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This weekend I went away to a ladies retreat with my church. I knew that it wasn't exactly going to be the highlight of my year, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know the ladies in my church - some already supporters and some hopefully will support me in the future. The speaker talked about Ruth and took an interesting perspective of it for the second session. She talked a lot about how Ruth must have felt moving from Moab to Israel, not knowing anyone including the customs & law etc. She pointed out how we often single people out who don't quite fit the mold and don't let them into our group of friends, how we're not welcoming etc. 

It was a really timely talk for me because I was feeling especially lonely. The past 4 years I've been fine with being away from my community & fellowship for four months, but come September I'm back into the community in full force. This year September arrived and while I go to church every sunday, there still is no community there for me. I'm the only one who's in my stage of life, and I don't even know how long I'll be staying for. I've never fit in here and I want out! 

This weekend it was particularly obvious to me how much I miss my community of friends. For the first time in four years I was the person who didn't have anyone to turn to to chat with. I found myself lingering by the book sale table (even though I have a huge stack of books I have to read, and honestly do not want to add another book to it) simply because everyone was engaged in conversation with each other and there was no room for me to sneak in. So I read and re-read what seemed like every jacket of every book. 

I'm really lonely. While I have been talking to my girls regularly, it's not the same as studying the Bible together & hanging out and being silly. 

I know that when I move to Montreal it's going to be a lot of the same thing I'm going through right now. I wont fit in right away, I wont always know what everyone is saying, I will need to adjust to a new church, culture etc. But, I know eventually in Montreal I will fit in. I know I'll make friends, be a part of a church, and eventually it will become my home. It has never felt really like home here. I've lived here for 14 years and I've never fit in, I've never really felt like I belonged, and I really just want to move on to the next stage of my life, and get out of this awful liminal purgatory. 

It's quite encouraging that Ruth did eventually integrate into the Hebrew culture. Even though she began as an outsider in a culture where true heritage was so important, she would come to be the great-grandmother of King David and from this same lineage Jesus would come.