we are all sinners according to Romans.
But before MPD I don't think I really truly had come to terms with my OWN depravity. I knew that other people were murderers and rapists and global conspirators and by definition my sin was equal to theirs. That made me really bad. But I don't think I really felt the weight of my deeds. It was more guilt by association. We all sinned in Adam, therefore I am a sinner.
However, now I know my depravity. I wrestle with it daily, hourly, on a moment-by-moment basis. I usually lose, to be quite honest. It has been the most humiliating, awful experience as I come to see my soul in a way I never thought possible.
Before MPD, this statement was more like a public service announcement to me. Like "FYI, you suck even though you don't really think you do." But it has moved from being a television PSA to something I have experienced. I know understand Romans 7 in a way I hoped I never would.
I now know the hard truth about my ongoing war against my flesh, and yet it's worse than I can even comprehend.
Oh, how pround I have been in ways I did not know.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
i'm clearly not in my own drivers seat
This morning at 8:30AM I found myself in the lobby of a caltholic highschool in Perth, a town 1.5 hours away from my hometown. It has been a year (minus 20 days) since Margaret's and my life collided in a most unusual way. This morning she was going to publicly talk about her experience and invited me to come. I really wanted to hear how she was doing and support her healing process so I actually got up at 6:30 so I could arrive on time.
She hugged me and thanked me profusely for coming and said that I was encouraged to share my perspective of her behaviour as well as how I felt and why I took her to the hospital instead of ignoring the seirous signs she was displaying like everyone else did. When she got infront of this class of students for this mental health awareness day, I was shocked by the things she was telling them. The last time I saw her she was psychotic. She was admitted into the mental health hospital where she was literally locked up because she was becoming violent with people. She admitted to the class that that night she believed she had committed suicide and was trying to travel to heaven. She believed that the exam we were writing had a different component for her that involved her running down busy streets through traffic lights. She admited that her psychosis was pot-induced, over a period of time it started with her just being paranoid when smoking up and then ended up in her mind breaking.
I stood up and shared about my perspective and the things that were going through my mind when Margaret was shouting at me, weeping on me, and nearly hitting me. I admitted that I was concerned what people were thinking of us, and part of me wanted to tell them I didn't actually know her -- that she was a complete stranger. I encouraged the students to break past the social norm of ignoring people in distress and being concerned with our outward appearance to our peers. I encouraged them to have the courage to intervene in the lives of their friends as they show signs of eating disorders, cutting, addiction and to tell someone they trust.
Margaret's mom also got up and spoke about how shocked she was that all of Margaret's housemates didn't tell anyone about Margaret's weird behaviour that she had been displaying for days prior. She explained how shocked she was that when Margaret didn't return to school in January or the following September that none of them called to see what was up. Yet, a total stranger had intervened and been following her up. I, too, was shocked by this. I had no idea the situation I was in when I was in it. I shared honestly that I was SO close to leaving her because of her weird behaviour. Had it not been the still small voice of God telling me it was a divine appointment, I would have peaced out. I wanted to. So bad. I'm so glad I didn't a) because that would have been disobedient and b) Margaret's mom is very adamant about the fact that I saved her daughter's life that night. I think can all agree that God get's credit for that one!
I'm still kind of reeling over the complete lack of compassion the people in her life had for her. And now she's paying the consequences. Her housemates let her get to the point where she COMPLETELY lost it. Nov 26 I admitted her to the hospital and she was still having episodes until February. She is still recovering. It will be a long hard road to being "normal" but she has hope. Her family and doctors are quite sure she can make a full recovery if she gets the help she needs.
As we sat in Tim Horton's after we all spoke, I shared with her how proud I was that she was taking this awful experience and sharing it with others. I also reminded her how she can take solace in God's Sovereignty. That I believe God is totally sovereign and even though it's SO HARD to accept and to hear, that he may have allowed this in order to prepare her for better things He had in store. But the most important thing to realize was that God works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.
I reminded her the story of Joseph and how his brothers sold him into slavery, and God used it for the saving of many lives. I told her she needed to stop going through all the "what ifs" in her mind and start facing forward. I shared briefly about another friend I had who went through a similar experience, but she's made a full recovery less than a year later through the Christian counselling she went through. As I explained the difference between Christian counselling and secular counselling -- using the truth of scripture to deal with the problems etc. She seemed to think that was a really good idea and wants to look into the possibility. I know they believe in God but I'm not really sure if they have a personal relationship. Please be in prayer for Margaret and her family as she continues to pick up the pieces and understand why it is that she isn't able to go back to school and graduate with her class. Pray, too, for me as I continue to keep in touch with her and encourage her through this difficult period of her life.
I also got to share about what I'm doing in Montreal and she said she'd think about people who she can tell about what I'm doing. Cool!
She hugged me and thanked me profusely for coming and said that I was encouraged to share my perspective of her behaviour as well as how I felt and why I took her to the hospital instead of ignoring the seirous signs she was displaying like everyone else did. When she got infront of this class of students for this mental health awareness day, I was shocked by the things she was telling them. The last time I saw her she was psychotic. She was admitted into the mental health hospital where she was literally locked up because she was becoming violent with people. She admitted to the class that that night she believed she had committed suicide and was trying to travel to heaven. She believed that the exam we were writing had a different component for her that involved her running down busy streets through traffic lights. She admited that her psychosis was pot-induced, over a period of time it started with her just being paranoid when smoking up and then ended up in her mind breaking.
I stood up and shared about my perspective and the things that were going through my mind when Margaret was shouting at me, weeping on me, and nearly hitting me. I admitted that I was concerned what people were thinking of us, and part of me wanted to tell them I didn't actually know her -- that she was a complete stranger. I encouraged the students to break past the social norm of ignoring people in distress and being concerned with our outward appearance to our peers. I encouraged them to have the courage to intervene in the lives of their friends as they show signs of eating disorders, cutting, addiction and to tell someone they trust.
Margaret's mom also got up and spoke about how shocked she was that all of Margaret's housemates didn't tell anyone about Margaret's weird behaviour that she had been displaying for days prior. She explained how shocked she was that when Margaret didn't return to school in January or the following September that none of them called to see what was up. Yet, a total stranger had intervened and been following her up. I, too, was shocked by this. I had no idea the situation I was in when I was in it. I shared honestly that I was SO close to leaving her because of her weird behaviour. Had it not been the still small voice of God telling me it was a divine appointment, I would have peaced out. I wanted to. So bad. I'm so glad I didn't a) because that would have been disobedient and b) Margaret's mom is very adamant about the fact that I saved her daughter's life that night. I think can all agree that God get's credit for that one!
I'm still kind of reeling over the complete lack of compassion the people in her life had for her. And now she's paying the consequences. Her housemates let her get to the point where she COMPLETELY lost it. Nov 26 I admitted her to the hospital and she was still having episodes until February. She is still recovering. It will be a long hard road to being "normal" but she has hope. Her family and doctors are quite sure she can make a full recovery if she gets the help she needs.
As we sat in Tim Horton's after we all spoke, I shared with her how proud I was that she was taking this awful experience and sharing it with others. I also reminded her how she can take solace in God's Sovereignty. That I believe God is totally sovereign and even though it's SO HARD to accept and to hear, that he may have allowed this in order to prepare her for better things He had in store. But the most important thing to realize was that God works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.
I reminded her the story of Joseph and how his brothers sold him into slavery, and God used it for the saving of many lives. I told her she needed to stop going through all the "what ifs" in her mind and start facing forward. I shared briefly about another friend I had who went through a similar experience, but she's made a full recovery less than a year later through the Christian counselling she went through. As I explained the difference between Christian counselling and secular counselling -- using the truth of scripture to deal with the problems etc. She seemed to think that was a really good idea and wants to look into the possibility. I know they believe in God but I'm not really sure if they have a personal relationship. Please be in prayer for Margaret and her family as she continues to pick up the pieces and understand why it is that she isn't able to go back to school and graduate with her class. Pray, too, for me as I continue to keep in touch with her and encourage her through this difficult period of her life.
I also got to share about what I'm doing in Montreal and she said she'd think about people who she can tell about what I'm doing. Cool!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I concede
This morning I realized a lot of things about the last few months. As I previously blogged about last week, things seem to be finally changing for me. After a phone call from an older, wiser, MDiv toting fellow staff member last night I feel a lot different about my MPD.
I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.
I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.
I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.
Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.
This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.
I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.
It feels sooo good.
I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.
I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.
I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.
Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.
This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.
I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.
It feels sooo good.
Monday, November 03, 2008
today's finds
I like information. A lot. My Birkman says I'm a knowledge bank, if perhaps only a mediocre one. Therefore I surf the net and absorb lots of info. Here are some things I've picked up in the last few days:
Random Things
Random Things
- 40 Beautiful Free Icon Sets by Six Revisions
- Flock browser. If you're into social networking sites like Facebook, Flickr, Digg, StumbleUpon, twitter, del.icio.us etc. you'll find this browser has everything you need built right in. It's pretty awesome.
- November is the month where thousands of people finally write a novel. With NationalNovelWritingMonth (NaNoWriMo). The goal is to write a book of 50, 000+ words. Quantity, not quality is key. You've only lost 3 days so you still have time to start. It's REALLY FUN. I did it in first year. It was one of the most insane things I've ever done, but it was incredibly rewarding. How many people can say they've written a book? Seriously, DO IT once in your life.
- As flu/sickness season approaches, better start strengthening your immune system. Here are 6 Steps on how to do it.
- Today is Cliché Day. Check out clichésite.com for some of the best. Actually... that's a terrible site. It just lists phrases or idioms, not really clichés.
- Rogers/Fido may be dropping system access fees!
- eMANcipate's pantyhose design of the week? Men wearing pantyhose.... it's not even tranny-like either. what is going on??
divergently
I love this font. It's glorious. It's like an edgy script with a medieval twist.
Sadly, it's not something you could use very regularly. But still.... I can look and enjoy!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
this is why I like craigslist missed connections
cause people write stuff like this:
You served me tea and wine and you left me speechless, so I didn't have much to say. But now that I'm home and the spell is slowly starting to wear off, I can take the time to thank you for burning an image in my head of the smile you gave me when we said goodbye.You define beauty.
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