winning hearts and minds

"Did you just write History 292 exam?"
I turn to look at the girl who is asking me this and reply, "Yes, I did actually."
"Well, how do you think it went?"
"Um, not so great at all," and I laugh awkwardly thinking about the whole semester, how I hated the class and avoided it, how I skipped many lectures and a lot of the tutorials because they drove me crazy and, incidentally, also didn't do many of the readings.
"I'm sure you did well. Why don't you think you did well?" she asks in this really weird motherly tone and I told her just what I had been thinking about the classes etc.
"Well how do you expect to learn if you never go to class?"
Who is this girl and why is she talking to me again?
"Hmm, well it's actually more that I have a bunch of other more important classes and this one gets shoved to the side a bit," I say trying to remain calm.
"Well, you have to make priorities, don't you."
Indeed. Right now, I want to walk to the library, do something for 45 minutes and get back to class. Please stop talking to me.
"Exactly," I say and reflect on how this conversation is really weird. There's just something about her that's kind of eerie. I keep walking with her mostly because I don't really have a reason to abandon her yet. "So what are you up to?"
"Well, i'm going to the Last Lecture On Earth series. My english professor is giving it. You should come. I think you could really benefit from what he is going to say."
Um, what? At this point, I've been clued in to the fact that this conversation is beyond the ordinary, and beginning to think its some sort of divine appointment.
"Really. What topic is he speaking on?"
"You know, language and speaking. How to break through to the next level, really, you know?"
Space case! This girl is clearly tripping on something.
"Hmm."
I don't really remember where the conversation goes at this point, but I ask her if she's ok and she replies that she isn't really, she's working through some things. She seemed like she didn't really have anyone to talk to about it, so I asked her if she needed to talk. I anticipated an opportunity to share God's love. I didn't anticipate an opportunity to do so by taking a stranger to the Hospital because was so mentally unstable I was concerned to leave her out in public at night.

As our conversation continued she would swing from laughing hysterically to weeping by my feet on her knees. She talked of not seeing colour for 9 years, of travelling the world with her diplomat father and being tired of pretending to be all these things. She talked of going to Greece and saying they had "too much culture. You know, some culture is good, but too much is bad. Theirs was bad. There was so much deception and HATE. There was SO MUCH HATE." and she bursts into anguished tears again. The voices in her head, apparently, were really low pitched and spoke of these lies, this deception and hate. At this point, I was in a hospital room that was being monitored by surveillance.

I really didn't want to be there in that room with her. I really actually wanted to be in my stupid lecture than be there. But at the same time, it was pretty clear no one else had had the love or the sense to bring her to get help, so I stayed until the doctor let me leave. All I know is her first name and the name of a friend that she kept talking about, saying that she "Just needed to push through for her and Sabrina."

I was really disturbed by the events, to my surprise. I got really anxious about it and then when I was walking home just felt really weird, very much like I was being followed. I prayed with my housemates about it, and after we had prayed I felt so much better and free from whatever was bothering me. I did get the opportunity to share the gospel with her, but I'm not sure if she was able to really understand, I don't even know if she'll remember me. But I slipped a Knowing God Personally booklet into her coat pocket. Pray for Margaret.

normaler

So, things are better. Not normal, but better than before. Tonight at the weekly C4C meeting I shared my testimony, in all its awkward-for-the-guys-ness. I was really challenged by God to be completely honest about everything that has happened in my life because he has healed me and changed me. This is how I started it off:

We’ve just heard some pretty amazing stories of how God has been working in these people’s lives. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, especially in the last few weeks. This semester has been so weird for me. Usually I love my program – I’m studying Global Development Studies – as depressing as the program is, I usually enjoy it. But I’ve been here struggling through the semester, hating my classes, wanting my degree to be over and done with, just trying to get through each day. God kept exhorting me to press on, to persevere, to be steadfast. But day after day as I had to force myself to do readings about things that seem like such a waste of my existence (remind me WHY we’re questioning if child prostitution is wrong?); day after day doing things I love like discipling my girls, leading my DG, going to Servant Team meetings, coming here and hanging out with you guys; day after day, wondering when I’d be able to relax, have real fun. In some ways I lived for those hours on Sunday afternoon when Brittany would be discipling me and when I would not have to be a leader, I wouldn’t have to represent C4C, when I could just be me, my totally obnoxious, weird, mom-joke-telling self.

In the last few weeks everything has come to halt and I’ve had to ask myself, why am I doing this again? Why am I going to all ends of my sanity to build into people, to share my life, to make hard decisions, to risk my friendships with people for the sake of the truth, and to see my marks seriously suffer. As I reflected on this I knew exactly why: because God has done a hugely amazing transformative mind-blowing, i-can’t-believe-its-not-butter work in my life.

It's true, though. God has changed me through and through. I was able to talk about sketchy things in my deep past as if it was someone else's story, because in a way it is no longer my story; the old has gone the new has come. This past week, in a way, has been good for me to reflect on how amazing God is, and how good he is to me, no matter what I go through.

this is part of my conclusion:

This is why I go out. This is why I spend my time doing what I do. Because God loves me and he went to extreme lengths to save me in my wretchedness. I go out and risk and sacrifice because I was one of those people, I still am one of those people who needs God so desperately. I go out because I love my God and he has been so good to me. I go out because people need to hear this beautiful news, this story of love, of compassion, of sacrifice, of freedom, of redemption, of mercy, of grace, of joy and life to its full.... I just can’t explain to you in words how good God has been to me and how much I love him. How much his word is so true and I see it working out in my life. It’s why my life verse is 1 Thessalonians 2:8: We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

I have nothing to brag about, except for Christ’s work in me. So I go out knowing only this: that I was so dead in my sin, but now I’m so very alive in Christ.

Hmm, so yeah. God is good to me!

my pride is killing me

I realized this morning I have a lot of healing to do. The Lord gave me his Joy this weekend which covered over my hurt, but I knew that I still had things to process. Now that I've finished my last paper and have a few days mental break to process this stuff, the floodgates have opened.

I got call last night from Marilyn saying I've been accepted to staff. Before you congratulate me, I need to explain to you the reasons I've asked her to put my acceptance on hold. I was honest with her about my recent bout of cynicism, and she said Ginny had mentioned to her about some other issues I was working through earlier in the year. I ended up talking to Marilyn about a lot of the difficulties that we've been having at C4C this year and how I need to process them before I accept. Right now I'm not in the right place to make the decision. In fact, the last few weeks - before I was even in this cynical state - I felt like God was starting to change my direction a bit. I felt like he was showing me that I have more of a heart for francophonie than C4C. He's showing me that I may not know what else to do, but there's this whole other world out there and it will be such an adventure that He'll take me on no matter where I go. I just need to trust.

This morning, I've been thinking about this stuff. I've been crying essentially the whole morning thinking about the things I need to process and do. Praise the Lord for him putting people in my life who can relate, who have solid enough theology to be able to point to me and tell me I'm living a gospel that says Christ's work is insufficient. It IS sufficient. God loves us so much and we can never add to His love by the things we do.

So, in my thinking, crying, processing, I've realized that I do have so many wounds that I've been too proud to deal with. I have so many semesters of debatable self-violence in the name of ministry that I need to be done with. I need some serious gospel truth... it's the only thing that heals me. Praise God for taking care of me though. Without him I'd be surely dead. I know I sound really sketchy and depressed right now. I'm just in it right now (reference to Garden State, anyone?) The Lord is my shepherd and I am not in want. He has taken me to this place, time and time again, but I have been to proud to admit that I need help. I'm admitting that I need help. Marilyn tipped Ginny off to my need to talk, and so Ginny and I are going to have a phone date... probably a very tearful one at that.

So, please pray for me as I process this. I know its really vague, and for some of you I will elaborate if you would like, just email me (Ang & Lyd). This has a lot of implications on the decision I make about my future and so it's actually something I need to take seriously, even if people don't think its serious. As a new friend has told me over and over again this past week, I need to take care of myself.

good idea: riding an elevator. bad idea: the following...

So I was going up to the third floor of Stauffer library today to get a book and I was kind of energetic about it. Alone in the elevator I started jumping. It was an excellent thigh work out until right before the elevator stopped and the gravitational force shifted a bit and it seemed like I was floating for a split second. I freaked out and fell weird on my toes (like ALL my weight on my big toe crumpled under my feet). And then I felt really stupid. I had been, after all, jumping in an elevator by myself with no one else to egg me on.

It just seems so much weirder than my normal iPod elevator dancing. Cause who can really keep dancing to JT singing My Love inside? WHO?

p.s. this post has caused me to start a new tag: i'm stupid and embarrass myself.

(wo)man over board

I don't recall ever being this cynical and bitter in all my days. I feel like I'm at a point of no return, although I know I can. It's not that my love for God has changed, that's still the same. I still love his Word so much. There are just... other things. I don't feel I should necessarily share here because, well, I'm already in a bad place, I can't imagine me letting my emotions flow onto the page is really going to produce uplifting, inspiring, edifying words. I guess I would say I'm suffering from C4C syndrome haha. That's not a very nice thing to call it, but it's all I got. And at a prayer meeting tonight He gave me this:

"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

And this one came to me now: "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:15. It's nice to know He's still taking care of me when I'm a giant loser. I guess that's Romans 5:8 in play: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I love seeing scripture come to life.

on chivalry

Whoever said chivalry is dead might be partly on to something. I think this is one instance where feminism thought it won, but really lost out on something big. I personally enjoy chivalry a lot. I used to think it was kind of stupid because I felt like it was this tactic for men to remind us that they are powerful or something stupid like that. But this week I had a few unusual experiences with chivalry. I have some friends who have guy friends who are pretty hard core about how to treat a Lady, but I can't say that my guy friends have the same views.

This week, I was shocked at my appreciation of this guy who didn't just do the average hold-the-door-sort-of-open-while-you-follow-through-behind-it thing. He walked completely out of the door, stood there holding it open while I walked entirely out of it. I said thanks, but I didn't say it in the way that I really meant it because I didn't realize how much it actually meant to me until after. It made my day!

And then tonight something similarly unusual happened: a guy friend offered to cut a piece of pizza for me. Now, looking back on that (and trying to see this from your perspective, dear reader) that seems pretty bizarre and possibly on the controlling side (I'll have you know he cut it bigger than I wanted, so we can't argue that he was suggesting I should lose weight). I knew his intent was to serve me in a meaningful way and not to take away my agency. It was unusual, but I appreciated it a lot. Who knew such a simple act could be so nice? I think the awkward thing that I just realized is that I'm not treated like 'one of the guys', but at the same time my guy friends don't really treat me like a lady either. So I guess that means we're placed in this weird androgynous purgatory of sorts. Hmm.

update to hot 10

Ok so since posting my hot 10 I've found some other things that I like that I want to share with people. I admit, some of these things may cause you to want to end your friendship with me (if last post wasn't enough), or in other cases (ie, the ppl in texas, north africa, etc.) you wont want to actually begin it in the first place. So here they are:

Last.fm. It's like a smash up between myspace and iPartee and pandora (sort of ). It helps you to find music that is similar to people you like (like stars) etc. Just go look at it.


Don't Forget the Lyrics. It is a show on MuchMoreMusic (and Fox) that essentially glorified Karaoke meets Who Wants to be a Millionaire. You sing along and then fill in the missing lyrics in order to win money. Its funny, its heart breaking, its embarassing, its pathetic, and WTF is with Wayne Brady's hairline??? seriously.

That's it. I think. Until next time. :)

PMS: pre-messiah syndrome

I'm a monster; a total heathen! Every month I forget just how much I'm a terrible person, and then I get PMS and I turn into this ferocious (and veracious - in a bad way) lioness who wants to rip anyone to shreds. I think God puts us women through this just so that we would be humbled on a regular basis, so our heads don't explode with our greatness (cause we're pretty great!). I was just in my kitchen seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeething. The amount of times 'murder' came into my head was a shocking indicator of how mentally sktetchmo I am during this time. It's kind of ridiculous, but this feeling inside isn't fluffy. I think I would probably describe it as 'utter rage' or 'i'm-so-mad-i'll-rip-off-your-face' or something.

So essentially I was there loading the dishwasher sinking further and further into mental unstableness when I realized that I didn't have to be that way. So then I pretty much was just repeating "help me love people, God, help me love people" in order to keep insane rage at bay. It sort of worked. Anyways, could you imagine me withOUT Jesus? I also think perhaps the reason God made men to be natural adventurous warrior types (give or take a little) is so that they can deal with their PSYCHO wives. God help my future husband. He'll need it.

unusual things that happened this week

• I felt more comfortable telling my hijab-wearing muslim friend about what I was doing after school and that I felt God leading me there, than telling my agnostic classmates
• someone emailed us @ C4C and asked us if they could do a documentary on us because they're confused at who we are/what our mandate is.
  
• being so sleep deprived (or just crazy) that I thought I was about to step on a small animal on the sidewalk when really it was just the shadow of a moving leaf.
• I led a seminar that went really well by the grace of God (I really hadn't prepared)
  
• I was asked by a friend to attend the RMC Ball on the 24th of November
• i almost cleaned my room. haha no not really, but its getting gross enough for me to want to!
• I got this weird email from myself (through 43things.com) saying:
  

  Dear future self,
  
  I'm reminding you about your stated goal on 43 things, to
  "get my masters in international development".
  
  How's it going?
  
  Sincerely,
  Your past self
  Your past self

  creepy. If I wasn't so sure of what I'm meant to be doing, this would really throw me for a loop.