I'm almost finished this book called Heavenly Man and wow.... it is so intense. I've had a few people tell me I *need* to read it, and so I left my computer in Kingston this weekend so as to get me to be bored enough to read. It worked. Plus, this book is so good & such a quick read! It is so encouraging to hear of the amazing things that God is doing in China despite all of the persecution going on there.
It has really made me think about how lame my faith is. How much I don't pray for things and ask God for things in faith. How much I don't really believe He does miracles today in my lifetime. Today in church I realized that I'm just like Peter. I say I would never deny Christ, yet I do it on a regular basis at school when I'm with my devs friends. It's a denial of omission, when I don't take opportunities to talk about my faith & shy away from the truth I known will lead to a conversation that discusses my own personal faith in Christ. I disciple people in how to transition to the gospel yet shy away from these opportunities that are handed to me on a silver platter begging to be discussed. I need grace so much.
Like I said, the longer I'm in this position of leadership, the more I learn how inadequate I am for it, how much I feel like a hypocrite. How much I need God's grace.
God has been working in my heart and convicting me of this as well as something else. Something that I think I know was a blatant sin in my life. Well, maybe I didn't.... no i definitely knew. It was blatant. It was glaring disobedience, especially after I made a committment to stop doing it last summer so as to not hinder my witness. I'm so rebelious. It just hit me in something Angela said a week or so ago. She's been thinking about getting an iPod nano or shuffle, but really isn't sure about it. Part of her wants to go to my computer and take all my music that I've downloaded but "she doesn't want to walk into NA with blatant sin" in her life like a target on her back. That struck me as interesting. She saw it as a spiritual warfare issue.... downloading music! I guess it sort of was eating at me... and I started to think: why would I walk into ministry with this target on my back? Even if the legality is perhaps iffy.... even if I can justify it all over the place... why would I take the risk that it is sin? That's irresponsible of me as an individual, but even moreso as a leader.
So I've made the decision to delete it all. Everything I haven't purchased or don't own legally. And if you don't think that's all that much of a big deal, I'll tell you - I have 5 Gigs of Dave Matthews Band alone! I love my music and I will really miss my Stars... must save money to buy these CDs!
--- update
I did it. I deleted it all. I went from 7ish Gigs to 1.5. So sad. But I created a wishlist of all my favourite stuff I deleted so if you ever feel like blessing me, this is how (haha shameless promotion!)
2 comments:
i'm so proud of you. yay for being legal.
Kudos Jess. Well done. Man, that must have been hard though....
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