the elephant in the room

If you could see me right now I think you would laugh as your heart went out to me in some sort of amused pity. I'm sitting here in my PJs, still in bed eating Cadbury Mini Eggs (for breakfast) reading article on article about singleness.

I'm not sad. Really, I promise. But I would like to discuss the elephant in the room. I've been thinking about this on and off the last couple weeks/months. I haven't been very honest about it ever before because I think there is a lot of embarrassment attached to it because I don't want to feel this way. I guess I'll explain how this started. Last night I watched a really informative interview (it starts around 26:00) about men mostly because I had too much Pepsi before I went to bed and couldn't sleep so I figured I'd do something semi-productive. Then I woke up this morning wondering why I felt that pang of loneliness in my heart. Oh right. It's because I watched this video on essentially how to be a good wife and I definitely do not have a husband right now.

So then I went to Boundless (even though sometimes I hate that website) to find something that would encourage me or rebuke me or something. I found this article that did rebuke me but also pointed out that I'm totally not crazy.

You see, in the last few weeks a few of my friends have started relationships. This is REALLY WONDERFUL. I'm very pleased for them! But let's be honest, it's not exactly easy to all of a sudden be hearing all this information about how wonderful the man is in their life. Because they're my friends and I love them and I truly want to know what's going on in their life, I ask them about the relationship. How is it going? What are you learning? Etc. I totally want to journey with them on this thing. But then the other part of me is seriously like "if I hear another comment about how wonderful their life is now that they're not single I might go crazy". I don't want to feel this way. Like the author of the article said and I'm embarrassed to admit it's true about me (but I'll say it for the sake of everyone else who has thought the same thing at one point or another), "God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible."

But it is; it's commanded.

This whole scenario reminds me of a situation that happened in my house a few years ago. I had a housemate who was in a relationship and she talked about it a lot - like most girls do. One day another single housemate kind of blew up and said something to the effect of, "Please don't talk about him anymore to me. I can't handle it." The friend who was in the relationship was really hurt and confused. The single girl later went back to her and repented for what she said and admitted that she did want to be a part of Relationship Girl's life, it was just really hard for Single Girl. I think this is a common dillema. If a single girl is truly ok with you talking about your boyfriend/husband all the time, it's because God has brought her into a season of real contentment, or she's lying to you. I've pretty much done it. The lying part. I think it was more out of a desire to want to be ok with my singleness when I wasn't really as ok as I had thought. On the other hand, I've also been through those seasons where I was totally so OK with being single because I was so excited about what God had for me in the present.

In my article jumping this morning I found another one called "Seven Myths Single Women Believe" and it's SO TRUE. I'll list them here so you can be lazy:

1. God will give me a husband when I'm ready
2. God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child
3. When it's the right guy, I'll just know
4. When I get married, then my life will begin
5. Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs
6. There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest
7. The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone.
   

In my life thus far I have believed every one of these myths at one point or another. For the longest time I believed 1-4. Mostly #4.

But when I got over #4 I started believing #2 again. Like, I'm serving some sort of purpose as a single person and once that purpose as a single is served I'll get a husband. There's probably some truth to that, but it totally ignores the fact that God loves me because it's his nature, not because I've done my single-woman duties.

And then other times I wonder, is my problem that I have too much choice? If this were the 1950s I would have probably settled down with a guy already because I would have not been so driven to accomplish my own things and had my own ideas of what I want that go above and beyond just a Godly man. Challies reminded me of this today in his article. Sometimes I also wonder if the characteristics I'm looking for in a man are too specific and I'm setting this standard of "perfection" that no man can really live up to? Or are these qualities things God has put in my heart because He knows what I need better than I do? I resigned to trust that they were God-given until he changed my heart about them. This article called "My Single Identity Baggage" was challenging too.

Anyways, I have been duly rebuked by the first article. I need to rejoice with those who rejoice. I have always wanted to, but I guess I felt justified in my mini pity party.

I really am happy for you, friends in relationships. I'm going to be better at rejoicing with you in word and in spirit. And one day you will be able to rejoice with me too!