Wednesday, August 06, 2008

get lost

I'm really not enjoying being here at home. I think I've communicated that before. I've been home from Staff Conference only two days and already I'm hating it. I was trying to figure out what it is about this place that I can't stand. I realized that the lack of motivation that I've been feeling this summer is not restricted to MPD -- I felt it while I was in school, too. But when I was in Kingston I could easily change scenery or atmosphere and that was all I needed. I'd go to the Library or M-C or the Goat or whatever. Here I don't really feel like I can do that. When I walk down the street people gawk at me because I don't look like I fit in, there is no coffee shop that has wireless where I can do work.

A few months ago while I was still in Kingston I asked my friend where she wanted to move. She said Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver -- somewhere that has a population of over a million. When I asked why she replied, "I  really like the feeling of disappearing in a sea of people." 

When she said that I kind of thought she had some sort of complex, some sort of social disfunction or self-image problem that she didn't value herself and wanted to disappear. But now i understand what she meant. I realize that I miss the anonymity of Kingston, even if Kingston isn't by any means comparable in size to Montreal. 

And so, because I feel like when I walk down the street people are staring, because I feel like there is no where to go, because I listen to these ridiculous doubts or discomforts in my head I've pretty much become a shut-in, a recluse. 

I just want to be lost in a sea of people, in the healthiest way possible!

2 comments:

Emily Morrice said...

being back from Staff Conference has for sure been a momentum killer, as we were anticipating, eh?
You were right about that...
Not to mention it's August and many contacts ahve likely already been used up...
Ah, yet this is where we're supposed to be...
Alas, now we actually have to depend on God instead of our craftiness and charm, not to mention dashing good looks ;)
This is the BEST {read: hardest, but gives God most Glory} part

love you Jess,
and soon we'll be disappearing together into Motnreals vast landscape of francophones :)

perseverance. said...

go to hong kong.

actually i take that back. go to china. the great wall of china on aug 14. now that's a sea of people.