FYI: that pink jumpsuit is 100% silk! SO AMAZING.Saturday, March 29, 2008
this one's for you ang
Queen's C4C has a spring retreat every year. Usually we go to Camp IAWAH. They have this closet of dress up clothes that we got into. Look at the result:
FYI: that pink jumpsuit is 100% silk! SO AMAZING.
FYI: that pink jumpsuit is 100% silk! SO AMAZING.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
... you're mine, ok? (Part II)
Another lesson on Christ's love and discipleship was reinforced to me during my cleaning session yesterday was on ... well, I have to tell another story first.
A very good friend of mine shared this incredible story with me one day, late at night, in McDonalds. She was telling me about her trip to Malawi and this one traumatizing experience she had. She was in a village and this pastor was telling them to go into this hut and pray for this woman. As she stepped into the hut, she sees this woman laying in her own blood that is everywhere, who had just given birth. This lady was dying of AIDS, she was told, and the child likely had AIDS too. I don't remember all of the details, I just know that she was confused, and this man was telling her to pray for this woman. So my friend got down into the blood with the woman, held her hand, and started praying for her.
I have learned so much from this story. This has been my model for discipleship in so many ways. I need to be willing to get down into people's dirty, disgusting, mess with them.
As I was cleaning the shower, I was trying to do so without going inside of it, because the shower floor was wet, and I didn't want to get my feet wet. But I couldn't bend properly to the right angle to clean the inside of the shower door. So I got in.
It's amazing what you see when you get down into things.
I had never seen it from that perspective. I showered in it that morning and it didn't look dirty to me. As I squatted down, I saw that it was not so clean, and it reminded me of my friend's story in Malawi. Had I not stepped in to the shower, had I not been willing to get my feet wet and get in to the mess, I would not have been able to see the reality of how dirty it really was, I would not have been able to experience that reality and see how it needed to be cleaned.
Christ stepped into the world, got down into our mess so that he could minister to us, empathize with us, suffer for us, reconcile us to God, raise above us and empower us. Who would I be if Christ hadn't cared to get into our mess of a world?
And if it wasn't enough that I had to clean the bathroom, as I was emptying the garbage my mind wandered and it spilled everywhere. The bathroom garbage. The wonderful, female bathroom garbage, in all it's time-of-the-month glory.
I guess, in one hour, God taught me about a lot of my problems, a lot about my stress and difficulty this year. It's because of disobedience, turned to neglect, then fear, then more neglect, then anxiety, then more fear, sprinkle more neglect and some procrastination in there until I feel suffocated and powerless.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. En effet, la loi de l'esprit de vie en Jésus Christ m'a affranchi de la loi du péché et de la mort.
So I choose to breathe in and out. I choose to pick up after myself. I choose cleanliness and righteousness instead of squandering my wealth and living with the pigs.
A very good friend of mine shared this incredible story with me one day, late at night, in McDonalds. She was telling me about her trip to Malawi and this one traumatizing experience she had. She was in a village and this pastor was telling them to go into this hut and pray for this woman. As she stepped into the hut, she sees this woman laying in her own blood that is everywhere, who had just given birth. This lady was dying of AIDS, she was told, and the child likely had AIDS too. I don't remember all of the details, I just know that she was confused, and this man was telling her to pray for this woman. So my friend got down into the blood with the woman, held her hand, and started praying for her.
I have learned so much from this story. This has been my model for discipleship in so many ways. I need to be willing to get down into people's dirty, disgusting, mess with them.
As I was cleaning the shower, I was trying to do so without going inside of it, because the shower floor was wet, and I didn't want to get my feet wet. But I couldn't bend properly to the right angle to clean the inside of the shower door. So I got in.
It's amazing what you see when you get down into things.
I had never seen it from that perspective. I showered in it that morning and it didn't look dirty to me. As I squatted down, I saw that it was not so clean, and it reminded me of my friend's story in Malawi. Had I not stepped in to the shower, had I not been willing to get my feet wet and get in to the mess, I would not have been able to see the reality of how dirty it really was, I would not have been able to experience that reality and see how it needed to be cleaned.
Christ stepped into the world, got down into our mess so that he could minister to us, empathize with us, suffer for us, reconcile us to God, raise above us and empower us. Who would I be if Christ hadn't cared to get into our mess of a world?
And if it wasn't enough that I had to clean the bathroom, as I was emptying the garbage my mind wandered and it spilled everywhere. The bathroom garbage. The wonderful, female bathroom garbage, in all it's time-of-the-month glory.
All of us have become like one who is unclean,I was so annoyed with myself. It was everywhere. I realized then, too, that when I'm doing God's work I need to pay attention, I can't let my mind wander or I will make mistakes. Mistakes aren't bad, they just require clean up. Clean up is gross. You saw last post how I feel about clean up. I put it off, forever, until it gets so much bigger than it ever should have been.
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Isaiah 64:6
I guess, in one hour, God taught me about a lot of my problems, a lot about my stress and difficulty this year. It's because of disobedience, turned to neglect, then fear, then more neglect, then anxiety, then more fear, sprinkle more neglect and some procrastination in there until I feel suffocated and powerless.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. En effet, la loi de l'esprit de vie en Jésus Christ m'a affranchi de la loi du péché et de la mort.
So I choose to breathe in and out. I choose to pick up after myself. I choose cleanliness and righteousness instead of squandering my wealth and living with the pigs.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
whatever the mess you are.... (Part I)
I was just chilling out with God, reflecting on something He did to me this evening when He told me to go clean the bathroom. This may seem odd, but to me, it isn't. I have asked God to help me love people over and over and over and over I have declined this urge to clean this bathroom. It's not even that I hate cleaning, it's just that I don't want to DO it. I don't want to stop what I'm doing now, to go do that. I'lldo it later. But I don't.
This time, I knew I needed to do it. And as it turns out, I learned more about God and how he works (and how I don't let him work in me sometimes) during that one hour than in a long time. I learned that cleaning is like a spiritual discipline for me, and that it's like "spiritual breathing". If you clean as you go (with my room, put things away right away instead of tossing them on the floor, or clean the bathroom every few days) then it doesn't end up being this big disgusting, horrific, time-consuming thing that you begin to dread and put off because you don't have the time to do it anyways, and then it becomes this thing that you know needs to be done but wouldn't even know where to start and that, too, makes you feel anxious, and then you don't do it and then you feel guilty. This is inside my world. This is what has been happening to me all year, all the four years of my university career. With my friendships, with my physical spaces, with my school work, in my spiritual life as well.
So many times I had the urge to just do the minimum. As I was cleaning I wanted to 'act in faith' that it was clean - I had just been wiping and scrubbing it with the cleaner. But there was this one stain on the sink. I wanted to just let it be - say it was clean. But these verses were coming to mind as I was cleaning. "Cleanse me with hyssop". So I asked myself, if this were sin in someone else, would you just let them leave it? No, I wouldn't. Did Jesus come to on the horrific, excruciating cross for the easy-to-clean sins but not others? No, his blood cleanses us of ALL unrighteousness. I learned about how I hold on to my sin and my stains and don't even realize it, in my procrastination. I wanted so badly to not scrub to remove that sin. I wanted the cleaning to be OVER. NOW. But Christ, who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I was determined, then, to get the stain out. To convey the message to my housemate that I care enough in my heart to scrub against my will. I needed to try to be like Jesus and get that stain out.
This time, I knew I needed to do it. And as it turns out, I learned more about God and how he works (and how I don't let him work in me sometimes) during that one hour than in a long time. I learned that cleaning is like a spiritual discipline for me, and that it's like "spiritual breathing". If you clean as you go (with my room, put things away right away instead of tossing them on the floor, or clean the bathroom every few days) then it doesn't end up being this big disgusting, horrific, time-consuming thing that you begin to dread and put off because you don't have the time to do it anyways, and then it becomes this thing that you know needs to be done but wouldn't even know where to start and that, too, makes you feel anxious, and then you don't do it and then you feel guilty. This is inside my world. This is what has been happening to me all year, all the four years of my university career. With my friendships, with my physical spaces, with my school work, in my spiritual life as well.
So many times I had the urge to just do the minimum. As I was cleaning I wanted to 'act in faith' that it was clean - I had just been wiping and scrubbing it with the cleaner. But there was this one stain on the sink. I wanted to just let it be - say it was clean. But these verses were coming to mind as I was cleaning. "Cleanse me with hyssop". So I asked myself, if this were sin in someone else, would you just let them leave it? No, I wouldn't. Did Jesus come to on the horrific, excruciating cross for the easy-to-clean sins but not others? No, his blood cleanses us of ALL unrighteousness. I learned about how I hold on to my sin and my stains and don't even realize it, in my procrastination. I wanted so badly to not scrub to remove that sin. I wanted the cleaning to be OVER. NOW. But Christ, who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I was determined, then, to get the stain out. To convey the message to my housemate that I care enough in my heart to scrub against my will. I needed to try to be like Jesus and get that stain out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
funny quote from my prof just now
"University of Nanterre was hideous. Now I haven't seen it, but I've
been told it looks a lot like York"
been told it looks a lot like York"
Chronicles of the semi-all-nighter essay writing extravaganza
5:09 am
So I have this paper for my Globalization & Cities in the South (Global South = the non obsolete term for 'Third World" or a more PC form of 'developing countries') due at 4:00 pm today. You might note the ridiculous hour this was published at. It's currently 5:19 am. I spent all Friday and Saturday in the library doing research for this paper, all sunday at church/cleaning my house/entertaining guests of fellow student-friends staying in Kingston for easter. It was very good times. I went to bed at 10:30 (didn't fall asleep until about 12 thanks to a coke i had around 8-9) and woke up at 3 to start writing this paper. START. It's 15 pages. did I mention it's due at 4. So, in order to facilitate a mind-break every so often I am going to chronicle the adventure that is this paper writing expereiennce. Yes. that's how i spelled experience. I tried to change it like 4 times but i decided to leave it as raw evidence that my essay will be horrifie. i mean horrific.
So, since 3am I have written: 2 pages (which isn't too bad, but i'll def have to step it up to at least 1.5 pages an hour), had 1 hot-cross bun, one cup of hot chocolate, one slice of left-over SO YUMMY ham (shout out to NA people who are tragically ham-less this Easter... hmm, perhaps what is more tragic than not having ham is being a few of a handful of Christians in the country. sigh.), 1 slice of rye bread. 1 advil, which by the way, wasn't quite enough.
6:13 am
Can I just say that Honey Ginseng Green tea is really weird tasting with 2 spoons of sugar. like .... SUGAR CITY. woot page 5! go jess! 10 more to go and I have about 8 hours.
7:50 am
So far this has been the best essay writing experience I've had under the circumstances (read: of this year). Somehow, I managed to pick the perfect (creepy - i just wrote 'perfect' as my music said 'perfect') volume of music, and the perfect (ugh it happened again!) music. A friend lent me his New Pornographers CDs specifically to listen to for essay writing. So far this one is one of my favourites. Also, I'm currently drinking green tea. Like the colour green. (the last tea was so abysmal, especially as it cooled, that I abandoned it quickly). We have a huge bottle of mint Torani so I decided to try some with English Breakfast Tea. It's weird. Makes my tongue feel all minty tho. That's fun. OK essay writing,..... also, that HAM IS SO GOOD. (on page 9/15)
10:00 am
12/15 pages and I still haven't written my intro or conclusion. This rocks! I might even get to nap and shower. I almost said nap & sleep ha. Ok, so that tea was ROTTON. I abandoned that one too. I'm such a waster! But it was seriously heinous. I've switched the music to MIA now. Hussel, jess!
12:00
DONE. 8 hours 15 pages. I'm kind of a big deal. My house smells like rich mahogany. I own many leather bound books. no seriously, Jesus made this paper happen.... and Mandy who did some of my research for me and gave me the idea on Friday at 4:00 pm haha. so nuts.
So I have this paper for my Globalization & Cities in the South (Global South = the non obsolete term for 'Third World" or a more PC form of 'developing countries') due at 4:00 pm today. You might note the ridiculous hour this was published at. It's currently 5:19 am. I spent all Friday and Saturday in the library doing research for this paper, all sunday at church/cleaning my house/entertaining guests of fellow student-friends staying in Kingston for easter. It was very good times. I went to bed at 10:30 (didn't fall asleep until about 12 thanks to a coke i had around 8-9) and woke up at 3 to start writing this paper. START. It's 15 pages. did I mention it's due at 4. So, in order to facilitate a mind-break every so often I am going to chronicle the adventure that is this paper writing expereiennce. Yes. that's how i spelled experience. I tried to change it like 4 times but i decided to leave it as raw evidence that my essay will be horrifie. i mean horrific.
So, since 3am I have written: 2 pages (which isn't too bad, but i'll def have to step it up to at least 1.5 pages an hour), had 1 hot-cross bun, one cup of hot chocolate, one slice of left-over SO YUMMY ham (shout out to NA people who are tragically ham-less this Easter... hmm, perhaps what is more tragic than not having ham is being a few of a handful of Christians in the country. sigh.), 1 slice of rye bread. 1 advil, which by the way, wasn't quite enough.
6:13 am
Can I just say that Honey Ginseng Green tea is really weird tasting with 2 spoons of sugar. like .... SUGAR CITY. woot page 5! go jess! 10 more to go and I have about 8 hours.
7:50 am
So far this has been the best essay writing experience I've had under the circumstances (read: of this year). Somehow, I managed to pick the perfect (creepy - i just wrote 'perfect' as my music said 'perfect') volume of music, and the perfect (ugh it happened again!) music. A friend lent me his New Pornographers CDs specifically to listen to for essay writing. So far this one is one of my favourites. Also, I'm currently drinking green tea. Like the colour green. (the last tea was so abysmal, especially as it cooled, that I abandoned it quickly). We have a huge bottle of mint Torani so I decided to try some with English Breakfast Tea. It's weird. Makes my tongue feel all minty tho. That's fun. OK essay writing,..... also, that HAM IS SO GOOD. (on page 9/15)
10:00 am
12/15 pages and I still haven't written my intro or conclusion. This rocks! I might even get to nap and shower. I almost said nap & sleep ha. Ok, so that tea was ROTTON. I abandoned that one too. I'm such a waster! But it was seriously heinous. I've switched the music to MIA now. Hussel, jess!
12:00
DONE. 8 hours 15 pages. I'm kind of a big deal. My house smells like rich mahogany. I own many leather bound books. no seriously, Jesus made this paper happen.... and Mandy who did some of my research for me and gave me the idea on Friday at 4:00 pm haha. so nuts.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I have the best friends ever
So today was a decent day. Usually thursdays are dreadful - well the first half. Get up, meet M for one-on-one at 10:3o (which is fun!), run to my 11:30 Liberal Islam class and arrive at 11:35 and struggle to stay awake and resist the urge to go on gchat during class until 2:30. Then go to my Philosophy of Peace class from 2:30-4 in this hot, dimly lit room (Ellis Hall, angie) with my prof who speaks with a completely monotone voice1.Today was decent. I got to give my good friend Brittany a gift she was sooooo excited for (yay). AND I got 2 packages in the mail! Sooooo exciting. To the left are the 2 really wonderful gifts I got from mes amies de l'afrique du nord. Angiepoo bought me a scarf (sooo cute and sooo just what i love) and they made me this pink sweater with lyrics from Flight of the Conchords written all over. So funny. So great! And then also in the mail I got this really cute pink notebook from Lazarski. (Thanks mands!). I forgot to hold it up in the picture haha. AND THEN, if that wasn't exciting enough, my shirts from threadless.com sale came. Although I haven't picked them up yet, they're at the post office!
This is the one I decided on (since it's so funny:
"Communist Party"Haha so funny. Oh commies... I'm glad I'm no longer a semi-marxist. It makes being a Christian so much easier!
1All my phil profs have been balding and speak with a monotone voice. Is this the rule for Philosophy profs, I wonder. Granted I've only had 2 Philosophy classes, but it's an undeniable trend!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
password protect this
it felt really weird to put my blog under lock and key.... wrong even. I'm usually a very open person, but obviously I feel the need to be less open and out there. As I sit here typing this I guess I realize that my desire to take away anyone's ability to read this is rooted in my embarrassment of my questionable character and my lack perfection. That's lame.
How long do you give me before I open it back up? an hour? a day? a week? vote in the comments and i'll send a prize to whoever wins... that is, if i haven't already done it!
How long do you give me before I open it back up? an hour? a day? a week? vote in the comments and i'll send a prize to whoever wins... that is, if i haven't already done it!
Monday, March 17, 2008
apathy?
the 3 weeks of classes I have left seem like infinity. I have 2 big important essays due next week and 2 tests the week after. In the mean time it's integral that I keep up on my readings and I only have time to keep on top of the readings. This is the life of an arts student. It's so frustrating because I just get so tired and lose all motivation. I have readings to do for my 8:30-11:30 seminar tomorrow, where I'm marked on my participation (I've said one thing all year) and I'm so tired. I can convince myself of anything when I'm tired like this - for example, skipping my class tomorrow seems very, very inviting. I did that last week tho! I'm pretty frustrated with myself. I'm really bad at self-motivating right now. I know I'm going to get through it somehow - at least this weekend is Easter and I'm not going home... so I'll have plenty of time to work on my papers (and celebrate!).
It's just buckling down and doing things, rather than thinking about doing them that is always always always my struggle. Hmm... did anyone else (female) notice something about the 'always' in italics? That's also my problem this week haha. tmi, i know.
In other news, I think I've decided to make my blog less public. There's a feature to make this invite-only, and so I will invite the ppl I know read this. If you don't get an invite, don't take it personally I just probably don't realize you read it. This is mostly because a)that was the whole reason I came back to blogging in the first place as is stated here (warning, really weird picture of me - may cause blindness) and b) I had a dream last night that someone contacted me and told me that their kids were reading my blog and getting mixed signals about something... i don't really remember but he implied he was upset and I was being a bad example! awkward. Anyways, I don't doubt it!
It's just buckling down and doing things, rather than thinking about doing them that is always always always my struggle. Hmm... did anyone else (female) notice something about the 'always' in italics? That's also my problem this week haha. tmi, i know.
In other news, I think I've decided to make my blog less public. There's a feature to make this invite-only, and so I will invite the ppl I know read this. If you don't get an invite, don't take it personally I just probably don't realize you read it. This is mostly because a)that was the whole reason I came back to blogging in the first place as is stated here (warning, really weird picture of me - may cause blindness) and b) I had a dream last night that someone contacted me and told me that their kids were reading my blog and getting mixed signals about something... i don't really remember but he implied he was upset and I was being a bad example! awkward. Anyways, I don't doubt it!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
jessica needs...
It looks like Hansen has started a meme of sorts. Alison and Glo have followed suit and I shall too because it's kind of interesting. Go to Google and type in "[your name] needs" and record the top 10:
- Jessica needs coffee
- Jessica needs your help
- Jessica needs her "Eric" time (i don't even know any Erics... ok maybe one... weird.
- my favourite: Jessica needs to stop dressing like a slut
- Jessica needs....
- Jessica needs a bigger Al-bra.... what the...
- Jessica needs L$ Anderson
- Jessica needs a real man (holla)
- Jessica needs backup & to tone it down (ouch)
- Jessica needs help! :)
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
orthodoxy
so I was sitting in my seminar class (Globalization and Cities in the South) thinking about my prof's use of the word 'orthodoxy'. He used it in reference to the "World Bank doctrine" which is essentially the promulgation of the ideology free-market capitalism through the "third world development" perspective, making markets more easily accessed by western corporations while seeking to improve the living conditions of the people in the area. I will not comment on my opinion of this.
He then went on to describe the form of "development" which my program promotes: a rejection of this "orthodoxy" for more "organic" "grass-roots" development and then used a bunch more words that seemed more 'touchy feely' or even what I would call 'wishy washy'... it just doesn't seem to mean a whole lot when you think about it and try and put it on paper.
But "wishy washy" is the term I've used to explain some of my friends' more emergent perspectives. When they talk about things it seems to be evasive and not really a solid answer.... it dances around issues. It began to freak me out this connection I was making.... post-modernism and post-colonialism is producing people like my devs classmates who are proponents of relative truth and these more post-colonial(ish) perspectives on development. Post-modernism and the post-church movement have been producing people like a few of my friends, some of whom don't believe that the new testament is God-breathed or pretty much reject the way the Church is functioning right now (which isn't exactly stellar, i'll admit, but I would caution against throwing the baby out with the bath water) and they are trying something different.
orthodoxy and post-modernism. the "unholy trinity" of the world bank/imf/world trade organization and grassroots development. campus for christ and _. reformed theology and brian mclaren. these tensions have characterized my time at Queen's. It's kind of shocking and disturbing that I would compare C4C with the WB seeing as I have been indoctrinated to loath the WB. But there definitely are similarities:
He then went on to describe the form of "development" which my program promotes: a rejection of this "orthodoxy" for more "organic" "grass-roots" development and then used a bunch more words that seemed more 'touchy feely' or even what I would call 'wishy washy'... it just doesn't seem to mean a whole lot when you think about it and try and put it on paper.
But "wishy washy" is the term I've used to explain some of my friends' more emergent perspectives. When they talk about things it seems to be evasive and not really a solid answer.... it dances around issues. It began to freak me out this connection I was making.... post-modernism and post-colonialism is producing people like my devs classmates who are proponents of relative truth and these more post-colonial(ish) perspectives on development. Post-modernism and the post-church movement have been producing people like a few of my friends, some of whom don't believe that the new testament is God-breathed or pretty much reject the way the Church is functioning right now (which isn't exactly stellar, i'll admit, but I would caution against throwing the baby out with the bath water) and they are trying something different.
orthodoxy and post-modernism. the "unholy trinity" of the world bank/imf/world trade organization and grassroots development. campus for christ and _. reformed theology and brian mclaren. these tensions have characterized my time at Queen's. It's kind of shocking and disturbing that I would compare C4C with the WB seeing as I have been indoctrinated to loath the WB. But there definitely are similarities:
- they are not afraid of being clear about what they are and what they aren't.
- they follow steps and trajectories that are clear and distinct
- they believe that if it works one place it will/can work everywhere
- they use the "excuse" that since they've been around since the 50s that gives them some weight or validity
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
hopefully the last emo-ish post this month!
this semester i've been thinking too much. I spend time in my head as if i were an introvert. I am not. I need to stop this thinking madness and talk it out. Spending time in my head doesn't solve ANYTHING for me. If i spend 3 hours thinking about something I can probably work it out in 20 minutes by talking it out with someone. introverts. extraverts.
that's part of the reason I blog. It helps me process. But I can't always blog things because I have confidentiality agreements etc.
anyways, it looks like I'm going to need to throw myself into my "education" in order to ignore the things that are plaguing my thoughts. people. opinions. people's opinions of me. people's opinions of what I should do after school. people's opinions influencing me. my reaction to people. my repentance of this reaction.
why do i always kick and scream and do the opposite of what people think sort of in spite?
that's part of the reason I blog. It helps me process. But I can't always blog things because I have confidentiality agreements etc.
anyways, it looks like I'm going to need to throw myself into my "education" in order to ignore the things that are plaguing my thoughts. people. opinions. people's opinions of me. people's opinions of what I should do after school. people's opinions influencing me. my reaction to people. my repentance of this reaction.
why do i always kick and scream and do the opposite of what people think sort of in spite?
Saturday, March 01, 2008
PlayPumps
This is really cool. I found this when I clicked a link on someone's iPartee.com profile and got to this blog. I should be studying, but I'm taking a break. That's what I tell myself anyways. Anyways, how it works is there ia well pump attached to a merry-go-round so that kids have to play on it to get water. Girls will particularly benefit because they are often the ones responsible to fetch it. PlayPumps.
friday
Yesterday was such a good day. No class, got to have breakfast with Elisabeth, wrote my talk for the retreat, finally got information about Ministry Essentials Training (MET, my job training in May), had lots of fun leading worship at the weekly meeting, was surprised by a visit by Hemal & Silas (from Carleton) and Imanzi (from Concordia), really enjoyed our random late night trip to McDonalds and making Ally laugh till she fell over when before she couldn't stop crying (p.s. don't go message her and be like "aww what's wrong!?" She'll probably dropkick you or something.
Things are so much better now since my decision to step down from my servant team position. I feel normal again!
Things are so much better now since my decision to step down from my servant team position. I feel normal again!
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