'You're like a self-cleaning oven...'

So my mom likened me to a self-cleaning oven yesterday. She was telling me how her and my dad drove home from one of my brother's hockey tournaments together, and how they were talking about their respective work and 'kid stuff', about my brothers Jordan and Nick. I was slightly offended and asked, "You didn't talk about me?" And mom replies with a laugh, "Jess, both your father and I are extremely proud of you. You're like a self-cleaning oven, we just had to press start and you raised yourself, or God raised you. I knew that from the start when your first phrase was "I do it self!"

i'm addicted to video blogging

How can I be addicted to vlogging if you have never seen me post anything of the video sort (other than links to funny things on youtube) here? Well, I've been sending videos to Angela in North Africa - 2 20 minute long ridiculous videos to be exact. They're really dumb. In one, I was so bored I gave her a tour of my dad's house. In yesterday's installment I think I talked about my hair quite a bit. Clearly they were thrilling, inspiring, and challenging looks into my inner world. 

I've decided that I'm going to post a video blog up here, but not right now because my little brother's macbook camera is not working. So instead, I'm going to waste your time talking about doing it haha. 

Expect incredible things, people, incredible. 

exciting news

So I made the decision on Wednesday. I sent the email to C4C HR saying I would joyfully accept my position on staff. I know I was thinking otherwise for a little while, but I realized I was being stubborn in not accepting, but also I was feeling really disobedient when I had been seriously considering doing anything else.

I had been having breakfast with a girl at C4C that I had never met up with before. We were supposed to be talking about her being in a DG, but it turned into so much more. At the end of breakfast I walked away thinking about all the incredible experiences God has brought me through and comforted me during when I felt so alone. Now I have the opportunity to do the same to others, to reach out and build into women and get paid for it. I knew as I walked home that this was what I was made to do - to open up, be honest, to challenge and say hard things, and to watch people grow and turn around and do the same with others. So exciting!

And then this morning I was at my home church for the first time in probably more than 6 months. My pastor announced that I would be joining staff and I was so surprised by such a warm welcome from everyone. They were so proud and interested in what I would be doing. It made me feel a lot more comfortable about Ministry Partnership Development (MPD = fundraising), knowing that I was the only full-time missionary the church has pretty much ever raised up, and someone who they've watched grow up for the last 12 years. I'm kind of looking forward to it (although that post is a little outdated in what I was working towards haha).

Thanks to all those people who endured my mind changes every hour it seemed (specific shout outs to Angela & Lydia).

I neeed to think before I speak

so last week i was madly writing this essay that I had only 24 hours to do. I really wanted to express myself in this certain way - i was trying to say something along the lines of 'distributing information' and i knew there was this one word that explained it. So I typed it out, but because I had been in the habit of looking up words I wasn't positive of the meaning - I looked it up.

I had used the word inseminate instead of disseminate. Wouldn't that have been the most embarrassingly awkward thing if I had handed in an essay talking about the 'insemination of health information in rural Africa'? I didn't actually remember what the real word (disseminate) was until I read it in one of my readings yesterday.

there is hope for me yet

So yesterday morning I finished a 24 hour take home essay exam. The question was pretty intense, depressing, and seemingly hopeless. I had to take breaks and read verses from Revelation 21 such as:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (vs 3-5)

Those verses usually serve as a good reminder that this world as we know it, with its pain and hurt and sorrow will pass away and people wont be fleeing the janjawaneed forever. That's such good news.

On a lighter note, some of my friends and I went skating down by city hall last night and it was really fun. I didn't actually bring my skates but went for the company, and it turned out that I got to have some really fantastic conversation with Drew, one of the guys who lives at the Abbey. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk about history and development and politics with people who weren't in my program and therefore had a different perspective, but one that wasn't so extremely opposite as mine. It was interesting, because I found myself less of a crazy-leftist-hippie and gave some respect to the more economically conservative side of things. I think that was a moment of progress for me. He seems to have more opportunity to think about positive things with his degree. I, on the other hand, find myself so often nearly debilitated by what we study because it's never positive. I think the only positive spin we've had on development is my development theory course - and even then we body-slammed neoclassical economics and Adam Smith. Crazy Marxist profs!

dumb things: the week of nov 25-dec 1

So this weekend I've said and done some pretty stupid and embarrassing things. I'll let you in to my really embarrassing and stupid wold. I think I've decided that this is going to be an ongoing series documenting my stupidity for your entertainment.

Thursday night, as I mentioned in my last post, the ST girls were making cookies for the guys. It was supposed to be a surprise, so when I blurted out in excitement at the ST meeting "Ooh! I have the recipes!" and Mathias asks, "What are you making?" I reply with what I think is a covert answer: "Love. We're making love." And then Amanda chimes in equally oblivious to what has been said, "And I'm bringing the music!" haha so awkward and funny. I really need to learn to think before I speak.

Saturday night we stayed at Lydia's, and I got to experience the excitement that is going to the washroom underneath a skylight, which is SO SKETCH by the way. Sarah totally freaked me out and threw pennies at me through this hole in the wall and I thought someone was dropping money on me from the skylight. I was soooo freaked/sketched out, I thought someone was watching me pee. But no one was there. Whew. I realize it's really really dumb to think that money is dropping from a skylight, but who can think rationally when thinking they're being watched whilst relieving themselves?

Early Saturday morning Julia and I were sleeping on Andy and Loni's air mattress at lydia's place and the thing has a bit of a leak. By early morning she and I were struggling not to do the awkward touch-each-other-while-sleeping thing but its really hard at this point because the air is slowly leaving the mattress and we're sinking towards the middle. Half asleep, I kind of realize that this is not worth the struggle and so I roll over and spoon Julia. In the morning she tells me that at the time I had said to her, "Just embrace it." As I became the big spoon. lol man, I should be locked up.

I was just reminded of another stupid moment that I had while reading for a class. One of my readings was called "Clapp: Africa, NGOs, and the Waste Trade" and I thought to myself, "What the heck does an STD have to do with NGOs and the trade of toxic waste?!" And then I realised that "Clapp" wasn't in reference to an STD, but the surname of the author.

conviction!

This weekend was a really wonderful weekend for me. It started Thursday night. As a DG the servant team girls decided to bake Christmas goodies and send them around to some of the guys houses to show our appreciation for them. I really enjoy baking and so it was lots of fun for me. It was probably one of my favourite memories of the semester. Then Friday night at our weekly meeting with C4C, the worship team had 3 violinists, a fiddle, a cello, guitar, piano and Sarah (my housemate) and I sang with Kathryn. It was so fun! Stringed instruments bring such joy to my heart. Then Saturday, Julia, Sarah and I drove to Montreal in the afternoon and went to a Stars concert. Before we got to hang out with Andy and Loni (staff in MTL) and chat with them for a bit, which was really great. Lydia, the girls and I went to the concert and met some other staff in MTL (Heather and Brad) and then enjoyed the concert together. It was soooooooooo good. Like sooooo amazing. I really enjoyed it. It totally made me love their music that much more (and I was already listening to it every day).

Sunday morning Lydia and I went out to breakfast and it was really helpful. She said something to me that didn't really blow my mind that much when she first said it, but as I was thinking about it later on when I was doing my devo, I was like "Wow, this is so true." I'm kind of surprised I didn't think of it earlier because I know its a verse she quotes a lot:

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
(Jeremiah 17:9)

I was convicted by this because I know that I've been listening to my own desires of where I'd like to go in the future. Just because I'm weary and sick of campus ministry right now doesn't mean that God isn't calling me there. So I was convicted about that. I've become stubborn and really not wanting to join staff because I know it will be hard and I'll have to draw on this lesson of endurance that God has been teaching me this semester. So after this conversation with her I'm more back on track to accepting my acceptance, but I probably wont make the decision officially until after Winter Conference. At this point, I imagine I will accept, but I just want to be in a completely normal frame of reference when I do it. Plus, it's just scary to actually make a commitment right now for my future.