joy

Last weekend I felt alone. I felt like I had no one to talk to about what's going on, no one to explain how I was feeling, no one physical, substantial who could step in and tell me what to do... or be able to comfort me. This week things are great again. They had their ups and downs; I went to a counsellor again and got some advice. She has me going to a counsellor a bit more regularly starting in March. I might have a stress-related acid-reflux/ulcer issue that I spent 2 hours in Emerge last night to address (I had been feeling ill all week & it erupted last night).

But during our DG last night we were discussing what the Joy of the Lord is - because we were looking at James 1:2-4. "Consider it pure joy brothers when you face trials.." or whatever its says. Half of us believed that joy wasn't a choice - it was a state of heart, of rejoicing and of thanksgiving, of gladness that supercedes the circumstance - something I had been feeling thorughout this circumstance for the most part until I started feeling physically tired last week. The other half of the people thought it was a choice - a choice to perservere, to love God, to praise Him despite us not feeling like we want to, or despite the desire to pity ourselves. I was not of that side. I still disagree with that, i think that is something entirely different - I think that is submission and perserverance, something I had to experience last summer in Montreal.

I realized during the study yesterday that I hadn't been doing something fundimental this week. I hadn't "considered it pure joy" because I hadn't even stopped to "consider" anything; how I was doing comparatively or anything. So I stopped to consider. I stopped to reflect on how I was feeling.

And I felt joy.

The crazy thing is, it wasn't a choice - i haven't even been reading my Bible this week, or praying a whole lot. Not that my relationship with God is on the rocks or anything - I just had other things on my mind. But despite my body yelling at me and I kind of feel like I'm turning inside out from my tummy out... God is Good! And all I want to do is praise His Holy name.

That, I believe, is joy.