quarter-life crisis

So I have this bad habit of blogging when I feel kind of crappy and then not updating it when I feel much better a few days later lol. Or in the case of my last post.... hours later?

Last week I kind of had a bit of an identity crisis. Actually, it's kind of ongoing, but it came to my attention last week. I was feeling like I didn't really know what defined me from any other Christian woman my age. I know there are things that make me different from my friends, but for some reason I guess my identity isn't rooted in those things.

I spoke with my counselor about it and she pointed out that if our identity is rooted in our ministry, clothes, family life, friends, money, or other things like this women especially tend towards depression because it's like building your house on sand. It wont hold up in the long run. I've realized that a lot of my identity is based on my personal ministry & who I am to other people. My big question is: if I decided to not finish my MPD (which I wont, I'm just saying hypothetically) what would I do???

I have no idea.

Formerly, I would have been allllllll over something international development related. But at this point in my life, I can't deal with that. Which, I think also lends itself to why I'm kind of identity confused. I used to be the person who would talk about injustice and corporate greed and all this kind of stuff; I was passionate about it. I'm not that person anymore. Well, in some ways I am but in other ways not really. I'm really struggling with knowing how I'm distinct from other friends who also love Canadian indie music and nerdy internet/computer things and art etc. A lot of what I like has to do with other people. I like to bake because I like when people really love my baking and praise me for it. Lame! Where did the self-assured, confident, strong, in-touch-with-who-I-am Jess go from High School? I'm like a giant blob of insecurity now.

Thankfully my counselor gave me a couple exercises to work through to help solidify in my mind "who I am". I realized that it's kind of a process of me understanding how i'm being inwardly renewed day by day. I know that there are parts of Jess from since I was born that are good and will stay a part of me and there are parts that I picked up in my university days that are also good, some that are not so good and need to be discarded. Some things need to be polished and others need to be gutted. This is what's happening to me right now and it can be kind of confusing inside haha. I feel like I'm 15 all over again! Thankfully, though, I'm a little less boy crazy this time around.

But in all, I realize this "identity crisis" that's going on is really important. It feels good to see the fruit of this time being sick. Before I didn't know why this was happening but now I see what it was that needed to change in my life and how I needed to be built up before I get on campus. I was talking to a friend about this and she kind of got all excited because she saw that God was rooting out of me my identity associations with ministry so that I can do it in a healthy manner when I actually get to campus. It's true.

I'm glad.

(side note: I titled this post after I wrote it & found out that my pet name "quarter-life crisis" is a reality for many people my age. Well, according to Wikipedia)