sacrifice

Today after one of my classes (actually, my only class on Tuesday) we got to talking about plans for next year. A couple of the girls were mentioning some of the grad schools that they're applying to. As I was walking home I started to feel left out and in some ways kind of mourning the fact that I'm not going through this whole grad-school application process along with them. I'm not going to be able to sit around with them and complain/discuss their application papers that they're writing; I'm not going to be able to be a part of the academic world that they'll be pursuing next year. It makes me sad to think that I'm not going to be reading articles about political drama unfolding against the state in colonial Kenya next year. I'm not going to have that academic prestige that my friends are going to have.

I'm not doubting what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm not saying that I should change my plans just because I want to go to grad school. I want a lot of things, but it doesn't make it good or right for me. I know that I'm following the path that God is leading me on. I guess I'm realizing more and more the sacrifices that I will have to make in joining staff... like getting married. A lot of single women who join staff never get married, or don't get married until a lot later in life. Plus, I'm eventually going to have to tell my peers what I'm doing after school and risk them think I'm some religious colonizer who cares nothing for people's actual well-being and have this western imperialist agenda, rather than it being Christ's love that compels me to do this - cause if it were up to me I'd probably say 'let them live the consequences of the choices they make, even if it is in ignorance of a free life they could be living' and do my own thing @ grad school or wherever. That's going to be scary!