adventures in driving

Wednesday I drove to Elmira where my dad's family is in order to do some MPD. Thursday morning I had an appointment and right after that I had to pick up Angela from her North Africa STINT debrief. The week earlier we discussed how to get there, which consisted of her telling me the name of the place, me searching it on google maps & getting the map. 

Thursday at noon I left St. Clements to drive to what I was led to believe was a retreat centre just south of Guelph. That was true, but not quite what I had in mind. The following was the map I had found in my quick google maps query:

maps wouldn't let me embedd a map, so here's the link to where the wrong directions brought me & where I needed to go. 

So that's pretty easy, I figured. But when I arrived at 12:30 sharp, I found I was in a residential area with nothing like a retreat centre in site. I had no address. All I had was the name of the place that was in an email on my iPod. It seemed as if I was screwed. So having NO CLUE where this thing was I stopped at a gas station and asked if they recognized the name. Being that it was a Christian retreat centre i figured they probably didn't recognize it. They didn't. They did recognize Puslich, ON and gave me directions to that. 

Ok, I realized at this point that I was on a bit of an adventure.

I got to the lights, drove to the next set of lights and found that there was not a gas station like the man had said. I continued on until I did find another gas station and went in for directions again. The guy pulled out a map (funny, you'd think I would have just bought it off of him since it was a store and everything) and showed me where I was. I had gone in the opposite direction the gas station guy had told me. Minor details. So I was twice as far away from where I needed to be. He gave me directions and as I drove I started forgetting them. I knew I needed to turn left in to the 34 & get to Brock St. but where the heck did I turn? My first left? The first stop sign? I took the first left and drove until the next main road. I found myself on hwy 6. Not where I wanted to be. I went down there and took what look like maybe it was the right road. I ended up back on the road I had turned off of that got me to hwy 6. Ugh. somehow i managed to weave my way to the original place that got me onto the 34. 

ANYWAYS, I got VERY LOST. And I still had no idea where this place was. I somehow managed to remember that where I needed to go was south-east and relatively near to the 401. I didn't mean to get onto the 401 but the road i was travelling on just turned into a turn-pike going east on the 401. haha oops. I took the first exit and found myself at a red light turning waiting to turn left. At this point I was soooooo frustrated and still had no idea where I was going. It was 1:45. I had been driving for almost 2 hours. I had previously prayed for a sign -- a physical sign or something else. 

And then there the sign was, in all it's glory. A van pulled across my vision as it turned left in front of me. And there she was, Selina one of the STINTers in the van. I knew that she had come from the direction that I was planning on turning away from. So I ended up turning right - driving, and miraculously found the place. Reunited with Angela!

For amusement sake I will show you the ridiculous route I took in getting to the place:

The pink lightning bolt is where I had my Selina sighting. I'd also like to point out that the purple line is not even the directions the 2nd gas station dude told me to go. He told me to take the 34 straight to Brock St = I wouldn't have a) seen Selina or b) really gotten to my destination like I had hoped. So the getting-lost thing was to my advantage... sort of. 

on oversharing

So I was reading this article from the Boundless Blog that talks about how many people overshare -- are too open about their life's details -- and the implications of that in a real life example. I know that I often talk openly about my life and forget that others aren't interested in their lives being exposed for all to see. 

Where is the line between honesty, openness about one's own life? At what point do we cross the line between sharing information that will be helpful to others in their own lives to making our own lives like a zoo where people come to watch for entertainment or to make themselves feel better? AND, is there anything wrong with that? Are randoms-who-blog like me promoting this obsession with other people's lives that has made people like Perez Hilton popular? 

I'd like your thoughts :)

all I can think of are clichés and this is not the time for them

So in driving home from a support appointment today I was thinking about how I get myself in situations I don't know how to deal with. I have plenty of stories of people confessing awful things that they have done or been through or stories that I have experienced with people as they were honest & shared their life with me. But then, like I said, I find myself in situations I have no clue how to deal with or help them through. 

What do you say to a person who tells you they used to cut themselves when they were upset but then switched to watching hard core pornography so that they would feel ashamed?

What do you say to a person who has clearly told you that they have  a plan to kill themselves and explain the plan to you? 

What about when a person admits a sexual abuse so horrible that they actually don't remember the details -- their brain has blocked it out -- but they know it happened?*

Seriously? What do you say!? The crazy thing is, I could probably avoid knowing these things about people. When asking people about themselves I often can tell if they are lying or not telling the whole truth and because I love Truth I usually probe until it comes to the surface. And then I'm left speechless. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this and I respected people's boundaries; if they decide to say they're doing fine when they're not, maybe I should just let them be. But from experience, so many of these people just aren't honest because they don't feel like they have anyone to be honest with -- that people don't care or will be so horrified they'll run off. I admit, I have wanted to run before! 

So on this drive home today I was asking myself: why do I open up the doors for people to pour out their scary scary secrets, when I'm so helpless to do anything. I concluded that even if I don't have the words to say to make it better maybe in being honest they wont feel alone through it all. And maybe, just maybe, they'll be one step closer to healing. 

*none of these things are associated with the person I met with today

Dear Random Strangers,

Please stop sending me emails that are not to me. I am not Jessica H, I am not from the US. Nor do I live in New Zealand. I am neither of these Jessicas. I have never signed up for eHarmony and I'm not sure why you're sending me pictures of the deer you shot. But I am going to share these pictures with the world cause that's what you get for sending your email to the wrong person.... over and over and over. 

time goes by so slowly

So remember at the beginning of last semester when I was enrolled in those french classes for like... a day before a dropped them out of laziness? Well, I think that lesson in perseverance that I was supposed to learn then is coming back to bite me in the butt. This MPD thing is really getting to me. The calling is the hard part for me. Once the appointment is made, I'm golden. Making the appointment is so hard for me. I find it so easy to justify putting off the calling and then I'm left with 3 appointments in a week instead of 10. 3 appointments a week means that I will be around doing MPD for a very long time, but it doesn't seem to sink into my thick skull that more calls now will generally speaking mean less time away from Montreal. 

This is so reminiscent of french class in 3rd year. I would have this physical pain in my chest because I hated going to class so much and then often I would skip and the relief would be instant. FREEDOM. But I can't do that now. In some ways I am but another part of me tries to talk some sense into me. What happens is usually an evening of calling turns into about 5 dials, 2 actually getting through to people & maybe 1 appt made if I'm lucky. BLAH.

the office, waterloo etc.

I made a semi-spontaneous trip to Elmira/Waterloo this weekend. We left at 6:30 am and got to Elmira at 12:30ish I think. Nick and I watched The Office the entire ride down on his laptop. I think it was Season 2. That was thoroughly enjoyable. When we watched the office on Thursday nights this past semester I never really realized how RETARCULOUSLY funny it is. Mostly cause people were talking & I had no idea what was going on. The few things I could pick up at the time was that Jim liked Pam and Michael was a tard and had a thing with Jan but I don't think I really knew who Jan was... Julia just kept talking about Jan and all these other peoples' names that I never figured out who they were. BUT NOW I KNOW.

I ended up being able to get together with Marvin in Waterloo Friday evening where we chatted for awhile & I got to do my presentation with her. That was pretty exciting. Her reaction (= feeling perhaps the beginning of a calling to Quebec, no jokes!) I think was the best one I've had so far. Seriously. People partnering in prayer & finances is sweet, but people partnering in prayer and finances and then wanting to go themselves?? That's out of control.

I really enjoyed spending time with my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins. They've been serving in Prague, Czech Republic for the last 10 years and have only been back for not even an entire year. We talked about how they're back in Canada but it's definitely not home, and doing cross-cultural missions. They had some pretty interesting and important insight about the challenges I will likely face in reaching the Quebecois population. 

As most of you know, while I was there I found out that my grampy (who I had visited while I was in BC) had suddenly passed away. I'm doing fine with the news; I know he lived a good 15-20 years longer than is normal for someone with diabetes (he was going to be awarded some crazy certificate from the Governor General for health... which is kind of weird. like "congratulations for not dying yet!") and I know he's gone to be with Jesus so that's pretty cool. So, as strange as it may seem to some people -- my life is going on as usual. I can't afford to fly out to BC for the funeral, but my mom & younger brother are leaving on Wednesday for the Memorial service on Saturday. 

My next few weeks are going to fly by like crazy I think. I'd like to see if maybe I can actually get 10 appointments this week, but I kind of doubt that. We shall see!

ti-yerd

Last night's meeting totally wiped me out. I don't know how but I kind of hit the wall of too much out-put. I'm not even really putting out (ha!) that much emotionally -- just doing my presentation & working up the nerve to call people. But, I guess I learned last semester as I read the book called Burnout that people who constantly experience or face rejection are more apt to feel worn out. Rightfully so.

Anyways, I took the day off (save about an hours worth of dialing & data entry) and it's been nice. Granted, I really REALLY want to watch a couple episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8, but my mom's ... (this is me editing the mean adverbs I want to use) husband is very determined to ... watch A&E (read: depressing shows about murder & mayhem) and not let me experience 6 small bits of 3-year-old-asian joy.

So I think I'll do something else with my time as my KFC digests uncomfortably. I really need to brush up on my webdesign non-skills and turn them into skills. When I was 16 I changed my blog template practically every week. I had lots of time on my hands then apparently.

things not to do in MPD 1

some of you have had the entertaining experience of watching When Bob Goes A Calling (or whatever it's called) -- the example/bloopers of a MPD presentation. I had a blooper-like experience tonight. Actually, it was very similar to one of the What Not To Dos where the get-to-know-them time at the beginning goes on for like 2 hours about fishing? Yep. 

My appointment was THREE HOURS. Count 'em: 3. Things I learned from this:

1. When they seem like talkers during the rapport building at the beginning, be WARY when you ask the lead question into the presentation. It took a good 7 minutes for him to answer. 
2. Even if you don't have an appt right after, say you have things to do - you probably should be calling people anyways, so peace out.
3. GET A WATCH, I have put off getting a watch for awhile but I will be watch shopping tomorrow I assure you

My face is sore from the talking and i'm just plain exhausted. I think I may be officially afraid of appointments!

i feel in my heart --- the start of something new

I look forward to the day when I wont die by using my laptop in the bath. Since I don't have a pool, I'm loving the idea of just sitting in a cold bath in my bathing suit doing MPD. I could technically call people from a cold bath, but dropping the phone into the bath is very likely. This heat is really getting to me -- it's been 2 days and already the headaches and stickiness has started. I'm not made for this. I'm made for .... not this. I hope heaven is temperate and God's glory doesn't cause a sticky humidity or dry hot heat. I guess even if it did, I'd like it?

MPD is going well. 9% so far. I'm happy with that. But what I'm not happy with is my own personal performance. My presentations are going well -- finally I'm getting the hang of NOT forgetting a few key parts. One time I remembered to say them, but forgot to tell my stories haha. I'm not happy with my calling abilities. I think I've finally got the hang of calling and realized I'd really rather be rejected on the phone if I was going to be rejected. But I haven't been rejected so far, so that's pretty good. Some have been near-rejects/rejects-by-tone-of-voice-but-saying "I'll talk to my husband" or whatever.

Enough about MPD. I'm kind of sick of it (sort of). I really need a hobby. I made a webpage to help my MPD - which was nice because it was something creative that counted for MPD hours haha. I've been trying to think of things I should do -- they have to have quick results or there's really no point. I want something creative -- artsy, music-like, or literary.... since on my Birkman I'm like 95-99% on all three of those areas. Also, I'm finding myself more in need of social contact that doesn't involve me talking about MPD/what I'm doing/asking for money or referrals. I'm still emailing with people which is nice, but that's not the same as hanging out and randomly busting out in unison to cheesy songs and generally having history with ppl.

Jessica W, BAH

I graduated yesterday. I was pretty surprised with how emotional I was. There was this great moment when everyone stood and clapped for us. I nearly starred sobbing. Finally we were getting the recognition we deserved, I deserved. I kept waving off any words of affirmation previously, but when the whole room stood up to congratulate us on all our hard work and perseverance I got all emotional. Yes, I worked hard and put up with a lot of secular academic bs on order to get my degree. It was nice to see people acknowledging the dedication it takes to not quit. I'm not saying that school was all that her; it wasn't. But school + ministry + having a life = hard work at times. I could have had really good marks had my life been only about school. I chose to have a balance and learning how to balance was a challenge. So now I am a university graduate. It's kind of spiffy sounding. I like it! Jessica W, BAH.

i think this roller-coaster beats Wonderland any day

My life revolves around MPD. My dad said to me, "you can take a break, you know?" and then I replied, "have. not. completed. my. eight. hours. yet!" It proceeded to be a very discouraging time of phone-calling. People who I grew up with their kids, they and my parents were quite close for awhile. They seemed very uninterested in meeting with me. I know that they'd be very supportive at least in philosophy of what I'm doing, but they assume I'm going to corner them and make them feel guilty if they don't give seems to make them uncomfortable. 

Anyways, after I was done calling all these questions were swirling in my head. They weren't SERIOUS, BIG questions, just the kind of rhetorical ones like: why am I doing this again?? And then my smart brain would come up with good answers and it was annoying. why did I not just get a normal job?

I was glad my work was done for the evening. I went into town to my moms and then was showing her my new iPod Touch my dad got me as a graduation gift (p.s. her name is Miss Rose and she's SO HOT). I was telling my mom how disappointing and slightly discouraging it was to have these conversations with these people. She was pretty discouraged, too, i could tell from her tight-lipped "Mmhmm"s. As we're talking about this, the phone rings. 

A couple I left a message on their machine that evening called. He was THRILLED I called and said he already supported someone with C4C, but said my call was an answer to prayer. "I'll write the $600 check right now." He said he'd be a random giver, and gives what extra he has and puts it where God tells him. That's encouraging. 

And then to top that off, someone I had been praying would give mentioned they had been thinking they would give when I asked them for an appointment. So basically, God is pretty darn incredible and I like Him.