reminder

this is a reminder to me to post about Marilyn Manson's book I read a bit of at chapters

V. Tech

I watched a video about Molly, the girl at V. Tech who found the bodies in the Residence. I also read a few blog posts by Cynthia, a Campus Crusade for Christ staff worker at V. Tech. It's so crazy to think that in a few moments everything in a person's life can fall apart, that a whole school can be so shaken in a few moments. Like, I was sitting in the library when those students were shot. Not only that, there were 150 people killed that day in Iraq. There's just so much death in the world... but it's kind of sad that it took this V Tech thing to open my eyes to how desperately people need Jesus. How alone people are, how hopeless they feel. Praise God that He's using the stories of Molly and the other members of Campus Crusade in V Tech to bring the gospel to those hurting.

i like ice cream

(sorry that it's on its side!)


Why am I posting that? Because it's funny. Also because she did it so that Brad would buy her a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. He bought it for her, and she ended up giving me the rest. Also because I got a job at Ben & Jerry's today, am starting tomorrow. Because now, if she comes & visits me, she can get virus-free ice cream gratuit!

wedding bells

So it never occurred to me how much planning weddings took. No wonder people elope! All these wedding plans are exciting but exhausting to think about. Kind of depressing to think about too? I know it's not about me, but man, I don't even have a prospect of a boyfriend!! I really hope that my future husband isn't the first to get married out of his siblings. Marrying a lady's first son is scary... they get totally momzilla and it's a bit frightening.

Also: I feel like it should be the law that when you ask someone to be the maid of honour, you also make sure they know what it is they're agreeing to. So you're not left to try & scrounge together a bridal shower in 2 weeks before people leave to go home/on project after exams. Eek! I dunno if I'll be able to pull this off!

conviction!

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes... Romans 1:16

I'm almost finished this book called Heavenly Man and wow.... it is so intense. I've had a few people tell me I *need* to read it, and so I left my computer in Kingston this weekend so as to get me to be bored enough to read. It worked. Plus, this book is so good & such a quick read! It is so encouraging to hear of the amazing things that God is doing in China despite all of the persecution going on there.

It has really made me think about how lame my faith is. How much I don't pray for things and ask God for things in faith. How much I don't really believe He does miracles today in my lifetime. Today in church I realized that I'm just like Peter. I say I would never deny Christ, yet I do it on a regular basis at school when I'm with my devs friends. It's a denial of omission, when I don't take opportunities to talk about my faith & shy away from the truth I known will lead to a conversation that discusses my own personal faith in Christ. I disciple people in how to transition to the gospel yet shy away from these opportunities that are handed to me on a silver platter begging to be discussed. I need grace so much.

Like I said, the longer I'm in this position of leadership, the more I learn how inadequate I am for it, how much I feel like a hypocrite. How much I need God's grace.

God has been working in my heart and convicting me of this as well as something else. Something that I think I know was a blatant sin in my life. Well, maybe I didn't.... no i definitely knew. It was blatant. It was glaring disobedience, especially after I made a committment to stop doing it last summer so as to not hinder my witness. I'm so rebelious. It just hit me in something Angela said a week or so ago. She's been thinking about getting an iPod nano or shuffle, but really isn't sure about it. Part of her wants to go to my computer and take all my music that I've downloaded but "she doesn't want to walk into NA with blatant sin" in her life like a target on her back. That struck me as interesting. She saw it as a spiritual warfare issue.... downloading music! I guess it sort of was eating at me... and I started to think: why would I walk into ministry with this target on my back? Even if the legality is perhaps iffy.... even if I can justify it all over the place... why would I take the risk that it is sin? That's irresponsible of me as an individual, but even moreso as a leader.

So I've made the decision to delete it all. Everything I haven't purchased or don't own legally. And if you don't think that's all that much of a big deal, I'll tell you - I have 5 Gigs of Dave Matthews Band alone! I love my music and I will really miss my Stars... must save money to buy these CDs!

--- update
I did it. I deleted it all. I went from 7ish Gigs to 1.5. So sad. But I created a wishlist of all my favourite stuff I deleted so if you ever feel like blessing me, this is how (haha shameless promotion!)

Things I Wish I Knew As A Frosh: Part I

I've been thinking about what I would write about since last weekend but haven't really had the opportunity to write about it because I've been finishing up final assignments and getting my butt in gear in finding DG leaders. But today because I thought I would 'take care of my body' and go to sleep when I was tired (9:30 pm!), I woke up at 2:00 am feeling rested. I had a conversation with Angela and now I'm still not tired at nearly 4:00 am. So I will write my thoughts down in hopes that I will bore myself to sleep:

God really is enough.

This year has been pretty awesome for me for many reasons. Living with 4 awesome Christian ladies has been really great. It's so nice to be able to quote scripture to each other about being servants when you're too lazy to do the dishes yourself (haha jokes). Most importantly, I think the reason that this year has been so great is that I'm at a place of true enjoyment of God, feeling as though He really is enough.

The first two years of my University career was full of me having crushes on boys I barely knew. I really do look back and see that as pretty much the only thing I accomplished and was taught during that time because it's the only thing I thought about. I pretty much literally wasted all my non-school-related energies on boy-crushes in first year. Second year I was a DG leader with no DG.... I guess God taught me about forgiveness then too. But pretty much it was all me crushing on C4C boys. I guess one good thing came from it: I learned what it was that I was looking for in a guy, after I listed the 3 guys I really liked (yes, I said three!) and my friend was like "Hmm, did you notice they're all worship leaders?" Anyways, I'm not about to make this a whole discussion about what I look for in a ministry partner (aka husband). So yeah, I did learn what I found attractive in a meaningful way (aside from the obvious guitar weilding scruffy missionary). But if this is any indication of how pathetic I was, I prayed for 3 solid months (with my DG backing me in prayer) that I would actually be able to focus on God during project last summer because I knew that Montreal Project was where it was at for distracting boys. Why so? 1)they clearly like evangelism if they're willing to give their summer to God for that purpose 2)they either know french or have a desire to learn 3)there was bound to be someone who lead worship/knew how to play guitar. Wow... this is really turning into a things-jess-looks-for-in-guys post. Ok back to the point.

I'm usually pretty boy crazy. I think that's pretty evident from this post.

But up until this past summer/this year even, I really didn't believe that God was enough. I thought I did, and maybe I did intellectually; you know the saying about the distance between the head & the heart. I remember hearing Angela's testimony in first year about how she realized at Aquire the Fire in high school that God really was everything she needed and miraculously she got over boys (haha that's funny), and was like "wow, that's nice for her. impossible for me! but good for her!" In second year, I experienced a hint of what that was like, for maybe 2 weeks and then I went back to my old pathetic ways.

I even remember at Winter Conference in 2005 during the women's talk how the speaker talked about how it was a blessing to be single, something I had heard so many times before. I was really trying to comprehend this concept, but I just couldn't; all I ever thought about was boys, and God wasn't here in that tangible physical sense to make me get over boys.

I was wrong. Boy, was I ever wrong. God is SO enough. I don't know if you've heard the quote that goes something along the lines of "if you have a poor prayer life its because you have a poor understanding of God" or something like that. This is similar, I didn't think God was enough not only because I had a poor understanding of God, but I had a poor understanding of men. I'm not going to go on a male-bashing rant, but let's just say that I realized that guys aren't perfect. They aren't this perfect entity that we have fantasized them to be and they never will be. But then again, I'm probably not this hot Godly woman who will bear my husband's children, cook, clean, submit willingly all the time, sustain a personal evangelical ministry AND be really good in bed every night (!) in the way that some might hope their future wife to be. I realized that God is the only person who will never let me down, who will always take me back, who will always forgive me with no grudges, who will always pick up after Himself & loves cleaning ("washed by the blood of the lamb!" - man, Christians are freaky sometimes), etc.

Not only do I wish I had knew that God was enough, I wish I realized that that speaker at WC really was right: singleness is a blessing. Being single this year has enabled me to be involved in ministry in a way that I really wouldn't be able to before. Before this year, I really didn't think I would be able to honestly cope with graduating from University and not being in a serious relationship/engaged. Honestly, I thought I would be really angry at God or something. But now that I'm really excited about discipleship and am so stoked to serve & disciple women next year, I'm actually hoping I wont meet anyone. THAT'S FREAKING RIDICULOUS! That alone is evidence that God still carries out miracles in our lifetime!

I seriously wish I could communicate this truth to the women here at Queen's. I know people tried time and time again to get me to understand but I was just not in a place to comprehend. I'm going to start praying for my ladies' hearts to be open to this truth, to no longer be paralyzed by the low standard that society has set of shacking up with whoever will take them and assuming that's the best the Universe has to offer. God has so much more planned than that: Jesus himself said, "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10).

transitions and such

I'm starting to realize the gravity of my decision to be women's ministry coordinator next year. There are a lot of reasons that it's finally starting to sink in. I think it's partly because I'm starting to get a grip on the fact that the fourth years are leaving - mainly that Angela, my housemate & the female KSL, is leaving. I'm so excited that she's going on STINT! Hearing Angela's reflections on her time doing ministry with C4C over the years, hearing her talk about her favourite memories (things like her disciples being asked to be on Servant Team, and them teaching people to share their faith etc), it has made me wonder what it is that I will be reflecting on this time next year. So, in light of this, I've decided to start an X part mini-series entitled Things I Wish I Knew Coming Into University. Let's nickname it TIWIKCIU. haha no that's awkard. So yeah, look for that in the coming weeks.

I feel like the longer I hold the title Women's Ministry Coordinator, the more nervous about it I get. It just feels so.... scary and holds so much responsibility. Good thing God is so much cooler and better at His job than me.