You can all blame Angela G

Last summer Angela and I were joking around, probably making some
comments about the "Queen's girls" (anyone who has spent any length of
time there will know what were talking about). I can't really remember
any of the details of the conversation because I was so horrified by
what she said next: "jess, let's bring back the stirrup legging like
we wore when we were in grade 2!!" she said with great excitement.
"for the love of everything Holy and sacrednon this world NO! LET'S NOT!

Looks like she didn't listen:

autumn is the colour of joy

Today was a new day. A good day. Yesterday I started a Beth Moore study on Galatians/fruit of the Spirit called Living Beyond Yourself. So far, I've done 1 week's worth of studies in two days. It's been a good two days. 

Yesterday I made Turkey Soup while listening to A Rebel's Guide to Joy in Loneliness again. It was an odd day and I yo-yoed between being happy & content and moments of loneliness.  Since my last post about it, I have felt really supported by people. Knowing that the Montreal Metro team is praying for me is a huge comfort. (Ha! I just teared up. I didn't even realize it meant so much to me until I just typed it and got all teary-eyed).

Even though yesterday was peppered with loneliness I have to admit that this season is a good one. I mean that in both senses of the word. I love fall and I will continue to declare my love for it! It keeps me in good spirits because I love the temperature, I love the colours of the leaves, the smell of the air, the fact that I can see way more stars at night; it's so great! I also mean it in terms of this season of life. Today as I was journaling in my backyard down by the water, reflecting on some things it occurred to me that I will likely look back on this time in my life and be very grateful for it, just as I know other people have said upon completing their MPD. Long obedience in the same direction. 

Isaiah was kind of smart

Several months ago I had a conversation with Lydia in which she told me that unless I was sure I was "called" to join staff with C4C, I wouldn't make it through MPD.

She was right. 

Today I was perusing Facebook and found out that one of my floor-mates from residence in first year is now attending Yale for grad school. This added to the pang of jealousy I felt when I found out two of my classmates are now at Oxford for grad school. Yale! Oxford! 

Being so tired of MPD, it's easy to wish that I had spent less time at C4C during my undergrad and more time on my studies; it's easy to wish that I had made the time to actually have a decent average, not an embarrassingly poor one; it's easy to wish I had gone on to something prestigious and intellectual, too. 

If I didn't know that I was meant to go to Montreal, I'd probably be seriously thinking about giving up right now.... and I haven't even been doing MPD for all that long. It's pretty embarrassing (and sad) that my heart is so quick to want to jump ship. 

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you. 

Isaiah 26:3

"loans that change lives"

I'm not sure how much the average person knows about microcredit opportunities in the developing world, but maybe by the end of this post you'll know a bit more. This morning I got an email from a friend & supporter who gave me a gift certificate to Kiva. I had never heard about it before, but it turns out it's one of the cooles things I've heard of in awhile.

Microcredit is an opportunity for people in developing countries to get loans to start small businesses that will give them a basic income. Usually it's a big organization, bank, or corporation that is involved in loaning the money. Kiva does things differently. Through this website, the average person can give $25, $50, or however much they want to which ever project they wish. The reason I like this so much is because someone like me who probably will never make a boatload of money can still make a difference. If all of the people who regularly read this site gave $25 it could change the course of a couple people's lives. It's also less risky for the person giving the loan because it's not a big deal for me to lend $25 and not get it back. Kiva claims that 97% of people pay back their loans. When you get your $25 back, you can give it to someone else. It's also cool because it basically removes the middle-man. Your money goes almost directly to the individual.

I think another reason why I really like it is that it isn't a hand out. We talked a lot about how "progress" is so much more likely in a developing area if the people take ownership of whatever they're doing, rather than it just being given to them. It's like me raising my support. If Power to Change just paid me, it would be easier for me to quit during difficult times. But as I'm raising my support and pushing through difficult times (like now), I know that getting on campus will be something I've worked hard for and will appreciate more, just like I'll appreciate my supporters more.

I also have been thinking a lot about what is a Biblical perspective on compassion ministries. I've been taught a lot of stuff in my degree but I want to know if any of it aligns with God's heart on the topic. In the book of Ruth we see that through the Law God gave provision to take care of the impoverished during the harvest. Boaz tells his workers to leave some grain un-gleaned (that can't be a word) in order to let those who are poor to have something to eat, as the Law declared. Ruth had to work for her sustenance, like anyone else -- but Boaz made that possible by not taking it all for himself. This is kind of what micro-credit is. I don't spend all my own money, i lend it to someone who can make something of it and make a life for themselves and they pay me back & I can give it somewhere else.

Now...... all we need is Power to Change/Gain to start a similar peer-to-peer microcredit agency that incorporates opportunities to share Christ with these new business owners, and we're golden!

graveyard of relevance

I found this website that makes fun of christian attempts at being relevant to the generation. Here are a few of my favourite examples:

gotta love Focus on the Family





yiiiikes.



gaahahaa.

semi-colon

This weekend I went away to a ladies retreat with my church. I knew that it wasn't exactly going to be the highlight of my year, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know the ladies in my church - some already supporters and some hopefully will support me in the future. The speaker talked about Ruth and took an interesting perspective of it for the second session. She talked a lot about how Ruth must have felt moving from Moab to Israel, not knowing anyone including the customs & law etc. She pointed out how we often single people out who don't quite fit the mold and don't let them into our group of friends, how we're not welcoming etc. 

It was a really timely talk for me because I was feeling especially lonely. The past 4 years I've been fine with being away from my community & fellowship for four months, but come September I'm back into the community in full force. This year September arrived and while I go to church every sunday, there still is no community there for me. I'm the only one who's in my stage of life, and I don't even know how long I'll be staying for. I've never fit in here and I want out! 

This weekend it was particularly obvious to me how much I miss my community of friends. For the first time in four years I was the person who didn't have anyone to turn to to chat with. I found myself lingering by the book sale table (even though I have a huge stack of books I have to read, and honestly do not want to add another book to it) simply because everyone was engaged in conversation with each other and there was no room for me to sneak in. So I read and re-read what seemed like every jacket of every book. 

I'm really lonely. While I have been talking to my girls regularly, it's not the same as studying the Bible together & hanging out and being silly. 

I know that when I move to Montreal it's going to be a lot of the same thing I'm going through right now. I wont fit in right away, I wont always know what everyone is saying, I will need to adjust to a new church, culture etc. But, I know eventually in Montreal I will fit in. I know I'll make friends, be a part of a church, and eventually it will become my home. It has never felt really like home here. I've lived here for 14 years and I've never fit in, I've never really felt like I belonged, and I really just want to move on to the next stage of my life, and get out of this awful liminal purgatory. 

It's quite encouraging that Ruth did eventually integrate into the Hebrew culture. Even though she began as an outsider in a culture where true heritage was so important, she would come to be the great-grandmother of King David and from this same lineage Jesus would come. 

I have decided

I have decided, I have resolved

To wait upon you Lord.

My rock & redeemer, sheild & reward.

I wait upon you Lord.

step on crunchy leaves with me

I seriously love fall. Love love LOVE fall. I love the colours of the leaves and the crisp cool air. I love that it's not bitter cold but it's cold enough to require a thin jacket or, in my case, mittens. I love that the coolness enables me to better appreciate soup and tea. While it doesn't apply to me right now but hopefully in the future will: I also like to snuggle.  

I love when children play in the fallen leaves. I love the colour of the setting sun at 6pm when its amber rays fall on old buildings (like Queen's!). I really love listening to Arcade Fire's album Funeral while walking at 6pm, enjoying the scenery. 

You know what else I love? This has nothing to do with fall and more to do with my current anti-social behaviours resulting from significantly lowered/no social interaction right now: craigslist missed connections. While some of them are a too lust-based & sketch for my liking, I mostly just enjoy the idea. People have a moment, its nice, it passes & wonder if it could be more. It's neat to see how people describe said moment. 

attitude check (PTL!)

These last two weeks have done wonders for my MPD attitude. You may not recognize this from what you've read in the last little while. Sure, I've had my moments where I've txted people and vented about how I hate MPD. Mostly, I just dislike calling people because I have tended to dwell on vain thoughts.

Aside from that, I'm feeling the most hopeful, the most optimistic, the most motivated I've felt in months. I think my support coach notices it the most. It's hard to explain because it isn't even just a mental/intellectual change, it's a holistic change. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel different. 

It's kind of crazy to think how differently I look at things now. Two weeks ago I looked at the 56% left I had to raise and felt like it was impossible. Now, I look at the 56% and realize that it's only slightly more than I've already raised. 

All around I feel way more confident and assured and ready to hit the road and as they say here in the Ottawa Valley, "git 'er dun". 

hmm

Yesterday, I realized that I had not prayed with another individual since staff conference (6 weeks ago) and haven't prayed with someone about personal items since April. It also occurred to me that I haven't studied the Bible with someone since the beginning of April. It's about time for some fellowship. Now the task is to find some!

this week in a nutshell

Relieved I don't have to do more classes. Sad I'm missing another Queen's frosh week, and missing the bustle & excitement of september on campus. Adjusting to some friends going overseas. Hoping/praying my MPD will pick-up. Frustrated no one seems to be home. Grateful I'm at 40%. Looking forward to, even if intimidated by moving to MTL eventually. So excited to visit Kingston again. Thankful for my friends & a good long distance plan. Realizing I haven't completely dealt with everything that went down last year on campus. Mourning the direction in which some of my friends are choosing to walk. Anticipating God answering my prayers. 

This week has been full of different emotions. 

best sellers

I was in the grocery store last week and I noticed that the only Christian books on the shelves were pretty bad representatives of the faith (save The Purpose Driven Life). On Sunday I was in Westboro in Ottawa and my dad stopped in the Superstore to grab a card for someone. 

As I browsed the books I quickly became quite distraught as I saw the titles. I took this picture with my phone because I just thought it was the perfect example of the trash that is in popular consumption right now. I found it pretty ironic that the two "christian" books are closely juxtaposed to the two Oprah-crazed new age books. 

I don't know if I'm just being more aware of it in the last year or so, but it seems to me that there is an extra portion of heretical material being made available (and being widely read/discussed) than there was at any other time I can think of. I imagine that it really is no more than before, I just wasn't really aware of it.