a lot of you have done this already and can laugh at me/empathize

When I said previously that I was excited to do MPD, let me say for the record that I was ignorant. Sure, sharing my vision is fun and working closer to my support goal is also great. But picking up the phone and calling people to make appointments is hella scary. HELLA SCARY.

that is all. 

10 things

i'm back and i feel like i've been caught in a whirlwind/tornado. It hasn't sunk in that I'm going to Montreal yet, because Montreal still seems so far away. I have only had one appointment and only have 2 scheduled for the rest of the week so far. I spent extra time in BC to visit my grandfather in the hospital who was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor 6 weeks ago. I got off the plane at midnight local time this morning. Two words: JET LAG.

Highlights of my trip in no particular order:

10. I love airplanes

09. The mountains!

08. Meeting & getting to know "Len". What an amazing guy. I'm so glad he's the president

07. Rooming with Emily T!!

06. Getting placed in Montreal

05. Getting my Birkman (oh my goodness was that ever enlightening)

04. Eating at Whitespot

03. Seeing my family out in BC

02. Watch my grandfather flirt with the nurses like stereotypical old men on TV/movies

01. Knowing that the next 10 years of my life are going to be so much more full & exciting and abounding in possibilities that I never had imagined before I went to BC. 

the journey begins

I'm finished MET & my aunt is coming to pick me up in a little bit. I've really appreciated my time here. Last night after all the official festivities ended, all the new staff hung out in the girls' suite and talked. We played hotseat and had a great time asking each other questions about each other. There were some intense moments and some really funny moments. I really like these people! MPD training in particular was challenging. It challenged a lot of my ideas, it taught me a lot, and I feel very equipped to go out and start my support team. 

I've also been thinking about locking up my blog again - not because of personal insecurities, but because of the organization's blogging policy. I want to do my best to honour that so we'll see how that turns out. 

I kind of feel like my MPD time hasn't started yet & wont start until I get home. That's partially true, but there are some administrative things I can do until wednesday. I imagine I'll have at least 2 presentations to do here, and 2 when I get home, but I'll try and set up several appointments for the end of the week next week. In order to hit our goal in a reasonable time, we're encouraged to have 10-15 appointments a week. We'll see if I'm able to get near that many. 

This is going to be quite a ridiculous ride.

from sea to shining sea (where will I be?)

I'm writing this at 6:30 pm (BC time) May 16. I'm scheduling to have this published at 5pm BC time May 17 when I'm allowed to inform the world of where I'll be going. I did this because at this time I should be at "Len's" place for supper & for an evening swim. I have to say, one of the highlights of MET has been to get to know the president of my organization better. What strikes me the most about him is his humility. He makes it very clear how he has lived a life that so many of us in the organization strive to live -- but that he turned away from this lifestyle for 7 years. He saw so many incredible things done by God in his life, yet he turned away. It takes a lot to be honest about that. I'm looking forward to going to his place. Oh right, I'm here to tell you where my placement is! I guess I'll stop leaving you hanging. Montreal, here I come! 

moment of truth

Today I got an envelope with my name on it. It told me where I'll be going once my support raising is finished. However, I cannot tell you where I'm going until tomorrow evening. We're supposed to not talk about it for 24 hours in order for us to process the information if it's not where we were expecting. I think this is a good rule, even if some people are skeptical about it.

In the envelope was a letter from the director of Campus for Christ, and another envelope with my placement information in it. I cannot explain to you how fast my heart beat as I read that letter and opened the envelope. 

there is therefore now no condemnation...

I have this tendency to be exposed to a lie and then realize it, and be kind of annoyed that I believed it and then go on a personal crusade in defiance of said lie. 8 weeks ago I password protected this blog and invited some people to have access to it. I was honest and said it was "rooted in my embarrassment of my questionable character and lack of perfection" which I admitted as being lame at the time. I'm kind of shocked at my brutal honesty -- I knew it back then that what I was doing was as a result of some stupid idea that people might read about my life and make some condemning judgment about me. 

So, in the spirit of rebellion against my former acceptance of an insecurity, I am opening up my blog again. As to who won the bet about how long it would take for me to open it back up - Angela said I would hold out until MET and MET is in 2 days, although her reasoning wasn't right. The reason I'm doing it is because I recognize that my logic is faulty (as I did back then, but was still kind of affected by the idea) but also to stand firm against this stupid logic. 

So for everyone out there reading this: yes, i post disgusting pictures of rotting food and say things that might make you squirm -- whether it's because I talk about Jesus a lot or whether it's because I make obscure references to drug usage. But ultimately, I am accepted by God and really... that's the most important thing. :) 

i'm gross and no one will want to marry me after i post this

I procrastinate. You all should know this by now.

This means that I have been known to let cleaning slide a bit. My room gets quite messy, and this year so did my mini fridge. having 5 girls in one home means that the fridge is bulging and really doesn't fit everything. So I kept my food in my mini-fridge in my room.

I had a pretty busy semester, lot's of things happened as you know. I'm not really sure when this happened, but one day I opened my fridge and it was starting to smell bad. And then i closed it and thought to myself, "I should clean that out. I'll do it later." Time passed. I don't know how long or when this was but eventually I vowed I wouldn't open it again until the end of the semester. This was mainly because moments before i had opened it and the smell filled my entire floor of the house. It was still cold and I couldn't open the windows. So I made the vow, and while I did it it occurred to me "wow, that's going to be foul. The end of the semester is quite awhile away." But I did it.

So moving day came and I was going to get Julia to help me carry the fridge down the 2 flights of stairs outside. "Do you have a hose?" she asked. I didn't. I realized i REALLY needed one, and so then I just opted to wait until getting home to clean it out. I duct taped it up. The following day when kevin & I lifted it into the trailer, juices were leaking out of it onto my hand. Gross.

So I wasn't planning for that trailer to sit outside in the hot sun for 2 days. When I finally unloaded it at my dad's place on the Wednesday (we moved Sunday) it was... an adventure. I thought it would smell so bad it would make me want to hurl. It was actually not that much worse than it had been when I closed it - which is a testament to how gross I had let it get when I first shut it.

I did document it however. Just cause I'm freaky like that. Do not scroll down if you are eating or have just eaten. Just don't. Also, you will probably lose all respect for me. I guess I can deal with that.

that's the fridge when I first opened it

That was spaghetti. I don't really remember what was in it that made it do that

that was a head of broccoli. yum!
that was a green pepper.

Now the question is: will you still be my friend?

la compagne

things I love about my dad's place that make living with dial-up internet bearable (i may take back the "bearable" part later on this summer) in no particular order:

05. sunsets on the water
04. canoeing to the waterfall & to islands on the Ottawa river and swimming
03. the incredible stars at night
02. campfires in my backyard roasting "guimauves"
01. the sound of the bugs & frogs & birds at night

All five of these things I have enjoyed this week (although not the second half of #4) and I have been particularly pleased that Brittany has enjoyed them as well. It warms my heart so much to know that my friend is here with me enjoying this too. It makes me so much more compelled to invite everyone else who hasn't seen my lovely country place to come (especially so I wont be so lonely).

Britt and I went for a walk and it made me think of various people in my life: the broken down abandoned homes reminded me of my good friend Mel's farmhouse that her great-(great?)-grandfather built with his bear hands a few kilometers away from my place; it made me think of what fun Lydia would have in taking pictures around here; it made me think of how far I am away from Angela et al. ; it made me think of all those times i really (proudly & stupidly) thought of myself a city girl, and let's face it - country is a big part of who I am today.

miracles do still happen

Once upon a time I used to be very very particular about who touched my computer. After many hours of hating my desktop computer with Windows, I hated my desktop computer with Linux slightly less - but both merited my deepest hatred; they were awful demon machines useful for nothing.

And then I bought my iBook in second year. Before it was really cool & normal to sport an Apple laptop, I had Athena. I had only had her less than a year when I ended taking her with me to Montreal Project where I had to get over my obsessive protectiveness and let other people use her.

Over the years I've become less & less obsessive about her, probably comparable to a mother letting her child go to her first sleep over and then to summer camp and eventually to University.

But sometimes your children have accidents. Sometimes, when they're out doing the things they love they get hurt. Like my brother's friend who broke his neck snowboarding one time, Athena's neck was broken today. Quite literally!

I was in the shower this afternoon when I heard this big crash/bang/boom. My first thought was "I hope Brittany is ok"- but really, how much damage can she do when she's sitting on my couch reading a missionary biography? I figured she had just put her feet on the coffee table and knocked off the many books there. So I continued my shower.

And then as I was turning the water off I hear a firm & urgent knock on the bathroom door.

"Yeah?"
"Um... I did something very bad."
"What?"
"Um... well... it is very bad and don't hate me."
"I wont. What happened?" I thought about it. What would I possibly hate her for doing? "Did you drop my computer?"
"Yes...."
"How bad is it?"
"Um..."
I come out of the bathroom to see britt sitting on the couch holding my closed laptop on her lap staring at it. It looked fine. Then she showed me what it looked like when it opened up haha. So funny. I'll have to take a picture of it later and upload it when I'm not on dial-up. Basically something broke in the hinge connecting the base to the screen, and now the screen is crooked, on a weird angle to the side. It's pretty funny and makes me look ghetto poor now. Maybe it will help with MPD??

I was not upset at all which is itself evidence that miracles still happen. I probably had extra grace because it's brittany, too. She kept apologizing profusely and felt horrible. It's kind of crazy how normally my eyes would have rolled into the back of my head and then I would have started foaming at the mouth, while uttering guttural slurs about murder and death. But I was fine!! I wasn't mad at all! I think it's mostly because I've been wanting a new computer for the last month or so. This one is almost 3 years old and still works ok, but it is starting to struggle a bit and is quite outdated since the new MacBooks have come out. I wont be able to run tntMPD which is a really essential program for doing support raising. We'll see how it all works out, cause I'm sure it will. I'm not even worried (which is Miracle From God #2)

globe trotters

My friends are spread out pretty widely right now. A few in Belleville, several in Toronto, one or two left in Kingston, some in Calgary, one who-knows-where in the states, three or four in North Africa, two (+) in East Asia, 2 + a baby I have yet to meet in Shiloh, MB, a few in Montreal & then off to Paris, one in Malawi, and another possibly will be in Israel this summer, another going to Uganda, Malawi, and the Refugee Highway in Greece.

It's kind of cool to know I have friends in all of these places. But it's cooler to know that one of these friends is coming to visit me for a week and I'm picking her up at the VIA Rail station in Ottawa tonight!!

3 things

These past few weeks of saying goodbyes has given me lots of opportunity to share with my friends the things I appreciate about them. Likewise they have often done the same. These sentiments have been interesting to me. The first time it happened I was kind of shocked and a bit offended; the thing my friend liked about me was something I wasn't particularly fond of. As it turns out, this same thing is something a few people like about me. Several people have said the same few things they like about me -- Ally reiterated #2 today in an email when I was asking her to help me make my calling statement for my Vision & Calling presentation that I will be giving over and over and over this summer. So here they are in no particular order, the things people seem to appreciate about me:

1. my bluntness. Although this often is something people hate but love about me. I tell the truth whether they like it or not and usually they don't like it at first and then they get over it and appreciate that i said it. However, this is also something that I can use very stupidly and say things I know I should re-word to be more nice, but in my emotional state I don't. It's definitely an aspect of one of my weaknesses.
2. my honesty. This one confuses me the most. But #1 confuses me too; 90% of the time I don't even know I'm being honest or blunt. Well, honesty is a little bit more obvious when I'm doing it, but I really don't know how to not be honest. This is just a concept I don't understand. I assume Ally was referring to me being particularly honest in my calling statement, but I really don't see what's so abnormal about it.
3. this is the one that is kind of annoying & I don't know what to do with it. People really (apparently) appreciate my sketchy/"twisted" sense of humour. I admit it, I do have a sketchy/twisted sense of humour. When my friend first mentioned he loved that about me, I was replied sarcastically "i'm glad you'll remember my sketchy humour and not my character." It's kind of true, I would rather people think "Wow she has integrity" rather than "Oh. my. goodness. she's so sketchy!" But he pointed out that my character is revealed in how my sketchy humour is limited -- unlike some people he knows who seem to have no boundaries to the things they'll say.

Anyways, in thinking about this it has made me a little bit more comfortable with myself. I just need to make sure I know who can handle it and who cannot. Read: do not make references to Dane Cook's joke about punching babies in front of new mothers. I NEARLY DID THIS ONCE haha. oh man. I'm so dumb sometimes. I just really need to develop a filter of thinking before I speak. Which is why I often say the things I do - I just don't think and then I end up saying things like this (however, I still will not admit or deny that I said that in DG *cough*. But it has been nicknamed "Big Girl DG" for a reason haha. eek).

unexpected & undeserved

kevin (my mom's new husband) came by today @ my dad's to pick up his trailer that we had used to move my stuff from Kingston back here. As he was hooking it up to the SUV I thanked him for helping move me. His reply was something along the lines of "well, you've worked hard all these 4 years, and you deserve it" or something like that. "Someday," he said, "you'll have a good job. You might have to wait awhile, but someday it will all pay off." I knew by his tone that he wasn't making a jab at me joining staff, but I wasn't sure what he meant. I figured he meant "good job" meant "pays well". But then, he said "I've found mine, even though it doesn't pay well, but I have a lot of freedom." 

Ok... so then he's not talking about money. Not really sure what he was referring to then, I said, "Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never have a 'good paying' job, but that's ok." 

And then he said the shocking things. "Well, Jess, there are not many people who would do what you're doing. I'm sure that you will be paid back for the good work you're doing. I don't really know much about how this all works, but God will reward you for this Christian work you're doing." 

I didn't know what to say. 

"And it says something about your character, too. At your age I don't know if I would have done that. I did want to help people but it was still all about me, you know?" 

Again, I didn't know what to say, so I just said a weak "yeah."

It says something about your character. I can't believe Kevin of all people referred to my character. Kevin -- THE person I have waged war against in my heart these last six years; the person I have had more hateful feelings towards, the person I have resented the most. While I have worked through these negative emotions and attitudes and while God has changed my heart about Kevin, I still do not -- and will never -- deserve him speaking about my character in a positive way. 

and then I log on to post this, and this