Some of you know that last week I met with a counselor to discuss her opinion on whether I was actually depressed or not. Through a tearful one hour meeting she confirmed my suspicions and uprooted some more lies I had been believing. It was a relief to have my experience labeled as something people more or less understood and are aware of the need to get better.
On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.
Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.
In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.
The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.
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Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 corinthians 4.
Hey Jess - a couple weeks too late, but I wanted to say:
God will and is redeeming your time in MPD. Who knows what's making this time worth it, but He promises that because He loves you, He's making sure it doesn't go to waste.
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