on stubbornness

In the last few days I've been realizing how stubborn I am and how this has been really affecting my life in the last little while. The lethal combination has really been my stubbornness + laziness + selfishness. I realized last night that my stubbornness is the reason that I've done pretty poorly in several of my classes last year - especially (ESPECIALLY) my french classes. I hate learning french in class; i'm terrible at it. My grammar could make small children run away screaming in horror and in ugly pain. Profs put on sackcloth and ashes. I'm just bad at it! I learn best by being immersed in the language. And so class after class it's a fight between my moral self and my stubborn self in getting me to actually go to my class. Last year Kathryn and I skipped a lot of our french classes because I could always justify to myself reasons I should get out of them. As a result of that, I vowed that I wouldn't take any more french classes because its kind of a waste of my time and money. And yet, somehow, I'm enrolled in 2 this semester.

I did this because I figure I should make an effort to learn french since I hope to move to Quebec in the fall. But last night when I realized my only classes are french classes today, my heart stiffened and I was dead set in my attitude of not wanting to go. I know intellectually I should keep up with these classes. One is an oral course, and the other is Genres of Quebecois Literature. I just don't think I have the fight in me to force myself to go to the second one. But the other problem is finding a course that fits that wont make me totally annoyed at cynical 'academic' discourse.

Another way my stubbornness has reared her fiercely ugly head is in my stupid hate for grocery shopping. I actually don't even really hate it much. I even have time and access to a vehicle to make it easier. I just will always inevitably put it off until I'm left spending too much money on campus feeding my laziness. I need self-discipline!