- Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing
- Jim's best pranks from The Office (and here are some of the clips on YouTube)
- Viral: Parry Gripp, the Weird Al Yankovic of YouTube
- The Best Music Video Ever
- How to use custom artwork for Genres in iTunes (and a Flickr pool of people's artwork)
- A "double" music video. SO GOOD!
Monday, December 15, 2008
be prepared to waste time be entertained
I love the internet. I have been very much enamoured with it since high school. Mostly because I'm nerdy. I like nerdy things. The internet is very nerdy with all its information and geeky videos of chubby teenagers playing with fake light sabers. So here are some things I've enjoyed or thought were interesting from the last few weeks. Some are tremendously funny.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
i wont quit, but the tiredness in me wants to
Some of you know that last week I met with a counselor to discuss her opinion on whether I was actually depressed or not. Through a tearful one hour meeting she confirmed my suspicions and uprooted some more lies I had been believing. It was a relief to have my experience labeled as something people more or less understood and are aware of the need to get better.
On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.
Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.
In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.
The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.
On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.
Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.
In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.
The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.
Monday, December 08, 2008
let it rain
I heard this song on Sunday. I really like it. The song is "Waiting for the Rain" by Misty Edwards. You can find it on iTunes here.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
post script
Some of you have been responding to my last post by email & text message offering words of encouragement etc. I really appreciate that.
Tonight I had a really good conversation with another staff member that was so encouraging, so enlightening. He shared some of the difficult things he found with the two times he did MPD, which was so true of my experience as well. I can't explain to you how important it is to hear about other people's experiences. It qualifies your own and shows you that you're not alone. Somehow knowing that other people have experienced things like mine makes it not as bad.
He also pointed out one of my big sins: fear of man. This is huge. Being able to put my finger on it, and address this is so key for me in being able to put my sin to death. He gave me practical advice on HOW to put it to death and encouragement that it's possible to kill it.
I realized, again, how greatly lies affect me. I uncovered a big big big (embarassing to think I believed it) lie that has been plaguing me about stepping down from women's ministry. I wont go into it right now .... it's pretty absurd, but it's also related to my fear of man. Basically, I realized that satan had convinced me that I was experiencing something that was actually imposisble -- that I was shamed in the act of stepping down from women's min .... when in reality a) that's not possible and b) so many people told me that they didn't htink differently about me after i did it. This is kind of a breakthrough moment for me in that I've been really trying to comprehend how satan can convince us SO thorroughly of things that are not true, that hold no water. For example, that we're slaves to sin, when really Christ has freed us from that bondage. Yet we behave as if we are not free. This has been a huge thing to wrestle through in my mind the last 2 months.
I think finally I have come into an understanding of this issue through experiencing it. God has taken of my blinders to the ways in which satan had been entangling me, which is actually an answer to a prayer i had prayed earlier today in one of my training sessions.
Tonight I had a really good conversation with another staff member that was so encouraging, so enlightening. He shared some of the difficult things he found with the two times he did MPD, which was so true of my experience as well. I can't explain to you how important it is to hear about other people's experiences. It qualifies your own and shows you that you're not alone. Somehow knowing that other people have experienced things like mine makes it not as bad.
He also pointed out one of my big sins: fear of man. This is huge. Being able to put my finger on it, and address this is so key for me in being able to put my sin to death. He gave me practical advice on HOW to put it to death and encouragement that it's possible to kill it.
I realized, again, how greatly lies affect me. I uncovered a big big big (embarassing to think I believed it) lie that has been plaguing me about stepping down from women's ministry. I wont go into it right now .... it's pretty absurd, but it's also related to my fear of man. Basically, I realized that satan had convinced me that I was experiencing something that was actually imposisble -- that I was shamed in the act of stepping down from women's min .... when in reality a) that's not possible and b) so many people told me that they didn't htink differently about me after i did it. This is kind of a breakthrough moment for me in that I've been really trying to comprehend how satan can convince us SO thorroughly of things that are not true, that hold no water. For example, that we're slaves to sin, when really Christ has freed us from that bondage. Yet we behave as if we are not free. This has been a huge thing to wrestle through in my mind the last 2 months.
I think finally I have come into an understanding of this issue through experiencing it. God has taken of my blinders to the ways in which satan had been entangling me, which is actually an answer to a prayer i had prayed earlier today in one of my training sessions.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
pensées
I've been startled to realize that even here at staff training I'm not happy. I love being surrounded by some of my favourite people, so many wise, experienced Christians who I look up to so much. But I'm not happy.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. I don't have a reason to complain, either. MPD is what it is. My life is what it is, I've accepted that. But I'm not really doing well. I'm not really loving life, nor enjoying it. I guess I'm kind of numb and I don't know why.
I was really expecting to come to this training and be really encouraged by nature of being around so many people with a shared passion for the Lord and vision for the nations, but in all honesty.... it's not really all that special.
I think I've been looking to other things to make me happy.... coming to this training, being at Winter Conference, going to Montreal. I've struggled to enjoy God. I've struggled to do anything, really.
The most concerning thing, though, is not that I'm unhappy and not that this training week isn't all that I had anticipated (yet), but my interaction with people. When they ask how I'm doing, or whenever I get into a conversation about my life as it is now - I'm constantly on the verge of tears. At home, it's easy not to think about the reality of my situation. It's just like Pascal says in his Pensées: we keep ourselves busy so that we don't have to address the issue of our deep loneliness or confusion about our place in the world. Take away the busyness and people realize their need for God. Similarly, I guess until this week I've been able to kind of distract myself from the fact that I'm not ok. I'm not feeling normal. I'm not the person I was even this spring, that I enjoyed being.
It's made me wonder... maybe I am a little tiny bit depressed.
I'm going to nap now before supper. I don't want my dinner conversation to make me cry
When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. I don't have a reason to complain, either. MPD is what it is. My life is what it is, I've accepted that. But I'm not really doing well. I'm not really loving life, nor enjoying it. I guess I'm kind of numb and I don't know why.
I was really expecting to come to this training and be really encouraged by nature of being around so many people with a shared passion for the Lord and vision for the nations, but in all honesty.... it's not really all that special.
I think I've been looking to other things to make me happy.... coming to this training, being at Winter Conference, going to Montreal. I've struggled to enjoy God. I've struggled to do anything, really.
The most concerning thing, though, is not that I'm unhappy and not that this training week isn't all that I had anticipated (yet), but my interaction with people. When they ask how I'm doing, or whenever I get into a conversation about my life as it is now - I'm constantly on the verge of tears. At home, it's easy not to think about the reality of my situation. It's just like Pascal says in his Pensées: we keep ourselves busy so that we don't have to address the issue of our deep loneliness or confusion about our place in the world. Take away the busyness and people realize their need for God. Similarly, I guess until this week I've been able to kind of distract myself from the fact that I'm not ok. I'm not feeling normal. I'm not the person I was even this spring, that I enjoyed being.
It's made me wonder... maybe I am a little tiny bit depressed.
I'm going to nap now before supper. I don't want my dinner conversation to make me cry
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