pensées

I've been startled to realize that even here at staff training I'm not happy. I love being surrounded by some of my favourite people, so many wise, experienced Christians who I look up to so much. But I'm not happy.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. I don't have a reason to complain, either. MPD is what it is. My life is what it is, I've accepted that. But I'm not really doing well. I'm not really loving life, nor enjoying it. I guess I'm kind of numb and I don't know why.

I was really expecting to come to this training and be really encouraged by nature of being around so many people with a shared passion for the Lord and vision for the nations, but in all honesty.... it's not really all that special.

I think I've been looking to other things to make me happy.... coming to this training, being at Winter Conference, going to Montreal. I've struggled to enjoy God. I've struggled to do anything, really.

The most concerning thing, though, is not that I'm unhappy and not that this training week isn't all that I had anticipated (yet), but my interaction with people. When they ask how I'm doing, or whenever I get into a conversation about my life as it is now - I'm constantly on the verge of tears. At home, it's easy not to think about the reality of my situation. It's just like Pascal says in his Pensées: we keep ourselves busy so that we don't have to address the issue of our deep loneliness or confusion about our place in the world. Take away the busyness and people realize their need for God. Similarly, I guess until this week I've been able to kind of distract myself from the fact that I'm not ok. I'm not feeling normal. I'm not the person I was even this spring, that I enjoyed being.

It's made me wonder... maybe I am a little tiny bit depressed.

I'm going to nap now before supper. I don't want my dinner conversation to make me cry