'You're like a self-cleaning oven...'

So my mom likened me to a self-cleaning oven yesterday. She was telling me how her and my dad drove home from one of my brother's hockey tournaments together, and how they were talking about their respective work and 'kid stuff', about my brothers Jordan and Nick. I was slightly offended and asked, "You didn't talk about me?" And mom replies with a laugh, "Jess, both your father and I are extremely proud of you. You're like a self-cleaning oven, we just had to press start and you raised yourself, or God raised you. I knew that from the start when your first phrase was "I do it self!"

i'm addicted to video blogging

How can I be addicted to vlogging if you have never seen me post anything of the video sort (other than links to funny things on youtube) here? Well, I've been sending videos to Angela in North Africa - 2 20 minute long ridiculous videos to be exact. They're really dumb. In one, I was so bored I gave her a tour of my dad's house. In yesterday's installment I think I talked about my hair quite a bit. Clearly they were thrilling, inspiring, and challenging looks into my inner world. 

I've decided that I'm going to post a video blog up here, but not right now because my little brother's macbook camera is not working. So instead, I'm going to waste your time talking about doing it haha. 

Expect incredible things, people, incredible. 

exciting news

So I made the decision on Wednesday. I sent the email to C4C HR saying I would joyfully accept my position on staff. I know I was thinking otherwise for a little while, but I realized I was being stubborn in not accepting, but also I was feeling really disobedient when I had been seriously considering doing anything else.

I had been having breakfast with a girl at C4C that I had never met up with before. We were supposed to be talking about her being in a DG, but it turned into so much more. At the end of breakfast I walked away thinking about all the incredible experiences God has brought me through and comforted me during when I felt so alone. Now I have the opportunity to do the same to others, to reach out and build into women and get paid for it. I knew as I walked home that this was what I was made to do - to open up, be honest, to challenge and say hard things, and to watch people grow and turn around and do the same with others. So exciting!

And then this morning I was at my home church for the first time in probably more than 6 months. My pastor announced that I would be joining staff and I was so surprised by such a warm welcome from everyone. They were so proud and interested in what I would be doing. It made me feel a lot more comfortable about Ministry Partnership Development (MPD = fundraising), knowing that I was the only full-time missionary the church has pretty much ever raised up, and someone who they've watched grow up for the last 12 years. I'm kind of looking forward to it (although that post is a little outdated in what I was working towards haha).

Thanks to all those people who endured my mind changes every hour it seemed (specific shout outs to Angela & Lydia).

I neeed to think before I speak

so last week i was madly writing this essay that I had only 24 hours to do. I really wanted to express myself in this certain way - i was trying to say something along the lines of 'distributing information' and i knew there was this one word that explained it. So I typed it out, but because I had been in the habit of looking up words I wasn't positive of the meaning - I looked it up.

I had used the word inseminate instead of disseminate. Wouldn't that have been the most embarrassingly awkward thing if I had handed in an essay talking about the 'insemination of health information in rural Africa'? I didn't actually remember what the real word (disseminate) was until I read it in one of my readings yesterday.

there is hope for me yet

So yesterday morning I finished a 24 hour take home essay exam. The question was pretty intense, depressing, and seemingly hopeless. I had to take breaks and read verses from Revelation 21 such as:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (vs 3-5)

Those verses usually serve as a good reminder that this world as we know it, with its pain and hurt and sorrow will pass away and people wont be fleeing the janjawaneed forever. That's such good news.

On a lighter note, some of my friends and I went skating down by city hall last night and it was really fun. I didn't actually bring my skates but went for the company, and it turned out that I got to have some really fantastic conversation with Drew, one of the guys who lives at the Abbey. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk about history and development and politics with people who weren't in my program and therefore had a different perspective, but one that wasn't so extremely opposite as mine. It was interesting, because I found myself less of a crazy-leftist-hippie and gave some respect to the more economically conservative side of things. I think that was a moment of progress for me. He seems to have more opportunity to think about positive things with his degree. I, on the other hand, find myself so often nearly debilitated by what we study because it's never positive. I think the only positive spin we've had on development is my development theory course - and even then we body-slammed neoclassical economics and Adam Smith. Crazy Marxist profs!

dumb things: the week of nov 25-dec 1

So this weekend I've said and done some pretty stupid and embarrassing things. I'll let you in to my really embarrassing and stupid wold. I think I've decided that this is going to be an ongoing series documenting my stupidity for your entertainment.

Thursday night, as I mentioned in my last post, the ST girls were making cookies for the guys. It was supposed to be a surprise, so when I blurted out in excitement at the ST meeting "Ooh! I have the recipes!" and Mathias asks, "What are you making?" I reply with what I think is a covert answer: "Love. We're making love." And then Amanda chimes in equally oblivious to what has been said, "And I'm bringing the music!" haha so awkward and funny. I really need to learn to think before I speak.

Saturday night we stayed at Lydia's, and I got to experience the excitement that is going to the washroom underneath a skylight, which is SO SKETCH by the way. Sarah totally freaked me out and threw pennies at me through this hole in the wall and I thought someone was dropping money on me from the skylight. I was soooo freaked/sketched out, I thought someone was watching me pee. But no one was there. Whew. I realize it's really really dumb to think that money is dropping from a skylight, but who can think rationally when thinking they're being watched whilst relieving themselves?

Early Saturday morning Julia and I were sleeping on Andy and Loni's air mattress at lydia's place and the thing has a bit of a leak. By early morning she and I were struggling not to do the awkward touch-each-other-while-sleeping thing but its really hard at this point because the air is slowly leaving the mattress and we're sinking towards the middle. Half asleep, I kind of realize that this is not worth the struggle and so I roll over and spoon Julia. In the morning she tells me that at the time I had said to her, "Just embrace it." As I became the big spoon. lol man, I should be locked up.

I was just reminded of another stupid moment that I had while reading for a class. One of my readings was called "Clapp: Africa, NGOs, and the Waste Trade" and I thought to myself, "What the heck does an STD have to do with NGOs and the trade of toxic waste?!" And then I realised that "Clapp" wasn't in reference to an STD, but the surname of the author.

conviction!

This weekend was a really wonderful weekend for me. It started Thursday night. As a DG the servant team girls decided to bake Christmas goodies and send them around to some of the guys houses to show our appreciation for them. I really enjoy baking and so it was lots of fun for me. It was probably one of my favourite memories of the semester. Then Friday night at our weekly meeting with C4C, the worship team had 3 violinists, a fiddle, a cello, guitar, piano and Sarah (my housemate) and I sang with Kathryn. It was so fun! Stringed instruments bring such joy to my heart. Then Saturday, Julia, Sarah and I drove to Montreal in the afternoon and went to a Stars concert. Before we got to hang out with Andy and Loni (staff in MTL) and chat with them for a bit, which was really great. Lydia, the girls and I went to the concert and met some other staff in MTL (Heather and Brad) and then enjoyed the concert together. It was soooooooooo good. Like sooooo amazing. I really enjoyed it. It totally made me love their music that much more (and I was already listening to it every day).

Sunday morning Lydia and I went out to breakfast and it was really helpful. She said something to me that didn't really blow my mind that much when she first said it, but as I was thinking about it later on when I was doing my devo, I was like "Wow, this is so true." I'm kind of surprised I didn't think of it earlier because I know its a verse she quotes a lot:

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
(Jeremiah 17:9)

I was convicted by this because I know that I've been listening to my own desires of where I'd like to go in the future. Just because I'm weary and sick of campus ministry right now doesn't mean that God isn't calling me there. So I was convicted about that. I've become stubborn and really not wanting to join staff because I know it will be hard and I'll have to draw on this lesson of endurance that God has been teaching me this semester. So after this conversation with her I'm more back on track to accepting my acceptance, but I probably wont make the decision officially until after Winter Conference. At this point, I imagine I will accept, but I just want to be in a completely normal frame of reference when I do it. Plus, it's just scary to actually make a commitment right now for my future.

winning hearts and minds

"Did you just write History 292 exam?"
I turn to look at the girl who is asking me this and reply, "Yes, I did actually."
"Well, how do you think it went?"
"Um, not so great at all," and I laugh awkwardly thinking about the whole semester, how I hated the class and avoided it, how I skipped many lectures and a lot of the tutorials because they drove me crazy and, incidentally, also didn't do many of the readings.
"I'm sure you did well. Why don't you think you did well?" she asks in this really weird motherly tone and I told her just what I had been thinking about the classes etc.
"Well how do you expect to learn if you never go to class?"
Who is this girl and why is she talking to me again?
"Hmm, well it's actually more that I have a bunch of other more important classes and this one gets shoved to the side a bit," I say trying to remain calm.
"Well, you have to make priorities, don't you."
Indeed. Right now, I want to walk to the library, do something for 45 minutes and get back to class. Please stop talking to me.
"Exactly," I say and reflect on how this conversation is really weird. There's just something about her that's kind of eerie. I keep walking with her mostly because I don't really have a reason to abandon her yet. "So what are you up to?"
"Well, i'm going to the Last Lecture On Earth series. My english professor is giving it. You should come. I think you could really benefit from what he is going to say."
Um, what? At this point, I've been clued in to the fact that this conversation is beyond the ordinary, and beginning to think its some sort of divine appointment.
"Really. What topic is he speaking on?"
"You know, language and speaking. How to break through to the next level, really, you know?"
Space case! This girl is clearly tripping on something.
"Hmm."
I don't really remember where the conversation goes at this point, but I ask her if she's ok and she replies that she isn't really, she's working through some things. She seemed like she didn't really have anyone to talk to about it, so I asked her if she needed to talk. I anticipated an opportunity to share God's love. I didn't anticipate an opportunity to do so by taking a stranger to the Hospital because was so mentally unstable I was concerned to leave her out in public at night.

As our conversation continued she would swing from laughing hysterically to weeping by my feet on her knees. She talked of not seeing colour for 9 years, of travelling the world with her diplomat father and being tired of pretending to be all these things. She talked of going to Greece and saying they had "too much culture. You know, some culture is good, but too much is bad. Theirs was bad. There was so much deception and HATE. There was SO MUCH HATE." and she bursts into anguished tears again. The voices in her head, apparently, were really low pitched and spoke of these lies, this deception and hate. At this point, I was in a hospital room that was being monitored by surveillance.

I really didn't want to be there in that room with her. I really actually wanted to be in my stupid lecture than be there. But at the same time, it was pretty clear no one else had had the love or the sense to bring her to get help, so I stayed until the doctor let me leave. All I know is her first name and the name of a friend that she kept talking about, saying that she "Just needed to push through for her and Sabrina."

I was really disturbed by the events, to my surprise. I got really anxious about it and then when I was walking home just felt really weird, very much like I was being followed. I prayed with my housemates about it, and after we had prayed I felt so much better and free from whatever was bothering me. I did get the opportunity to share the gospel with her, but I'm not sure if she was able to really understand, I don't even know if she'll remember me. But I slipped a Knowing God Personally booklet into her coat pocket. Pray for Margaret.

normaler

So, things are better. Not normal, but better than before. Tonight at the weekly C4C meeting I shared my testimony, in all its awkward-for-the-guys-ness. I was really challenged by God to be completely honest about everything that has happened in my life because he has healed me and changed me. This is how I started it off:

We’ve just heard some pretty amazing stories of how God has been working in these people’s lives. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, especially in the last few weeks. This semester has been so weird for me. Usually I love my program – I’m studying Global Development Studies – as depressing as the program is, I usually enjoy it. But I’ve been here struggling through the semester, hating my classes, wanting my degree to be over and done with, just trying to get through each day. God kept exhorting me to press on, to persevere, to be steadfast. But day after day as I had to force myself to do readings about things that seem like such a waste of my existence (remind me WHY we’re questioning if child prostitution is wrong?); day after day doing things I love like discipling my girls, leading my DG, going to Servant Team meetings, coming here and hanging out with you guys; day after day, wondering when I’d be able to relax, have real fun. In some ways I lived for those hours on Sunday afternoon when Brittany would be discipling me and when I would not have to be a leader, I wouldn’t have to represent C4C, when I could just be me, my totally obnoxious, weird, mom-joke-telling self.

In the last few weeks everything has come to halt and I’ve had to ask myself, why am I doing this again? Why am I going to all ends of my sanity to build into people, to share my life, to make hard decisions, to risk my friendships with people for the sake of the truth, and to see my marks seriously suffer. As I reflected on this I knew exactly why: because God has done a hugely amazing transformative mind-blowing, i-can’t-believe-its-not-butter work in my life.

It's true, though. God has changed me through and through. I was able to talk about sketchy things in my deep past as if it was someone else's story, because in a way it is no longer my story; the old has gone the new has come. This past week, in a way, has been good for me to reflect on how amazing God is, and how good he is to me, no matter what I go through.

this is part of my conclusion:

This is why I go out. This is why I spend my time doing what I do. Because God loves me and he went to extreme lengths to save me in my wretchedness. I go out and risk and sacrifice because I was one of those people, I still am one of those people who needs God so desperately. I go out because I love my God and he has been so good to me. I go out because people need to hear this beautiful news, this story of love, of compassion, of sacrifice, of freedom, of redemption, of mercy, of grace, of joy and life to its full.... I just can’t explain to you in words how good God has been to me and how much I love him. How much his word is so true and I see it working out in my life. It’s why my life verse is 1 Thessalonians 2:8: We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

I have nothing to brag about, except for Christ’s work in me. So I go out knowing only this: that I was so dead in my sin, but now I’m so very alive in Christ.

Hmm, so yeah. God is good to me!

my pride is killing me

I realized this morning I have a lot of healing to do. The Lord gave me his Joy this weekend which covered over my hurt, but I knew that I still had things to process. Now that I've finished my last paper and have a few days mental break to process this stuff, the floodgates have opened.

I got call last night from Marilyn saying I've been accepted to staff. Before you congratulate me, I need to explain to you the reasons I've asked her to put my acceptance on hold. I was honest with her about my recent bout of cynicism, and she said Ginny had mentioned to her about some other issues I was working through earlier in the year. I ended up talking to Marilyn about a lot of the difficulties that we've been having at C4C this year and how I need to process them before I accept. Right now I'm not in the right place to make the decision. In fact, the last few weeks - before I was even in this cynical state - I felt like God was starting to change my direction a bit. I felt like he was showing me that I have more of a heart for francophonie than C4C. He's showing me that I may not know what else to do, but there's this whole other world out there and it will be such an adventure that He'll take me on no matter where I go. I just need to trust.

This morning, I've been thinking about this stuff. I've been crying essentially the whole morning thinking about the things I need to process and do. Praise the Lord for him putting people in my life who can relate, who have solid enough theology to be able to point to me and tell me I'm living a gospel that says Christ's work is insufficient. It IS sufficient. God loves us so much and we can never add to His love by the things we do.

So, in my thinking, crying, processing, I've realized that I do have so many wounds that I've been too proud to deal with. I have so many semesters of debatable self-violence in the name of ministry that I need to be done with. I need some serious gospel truth... it's the only thing that heals me. Praise God for taking care of me though. Without him I'd be surely dead. I know I sound really sketchy and depressed right now. I'm just in it right now (reference to Garden State, anyone?) The Lord is my shepherd and I am not in want. He has taken me to this place, time and time again, but I have been to proud to admit that I need help. I'm admitting that I need help. Marilyn tipped Ginny off to my need to talk, and so Ginny and I are going to have a phone date... probably a very tearful one at that.

So, please pray for me as I process this. I know its really vague, and for some of you I will elaborate if you would like, just email me (Ang & Lyd). This has a lot of implications on the decision I make about my future and so it's actually something I need to take seriously, even if people don't think its serious. As a new friend has told me over and over again this past week, I need to take care of myself.

good idea: riding an elevator. bad idea: the following...

So I was going up to the third floor of Stauffer library today to get a book and I was kind of energetic about it. Alone in the elevator I started jumping. It was an excellent thigh work out until right before the elevator stopped and the gravitational force shifted a bit and it seemed like I was floating for a split second. I freaked out and fell weird on my toes (like ALL my weight on my big toe crumpled under my feet). And then I felt really stupid. I had been, after all, jumping in an elevator by myself with no one else to egg me on.

It just seems so much weirder than my normal iPod elevator dancing. Cause who can really keep dancing to JT singing My Love inside? WHO?

p.s. this post has caused me to start a new tag: i'm stupid and embarrass myself.

(wo)man over board

I don't recall ever being this cynical and bitter in all my days. I feel like I'm at a point of no return, although I know I can. It's not that my love for God has changed, that's still the same. I still love his Word so much. There are just... other things. I don't feel I should necessarily share here because, well, I'm already in a bad place, I can't imagine me letting my emotions flow onto the page is really going to produce uplifting, inspiring, edifying words. I guess I would say I'm suffering from C4C syndrome haha. That's not a very nice thing to call it, but it's all I got. And at a prayer meeting tonight He gave me this:

"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

And this one came to me now: "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:15. It's nice to know He's still taking care of me when I'm a giant loser. I guess that's Romans 5:8 in play: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I love seeing scripture come to life.

on chivalry

Whoever said chivalry is dead might be partly on to something. I think this is one instance where feminism thought it won, but really lost out on something big. I personally enjoy chivalry a lot. I used to think it was kind of stupid because I felt like it was this tactic for men to remind us that they are powerful or something stupid like that. But this week I had a few unusual experiences with chivalry. I have some friends who have guy friends who are pretty hard core about how to treat a Lady, but I can't say that my guy friends have the same views.

This week, I was shocked at my appreciation of this guy who didn't just do the average hold-the-door-sort-of-open-while-you-follow-through-behind-it thing. He walked completely out of the door, stood there holding it open while I walked entirely out of it. I said thanks, but I didn't say it in the way that I really meant it because I didn't realize how much it actually meant to me until after. It made my day!

And then tonight something similarly unusual happened: a guy friend offered to cut a piece of pizza for me. Now, looking back on that (and trying to see this from your perspective, dear reader) that seems pretty bizarre and possibly on the controlling side (I'll have you know he cut it bigger than I wanted, so we can't argue that he was suggesting I should lose weight). I knew his intent was to serve me in a meaningful way and not to take away my agency. It was unusual, but I appreciated it a lot. Who knew such a simple act could be so nice? I think the awkward thing that I just realized is that I'm not treated like 'one of the guys', but at the same time my guy friends don't really treat me like a lady either. So I guess that means we're placed in this weird androgynous purgatory of sorts. Hmm.

update to hot 10

Ok so since posting my hot 10 I've found some other things that I like that I want to share with people. I admit, some of these things may cause you to want to end your friendship with me (if last post wasn't enough), or in other cases (ie, the ppl in texas, north africa, etc.) you wont want to actually begin it in the first place. So here they are:

Last.fm. It's like a smash up between myspace and iPartee and pandora (sort of ). It helps you to find music that is similar to people you like (like stars) etc. Just go look at it.


Don't Forget the Lyrics. It is a show on MuchMoreMusic (and Fox) that essentially glorified Karaoke meets Who Wants to be a Millionaire. You sing along and then fill in the missing lyrics in order to win money. Its funny, its heart breaking, its embarassing, its pathetic, and WTF is with Wayne Brady's hairline??? seriously.

That's it. I think. Until next time. :)

PMS: pre-messiah syndrome

I'm a monster; a total heathen! Every month I forget just how much I'm a terrible person, and then I get PMS and I turn into this ferocious (and veracious - in a bad way) lioness who wants to rip anyone to shreds. I think God puts us women through this just so that we would be humbled on a regular basis, so our heads don't explode with our greatness (cause we're pretty great!). I was just in my kitchen seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeething. The amount of times 'murder' came into my head was a shocking indicator of how mentally sktetchmo I am during this time. It's kind of ridiculous, but this feeling inside isn't fluffy. I think I would probably describe it as 'utter rage' or 'i'm-so-mad-i'll-rip-off-your-face' or something.

So essentially I was there loading the dishwasher sinking further and further into mental unstableness when I realized that I didn't have to be that way. So then I pretty much was just repeating "help me love people, God, help me love people" in order to keep insane rage at bay. It sort of worked. Anyways, could you imagine me withOUT Jesus? I also think perhaps the reason God made men to be natural adventurous warrior types (give or take a little) is so that they can deal with their PSYCHO wives. God help my future husband. He'll need it.

unusual things that happened this week

• I felt more comfortable telling my hijab-wearing muslim friend about what I was doing after school and that I felt God leading me there, than telling my agnostic classmates
• someone emailed us @ C4C and asked us if they could do a documentary on us because they're confused at who we are/what our mandate is.
  
• being so sleep deprived (or just crazy) that I thought I was about to step on a small animal on the sidewalk when really it was just the shadow of a moving leaf.
• I led a seminar that went really well by the grace of God (I really hadn't prepared)
  
• I was asked by a friend to attend the RMC Ball on the 24th of November
• i almost cleaned my room. haha no not really, but its getting gross enough for me to want to!
• I got this weird email from myself (through 43things.com) saying:
  

  Dear future self,
  
  I'm reminding you about your stated goal on 43 things, to
  "get my masters in international development".
  
  How's it going?
  
  Sincerely,
  Your past self
  Your past self

  creepy. If I wasn't so sure of what I'm meant to be doing, this would really throw me for a loop.
  

buy mii a wii

Hot 10!

Here is my response to Lydia's Hot 10. I realized in doing this that I'm significantly less of an obsessive personality than I used to be. 2 years ago Dave Matthews would have been on the top of my list. And Apple Inc (that really hasn't changed)... I've mellowed a bit. So here goes it:

1. stars. They're my favourite band and rock my world. I think I would say this is my favourite album of theirs, Set Yourself on Fire. They're a Canadian (from Montréal) indie band. I would describe them as being up-beat(ish) electronic-driven, indie rock. Check out their myspace to hear more. Heart!!!

2. iPhone. I love anything by apple (pretty much), and haven't come across something that apple has made in the last 5 years that I haven't liked. I own an ibook and now have found myself under a bit of technolust after it. WHY IS IT SO HOT? It seriously makes my heart beat faster. Man I'm so sketchy. But look at it. DROOLFEST 2007.


3. CBC Radio 3. Gloooorious. When I deleted all my unpurchased music, this site kept me sane. I never listen to the radio, because its trash. Not that I listen to much Christian music because... well... I wouldn't say its trash, but I just don't really like any of it that much. Canadian indie is where it's at and that's what CBC Radio 3 is all about. You can make your own playlists and listen to stuff for free, subscribe to podcasts and have free good music!

4. honda civic 2008. Ok, maybe this is totally lame, but I was walking down the street the other day and I saw this car that I thought was really nice. Simple, obviously looked affordable. Honda civic? Whatever, I think its hot.

5. Reformation Study Bible. I just love the intense theological notes in it. I'm not exactly what I would call a 'theological ninja master' (I still can't really believe I said that in my staff interview), so its nice to have as a reference. Plus the typeset is really refreshing.

6. Four O'clock Tea's White Chai. It's basically glorious. It tastes like a mash-up of Chai and Christmas with a kind of Vanilla thing going on. It's not cheap (because its fair-trade and organic), but it is worth all $9 of it. I think you should really go out and track it down and try it. Because it may just change your life.

7. iPartee.com. My classmate's brother & his roommate have started up a rival of facebook that deals more with social events. It's an amazingly designed, well organized site that has profiles that are similar to both myspace/facebook but without the clutter & lameness like all the stupid applications on facebook. Check it out- its especially good for those of you in big cities (cause what really happens in Kingston?). You can rate restaurants and critique them, post concert events etc. To sign up: the betacode is 'tonight'. They want to keep it add-free. So sign up, and get all your friends to too!

8. Gmail. I love Google. I love Gmail and Google Documents. It makes my life so much easier in terms of administration. I just can't believe how some people live in the dark ages and still use hotmail. It kind of makes my heart mourn a bit for them. It's like living life with lobster claws when you could have hands / living a Christian life without the spirit-filled life. Why? WHY do people live life this way?!

9. Boys with Guitars. No, this isn't the name of a band. I'm just stating for the record that when I see cute boys weilding guitars with any sort of skill, and they sing... I'm pretty much can not be held responsible for anything I do or say. This combination just does something to me. I have to stay away from open-mic nights, and sometimes close my eyes in worship for reasons that are not as holy as it would seem (ie, fighting distraction of hotness... cause seriously, boys + guitars + jesus loving? eek)

10. Transformers Movie. I LOVED THIS MOVIE SO MUCH! I can't believe I only saw it once in theatre. Just thinking about it gets me really excited. It was JUST SO AESTHETICALLY PLEASING. And cool. I went with a bunch of guys and was the only girl (as usual), which made it so much fun. Anyways, I was sitting there with my mouth agape, in awe, pretty much the entire time. This picture was one of my favourite scenes. I should buy it.

why development-lovers are so often not God lovers

And people wonder why its hard for me to talk about my faith with my classmates:

"I speak about the Christian religion, and no one need be astonished. The Church in the colonies is the white people's Church, the foreigner's Church. She does not call the native to God's ways but to the ways of the white man, of the master, of the oppressor. And as we know, in this manner many are called and few are chosen." -Franz Fanon, Wretched of the Earth p42

He's known as the author of the 'bible of decolonization' which really is all about how violence is the answer. My mom would disagree; she would always tell my brothers that violence isn't the answer.

congratulations!!

Congrats to Silas and Lydia who have finished their support raising for staff!!!! So exciting. God is cool. FYI, we had been praying that Lydia would finish her fundraising by mid-october (she was praying for this upcoming monday, and I was secretly praying for this Sunday). God is cool. Oh wait I already said that.... oh well, it's still true.


I have this hugeeeeeeeeeeeeee headache today and I'm always tired. I wonder sometimes if there's something medically wrong with me. But Queen's health is always so busy so I'll never get an appointment there!

i'm a giant loser

You know when you're so tired and did something exciting/or are about to do something exciting and you have all this adrenaline in your veins? And when that exciting thing is over you still have adrenaline and you're a bit bored because you've just been, say, studying for awhile and now don't have anything really to do? And you're kind of hyper? That's me right now. Hyper. Glucose. mmm. And now I kind of have performance anxiety because ppl are telling me they're reading my blog (Hi Aban and Selina!) so I feel like I should say something meaningful and not stupid. But most things I say are meaningless or irreverent babble and I probably shouldn't be recording them as evidence if I want to get hired on staff.

I've been having a really hard time keeping focused. I was supposed to spend my only 2 free hours yesterday studying for this midterm i just wrote.... and I may have spent 30-45 of those minutes looking up how to get the new (beautiful) font Calibri that comes with Windows Vista (ugh, i loath the fact that I like something from Microsoft). It's so simple, but so pretty. It doesn't seem that exciting here, but it is so nice on paper. I know its weird. But fonts really are like art. I remember downloading a font pack of 2000 fonts in high school. And feeling excited when I can name the fonts used in billboards or store signs.

And then I napped. But i couldn't not nap, i was so tired. I justified it by telling myself I was 'reviewing the events of Muhammad's life (my midterm was on islam) with my eyes closed' and I WAS... my mind just wandered a bit. and hten i'd have to remind myself 'no no, go back to the hijrah... yeah Medina. ok from there.' And then I saw a book on the shelf in the library about anarchy and I wanted to read it. I didn't. ugh. And then I went on facebook. and then ipartee.com.

Soon to come... my response to Lydia's Hot 10.

fall & homecoming

Fall is here. I know not because the leaves are turning mesmerizing colours and crunching under my feet. I know not because it became crisp and cool all of a sudden; not because its midterm season or homecoming is here. I know because I can feel it in my spirit - it's hovering over kingston. It feels lonely and sick. I am happy; I love fall, but I always forget that it feels like this. I know I'm not crazy cause I mentioned this to my housemate today and she totally understood. I'm dealing ok with things now. I'm managing. Midterms are coming and will probably kick my ass, but I will pass and it will be ok.

It's homecoming weekend and the football game was a lot of fun as per usual. I went despite feelings of guilt, knowing I should be studying. But there's something about the half-time show, with graduates from '37 driving by in golf carts that really gets me! Tonight is the 'famous' Aberdeen street party and when I walked by it at 7:30 it was already covered in cops. It was ridiculous. I've never seen so many officers ever in my life. If I didn't know better, I would think we were being occupied by another country, or something reminiscent of FLQ-styles sketchiness. It's really sad how our student population treats the community and the police. They're trying to keep things safe and we call them pigs. People are stupid.

Happy fall! Don't get SAD.

construction, fall, thanksgiving, and droopy eyelids

This week has been weird. I've gotten over the whole morning-after-syndrome and am now looking to the future with excitement. I've had a lot of opportunities to step outside my own comfort zone, and was faithful to follow through because God is good. I'm actually sitting in a seminar right now, as my prof talks about "invention of tradition" and the "creation of tribalism" in parts of africa. But I'm thinking about the encouraging Servant Team meeting I just had (at 7am!) and thus my droopy eyelids. The leaves are turning and tides are changing here at Queen's. Day by day I'm excited to leave behind me my schooling, and am enjoying the transformation of this campus that is analogous to the construction that is ripping apart our campus. God is good. He is faithful.

I really love fall. Watching the leaves change and as they die they become so beautiful. It reminds me of sanctification. It reminds me of something my dad said to me on the phone when we were discussing my staff interview this weekend. I told him when the staff asked me "What motivates you?" I had totally drawn a blank and ended up replying really stupidly for a lack of anything better to say at the time. His response was, "I know what motivates you. Hypocrisy. You see hypocrisy in people and you want them to be better, you want them to have integrity, and so you're honest with them and encourage them to be better." It's true, although I had never really thought of it like that.

the morning after

I just came back from a weekend retreat called Summit. I laid a lot of things down to God this weekend. Actually, that's not true... I laid down the last thing that I had (at this point at least), which was fear or concern of people's thoughts of me in evangelism (see this post). God is the love of my life. He's the only thing that satisfies me, that keeps me going, and is worthy of my time and energy. But I'm still concerned about how people perceive me. Yesterday I did some rash things because I was afraid to, and this morning I woke up with that feeling..the morning after feeling that is probably (I wouldn't know) comparable to waking up beside someone (ugly too) and thinking "WHAT DID I DO?!" Seriously, what did I do? Nothing bad, of course, but I'm just feeling like this was sooo ridiculous. I remember feeling this way after summit last year, asking myself "why would I commit to that?"

i hate forwards

As the title suggests, I hate forwards. A lot. But my mom still insists on sending them to me. I used to just delete ANY email I got that said "fwd" in the front, even if it seemed like it was actually a real email someone was FWDing me. That learned them quickly to ever send me forwards.

This one is from my mom. It's kind of funny actually. After every one, think about someone actually doing this in real life. It will make you at least giggle.

W ays to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called therapy

sacrifice

Today after one of my classes (actually, my only class on Tuesday) we got to talking about plans for next year. A couple of the girls were mentioning some of the grad schools that they're applying to. As I was walking home I started to feel left out and in some ways kind of mourning the fact that I'm not going through this whole grad-school application process along with them. I'm not going to be able to sit around with them and complain/discuss their application papers that they're writing; I'm not going to be able to be a part of the academic world that they'll be pursuing next year. It makes me sad to think that I'm not going to be reading articles about political drama unfolding against the state in colonial Kenya next year. I'm not going to have that academic prestige that my friends are going to have.

I'm not doubting what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm not saying that I should change my plans just because I want to go to grad school. I want a lot of things, but it doesn't make it good or right for me. I know that I'm following the path that God is leading me on. I guess I'm realizing more and more the sacrifices that I will have to make in joining staff... like getting married. A lot of single women who join staff never get married, or don't get married until a lot later in life. Plus, I'm eventually going to have to tell my peers what I'm doing after school and risk them think I'm some religious colonizer who cares nothing for people's actual well-being and have this western imperialist agenda, rather than it being Christ's love that compels me to do this - cause if it were up to me I'd probably say 'let them live the consequences of the choices they make, even if it is in ignorance of a free life they could be living' and do my own thing @ grad school or wherever. That's going to be scary!

gulp

It's my second week of classes and I just realized I'm 110 pages behind on the readings in one of my classes. Fantastic. Way to start the year well, jess.

And it begins

Today marks the first day of my final year at university. It's so strange to think that I wont be here next fall. My life has been pretty crazy since I finished work and last posted. There was half a week of pre-frosh week organizing, I went on a Servant Team retreat which was fun, and then had an insane week last week doing frosh week stuff. Basically we just spent as much time as we could letting the frosh know that Campus for Christ existed if they wanted to join. We handed out free packages (real life kits) that had a new testament, a book, a pillowcase (?) and a highlighter. Random about the pillow case... We still have a rat and a squirrel that seem to be immune to rat poison. I have a huge stack of over 100 contacts that we gleaned from frosh week sitting on my desk waiting to be followed up on. I went to my only class so far today (AIDS, Power and Poverty) and tidied my living room, and got a bit of my life together this afternoon.

But as I write this I'm so so nervous. I'm so so anxious. I'm looking at this pile of contacts wondering if they'll actually be contacted by the people I've asked to do it. I'm thinking about my classes and wondering if I'll be able to balance my school work and the amount of time I'm going to need to spend discipling women this year. I'm wondering if I'll fail and drop the ball and leave 130 women who have reached out in one way or another to C4C for information, or friendship, or fellowship, or learning. Will I be able to live up to my own expectations for myself? Probably not. I'm not going to be able to do all this. But, what I do know is that God has been answering my prayers like never before (or at least like I never noticed before). And He's going to provide for all of my needs, and for all of the needs of C4C and the women in it.

Being women's ministry coordinator kind of feels like I'd imagine it would feel like being a mom. You pray for your children, you encourage them, teach them, challenge them, rebuke them, and love them. Now try that for ..... 50-80 women. That's pretty crazy! I'm so glad that God cares about all of their needs more than I do. Because I will inevitably drop the ball, and He'll be there to catch it just after I relax my hands.

groooosss

so i come back from Mike and Vicky's wedding (soo exciting) this weekend and being at home for a bit, and find out that what I thought were mice, are actually rats. ratS. plural. I'm so disgusted. I can barely even describe it. Like, when I knew we had mice, that's something I'm kind of used to - having grown up in the country in older houses you just sort of have to deal with it. But rats? i feel so violated!

just me and the mice

I'm a very strange person when I don't have enough sleep. I can't believe that some things from my past can still come back and haunt me (almost literally) when I've dealt with them. I thought I was so over that. Great is the power of darkness, but greater yet is the power of Christ in me.

and then I went to Shoppers Drugmart just so I could be around people.

can I just say that I saw enough rancid old freezer-burnt food and gross mouse poo today than I ever would like to see in my life. I can't believe the state the house is in right now. It's possible that it hasn't had a good cleaning since.... 2003? gross. totally gross

i don't know why you say goodbye, i say hello!

I just sent Angela off in a taxi with all her stuff. She shipped 700 lbs of stuff to Calgary yesterday and now she is officially moved out of Chateau William. I am now alone in my house. My whole house has moved on to bigger and better things, to a new stage of life: to Med school in australia, to marriage, to post-undergrad-to-be-determined-until-she-gets-accepted-into-med-school-next-year, and to a year of ministry in north africa. I remember in January being sad that I'd only have a few more months with these awesome women, but I didn't know then how close I would grow with them. How many inside jokes we would have, how we would pray together, minister together, minister to each other. How we would laugh so much, and fight so little by the grace God provided us. It's so amazing to see how these relationships have formed. This time last year I barely knew Angela and Rachel, even Tanya and Amanda I knew, but not nearly as well as I do now. This time last year I was still in Montreal working and processing project.

This year I've matured in so many ways. I've experienced things I hope no one ever has to experience, I've dealt with problems and seen friends deal with problems that are truly heartbreaking. I've become more considerate in the way I speak, although I still have to go a very long long way before I will no longer hurt people when I open my mouth.

God has opened a new door for me. Starting in two weeks my new housemates will move in. Four more wonderful women of God will begin to share their lives with me and I mine with them. I never thought I would be so nervous. I'm usually so 'whatever, get over it, it'll be just fine.' But I've seen how easily I hurt people, I've seen how much grace it requires to live with me, to be friends with me. I wonder if these women really know what they're getting themselves into. I wonder if they have the grace it will require. I wonder if I am prepared enough for the trials I will face this upcoming year.

I'm so unused to this territory; the ground I walk on is no less steady than any other time, but this time I have less faith and I don't know why. This time, because I have a heightened sense of my own wretchedness, rather than rejoicing in God's strength, sovereignty, and divine love and grace that has and will cover me, this time I have to admit.... eww thinking of what I was just going to write made me realize just how crazy I am. I was going to say 'i have to admit, I wonder if His love, grace, and strength are enough to cover over my mistakes.' Bad Jess! Really, really really bad jess! God's grace is sufficient for me. Always. I will trust that.