grampy

If a stranger walked into my granny & grampy's condo and looked at every painting, every wall-hanging, every book on each shelf and every photo in each frame, 4 things would be very clear about my grandfather:

He loved the ocean and he loved to be on boats in the ocean. Growing up on the west coast and in his late teens becoming a sailor, he has always had a passion for the sea. Even his testimony is related to sailing. During his younger years, after being raised in a religious home, he found himself loving the bottle far too much and searching for meaning in his life. His mother, noticing his sudden desire for something more, handed him a Bible and told him to read John. The rest is history. Grampy specifically liked tugboats, although his 20 pictures & paintings on the walls include more kinds of boats than simply tugboats. Tugboats/sailing for grampy is what pink is for me. His email address is related to boats, his password too! He has a subscription to Mariner magazine and spent many a year at sea in some way. I was telling granny that it's neat that Grampy was so passionate about something that it is so clearly connected to him -- anyone who knows him will be reminded of him whenever they see a tugboat or something.

The second thing they would notice is that he has lots of family/children/grandkids and he loved them all dearly. The only thing that outdoes the number of boat-related pictures is the number of grandchild-paraphanalia everywhere. There are pictures of us from babies to current photos, there are hockey pictures and football pictures, school pictures and grad photos. It was always very clear that Grampy loved us dearly, each and every one. I don't think anyone ever felt that he loved any one of us more or less, even though he's not my mom & aunt's biological father. Grampy loved much because he had been forgiven much.

The third thing people would be able to tell is that granny & him had a really full life together. They traveled all over the world from Hawaii to the Medeterrainian and Alaska - they've made many wonderful memories together. Sadly, they had to cancel a cruise when grampy got sick but they cannot say they didn't get to live life to the full before his sickness.

Last but not least in any way is the evidence of Grampy's deep relationship with God. Everywhere I turned (and I'm not exaggerating) is a Bible. There is a Bible in every room of this place, and in the guest room there are 10 bibles on the shelf. Not that spirituality is measured by how many Bibles one owns, but it was just such a testament to his life. At his memorial service 350 people attended and so many people shared stories of how Grampy was the reason they were a Christian. Granny said that she had no idea how many Bibles he had purchased over the years--at any spark of interest in the Lord grampy was in the store buying a Bible for them. Most people had no clue that he had affected so many people because he was such a quiet, private person. I'm looking forward to reading the tribute book my granny is putting together. She found that so many lives were changed by him that she wanted as many stories about him as possible so that everyone could read about it. I'm so thrilled that she wants me to take as many books off his bookshelf as I want. I've been through it and I've taken 20 so far. Jerry Bridges, John MacArthur, Watchman Nee & tons more.

Surrounded by these pictures of him with us grandkids is so like him. He was so lively, so animated. He was always joking around, pulling pranks on people. It's such a shock to think that he wont be walking back in that door with granny on the way back from the grocery store. It's easy to forget that he wont be telling me his latest joke. I really have no clue what heaven is like -- I know that there are no tears there. If we continue our personalities on with our spirit to heaven, then I'm sure grampy is cracking jokes with the saints.

till death do us part

Mourning is an interesting thing. It's difficult to know if you're doing it right because it's something so unique to everyone. This is a lesson my granny is learning. "What's the hardest part about grampy being gone?" I asked her. "Everything being so unexpected. I never know when a fit of tears will come; if I'll be in the grocery store or if I'll see his signature somewhere and the tears will come. I hate that."

That song-lyric turned cliché phrase is true, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's so easy to take for granted the little things. After having a companion for 36 years and then losing them even the little things in life are strange and absurd even. Granny and I were in the grocery store yesterday and she was getting some bacon for breakfast this morning. She stood there over the bacon and said, "Now I have to find bacon that's lean. That was always Bob's job."

How do you start living alone when you've leaned on someone for so long? when your hearts have been knitted together so tightly, when your thoughts and movements run parallel for what you thought would be for much longer. It's hard for her to see these old couples with their walkers taking evening strolls together, and now here she is a 74 year old widow.

James 1:26-27 carries new meaning for me now: Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

unplanned trip to my destiny, or something

Chapters.

When I walk into that store something happens to me. When I peruse through the stationery section with all the beautiful, inspiring journals I get excited. When I consider the wealth of knowledge in that store it makes me yearn to know everything. Walking through the aisles taking in all the book titles, different waves of emotion come over me.

Christianity section. Ooh! C.S Lewis. Hmm, Philip Yancey -- dad already has that book. What is that?? Is that Joel Osteen looking back at me? In the Christianity section? Shouldn't that be the HERESY section? UGH. Angerrrrrr. Ok, Jessica, calm down. Move right along. Ignore the God Wears Lipstick book too.

I knew I had over an hour to kill as I waited for my brothers to finish up at Lebaron, so I looked for the Webdesign section. Travel, yes I'd like to. Foreign Language, can I become bilingual by reading a book? Before I reached the Webdesign section, Writing, Copywriting caught my attention. As I looked at the books on proper grammar, I recalled my spur-of-the-moment purchase of Eats, Shoots & Leaves in first year. I should finish that. The books on the art of self-editing, how to develop your character, how to get published, how to find a space of your own -- they sparked something in me. My deep, hidden desire to be a writer. Like a nerdy-person's version of being a rockstar. Being a writer is like being a rockstar, really. Instead of writing catchy music that cause people to raise their hands in worship at your concert, readers follow the rhythm of your dialogue and are mesmerized by your ability to weave words together with style, craft and fortitude. I want to be both. Is that even allowed?

Flipping through Telling True Stories, I had this image of me sitting at a café with my MacBookPro writing because I wanted to and because I could. And the best part is: I like my dreams and I don't care if people laugh at me for being an aspiring writer/rockstar/missionary/web designer. My life is going to be FUN.

5 things I will remember about this summer

01. Canada Dry Green Tea Gingerale. It's really nice & light, not too sweet & not bitter. I'm surprised I like it because I'm not a huge green tea fan and I like really sweet things, but I've switched from drinking Pepsi to drinking this. So yummy.

02. Marc Dupré. I found him in second year by searching "é" on the student file-sharing network. It was one of my favourite "stealing" experiences. Since then I deleted his first (very good album) because I didn't purchase it but bought his newest album on iTunes. [Sidenote: I hope when I'm in Montreal I find someone just as goodlooking as him with a tatoo from a past he has forsaken, a good working knowledge of Perl and all those other computer-geek languages as well as a God-given desire to be my husband. We'll have to see.]

03. John & Kate + 8. Also known colloquially as J&K+8. How can you not like 6 little 3 year olds that hug and pull each other's hair? Mostly I love them from afar, I would probably be the worst mother of 8 children in the history of mothers. Except for I think I could do a better job than Hitler's mom. I think I can manage to not raise racist children. Anyways, they're cute & you should check out TLC practically any time to find why these kids are so great. Also, they're a christian family which is obviously neat.

04.  The mountains of BC. I hadn't seen them in 10 years and  I really didn't remember what they looked like. I know what a mountain looks like, but it's different than seeing them in the distance a lot. I like that I'm guaranteed to see them next week and next summer as well. Sweeeet. 

05. the Telephone/MPD. Do you remember reading  Seventeen magazine or CosmoGIRL! or YM or whatever when you were younger? Do you remember the Hot/Not sections that explained what was cool that season & what wasn't? Well, I'll be looking back on this summer and remembering how all of a sudden I was pushed so suddenly back into the world of telephoning people I don't know (instead of fbing/emailing them). It's a strange thing the phone. So foreign to me. Now, if I had an iPhone I may be much more inclined to call people. Maybe that's what I should do - buy an iPhone in celebration of reaching 50% by mid august (please, Lord!). Anyways, I have a new aversion to the phone because it is what I have to use to call strangers. 

full assurance of hope until the end

"And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." Hebrews 6:11-12.

This is officially my MPD verse.

the end of the.... telephone receiver?

I know I've been talking a lot about this, but it's because it's all that's happening. Me battling my laziness & procrastination. I admit: I'm a fool. I'm illogical and ridiculous and I waste time. This week I had a few pretty good appointments with some solid referrals. One potentially could lead to some MPs which is neat. 

Today after a conversation with my dad and through reading a few chapters of some book about breaking bad habits, I realized that I'm making this all much worse and longer than it needs to be. And then my dad and I watched The End of the Spear. Talk about reinforcing the point that my MPD is really not that big of a deal. You know, since it doesn't involve martyrdom. I hope it's smooth sailing from here. I pray. 

i'm posting this so the internet will keep me accountable... or you will

MPD has been a bit of a struggle for me the last few weeks. It hasn't been that I haven't had contacts to contact. It hasn't been that I have had tons of 'no's and been discouraged. It boils down to the fact that I had went away & didn't set any appointments up for the next week and proceeded to do very little that week. 

So now I've lost momentum (which we were warned not to lose).

BUT, things have been picking up this week! I've had two appointments & some really great referrals. I have 2 more appointments (& possibly 4 if things work out in the next few days). I've re-gained motivation because these appointments have shown me that people are actually interested in what I'm doing & want to support me (imagine that!). I really do want to be done by September/October for different reasons. Now I see that it's quite possible if I get enough appointments done in a week. Before my thinking was more like "i can work really hard and it still might not work out, so why work really hard?" How pessimistic of me! 

So now really the task of mastering my own procrastination. Please wish me luck because it is not an easy thing to master. EVERYTHING IN ME IS TELLING ME TO MASTER IT LATER haha. seriously. But I guess I've decided that I actually wouldn't mind MPD being (most of) my life if it actually gets me on campus by the fall. 

why I am the way I am

2 reasons why I enjoy my dad:

1. He says things like: "Forget the fireworks; feed the poor!"
2. When pushing the grocery cart back to the car he'll run with the cart & then hop on to the back and ride it to the car, as if he is 5. He's 50 at the end of July. 

ch-ch-ch-changes

So far in MPD I've really been forced to revisit almost every area of who I used to be before God really started changing me. It has been a gentle thing which I'm very grateful for because a lot of these things I would rather forget. Like the one MPD appointment where my supporter told me I had really hurt her son growing up (I was a mean kid, maybe even a bit of a bully?). That appointment made me really have to consider who I was back then and who I had become. I had to ask the question 'why did I turn out semi-decently when I could have been many many other things'? 

I've had to sort of revisit another aspect of my past which I wont go into detail here. It also relates to MPD because I need to ask myself – do I really want to approach these people and give them the opportunity to share in what I'm doing. I formerly would really loved to never hear their names or speak to them ever again. Not because I have any un-dealt with feelings but because it would just be so awkward because of what took place between their family and mine. 

What got me thinking about this was because my one really super enthusiastic champion supporter wanted to introduce me to some of his business partners. I ended up going to a Landowners Union political rally. Say what?

Some of you may know that I live in the country & spent the majority of my life in a rinkidink town full of people who drive their skidoos to school in the winter and listen to country music very loudly and take much pride in their country-ness. I spent the first 6 years of my life in Saskatoon and had always thought of myself as a city girl. When I moved to the town I live in now, that translated as HUGE pride and I was a snob about it. I pretty much carried that with me to a lesser extent until I got to university. Even still I can see traces of it in me, but there are things that I really value about my time in the area and really wouldn't trade it for anything. I still don't really like country music but there definitely is something attractive about a man who feels comfortable tacking horses, even if I know very little about it. 

So here I find myself being asked to write articles for a local magazine called "Landowner" and attending a political rally raising awareness that the Government is doing all this crappy stuff to local rural people. Standing there listening to the people talking I had profound respect for them. They were not the uneducated farmers who chose to farm because they couldn't work the stock market & now are asking ridiculous things of the government. They were citizens who did their research – quoted the UN HABITAT document (we studied that a bit in a class I took) and were civil society collaborating and engaging the government to protect their rights and to keep it in check. I've written many arguments about how this is a key factor in a healthy democracy. 

I did feel very out of place even just in what I was wearing but I felt quite at home with these white-40+-farmers because they sounded a lot like some of my left-wing classmates. It was a very interesting and enlightening experience for me. And I got to meet some potential supporters, too. 

I feel so out of my element. I feel like God is totally forcing me to deal with this not-so-secret semi-resentment for the place I grew up. I think part of the reason I felt this way about the place I live is that I just never really felt like I fit in. I definitely contributed to this because I distanced myself from the local culture (but I have grown an appreciation for AC/DC, which is very much an Ottawa Valley thing). 

I'm glad this is happening; I don't exactly want to be a proud snob! 

hands held high

When I was driving to Southern Ontario I listened to the new Linkin Park CD. Yes, I often like their songs. This one song that I'm going to share with you made me cry! Maybe cause I was hormonal (I don't really think I was though), but anyways. 

I'd also like to remind people of the disclaimer on the sidebar before they look at this video, and note that the language used in this video isn't exactly clean. This song speaks to me especially because of the hippie-protester in me. Anyways, what really hit me in this song is the direct link to the horrible state of the world & Christianity. That just really upset me. People look to America and see a war waged in the name of God and think that all Christians love super right-wing economic policy & questionable business practices. Awesome. 

Hands Held High by Linkin Park