normal is scary.

I arrived at the Ottawa Via Rail station at 7 pm tonight and proceeded to talk my dad's ear off for three hours. After three hours of talking about everything that's going on in my life, all the decisions I have to make and all the responsibilities I have, course issues, and problems I'm facing, I came to one conclusion. One scary unexpected solution:

I'm not going to Uganda and probably wont do my 'development project' at all next summer. I realized that I was doign it all for the wrong reasons. I think I knew that when I applied in the beginning, but I never really came to a conclusion on it - or I didn't have the courage to not go ahead with the application. Yes, it is a matter of mustering the courage to decide not to go. Straying from the norm is so weird for me. It's so natural for me to go all over the world doing all these random things, and I think I like that idea of me. I think I like that person more than I really like myself in some ways. But if I were to go, I would go because it's what people expect of me (or what I think they expect of me), I would go because I expect it of me, I would go to impress people. I'm just not ok with those reasons and those as my motives. It just feels wrong, all wrong.

I really believe there's something I need to be here in Canada, namely Kingston for. I don't know what yet, I just know that in the last two hours since I realized that I shouldn't/don't really want to go to Uganda, I've felt so much peace about it. Sure it would be a great experience, but it's an experience I could get later on in life.

It's going to be hard to tell people. Especially the people in my program and everyone else i've been bragging to, because people will think i'm afraid to go - and i am a little - but i'm not bailing because I can't handle it. Challenge is good. I just wish I had more concrete things to tell people, something more than my weird new-age answer 'I just feeeeeel that there's something else out there for me." Sometimes I'm so crazy.