I just realized how alone I feel. I have this huge "support network" with people @ C4C, with my housemates and with my family, but I feel so dreadfully alone. I can't talk to anyone about what's going on in my life because I have to protect people's identity. I can't be honest about what's eating away at me. No one should have to do the things I've done this week; I wouldn't wish these things on my worst enemy. I've been strong, but I don't know if I'm able to be strong anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my housemates about it because I don't want to make anyone feel guilty, I don't want to open up any wounds and I can't afford any conflict. No one should have to go through this alone. But I feel like even if I had a bazillion people to tell and I COULD tell them, coping with this is still so very painfully hard. This is an awesome opportunity for me to be mad at God, but I'm not. I'm praising him for giving me the strength to get me this far. I'm praising him for protecting me and the ppl involved. I'm praising him in advance for the awesome things He's going to do through this.
But right now it fucking sucks.
excuse my language, but I really don't think anything else really explains it properly right now.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
10 reasons why I love my housemates
1. free guitar lessons
2. free food
3. copious amounts of tea
4. massages!
5. late night fitness challenges which leave me in pain 5 days later
6. lessons in being warm & compassionate
7. spontaneous discipleship on casting vision in the kitchen (living with the Key Student Leader of C4C gets lots of fringe benifits!!)*
8. late night chats about discipleship
9. praying for everything
10. i come home and they've cleaned my room!
*that is, vision casting is not simply restricted to the kitchen, rather this discipleship took place in the kitchen.
2. free food
3. copious amounts of tea
4. massages!
5. late night fitness challenges which leave me in pain 5 days later
6. lessons in being warm & compassionate
7. spontaneous discipleship on casting vision in the kitchen (living with the Key Student Leader of C4C gets lots of fringe benifits!!)*
8. late night chats about discipleship
9. praying for everything
10. i come home and they've cleaned my room!
*that is, vision casting is not simply restricted to the kitchen, rather this discipleship took place in the kitchen.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
impacting the world one student at a time
So I was brainstorming with one of my disciples yesterday about how she could impact the world. I told her it was possible for her to impact it, and she didn't believe me. So I showed her how Lydia, through one disciple, was impacting the world for God; just think of what kind of impact she is making through all the other women she is influencing. She discipled me last summer in Montreal for half of the summer, and I in turn turned around and finished where she left off discipling 5 other girls, and in coming back to Kingston have been discipling 5 more. It looks a bit like this (this is the shorter version, using only one of the girls from Queen's, the one i was having a meeting with):
Through me, Lydia has impacted most of the major cities in Canada: Saskatoon, Quebec City, Vancouver, Kingston, Toronto/Etobikoke. Rainbow is now in As, Norway. I'm hoping to spend a year in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania and who knows where else these women will go? Jess has huge ties to China, Hannah to Mali and Algeria...
It was kind of crazy and exciting to see written down how one woman has made a summer of service and dedication to God turn into a life changing/world changing friendship.
Lydia
|
me
/ | \
Danae Hannah Jess Rainbow Caitlyn
|
me
/ | \
Danae Hannah Jess Rainbow Caitlyn
Through me, Lydia has impacted most of the major cities in Canada: Saskatoon, Quebec City, Vancouver, Kingston, Toronto/Etobikoke. Rainbow is now in As, Norway. I'm hoping to spend a year in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania and who knows where else these women will go? Jess has huge ties to China, Hannah to Mali and Algeria...
It was kind of crazy and exciting to see written down how one woman has made a summer of service and dedication to God turn into a life changing/world changing friendship.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
the "b" word
Balance.
I'm so bad at it. Always have been and I feel like I always will be. I'm getting better at eating a balanced diet, but that's still pretty sketchy. I know full well the consequences of not eating properly and intend to avoid those. Ever since I remember I've struggled with keeping God the focus of my life - something I think all Christians have a hard time doing. It's quite similar to eating a balanced diet: you know its good for you, you like how you feel when you're doing it, and it even tastes good but somehow life just gets in the way.
I'm only into my second week of classes of this semester and I feel like its been a whole entire month. Let's just say there's been a lot going on around here. C4C is having this big outreach, which I've been planning and trying to execute publicity on. I've been really blown away by what God's doing on the campus here - on so many different levels. But I realized today that I haven't been doing much else. I haven't been doing lots of publicity because there's not much to do, but I've been so immersed in it - in thoughts of God and C4C that I'm definitely not living a balanced lifestyle right now.
I need to find a happy medium between school and C4C/God/ministry. I need to remember to have a life and enjoy it. It's not that I'm not enjoying my life right now. I love ministry. But I'm also a student here and it's kind of my JOB to be a student. And that's ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a bad Christian for not giving my heart and soul and ALL MY TIME into ministry. Clearly that's innacurate. "For it is by GRACE that I have been saved THROUGH FAITH- this not from yourselves, it is a gift from God so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
I'm so bad at it. Always have been and I feel like I always will be. I'm getting better at eating a balanced diet, but that's still pretty sketchy. I know full well the consequences of not eating properly and intend to avoid those. Ever since I remember I've struggled with keeping God the focus of my life - something I think all Christians have a hard time doing. It's quite similar to eating a balanced diet: you know its good for you, you like how you feel when you're doing it, and it even tastes good but somehow life just gets in the way.
I'm only into my second week of classes of this semester and I feel like its been a whole entire month. Let's just say there's been a lot going on around here. C4C is having this big outreach, which I've been planning and trying to execute publicity on. I've been really blown away by what God's doing on the campus here - on so many different levels. But I realized today that I haven't been doing much else. I haven't been doing lots of publicity because there's not much to do, but I've been so immersed in it - in thoughts of God and C4C that I'm definitely not living a balanced lifestyle right now.
I need to find a happy medium between school and C4C/God/ministry. I need to remember to have a life and enjoy it. It's not that I'm not enjoying my life right now. I love ministry. But I'm also a student here and it's kind of my JOB to be a student. And that's ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a bad Christian for not giving my heart and soul and ALL MY TIME into ministry. Clearly that's innacurate. "For it is by GRACE that I have been saved THROUGH FAITH- this not from yourselves, it is a gift from God so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Monday, January 08, 2007
new things
It's a new year, a new semester. I like the idea of new seasons, opportunities to start over and make things right again. It's like January is a time of forgiveness, where all things done the previous year are forgotten and ammends are made. I started writing this earlier today, before I started to second guess myself.
I hate mornings. Well, mornings aren't bad in themselves. Mornings are fine as long as I'm sleeping through them. I hate the prospect of being in class in the morning. I like the way the sun hits the buildings with that burnt orange colour as its rising... but mornings are not my friend. And you know, I don't even know if its the morning that I hate so much, or the lack of sleep that comes with the morning. Perhaps if I went to bed earlier I wouldn't hate mornings so much - but that would require me missing out on the social action here at Chateau William and I don't think I could handle that. I hate being on the outside; I'm always looking for an in.
I second guess myself a lot. Earlier today I was stoked for my oral french class. Excited that I'll be able to finally speak better french by the end of the semester. But now I look at my schedule and realize that I'm going to have to wake up *before* 8 on tuesdays, and at 9am wednesdays and fridays. I know, I know, I'm pathetic for whining - if you want you could even throw at me the argument that girls around the world would LOVE to have the opportunity to even go to school at all. And I'm whining. Whatever. I hate mornings. And I'm seriously considering dropping that french class because it will be a challenge. And not only will it be a challenge, I'll have to get up early in the morning and I will be bitter in it and at it.
I mentioned dropping the class to Lydia and she replied: "since when you do back down from a challenge?"
You'd think that I was tough and like challenge. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it doesn't bother me and I'm just like "whatever, let's do this thang" but there are many times when I bail, many times when I step aside and let an opportunity pass me by. My apathy will allow me to look back with no regret and smile to myself because I just made my life a little easier. I shouldn't live my life always attempting to make it easier. But, hey! Sometimes easy is nice.
I hate mornings. Well, mornings aren't bad in themselves. Mornings are fine as long as I'm sleeping through them. I hate the prospect of being in class in the morning. I like the way the sun hits the buildings with that burnt orange colour as its rising... but mornings are not my friend. And you know, I don't even know if its the morning that I hate so much, or the lack of sleep that comes with the morning. Perhaps if I went to bed earlier I wouldn't hate mornings so much - but that would require me missing out on the social action here at Chateau William and I don't think I could handle that. I hate being on the outside; I'm always looking for an in.
I second guess myself a lot. Earlier today I was stoked for my oral french class. Excited that I'll be able to finally speak better french by the end of the semester. But now I look at my schedule and realize that I'm going to have to wake up *before* 8 on tuesdays, and at 9am wednesdays and fridays. I know, I know, I'm pathetic for whining - if you want you could even throw at me the argument that girls around the world would LOVE to have the opportunity to even go to school at all. And I'm whining. Whatever. I hate mornings. And I'm seriously considering dropping that french class because it will be a challenge. And not only will it be a challenge, I'll have to get up early in the morning and I will be bitter in it and at it.
I mentioned dropping the class to Lydia and she replied: "since when you do back down from a challenge?"
You'd think that I was tough and like challenge. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it doesn't bother me and I'm just like "whatever, let's do this thang" but there are many times when I bail, many times when I step aside and let an opportunity pass me by. My apathy will allow me to look back with no regret and smile to myself because I just made my life a little easier. I shouldn't live my life always attempting to make it easier. But, hey! Sometimes easy is nice.
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