barftastic

So my older brother is up for the weekend to visit and brought his gf. She's spent the weekend here once before - sometime last winter as well. I was able to stomach their gushy-ness for the most part, until my brother started acting.... happy. It was weird. Jordan isn't the type of person I would characterize as "happy" ever. haha kinda weird. And then my little brother's gf comes over, which is totally a first. it's Jordan's first real girlfriend, and nick - well - its the first time they've all been here. Can I tell you it was awkward? I mean, only for me cause it was like every time I turned around someone was kissing someone, or LAYING on someone.... awkward city. It was another reminder of how pathetically single and prudish I am. I always kind of thought I was ok with mild PDAs, but this was weirdddd. And this isn't technically "public" areas either, but it was still weird. LAYING ON EACH OTHER?

And guess what? Only 5ish more weeks of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also: you totally have to check this out, it makes life worth living:

i'm a basket case

It's here again, the cloud over my heart. It's the feeling of thoughtfulness, of meaning. The feeling that I get when the end of an era happens, or I read an especially well versed book - something that really gets to me, that cuts to the core. Like Blue Like Jazz or Unless. The totally embarassing thing is, the series finale of The OC did it for me. For a couple reasons I think: firstly, because the end of the OC is the end of an era. It's the show that my high school friends and I would always talk about the next day before class. It's the show that no matter how crappy it was, we'd totally all be watching it. The second reason is that at the end of the show, there were a couple of scenes between Kaitlin and Julie that really got to me. I wished sitting on the couch that my mom would know that those were the things I wanted to say to her. I wanted her to say that we could do this together, alone. I wanted her to have the epiphany moment where she realizes that her relationship with Kevin is self-destructive. But I think that moment of enlightenment was lost on her, and that is really sad; I'm still mourning the loss of my mother to a man who doesn't even love himself.

And then there's all this talk about France in the series. Taylor keeps going there and coming back and pining for France. And in my last post I talked about how I know where I need to be and France isn't it (I don't think).... but I'm not so sure right now. I know, I know, I change my mind a lot and everything. But the desire is just so strong!! I... I don't know. Money is such a nuisance. (And I know that it wont solve my problems, but sometimes I like to think it will).

thinking about my future

I really love languages. I love that I can sort of speak french (well, enough to get by) and I really want to start learning Spanish as well. Everyone says it'll be easy for me to learn because I already have a good handle on French and Spanish is easy to learn as it is. I was online looking at ways to easily pick up a language and came across these sites: How To Learn A Foreign Language, How I learned French in One Year, How To Learn A Language Quickly.

All this talk about learning languages made me wonder why I have been thinking so much about going on STINT to Tanzania and not more about spending a year on STINT in France like I had been thinking about last fall. I sort of had a mini-dillema: I had been thinking about spending a year in Tanz, telling people - planning etc, and now I'm reconsidering?? AGAIN? lol i change my mind SO MUCH, I really need to stay set on a decision.

So I was thinking about it: does it ultimately really matter what I do the year following University? My mini/vague rigid-stance-of-total-flexibility plan is to spend a year on STINT and then come back and join staff in Montreal for a couple years and then maybe go on to bigger and better things. It seemed like maybe it made better sense to spend a year in France getting a better handle on the language before I come back to Montreal. But, then I would be doing anything development related - well at least getting experience living in a 'developing' country. So I felt this sadness: do I follow my passion for Francophonie, or for development. Later on in life after I get more missions/development experience and a Masters in Int'l Dev I would like to perhaps teach Development @ a Missions seminary or something.

So in talking at Lydia for a couple seconds before she bailed on me for a better loved friend (joke) I figured it out. While spending the year in France would improve my speaking skills drastically, I can do the same in Montreal (sort of), but I can't get the year experience of living in Tanzania in France (obviously). Plus, there are a lot of students at schools like U de M from Cameroon and other French speaking African countries. So yeah... I figured out my own dillema I think. We'll see.

sighhh

I am exhausted. Absoslutely exhausted from this past semester. But, it's been good. I'm not exhausted to the point where I resent anyone or anything - THIS IS GOOD NEWS. Life is tiring, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. I'm really looking for reading week, and I'm really so tired I feel like I can barely move. All I want to do is sit infront of the TV and be a vegetable. So basically, I want to be gloria. I really don't want to do all the things I have to do tonight, but I have to and so I will. I've finished all my assignments and skipped SO MUCH CLASS it's rediculous. You'd think I wasn't paying millions of dollars in tuition or something. But alas I am, and I'm skipping. OH GLORY HALELUJAH peekvid.com is up and running again. SEE? JESUS DOES LOVE ME. Wow, I can feel all the tension in my shoulders washing away. Not really, but I'm visualizing it. I think what I feel is really the tension in my shoulders just existing...

I'm so excited for the new peekvid. There goes all my ambition of doing anything productive this break! I LOVE TV

joy

Last weekend I felt alone. I felt like I had no one to talk to about what's going on, no one to explain how I was feeling, no one physical, substantial who could step in and tell me what to do... or be able to comfort me. This week things are great again. They had their ups and downs; I went to a counsellor again and got some advice. She has me going to a counsellor a bit more regularly starting in March. I might have a stress-related acid-reflux/ulcer issue that I spent 2 hours in Emerge last night to address (I had been feeling ill all week & it erupted last night).

But during our DG last night we were discussing what the Joy of the Lord is - because we were looking at James 1:2-4. "Consider it pure joy brothers when you face trials.." or whatever its says. Half of us believed that joy wasn't a choice - it was a state of heart, of rejoicing and of thanksgiving, of gladness that supercedes the circumstance - something I had been feeling thorughout this circumstance for the most part until I started feeling physically tired last week. The other half of the people thought it was a choice - a choice to perservere, to love God, to praise Him despite us not feeling like we want to, or despite the desire to pity ourselves. I was not of that side. I still disagree with that, i think that is something entirely different - I think that is submission and perserverance, something I had to experience last summer in Montreal.

I realized during the study yesterday that I hadn't been doing something fundimental this week. I hadn't "considered it pure joy" because I hadn't even stopped to "consider" anything; how I was doing comparatively or anything. So I stopped to consider. I stopped to reflect on how I was feeling.

And I felt joy.

The crazy thing is, it wasn't a choice - i haven't even been reading my Bible this week, or praying a whole lot. Not that my relationship with God is on the rocks or anything - I just had other things on my mind. But despite my body yelling at me and I kind of feel like I'm turning inside out from my tummy out... God is Good! And all I want to do is praise His Holy name.

That, I believe, is joy.