i'm a basket case

It's here again, the cloud over my heart. It's the feeling of thoughtfulness, of meaning. The feeling that I get when the end of an era happens, or I read an especially well versed book - something that really gets to me, that cuts to the core. Like Blue Like Jazz or Unless. The totally embarassing thing is, the series finale of The OC did it for me. For a couple reasons I think: firstly, because the end of the OC is the end of an era. It's the show that my high school friends and I would always talk about the next day before class. It's the show that no matter how crappy it was, we'd totally all be watching it. The second reason is that at the end of the show, there were a couple of scenes between Kaitlin and Julie that really got to me. I wished sitting on the couch that my mom would know that those were the things I wanted to say to her. I wanted her to say that we could do this together, alone. I wanted her to have the epiphany moment where she realizes that her relationship with Kevin is self-destructive. But I think that moment of enlightenment was lost on her, and that is really sad; I'm still mourning the loss of my mother to a man who doesn't even love himself.

And then there's all this talk about France in the series. Taylor keeps going there and coming back and pining for France. And in my last post I talked about how I know where I need to be and France isn't it (I don't think).... but I'm not so sure right now. I know, I know, I change my mind a lot and everything. But the desire is just so strong!! I... I don't know. Money is such a nuisance. (And I know that it wont solve my problems, but sometimes I like to think it will).