my pride is killing me

I realized this morning I have a lot of healing to do. The Lord gave me his Joy this weekend which covered over my hurt, but I knew that I still had things to process. Now that I've finished my last paper and have a few days mental break to process this stuff, the floodgates have opened.

I got call last night from Marilyn saying I've been accepted to staff. Before you congratulate me, I need to explain to you the reasons I've asked her to put my acceptance on hold. I was honest with her about my recent bout of cynicism, and she said Ginny had mentioned to her about some other issues I was working through earlier in the year. I ended up talking to Marilyn about a lot of the difficulties that we've been having at C4C this year and how I need to process them before I accept. Right now I'm not in the right place to make the decision. In fact, the last few weeks - before I was even in this cynical state - I felt like God was starting to change my direction a bit. I felt like he was showing me that I have more of a heart for francophonie than C4C. He's showing me that I may not know what else to do, but there's this whole other world out there and it will be such an adventure that He'll take me on no matter where I go. I just need to trust.

This morning, I've been thinking about this stuff. I've been crying essentially the whole morning thinking about the things I need to process and do. Praise the Lord for him putting people in my life who can relate, who have solid enough theology to be able to point to me and tell me I'm living a gospel that says Christ's work is insufficient. It IS sufficient. God loves us so much and we can never add to His love by the things we do.

So, in my thinking, crying, processing, I've realized that I do have so many wounds that I've been too proud to deal with. I have so many semesters of debatable self-violence in the name of ministry that I need to be done with. I need some serious gospel truth... it's the only thing that heals me. Praise God for taking care of me though. Without him I'd be surely dead. I know I sound really sketchy and depressed right now. I'm just in it right now (reference to Garden State, anyone?) The Lord is my shepherd and I am not in want. He has taken me to this place, time and time again, but I have been to proud to admit that I need help. I'm admitting that I need help. Marilyn tipped Ginny off to my need to talk, and so Ginny and I are going to have a phone date... probably a very tearful one at that.

So, please pray for me as I process this. I know its really vague, and for some of you I will elaborate if you would like, just email me (Ang & Lyd). This has a lot of implications on the decision I make about my future and so it's actually something I need to take seriously, even if people don't think its serious. As a new friend has told me over and over again this past week, I need to take care of myself.