Things I Wish I Knew As A Frosh: Part I

I've been thinking about what I would write about since last weekend but haven't really had the opportunity to write about it because I've been finishing up final assignments and getting my butt in gear in finding DG leaders. But today because I thought I would 'take care of my body' and go to sleep when I was tired (9:30 pm!), I woke up at 2:00 am feeling rested. I had a conversation with Angela and now I'm still not tired at nearly 4:00 am. So I will write my thoughts down in hopes that I will bore myself to sleep:

God really is enough.

This year has been pretty awesome for me for many reasons. Living with 4 awesome Christian ladies has been really great. It's so nice to be able to quote scripture to each other about being servants when you're too lazy to do the dishes yourself (haha jokes). Most importantly, I think the reason that this year has been so great is that I'm at a place of true enjoyment of God, feeling as though He really is enough.

The first two years of my University career was full of me having crushes on boys I barely knew. I really do look back and see that as pretty much the only thing I accomplished and was taught during that time because it's the only thing I thought about. I pretty much literally wasted all my non-school-related energies on boy-crushes in first year. Second year I was a DG leader with no DG.... I guess God taught me about forgiveness then too. But pretty much it was all me crushing on C4C boys. I guess one good thing came from it: I learned what it was that I was looking for in a guy, after I listed the 3 guys I really liked (yes, I said three!) and my friend was like "Hmm, did you notice they're all worship leaders?" Anyways, I'm not about to make this a whole discussion about what I look for in a ministry partner (aka husband). So yeah, I did learn what I found attractive in a meaningful way (aside from the obvious guitar weilding scruffy missionary). But if this is any indication of how pathetic I was, I prayed for 3 solid months (with my DG backing me in prayer) that I would actually be able to focus on God during project last summer because I knew that Montreal Project was where it was at for distracting boys. Why so? 1)they clearly like evangelism if they're willing to give their summer to God for that purpose 2)they either know french or have a desire to learn 3)there was bound to be someone who lead worship/knew how to play guitar. Wow... this is really turning into a things-jess-looks-for-in-guys post. Ok back to the point.

I'm usually pretty boy crazy. I think that's pretty evident from this post.

But up until this past summer/this year even, I really didn't believe that God was enough. I thought I did, and maybe I did intellectually; you know the saying about the distance between the head & the heart. I remember hearing Angela's testimony in first year about how she realized at Aquire the Fire in high school that God really was everything she needed and miraculously she got over boys (haha that's funny), and was like "wow, that's nice for her. impossible for me! but good for her!" In second year, I experienced a hint of what that was like, for maybe 2 weeks and then I went back to my old pathetic ways.

I even remember at Winter Conference in 2005 during the women's talk how the speaker talked about how it was a blessing to be single, something I had heard so many times before. I was really trying to comprehend this concept, but I just couldn't; all I ever thought about was boys, and God wasn't here in that tangible physical sense to make me get over boys.

I was wrong. Boy, was I ever wrong. God is SO enough. I don't know if you've heard the quote that goes something along the lines of "if you have a poor prayer life its because you have a poor understanding of God" or something like that. This is similar, I didn't think God was enough not only because I had a poor understanding of God, but I had a poor understanding of men. I'm not going to go on a male-bashing rant, but let's just say that I realized that guys aren't perfect. They aren't this perfect entity that we have fantasized them to be and they never will be. But then again, I'm probably not this hot Godly woman who will bear my husband's children, cook, clean, submit willingly all the time, sustain a personal evangelical ministry AND be really good in bed every night (!) in the way that some might hope their future wife to be. I realized that God is the only person who will never let me down, who will always take me back, who will always forgive me with no grudges, who will always pick up after Himself & loves cleaning ("washed by the blood of the lamb!" - man, Christians are freaky sometimes), etc.

Not only do I wish I had knew that God was enough, I wish I realized that that speaker at WC really was right: singleness is a blessing. Being single this year has enabled me to be involved in ministry in a way that I really wouldn't be able to before. Before this year, I really didn't think I would be able to honestly cope with graduating from University and not being in a serious relationship/engaged. Honestly, I thought I would be really angry at God or something. But now that I'm really excited about discipleship and am so stoked to serve & disciple women next year, I'm actually hoping I wont meet anyone. THAT'S FREAKING RIDICULOUS! That alone is evidence that God still carries out miracles in our lifetime!

I seriously wish I could communicate this truth to the women here at Queen's. I know people tried time and time again to get me to understand but I was just not in a place to comprehend. I'm going to start praying for my ladies' hearts to be open to this truth, to no longer be paralyzed by the low standard that society has set of shacking up with whoever will take them and assuming that's the best the Universe has to offer. God has so much more planned than that: Jesus himself said, "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10).