be prepared to waste time be entertained

I love the internet. I have been very much enamoured with it since high school. Mostly because I'm nerdy. I like nerdy things. The internet is very nerdy with all its information and geeky videos of chubby teenagers playing with fake light sabers. So here are some things I've enjoyed or thought were interesting from the last few weeks. Some are tremendously funny.

• Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing
• Jim's best pranks from The Office (and here are some of the clips on YouTube)
  
• Viral: Parry Gripp, the Weird Al Yankovic of YouTube
• The Best Music Video Ever
• How to use custom artwork for Genres in iTunes (and a Flickr pool of people's artwork)
• A "double" music video. SO GOOD!
  

hope you enjoy! My favourites are the best music video ever (which is a Weezer video) and the double music video of No Air.

i wont quit, but the tiredness in me wants to

Some of you know that last week I met with a counselor to discuss her opinion on whether I was actually depressed or not. Through a tearful one hour meeting she confirmed my suspicions and uprooted some more lies I had been believing. It was a relief to have my experience labeled as something people more or less understood and are aware of the need to get better.

On bad days I don’t have any desire or care to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV or see no need to be online save to check my email. I don’t feel like reading or anything else. On those days, since my conversation with the counselor, I convince myself to do the things I know will contribute to my future health: have a quiet time, sleep when I’m tired, relax, exercise, talk to friends, do things I enjoy. Other days, I have no problem doing any of these things, the question is which one first.

Since Monday I’ve been pretty decent – like I was before the training days -- but after the bath I had just now I started thinking about how different I’ve been feeling compared to other people.

In the ‘old days’ people used to work to live and just dealt with the long shifts. They would go to work day after day in order to put food on the table for their families. Now, we see jobs as something we should enjoy, something we should love and look forward to, not just a means to an end. Some people have the determination to get through the tough days because there are so many things they enjoy about their job. Right now, that’s not me. Right now, my thinking is pretty sad actually (at least I recognize it!). I know I love my job under normal circumstances, but MPD isn’t exactly what I signed up for.

The thought that I will have to continue to do MPD makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It’s been a war of attrition and clearly I’m not winning. I know I will go back into it because I have to in order to get to the part of my job I love so much. But I’m just so tired. So very very tired in my soul.

let it rain

I heard this song on Sunday. I really like it. The song is "Waiting for the Rain" by Misty Edwards. You can find it on iTunes here.

post script

Some of you have been responding to my last post by email & text message offering words of encouragement etc. I really appreciate that.

Tonight I had a really good conversation with another staff member that was so encouraging, so enlightening. He shared some of the difficult things he found with the two times he did MPD, which was so true of my experience as well. I can't explain to you how important it is to hear about other people's experiences. It qualifies your own and shows you that you're not alone. Somehow knowing that other people have experienced things like mine makes it not as bad.

He also pointed out one of my big sins: fear of man. This is huge. Being able to put my finger on it, and address this is so key for me in being able to put my sin to death. He gave me practical advice on HOW to put it to death and encouragement that it's possible to kill it.

I realized, again, how greatly lies affect me. I uncovered a big big big (embarassing to think I believed it) lie that has been plaguing me about stepping down from women's ministry. I wont go into it right now .... it's pretty absurd, but it's also related to my fear of man. Basically, I realized that satan had convinced me that I was experiencing something that was actually imposisble -- that I was shamed in the act of stepping down from women's min .... when in reality a) that's not possible and b) so many people told me that they didn't htink differently about me after i did it. This is kind of a breakthrough moment for me in that I've been really trying to comprehend how satan can convince us SO thorroughly of things that are not true, that hold no water. For example, that we're slaves to sin, when really Christ has freed us from that bondage. Yet we behave as if we are not free. This has been a huge thing to wrestle through in my mind the last 2 months.

I think finally I have come into an understanding of this issue through experiencing it. God has taken of my blinders to the ways in which satan had been entangling me, which is actually an answer to a prayer i had prayed earlier today in one of my training sessions.

pensées

I've been startled to realize that even here at staff training I'm not happy. I love being surrounded by some of my favourite people, so many wise, experienced Christians who I look up to so much. But I'm not happy.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. I don't have a reason to complain, either. MPD is what it is. My life is what it is, I've accepted that. But I'm not really doing well. I'm not really loving life, nor enjoying it. I guess I'm kind of numb and I don't know why.

I was really expecting to come to this training and be really encouraged by nature of being around so many people with a shared passion for the Lord and vision for the nations, but in all honesty.... it's not really all that special.

I think I've been looking to other things to make me happy.... coming to this training, being at Winter Conference, going to Montreal. I've struggled to enjoy God. I've struggled to do anything, really.

The most concerning thing, though, is not that I'm unhappy and not that this training week isn't all that I had anticipated (yet), but my interaction with people. When they ask how I'm doing, or whenever I get into a conversation about my life as it is now - I'm constantly on the verge of tears. At home, it's easy not to think about the reality of my situation. It's just like Pascal says in his Pensées: we keep ourselves busy so that we don't have to address the issue of our deep loneliness or confusion about our place in the world. Take away the busyness and people realize their need for God. Similarly, I guess until this week I've been able to kind of distract myself from the fact that I'm not ok. I'm not feeling normal. I'm not the person I was even this spring, that I enjoyed being.

It's made me wonder... maybe I am a little tiny bit depressed.

I'm going to nap now before supper. I don't want my dinner conversation to make me cry

be less boring (2)

so I've made the mockup of what I want my new layout to look like. I was about to upload it, when I realized that much of the Blogger code has changed since I last edited blog code (it has been 6 years, after all). So now I have to teach myself the new stuff and translate the old code into new code. stupid blogger widget system.

so the change might take much longer than originally anticipated. such is life.

bye bye Athena

Many of you know my old computer, Athena, died. She didn't quite bite the dust like so many computers do, but after being dropped and me tripping over the power cord and completely mangling it beyond (what I believed to be) repair, I got a new one. I knew that once the battery died, I wouldn't be able to recharge her. She was on her last leg anyways, the hard drive was practically dead.

My mom's husband Kevin wanted to see if he could fix her so he could fiddle around on her. He's never experienced a mac before. So I begrudgingly brought it to him, hoping he would get electrocuted and cease all efforts. I didn't want him to fix it because then I'd feel bad about getting a new computer, even though I knew the hard drive could go at any moment.

He fixed her, and after me spending a good chunk of time deleting all my files, erasing my histories and password keychain files, I handed her over to him.

It's so sad, I can't believe I'm almost crying! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that its midnight and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Do you know the HOURS I've spent with Athena these last three years? Probably more than with real people. She came with me practically everywhere and in a lot of ways became part of my identity. Ask anyone who was at Queen's with me: I spent my two years with my laptop in Mac-Corry Caf eating pizza either surfing academic journals or the Resources Wiki.

It actually feels very violating to know that his fingers are on her keyboard. It's not just that it's him, it's that she's my baby in someone elses arms. It feels like all my files are still there for him to see. Technically they still are on the disc until they're re-written, but I know he's not going to try to access them.

It just feels so wrong. I'm going to try and think up an excuse to get her back just so I can have peace of mind.

I know this makes me sound totally insane. But at least I know Angela understands!

and cue "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Greenday.

be less boring

I'm redesigning my blog in my head right now. In high school I would change my blog template pretty much every two weeks with my very limited CSS knowledge. I recently stumbled upon (sort of) my old blog from gr 12-2nd year uni and I rather enjoyed the template. I will revive it, I have decided, since mine is oh-so-boring. I just need to download GIMP and change the header.

I'm excited! I haven't touched a photoshop-like application in awhile. I miss my high school days of having nothing to do but play with photoshop for hourrrrrrrs.

a good day.

I like feeling like I've actually made a decent go at things. I like to feel like I have accomplished something.

I think that's why I actually miss staying up really late, pumping myself full of caffeine, and writing an essay in a 5 hour go. Srsly.

yet loved, accepted & adopted

"...but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time." -Tim Keller

Considering what I wrote yesterday, God's grace is even more impossible to understand. In fact, it seems easier to reject - in some twisted way - because we are so hard-wired to want to work for things. I guess that's the pride our parent's instilled in us.

Keller goes on to write,

This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin.

It's so true. But one aspect that I'm now really struggling to work with is the implication of grace on my work ethic. If I don't have to earn favour my instinct is to become lazy. University taught me to do as little as possible to get by so I can do other things.

This also creates a radical new dynamic for discipline and obedience. First, the knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit we are flawed because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Second, it makes the law of God a thing of beauty instead of a burden. We can use it to delight and imitate the one who has saved us rather than to get his attention or procure his favor. We now run the race “for the joy that is set before us” rather than “for the fear that comes behind us.

Something I need to think about a lot. May this sink into the depths of my heart!

(The quotations come from Keller's study Galatians: Living in Line with the Truth of the Gospel)

wicked, vile, base, corrupt, monstrous, reprehensible, iniquitous

"we are more wicked than we ever dared believe..." Tim Keller

The truth of this statement has become a reality for me these past few months. I had heard this statement last from a friend and I knew its truth then. But now, it has become even more real to me. It has become so clear as I have had a better view of my own depravity. Most of us, when we hear this statement, agree with it intellectually knowing that we are all sinners according to Romans.

But before MPD I don't think I really truly had come to terms with my OWN depravity. I knew that other people were murderers and rapists and global conspirators and by definition my sin was equal to theirs. That made me really bad. But I don't think I really felt the weight of my deeds. It was more guilt by association. We all sinned in Adam, therefore I am a sinner.

However, now I know my depravity. I wrestle with it daily, hourly, on a moment-by-moment basis. I usually lose, to be quite honest. It has been the most humiliating, awful experience as I come to see my soul in a way I never thought possible.

Before MPD, this statement was more like a public service announcement to me. Like "FYI, you suck even though you don't really think you do." But it has moved from being a television PSA to something I have experienced. I know understand Romans 7 in a way I hoped I never would.

I now know the hard truth about my ongoing war against my flesh, and yet it's worse than I can even comprehend.

Oh, how pround I have been in ways I did not know.

i'm clearly not in my own drivers seat

This morning at 8:30AM I found myself in the lobby of a caltholic highschool in Perth, a town 1.5 hours away from my hometown. It has been a year (minus 20 days) since Margaret's and my life collided in a most unusual way. This morning she was going to publicly talk about her experience and invited me to come. I really wanted to hear how she was doing and support her healing process so I actually got up at 6:30 so I could arrive on time.

She hugged me and thanked me profusely for coming and said that I was encouraged to share my perspective of her behaviour as well as how I felt and why I took her to the hospital instead of ignoring the seirous signs she was displaying like everyone else did. When she got infront of this class of students for this mental health awareness day, I was shocked by the things she was telling them. The last time I saw her she was psychotic. She was admitted into the mental health hospital where she was literally locked up because she was becoming violent with people. She admitted to the class that that night she believed she had committed suicide and was trying to travel to heaven. She believed that the exam we were writing had a different component for her that involved her running down busy streets through traffic lights. She admited that her psychosis was pot-induced, over a period of time it started with her just being paranoid when smoking up and then ended up in her mind breaking.

I stood up and shared about my perspective and the things that were going through my mind when Margaret was shouting at me, weeping on me, and nearly hitting me. I admitted that I was concerned what people were thinking of us, and part of me wanted to tell them I didn't actually know her -- that she was a complete stranger. I encouraged the students to break past the social norm of ignoring people in distress and being concerned with our outward appearance to our peers. I encouraged them to have the courage to intervene in the lives of their friends as they show signs of eating disorders, cutting, addiction and to tell someone they trust.

Margaret's mom also got up and spoke about how shocked she was that all of Margaret's housemates didn't tell anyone about Margaret's weird behaviour that she had been displaying for days prior. She explained how shocked she was that when Margaret didn't return to school in January or the following September that none of them called to see what was up. Yet, a total stranger had intervened and been following her up. I, too, was shocked by this. I had no idea the situation I was in when I was in it. I shared honestly that I was SO close to leaving her because of her weird behaviour. Had it not been the still small voice of God telling me it was a divine appointment, I would have peaced out. I wanted to. So bad. I'm so glad I didn't a) because that would have been disobedient and b) Margaret's mom is very adamant about the fact that I saved her daughter's life that night. I think can all agree that God get's credit for that one!

I'm still kind of reeling over the complete lack of compassion the people in her life had for her. And now she's paying the consequences. Her housemates let her get to the point where she COMPLETELY lost it. Nov 26 I admitted her to the hospital and she was still having episodes until February. She is still recovering. It will be a long hard road to being "normal" but she has hope. Her family and doctors are quite sure she can make a full recovery if she gets the help she needs.

As we sat in Tim Horton's after we all spoke, I shared with her how proud I was that she was taking this awful experience and sharing it with others. I also reminded her how she can take solace in God's Sovereignty. That I believe God is totally sovereign and even though it's SO HARD to accept and to hear, that he may have allowed this in order to prepare her for better things He had in store. But the most important thing to realize was that God works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.

I reminded her the story of Joseph and how his brothers sold him into slavery, and God used it for the saving of many lives. I told her she needed to stop going through all the "what ifs" in her mind and start facing forward. I shared briefly about another friend I had who went through a similar experience, but she's made a full recovery less than a year later through the Christian counselling she went through. As I explained the difference between Christian counselling and secular counselling -- using the truth of scripture to deal with the problems etc. She seemed to think that was a really good idea and wants to look into the possibility. I know they believe in God but I'm not really sure if they have a personal relationship. Please be in prayer for Margaret and her family as she continues to pick up the pieces and understand why it is that she isn't able to go back to school and graduate with her class. Pray, too, for me as I continue to keep in touch with her and encourage her through this difficult period of her life.

I also got to share about what I'm doing in Montreal and she said she'd think about people who she can tell about what I'm doing. Cool!

I concede

This morning I realized a lot of things about the last few months. As I previously blogged about last week, things seem to be finally changing for me. After a phone call from an older, wiser, MDiv toting fellow staff member last night I feel a lot different about my MPD.

I realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. A lot of people go through varying levels of lonliness & depression as MPD drags on and many succumb to the barrage of lies winnowing in to their mind as I have. This doesn't make me any less of a person, any less spiritual either. Some don't experience these things and that is OK. He reminded me of God's sovereignty in all this, too. That God is even permitting these ridiculous dreams that I've been having these past few years, but God has offered me a way to stand up under this pressure.

I have been weary in doing good; I've been weary in doing anything, really. In my heart, as the date that I've been praying to be on campus approaches, I have been struggling against God.

I am a defiant person. I am stubborn. I will speak my mind even if everyone is telling me to shut up. In my heart I have been the child in a tantrum and God has been the gentle, patient mother trying to dress me as I flail about. I have been the argumentative, nagging, know-it-all wife who drives her husband crazy and every day he has to push away the thought of leaving her. I am the farthest thing from a woman who has a gentle & quiet/meek & tranquil spirit.

Last night John McCain said something that really struck me in his concession speech. He said "I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president." How incredibly humble and gracious that he would sumbit to the leadership of the one he had laboured so hard against.

This morning I realized that I had been treating God as my opponent and not my Lord.

I've decided to stop exerting so much energy in resisting what will come to pass no matter whether I like it or not. I should gratefully accept the Lord's will for my life, even if it is with a tear-stained face because I can hope in the knowledge that MPD will end and one day I will be in Montreal. One day I will be able to use all of these things I'm learning to His praise & His glory.

It feels sooo good.

today's finds

I like information. A lot. My Birkman says I'm a knowledge bank, if perhaps only a mediocre one. Therefore I surf the net and absorb lots of info. Here are some things I've picked up in the last few days:

Random Things

• 40 Beautiful Free Icon Sets by Six Revisions
• Flock browser. If you're into social networking sites like Facebook, Flickr, Digg, StumbleUpon, twitter, del.icio.us etc. you'll find this browser has everything you need built right in. It's pretty awesome.
  
• November is the month where thousands of people finally write a novel. With NationalNovelWritingMonth (NaNoWriMo). The goal is to write a book of 50, 000+ words. Quantity, not quality is key. You've only lost 3 days so you still have time to start. It's REALLY FUN. I did it in first year. It was one of the most insane things I've ever done, but it was incredibly rewarding. How many people can say they've written a book? Seriously, DO IT once in your life. 
• As flu/sickness season approaches, better start strengthening your immune system. Here are 6 Steps on how to do it.
  

News

• Today is Cliché Day. Check out clichésite.com for some of the best. Actually... that's a terrible site. It just lists phrases or idioms, not really clichés.
  
• Rogers/Fido may be dropping system access fees! 

Really Obscure/Weird

• eMANcipate's pantyhose design of the week? Men wearing pantyhose.... it's not even tranny-like either. what is going on??

And to commemorate the last 8 years of the Bush regime here is a link to the 10 biggest Anti-Bush songs.

divergently

I love this font. It's glorious. It's like an edgy script with a medieval twist.

Sadly, it's not something you could use very regularly. But still.... I can look and enjoy!

this is why I like craigslist missed connections

cause people write stuff like this:

You served me tea and wine and you left me speechless, so I didn't have much to say. But now that I'm home and the spell is slowly starting to wear off, I can take the time to thank you for burning an image in my head of the smile you gave me when we said goodbye. 

You define beauty.

let's go for a walk!

I like where my dad lives. While it is isolated, and the dial-up internet/lack of cell reception is very frustrating, it has perks. When I go for my morning walk up the hill here are some of the sights I see. I wish the wonderful smell of fall could be shared along with the photos. 

just above the middle of the picture you can see the river that I live by (the Ottawa) and on the other side, Quebec

Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

This morning I finally woke up from a 2 and a half month sleep. 

I have been so lethargic, so lazy, so selfish, so unresponsive. I have not been myself, which is in some ways understandable because I'm not used to living here with my friends far away. But I think the most upsetting is that I haven't been excited to go to Montreal and be on campus. I haven't been AS passionate as I usually am. When I do my presentation, I'm always very animated and it's very evident that I care deeply about this -- I've been told that many times by people I meet with. Some have even changed their minds about supporting me because they see how much I care. 

But I haven't cared as much as usual. Last year, going to Montreal and "reaching" quebec was all I could think about. I'd think about it in class, during my QTs, in church, as I was walking to campus, when I was supposed to be writing my papers - or I would try and make a paper missions or something which never actually worked. It was seriously all I could think about. 

Lately, all I can think about is of selfish motivation. Aside from the few times I've fasted because my support coach highly recommended it, I've really not done any dying to self. This summer I've come into an understanding of the harsh truth of who Jessica really is apart from Christ. My pride has been crushed and I was not doing a good job of putting on my new self, and remembering that I'm clothed in Christ's righteousness. Yesterday, after a concerning dream I realized that I have not been fighting the good fight. In fact, I've really just kind of slunk off into the sidelines and been wondering why the heck my team isn't gaining ground. 

Since when have I been so passive? Since when have I not stuck my heels in the ground, set my jaw and gone for what was in front of me? Well.... I guess I have done that. But what was in front of me was not really the end goal, it was some distraction like Jon & Kate + 8 or Digg or something. 

When I woke up this morning, after another weird dream, things were somehow different. My false-hopelessness was gone, my dry heart felt inspired, the cloud of whatever-it-was had lifted. 

It's business time! (just not this kind!)

quote of the day

This quote easily beats out the pot quote. I asked my friend why she wanted to go to India for missions and she replies:

"cuz it's full of hindus and muslims and sikhs!! and saris and food! and like, oppressed people."

My friends are hilarious!

bitter

proceeding from or exhibiting great hostility or animosity.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this here before but this summer I've been slowly trying to work through my issues that have developed over my feelings and attitudes towards social justice and the concept of "development." I don't even know how to really explain it, but while I was doing my degree I just got really frustrated, bitter and cynical about it all. It's hard to believe that I'm the same hopeful person that went into the program. Well, I guess I'm not really the same person. 

It's not that I don't have hope, either. I have lots of hope. Jesus brings so much hope. However, I have to admit that I do have this desperate belief that there is absolutely no hope except for Him. I never used to think this way, and even though I'm sure it's probably the right perspective, it's still kind of depressing to have lost all hope in a humanity that rejects Christ. I know non-Christians do good things and are "good people". But ultimately, when you come face to face with the darkness of the human heart, you too would come to the same conclusion that I have. 

But here's my problem: I've kind of pushed away all these solutions to effect change -- I've pushed away everything but evangelism, discipleship and the local church. I know that there's something wrong with my attitude about it because I don't know what my opinion is on a lot of the issues. I know there's something wrong because I've pushed it away and opted to not deal with it. I know there's something wrong because because I really can't put my finger on what exactly the Bible has to say about all of these things. 

I know God loves social justice and it's close to His heart. That is very clear to me. It's the whole reason why I got into development in the first place. I've grown up around redemption and rehabilitation and second chances and hope. But there's something about the trendiness of social justice right now -- the connection between the emergent church and replacing the gospel with "jesus came only as an example and this is the good news" that really really gets my guard up. 

The reason I'm bringing this all up is because my calling to C4C staff is directly related to these issues and my confusion over everything is evident (at least to me) every time I do my presentation with someone. It's evident in how I explain myself; I have a hard time because I don't really know my own opinions on it. I don't really know my own place in it all. Why did I take this degree and am now in C4C? 

On my drive back home from Toronto I listened to a couple sermons by Tim Keller that also reminded me of this. One was on Justice. It was good. I agreed. It made me excited, even. 

Hmm, I'm sure this post is pretty confusing too. I haven't really explained myself because I'm still working through it all. I don't know if this is all because of my anti-conformist tendencies or simply because I was exposed to a pretty disturbing combination of desperation and cynicism in my program. 

Like I said before, I have been actively working through this. But after this last appointment, I think I'm going to take it more seriously because my uncertainty has been haunting me, taunting me. 

quote of the day

"Your mother killed my marijuana plant!" - Kevin, my mom's new(ish) husband. 

The sentence that countless children hear in this town. I never thought I would be one of them! I used to be horrified and saddened by this, and now it doesn't even bother me! Actually, I think it's kind of funny. My former-pastor's-wife-mother's second husband grows pot. To be fair, it's one tiny little plant.... although it is a female, so they are normally in high demand (because female plants produce enough THC for drug production. See here). 

Anyways there's your drug lesson for the day from your favourite missionary. haha. right. please note the disclaimer to your left :) 

I don't even know what to tag this post as. Humour? anti-sanctification? rant? 

awkward MPD moments

So I just called a supporter, hoping to ask them if they would be willing to coordinate a group MPD appointment by inviting people from her church that she thinks would be interested as well as setting up the event etc. Unfortunately she was not there so I left a message. For those of you who have experienced a voicemail message from me will know that I suck at them. This one was not long-winded, but just.... awkward:

"Hi Esther, this is JW and I'm calling with a favour or proposition to ask of you...." I pause and think of the meaning of 'to proposition someone' and then laugh and correct myself, "Er.. not a proposition, that's awkward. Anyways, ___ is my number and I'll try again another time." As I hung up the phone I was beet red. I looked up the meaning of "proposition" to find that it does have multiple meanings; my instincts were right and in correcting myself I had made a bigger fool of myself than had I just left it. Awesome. I knew I should have stuck to the script. 

The Office

The season premier of the office a couple weeks ago had one of my favourite lines that I've heard in quite awhile. It's probably a reflection of how awful my humour is. When Temp guy says to what's-her-face that he used to date: "I'm really sorry for how I treated you, you know... I still haven't processed 9/11." 

Favourite Office quotes from this week:

- random mention of cookie monster singing Chocolate Rain haha.

- Michael to Dwight: "You are the thief of JOY"

- Miachael: "HOw do you tell someone you care about deeply 'I told you so'?"

- Michael: "If you're not in the conference room in 1 minute I'm going to kill you!"

...

1. Being feminine and the things we wear that define us from the opposite sex & how it's easy for me to opt out of femininity out of concern (read: paranoia/guilt) for being too flashy/bad steward of money
   
2. My weeks start really good, really positive, and then often end really poorly in discouragement
   
3. I've been getting frustrated really easily and then feel flares of anger inside, kind of like a volcano bubbling up. Good thing I'm alone a lot.
   
4. people say that with the internet etc. there is significantly less engagement in civil society, which I'm sure is true, but I have to admit that I had lots of fun microblogging the debate with a bunch of other people. 
5. I really like Pepsi & the Fringe
6. I've always been very strong in my voting opinions. I don't often talk about who I vote for during elections cause my choice is highly unpopular amongst Christians. Today, for a moment, I considered perhaps voting for someone different. Not because my political convictions have changed. In my riding voting for who I do is considered a "throw away vote" and there are those that I do not want to be voted in. I usually don't vote strategically like that, I just stick to my guns and that way I can have a conscience. We'll see what goes down in a week. 

You can all blame Angela G

Last summer Angela and I were joking around, probably making some
comments about the "Queen's girls" (anyone who has spent any length of
time there will know what were talking about). I can't really remember
any of the details of the conversation because I was so horrified by
what she said next: "jess, let's bring back the stirrup legging like
we wore when we were in grade 2!!" she said with great excitement.
"for the love of everything Holy and sacrednon this world NO! LET'S NOT!

Looks like she didn't listen:

autumn is the colour of joy

Today was a new day. A good day. Yesterday I started a Beth Moore study on Galatians/fruit of the Spirit called Living Beyond Yourself. So far, I've done 1 week's worth of studies in two days. It's been a good two days. 

Yesterday I made Turkey Soup while listening to A Rebel's Guide to Joy in Loneliness again. It was an odd day and I yo-yoed between being happy & content and moments of loneliness.  Since my last post about it, I have felt really supported by people. Knowing that the Montreal Metro team is praying for me is a huge comfort. (Ha! I just teared up. I didn't even realize it meant so much to me until I just typed it and got all teary-eyed).

Even though yesterday was peppered with loneliness I have to admit that this season is a good one. I mean that in both senses of the word. I love fall and I will continue to declare my love for it! It keeps me in good spirits because I love the temperature, I love the colours of the leaves, the smell of the air, the fact that I can see way more stars at night; it's so great! I also mean it in terms of this season of life. Today as I was journaling in my backyard down by the water, reflecting on some things it occurred to me that I will likely look back on this time in my life and be very grateful for it, just as I know other people have said upon completing their MPD. Long obedience in the same direction. 

Isaiah was kind of smart

Several months ago I had a conversation with Lydia in which she told me that unless I was sure I was "called" to join staff with C4C, I wouldn't make it through MPD.

She was right. 

Today I was perusing Facebook and found out that one of my floor-mates from residence in first year is now attending Yale for grad school. This added to the pang of jealousy I felt when I found out two of my classmates are now at Oxford for grad school. Yale! Oxford! 

Being so tired of MPD, it's easy to wish that I had spent less time at C4C during my undergrad and more time on my studies; it's easy to wish that I had made the time to actually have a decent average, not an embarrassingly poor one; it's easy to wish I had gone on to something prestigious and intellectual, too. 

If I didn't know that I was meant to go to Montreal, I'd probably be seriously thinking about giving up right now.... and I haven't even been doing MPD for all that long. It's pretty embarrassing (and sad) that my heart is so quick to want to jump ship. 

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you. 

Isaiah 26:3

"loans that change lives"

I'm not sure how much the average person knows about microcredit opportunities in the developing world, but maybe by the end of this post you'll know a bit more. This morning I got an email from a friend & supporter who gave me a gift certificate to Kiva. I had never heard about it before, but it turns out it's one of the cooles things I've heard of in awhile.

Microcredit is an opportunity for people in developing countries to get loans to start small businesses that will give them a basic income. Usually it's a big organization, bank, or corporation that is involved in loaning the money. Kiva does things differently. Through this website, the average person can give $25, $50, or however much they want to which ever project they wish. The reason I like this so much is because someone like me who probably will never make a boatload of money can still make a difference. If all of the people who regularly read this site gave $25 it could change the course of a couple people's lives. It's also less risky for the person giving the loan because it's not a big deal for me to lend $25 and not get it back. Kiva claims that 97% of people pay back their loans. When you get your $25 back, you can give it to someone else. It's also cool because it basically removes the middle-man. Your money goes almost directly to the individual.

I think another reason why I really like it is that it isn't a hand out. We talked a lot about how "progress" is so much more likely in a developing area if the people take ownership of whatever they're doing, rather than it just being given to them. It's like me raising my support. If Power to Change just paid me, it would be easier for me to quit during difficult times. But as I'm raising my support and pushing through difficult times (like now), I know that getting on campus will be something I've worked hard for and will appreciate more, just like I'll appreciate my supporters more.

I also have been thinking a lot about what is a Biblical perspective on compassion ministries. I've been taught a lot of stuff in my degree but I want to know if any of it aligns with God's heart on the topic. In the book of Ruth we see that through the Law God gave provision to take care of the impoverished during the harvest. Boaz tells his workers to leave some grain un-gleaned (that can't be a word) in order to let those who are poor to have something to eat, as the Law declared. Ruth had to work for her sustenance, like anyone else -- but Boaz made that possible by not taking it all for himself. This is kind of what micro-credit is. I don't spend all my own money, i lend it to someone who can make something of it and make a life for themselves and they pay me back & I can give it somewhere else.

Now...... all we need is Power to Change/Gain to start a similar peer-to-peer microcredit agency that incorporates opportunities to share Christ with these new business owners, and we're golden!

graveyard of relevance

I found this website that makes fun of christian attempts at being relevant to the generation. Here are a few of my favourite examples:

gotta love Focus on the Family





yiiiikes.



gaahahaa.

semi-colon

This weekend I went away to a ladies retreat with my church. I knew that it wasn't exactly going to be the highlight of my year, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know the ladies in my church - some already supporters and some hopefully will support me in the future. The speaker talked about Ruth and took an interesting perspective of it for the second session. She talked a lot about how Ruth must have felt moving from Moab to Israel, not knowing anyone including the customs & law etc. She pointed out how we often single people out who don't quite fit the mold and don't let them into our group of friends, how we're not welcoming etc. 

It was a really timely talk for me because I was feeling especially lonely. The past 4 years I've been fine with being away from my community & fellowship for four months, but come September I'm back into the community in full force. This year September arrived and while I go to church every sunday, there still is no community there for me. I'm the only one who's in my stage of life, and I don't even know how long I'll be staying for. I've never fit in here and I want out! 

This weekend it was particularly obvious to me how much I miss my community of friends. For the first time in four years I was the person who didn't have anyone to turn to to chat with. I found myself lingering by the book sale table (even though I have a huge stack of books I have to read, and honestly do not want to add another book to it) simply because everyone was engaged in conversation with each other and there was no room for me to sneak in. So I read and re-read what seemed like every jacket of every book. 

I'm really lonely. While I have been talking to my girls regularly, it's not the same as studying the Bible together & hanging out and being silly. 

I know that when I move to Montreal it's going to be a lot of the same thing I'm going through right now. I wont fit in right away, I wont always know what everyone is saying, I will need to adjust to a new church, culture etc. But, I know eventually in Montreal I will fit in. I know I'll make friends, be a part of a church, and eventually it will become my home. It has never felt really like home here. I've lived here for 14 years and I've never fit in, I've never really felt like I belonged, and I really just want to move on to the next stage of my life, and get out of this awful liminal purgatory. 

It's quite encouraging that Ruth did eventually integrate into the Hebrew culture. Even though she began as an outsider in a culture where true heritage was so important, she would come to be the great-grandmother of King David and from this same lineage Jesus would come. 

I have decided

I have decided, I have resolved

To wait upon you Lord.

My rock & redeemer, sheild & reward.

I wait upon you Lord.

step on crunchy leaves with me

I seriously love fall. Love love LOVE fall. I love the colours of the leaves and the crisp cool air. I love that it's not bitter cold but it's cold enough to require a thin jacket or, in my case, mittens. I love that the coolness enables me to better appreciate soup and tea. While it doesn't apply to me right now but hopefully in the future will: I also like to snuggle.  

I love when children play in the fallen leaves. I love the colour of the setting sun at 6pm when its amber rays fall on old buildings (like Queen's!). I really love listening to Arcade Fire's album Funeral while walking at 6pm, enjoying the scenery. 

You know what else I love? This has nothing to do with fall and more to do with my current anti-social behaviours resulting from significantly lowered/no social interaction right now: craigslist missed connections. While some of them are a too lust-based & sketch for my liking, I mostly just enjoy the idea. People have a moment, its nice, it passes & wonder if it could be more. It's neat to see how people describe said moment. 

attitude check (PTL!)

These last two weeks have done wonders for my MPD attitude. You may not recognize this from what you've read in the last little while. Sure, I've had my moments where I've txted people and vented about how I hate MPD. Mostly, I just dislike calling people because I have tended to dwell on vain thoughts.

Aside from that, I'm feeling the most hopeful, the most optimistic, the most motivated I've felt in months. I think my support coach notices it the most. It's hard to explain because it isn't even just a mental/intellectual change, it's a holistic change. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel different. 

It's kind of crazy to think how differently I look at things now. Two weeks ago I looked at the 56% left I had to raise and felt like it was impossible. Now, I look at the 56% and realize that it's only slightly more than I've already raised. 

All around I feel way more confident and assured and ready to hit the road and as they say here in the Ottawa Valley, "git 'er dun". 

hmm

Yesterday, I realized that I had not prayed with another individual since staff conference (6 weeks ago) and haven't prayed with someone about personal items since April. It also occurred to me that I haven't studied the Bible with someone since the beginning of April. It's about time for some fellowship. Now the task is to find some!

this week in a nutshell

Relieved I don't have to do more classes. Sad I'm missing another Queen's frosh week, and missing the bustle & excitement of september on campus. Adjusting to some friends going overseas. Hoping/praying my MPD will pick-up. Frustrated no one seems to be home. Grateful I'm at 40%. Looking forward to, even if intimidated by moving to MTL eventually. So excited to visit Kingston again. Thankful for my friends & a good long distance plan. Realizing I haven't completely dealt with everything that went down last year on campus. Mourning the direction in which some of my friends are choosing to walk. Anticipating God answering my prayers. 

This week has been full of different emotions. 

best sellers

I was in the grocery store last week and I noticed that the only Christian books on the shelves were pretty bad representatives of the faith (save The Purpose Driven Life). On Sunday I was in Westboro in Ottawa and my dad stopped in the Superstore to grab a card for someone. 

As I browsed the books I quickly became quite distraught as I saw the titles. I took this picture with my phone because I just thought it was the perfect example of the trash that is in popular consumption right now. I found it pretty ironic that the two "christian" books are closely juxtaposed to the two Oprah-crazed new age books. 

I don't know if I'm just being more aware of it in the last year or so, but it seems to me that there is an extra portion of heretical material being made available (and being widely read/discussed) than there was at any other time I can think of. I imagine that it really is no more than before, I just wasn't really aware of it. 

Cake Wrecks

I found this blog, Cake Wrecks, which posts pictures of screwed up cake artistry etc. It's interesting the types of blogs that exist nowadays. I had to post this one because it was just way too funny. I definitely LOLed. I actually found it when I was looking for a quebecois blog about jesus haha. go figure. 

"Sorry about your herpes"

Let's celebrate!

Bucket List

Tonight my dad and I watched The Bucket List. It was a sweet story of two men coming to the end of their lives and deciding to live it up a bit before they die. It was funny, it was tear-jerking, and it made me think of my own life. Sure, I'm only 22 and I have a few years left in me (Lord willing), but I still couldn't help but think about my future.

If I've learned anything in the last few years about how to live life right, it's that I should plan for the future, to live intentionally. My parents taught me that I should be investing in RRSPs as soon as I'm done school. C4C taught me to be intentional in my relationships with others, making sure to consider the spiritual lives of those around me of huge importance. In High School I heard this motivational speaker tell us that the people who make lists while they were young were like 80% more likely to live successful lives, according to the lists they wrote while they were young.

I was skeptical, as a good teenage cynic would be. I wrote the list anyway. It was my secret, written on the walls of my heart. As a 16 year old there were 3 things that were so important to me they made it on my list:

1. Become bilingual (English & French) by the time I was 25.
2. Write a novel.
3. Travel the world.

So far, it's looking pretty promising. I have 3 more years to become fully bilingual and I plan to make it official through the documentation necessary. I'll be pretty upset with myself if I don't do it seeing as I made the goal when I was 16 and I had 9 years to finish it. I wrote a 189 page book in one month when I was 18 (if you've ever wanted to write, you should seriously try this. It's so rewarding..... you'll want quit half the time, so you'll need some pretty good motivation to continue. Seriously fun, though!), and I've travelled a bit of the world.

When it comes to planning ahead, at 16 I think I got a bit of a head start. Soon I will have the ability to save my money and put it towards the things that matter to me. This summer I've been thinking about what it is that matters enough that I should save in the short term for. So tonight when I was watching Edward & Carter go out with a bang I thought I should bring out my list and add to it. I'm not really sure what exactly I'm going to add -- I just have a few ideas:

1. Become bilingual (English & French) by the time I was 25.
2. Write a novel.
3. Travel the world: South Africa, India, Morocco, Egypt, Iran, Greece, Israel, France, Switzerland, Czech Republic, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia, Fiji, Haiti, Brazil, Ecuador, Mexico.
   
4. Skydive.
   

I will add more as I think of it, but right now I'm going to start saving.

2 Cor 5:18-19

With MPD comes lots of expectations. I expected to be nervous about MPD. I expected to have a hard time calling people, to be excited by the process and in seeing God provide. I expected to dislike being in Renfrew. So far, my expectations have not gone unmet. One thing I did not expect to be so closely connected to my MPD is reconciliation. I've had a few appointments where these people have challenged me to reconcile with their children, people I grew up with. 

Last week, one parent said to me, "I have a challenge for you," he said. "I challenge you to call up [my daughter] and meet with her and talk about what happened with your relationship. I want you guys to figure out what went wrong." 

I was pretty stunned by this, I wasn't expecting it. I knew my relationship with their daughter had gone to the dogs, and I knew that I had let them down in some ways by giving up on that friendship. It was a pleasant surprise, after I got over the shock of it. 

It occurred to me on the drive home that I likely would never have gotten in touch with her and made that relationship better had they not specifically challenged me to. Perhaps, later on in life God would put it on my heart and I would have reconciled. It seems that there's something I have to learn from this. I brush off suggestions as "good ideas" or "things I should do in the general future", but if it's framed as a challenge I see it worthy of accomplishing even if simply to keep up appearances. I take a challenge seriously and I like rising to one. I felt more inclined to get in touch with this old friend than to book MPD appointments this week. Perhaps I should frame my MPD more in terms of various challenges I need to reach?

And yes, I did get in touch with her. We're meeting on Saturday for lunch. I hope it goes well and we can figure things out. I'm glad her dad made me do this. It's scary, but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

I just read Tim Challies' post where he explains his answer to his kids when they asked him who he loved more, them or their mother (& his wife). This was his answer:

"'Daddy, who do you love more, Mommy or us?' I thought for just a moment and told them the truth. They cried.

The fact is, I love their mother more than I love them and I told them as much. I did so gently and lovingly but with confidence that I am right to feel this way. I love my children desperately.... There are undoubtedly different kinds of love and we cannot necessary equate the passionate, romantic love I have for my wife with the parental love I have for my children. Where I never chose to love my children, I did choose to love Aileen, or I did as much as anyone can exercise his will in such matters of the heart. There came a time when I set my heart on her and committed myself to loving her for better or for worse."

What he said really made me think about my own life (not my singlness, although it did make me think about that, too). It occurred to me how upset I was when my mom made it clear to me and my brother that we were a side-note to her life with her new husband. This was pretty difficult for me and made me pretty angry. I'm not saying it is wrong, but it just goes to show how awful divorce is in so many different ways. I guess that may also be the root of the archetypal image of the evil step-parent. As children, we think the the step-parent is evil because they are coming between the natural bond between a parent & a child that preceeded the love between the parent & step-parent (but not preceeding the love of the original parents).

Anyways, these are just reflections on growing into adulthood, or something.

ADD

This summer I've noticed that I'm kind of ADD-esque. Well, not really. I don't have ADD and many things can hold my attention. I have noticed, though, that I get really excited and interested in something and I stick to that for a bit and the proceed to move on to something once that initial excitement and interest has passed. Perseverance has really never been my forte. It's kind of annoying, actually. I love the feeling of accomplishment; I rarely experience it. I tend to finish things I cannot quit, but then I find ways to quit more things than the average person. I can justify anything. 

This has made me realize how unprepared I am to move into the next stage of my life. I'm much less mature than I had previously thought, I'm much less put-together and really just feel like I'm fumbling around trying to figure things out. It's weird -- for so long I was very self-assured and self-aware. I knew myself, was comfortable with who I was and that was that. I guess this summer I've realized just how proud I've been and how much of my personality was built on a foundation of pride, what I thought was self-confidence. When the busyness of life quiets down and you find yourself alone, what do you do with your time? I really did not expect my summer to be spent this way. Maybe it will prove useful later, who knows. 

moving up in the world

I'm at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa right now waiting for Wicked to start. It occurred to me when I almost spread my arms & legs after the lady took my ticket thyat it's been a long time since I've been to an entertainment event that does not require me to be frisked on entering. It feels funny. I think I prefer the loud, spirited crowds & lingering scent of pot smoke the accompanies a good concert. But that's just me!

propaganda!

Last week, even though I mentioned to a friend that I was boycotting the olympics, I ended up watching bits and pieces of the Opening Ceremony. It was pretty impressive at times with the choreographed dancing and light displays. But there were a few times when it made me sick to my stomach. At the end Sarah Brightman and Liu Han sang "One World, One dream / we are family" while hundreds of people opened up umbrellas showing ethnically diverse children/people with smiling faces.

I was appalled by this. Sure, it's nice thought, and I guess it probably would apply if all of those people belonged to the Communist Party. But how many people were being beaten and tortured in prison while Sarah Brightman sang in harmony with Liu Han? How many organs were being harvested?

Of course few countries actually have a perfect record of torture & just practices in war, engaging with civil society etc. Canada, maybe we haven't done it ourselves, but we have participated knowingly and given questions to the countries actually doing the torture. I think that counts. The US, well, the US "doesn't" torture like I "don't" like chocolate.

Anyways, the ceremony still made me want to vomit at times. That's all I'm saying.

providence

After what was a not so great week (to say the least) I'm back to 'normal' again. I think. So that's good, although it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll have tons of appointments this week. A lot of people I need to meet with are on vacation still. But I did have a neat story from this past week.

As you may or may not know, the latter part of the phrase "working hard, or hardly working" applied to me this past week. When I went to church today a woman I had never met before (but recognized) came up to me and said she'd like a partnership form. I asked her what she had in mind for giving -- mostly because I didn't know if she was interested in a one-time gift or regular giving. She replied, "Well, I was thinking $50-$100 a month."

I think my eyes popped out of my head like they do in cartoons. She later explained that she had been moving money into another account and didn't really know why until she heard about my ministry. That's cool. And so undeserved!

get lost

I'm really not enjoying being here at home. I think I've communicated that before. I've been home from Staff Conference only two days and already I'm hating it. I was trying to figure out what it is about this place that I can't stand. I realized that the lack of motivation that I've been feeling this summer is not restricted to MPD -- I felt it while I was in school, too. But when I was in Kingston I could easily change scenery or atmosphere and that was all I needed. I'd go to the Library or M-C or the Goat or whatever. Here I don't really feel like I can do that. When I walk down the street people gawk at me because I don't look like I fit in, there is no coffee shop that has wireless where I can do work.

A few months ago while I was still in Kingston I asked my friend where she wanted to move. She said Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver -- somewhere that has a population of over a million. When I asked why she replied, "I  really like the feeling of disappearing in a sea of people." 

When she said that I kind of thought she had some sort of complex, some sort of social disfunction or self-image problem that she didn't value herself and wanted to disappear. But now i understand what she meant. I realize that I miss the anonymity of Kingston, even if Kingston isn't by any means comparable in size to Montreal. 

And so, because I feel like when I walk down the street people are staring, because I feel like there is no where to go, because I listen to these ridiculous doubts or discomforts in my head I've pretty much become a shut-in, a recluse. 

I just want to be lost in a sea of people, in the healthiest way possible!

math

So I was quite encouraged at staff conference about my MPD. I had a couple people tell me that being at 40% was pretty great -- even Lydia & Silas (apparently, so I heard) were at about 30% by Staff conference & they made it to campus by Oct/Nov. I did some math & figured out what I had to accomplish if I wanted all my pledges to be in by October 15. I just picked the 15th cause it's a nice middle number. So I did some math and found out that I need to raise double my weekly goal (set by MPD coaches) in order to make it on campus by then. DOUBLE. I guess that means i need to do double the work I've been doing which roughly works out to 10 appointments a week.... which is, consequently, what I was supposed to be doing anyways. I'm encouraged by that!

grampy

If a stranger walked into my granny & grampy's condo and looked at every painting, every wall-hanging, every book on each shelf and every photo in each frame, 4 things would be very clear about my grandfather:

He loved the ocean and he loved to be on boats in the ocean. Growing up on the west coast and in his late teens becoming a sailor, he has always had a passion for the sea. Even his testimony is related to sailing. During his younger years, after being raised in a religious home, he found himself loving the bottle far too much and searching for meaning in his life. His mother, noticing his sudden desire for something more, handed him a Bible and told him to read John. The rest is history. Grampy specifically liked tugboats, although his 20 pictures & paintings on the walls include more kinds of boats than simply tugboats. Tugboats/sailing for grampy is what pink is for me. His email address is related to boats, his password too! He has a subscription to Mariner magazine and spent many a year at sea in some way. I was telling granny that it's neat that Grampy was so passionate about something that it is so clearly connected to him -- anyone who knows him will be reminded of him whenever they see a tugboat or something.

The second thing they would notice is that he has lots of family/children/grandkids and he loved them all dearly. The only thing that outdoes the number of boat-related pictures is the number of grandchild-paraphanalia everywhere. There are pictures of us from babies to current photos, there are hockey pictures and football pictures, school pictures and grad photos. It was always very clear that Grampy loved us dearly, each and every one. I don't think anyone ever felt that he loved any one of us more or less, even though he's not my mom & aunt's biological father. Grampy loved much because he had been forgiven much.

The third thing people would be able to tell is that granny & him had a really full life together. They traveled all over the world from Hawaii to the Medeterrainian and Alaska - they've made many wonderful memories together. Sadly, they had to cancel a cruise when grampy got sick but they cannot say they didn't get to live life to the full before his sickness.

Last but not least in any way is the evidence of Grampy's deep relationship with God. Everywhere I turned (and I'm not exaggerating) is a Bible. There is a Bible in every room of this place, and in the guest room there are 10 bibles on the shelf. Not that spirituality is measured by how many Bibles one owns, but it was just such a testament to his life. At his memorial service 350 people attended and so many people shared stories of how Grampy was the reason they were a Christian. Granny said that she had no idea how many Bibles he had purchased over the years--at any spark of interest in the Lord grampy was in the store buying a Bible for them. Most people had no clue that he had affected so many people because he was such a quiet, private person. I'm looking forward to reading the tribute book my granny is putting together. She found that so many lives were changed by him that she wanted as many stories about him as possible so that everyone could read about it. I'm so thrilled that she wants me to take as many books off his bookshelf as I want. I've been through it and I've taken 20 so far. Jerry Bridges, John MacArthur, Watchman Nee & tons more.

Surrounded by these pictures of him with us grandkids is so like him. He was so lively, so animated. He was always joking around, pulling pranks on people. It's such a shock to think that he wont be walking back in that door with granny on the way back from the grocery store. It's easy to forget that he wont be telling me his latest joke. I really have no clue what heaven is like -- I know that there are no tears there. If we continue our personalities on with our spirit to heaven, then I'm sure grampy is cracking jokes with the saints.

till death do us part

Mourning is an interesting thing. It's difficult to know if you're doing it right because it's something so unique to everyone. This is a lesson my granny is learning. "What's the hardest part about grampy being gone?" I asked her. "Everything being so unexpected. I never know when a fit of tears will come; if I'll be in the grocery store or if I'll see his signature somewhere and the tears will come. I hate that."

That song-lyric turned cliché phrase is true, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's so easy to take for granted the little things. After having a companion for 36 years and then losing them even the little things in life are strange and absurd even. Granny and I were in the grocery store yesterday and she was getting some bacon for breakfast this morning. She stood there over the bacon and said, "Now I have to find bacon that's lean. That was always Bob's job."

How do you start living alone when you've leaned on someone for so long? when your hearts have been knitted together so tightly, when your thoughts and movements run parallel for what you thought would be for much longer. It's hard for her to see these old couples with their walkers taking evening strolls together, and now here she is a 74 year old widow.

James 1:26-27 carries new meaning for me now: Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

unplanned trip to my destiny, or something

Chapters.

When I walk into that store something happens to me. When I peruse through the stationery section with all the beautiful, inspiring journals I get excited. When I consider the wealth of knowledge in that store it makes me yearn to know everything. Walking through the aisles taking in all the book titles, different waves of emotion come over me.

Christianity section. Ooh! C.S Lewis. Hmm, Philip Yancey -- dad already has that book. What is that?? Is that Joel Osteen looking back at me? In the Christianity section? Shouldn't that be the HERESY section? UGH. Angerrrrrr. Ok, Jessica, calm down. Move right along. Ignore the God Wears Lipstick book too.

I knew I had over an hour to kill as I waited for my brothers to finish up at Lebaron, so I looked for the Webdesign section. Travel, yes I'd like to. Foreign Language, can I become bilingual by reading a book? Before I reached the Webdesign section, Writing, Copywriting caught my attention. As I looked at the books on proper grammar, I recalled my spur-of-the-moment purchase of Eats, Shoots & Leaves in first year. I should finish that. The books on the art of self-editing, how to develop your character, how to get published, how to find a space of your own -- they sparked something in me. My deep, hidden desire to be a writer. Like a nerdy-person's version of being a rockstar. Being a writer is like being a rockstar, really. Instead of writing catchy music that cause people to raise their hands in worship at your concert, readers follow the rhythm of your dialogue and are mesmerized by your ability to weave words together with style, craft and fortitude. I want to be both. Is that even allowed?

Flipping through Telling True Stories, I had this image of me sitting at a café with my MacBookPro writing because I wanted to and because I could. And the best part is: I like my dreams and I don't care if people laugh at me for being an aspiring writer/rockstar/missionary/web designer. My life is going to be FUN.

5 things I will remember about this summer

01. Canada Dry Green Tea Gingerale. It's really nice & light, not too sweet & not bitter. I'm surprised I like it because I'm not a huge green tea fan and I like really sweet things, but I've switched from drinking Pepsi to drinking this. So yummy.

02. Marc Dupré. I found him in second year by searching "é" on the student file-sharing network. It was one of my favourite "stealing" experiences. Since then I deleted his first (very good album) because I didn't purchase it but bought his newest album on iTunes. [Sidenote: I hope when I'm in Montreal I find someone just as goodlooking as him with a tatoo from a past he has forsaken, a good working knowledge of Perl and all those other computer-geek languages as well as a God-given desire to be my husband. We'll have to see.]

03. John & Kate + 8. Also known colloquially as J&K+8. How can you not like 6 little 3 year olds that hug and pull each other's hair? Mostly I love them from afar, I would probably be the worst mother of 8 children in the history of mothers. Except for I think I could do a better job than Hitler's mom. I think I can manage to not raise racist children. Anyways, they're cute & you should check out TLC practically any time to find why these kids are so great. Also, they're a christian family which is obviously neat.

04.  The mountains of BC. I hadn't seen them in 10 years and  I really didn't remember what they looked like. I know what a mountain looks like, but it's different than seeing them in the distance a lot. I like that I'm guaranteed to see them next week and next summer as well. Sweeeet. 

05. the Telephone/MPD. Do you remember reading  Seventeen magazine or CosmoGIRL! or YM or whatever when you were younger? Do you remember the Hot/Not sections that explained what was cool that season & what wasn't? Well, I'll be looking back on this summer and remembering how all of a sudden I was pushed so suddenly back into the world of telephoning people I don't know (instead of fbing/emailing them). It's a strange thing the phone. So foreign to me. Now, if I had an iPhone I may be much more inclined to call people. Maybe that's what I should do - buy an iPhone in celebration of reaching 50% by mid august (please, Lord!). Anyways, I have a new aversion to the phone because it is what I have to use to call strangers. 

full assurance of hope until the end

"And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." Hebrews 6:11-12.

This is officially my MPD verse.

the end of the.... telephone receiver?

I know I've been talking a lot about this, but it's because it's all that's happening. Me battling my laziness & procrastination. I admit: I'm a fool. I'm illogical and ridiculous and I waste time. This week I had a few pretty good appointments with some solid referrals. One potentially could lead to some MPs which is neat. 

Today after a conversation with my dad and through reading a few chapters of some book about breaking bad habits, I realized that I'm making this all much worse and longer than it needs to be. And then my dad and I watched The End of the Spear. Talk about reinforcing the point that my MPD is really not that big of a deal. You know, since it doesn't involve martyrdom. I hope it's smooth sailing from here. I pray. 

i'm posting this so the internet will keep me accountable... or you will

MPD has been a bit of a struggle for me the last few weeks. It hasn't been that I haven't had contacts to contact. It hasn't been that I have had tons of 'no's and been discouraged. It boils down to the fact that I had went away & didn't set any appointments up for the next week and proceeded to do very little that week. 

So now I've lost momentum (which we were warned not to lose).

BUT, things have been picking up this week! I've had two appointments & some really great referrals. I have 2 more appointments (& possibly 4 if things work out in the next few days). I've re-gained motivation because these appointments have shown me that people are actually interested in what I'm doing & want to support me (imagine that!). I really do want to be done by September/October for different reasons. Now I see that it's quite possible if I get enough appointments done in a week. Before my thinking was more like "i can work really hard and it still might not work out, so why work really hard?" How pessimistic of me! 

So now really the task of mastering my own procrastination. Please wish me luck because it is not an easy thing to master. EVERYTHING IN ME IS TELLING ME TO MASTER IT LATER haha. seriously. But I guess I've decided that I actually wouldn't mind MPD being (most of) my life if it actually gets me on campus by the fall. 

why I am the way I am

2 reasons why I enjoy my dad:

1. He says things like: "Forget the fireworks; feed the poor!"
2. When pushing the grocery cart back to the car he'll run with the cart & then hop on to the back and ride it to the car, as if he is 5. He's 50 at the end of July. 

ch-ch-ch-changes

So far in MPD I've really been forced to revisit almost every area of who I used to be before God really started changing me. It has been a gentle thing which I'm very grateful for because a lot of these things I would rather forget. Like the one MPD appointment where my supporter told me I had really hurt her son growing up (I was a mean kid, maybe even a bit of a bully?). That appointment made me really have to consider who I was back then and who I had become. I had to ask the question 'why did I turn out semi-decently when I could have been many many other things'? 

I've had to sort of revisit another aspect of my past which I wont go into detail here. It also relates to MPD because I need to ask myself – do I really want to approach these people and give them the opportunity to share in what I'm doing. I formerly would really loved to never hear their names or speak to them ever again. Not because I have any un-dealt with feelings but because it would just be so awkward because of what took place between their family and mine. 

What got me thinking about this was because my one really super enthusiastic champion supporter wanted to introduce me to some of his business partners. I ended up going to a Landowners Union political rally. Say what?

Some of you may know that I live in the country & spent the majority of my life in a rinkidink town full of people who drive their skidoos to school in the winter and listen to country music very loudly and take much pride in their country-ness. I spent the first 6 years of my life in Saskatoon and had always thought of myself as a city girl. When I moved to the town I live in now, that translated as HUGE pride and I was a snob about it. I pretty much carried that with me to a lesser extent until I got to university. Even still I can see traces of it in me, but there are things that I really value about my time in the area and really wouldn't trade it for anything. I still don't really like country music but there definitely is something attractive about a man who feels comfortable tacking horses, even if I know very little about it. 

So here I find myself being asked to write articles for a local magazine called "Landowner" and attending a political rally raising awareness that the Government is doing all this crappy stuff to local rural people. Standing there listening to the people talking I had profound respect for them. They were not the uneducated farmers who chose to farm because they couldn't work the stock market & now are asking ridiculous things of the government. They were citizens who did their research – quoted the UN HABITAT document (we studied that a bit in a class I took) and were civil society collaborating and engaging the government to protect their rights and to keep it in check. I've written many arguments about how this is a key factor in a healthy democracy. 

I did feel very out of place even just in what I was wearing but I felt quite at home with these white-40+-farmers because they sounded a lot like some of my left-wing classmates. It was a very interesting and enlightening experience for me. And I got to meet some potential supporters, too. 

I feel so out of my element. I feel like God is totally forcing me to deal with this not-so-secret semi-resentment for the place I grew up. I think part of the reason I felt this way about the place I live is that I just never really felt like I fit in. I definitely contributed to this because I distanced myself from the local culture (but I have grown an appreciation for AC/DC, which is very much an Ottawa Valley thing). 

I'm glad this is happening; I don't exactly want to be a proud snob! 

hands held high

When I was driving to Southern Ontario I listened to the new Linkin Park CD. Yes, I often like their songs. This one song that I'm going to share with you made me cry! Maybe cause I was hormonal (I don't really think I was though), but anyways. 

I'd also like to remind people of the disclaimer on the sidebar before they look at this video, and note that the language used in this video isn't exactly clean. This song speaks to me especially because of the hippie-protester in me. Anyways, what really hit me in this song is the direct link to the horrible state of the world & Christianity. That just really upset me. People look to America and see a war waged in the name of God and think that all Christians love super right-wing economic policy & questionable business practices. Awesome. 

Hands Held High by Linkin Park

adventures in driving

Wednesday I drove to Elmira where my dad's family is in order to do some MPD. Thursday morning I had an appointment and right after that I had to pick up Angela from her North Africa STINT debrief. The week earlier we discussed how to get there, which consisted of her telling me the name of the place, me searching it on google maps & getting the map. 

Thursday at noon I left St. Clements to drive to what I was led to believe was a retreat centre just south of Guelph. That was true, but not quite what I had in mind. The following was the map I had found in my quick google maps query:

maps wouldn't let me embedd a map, so here's the link to where the wrong directions brought me & where I needed to go. 

So that's pretty easy, I figured. But when I arrived at 12:30 sharp, I found I was in a residential area with nothing like a retreat centre in site. I had no address. All I had was the name of the place that was in an email on my iPod. It seemed as if I was screwed. So having NO CLUE where this thing was I stopped at a gas station and asked if they recognized the name. Being that it was a Christian retreat centre i figured they probably didn't recognize it. They didn't. They did recognize Puslich, ON and gave me directions to that. 

Ok, I realized at this point that I was on a bit of an adventure.

I got to the lights, drove to the next set of lights and found that there was not a gas station like the man had said. I continued on until I did find another gas station and went in for directions again. The guy pulled out a map (funny, you'd think I would have just bought it off of him since it was a store and everything) and showed me where I was. I had gone in the opposite direction the gas station guy had told me. Minor details. So I was twice as far away from where I needed to be. He gave me directions and as I drove I started forgetting them. I knew I needed to turn left in to the 34 & get to Brock St. but where the heck did I turn? My first left? The first stop sign? I took the first left and drove until the next main road. I found myself on hwy 6. Not where I wanted to be. I went down there and took what look like maybe it was the right road. I ended up back on the road I had turned off of that got me to hwy 6. Ugh. somehow i managed to weave my way to the original place that got me onto the 34. 

ANYWAYS, I got VERY LOST. And I still had no idea where this place was. I somehow managed to remember that where I needed to go was south-east and relatively near to the 401. I didn't mean to get onto the 401 but the road i was travelling on just turned into a turn-pike going east on the 401. haha oops. I took the first exit and found myself at a red light turning waiting to turn left. At this point I was soooooo frustrated and still had no idea where I was going. It was 1:45. I had been driving for almost 2 hours. I had previously prayed for a sign -- a physical sign or something else. 

And then there the sign was, in all it's glory. A van pulled across my vision as it turned left in front of me. And there she was, Selina one of the STINTers in the van. I knew that she had come from the direction that I was planning on turning away from. So I ended up turning right - driving, and miraculously found the place. Reunited with Angela!

For amusement sake I will show you the ridiculous route I took in getting to the place:

The pink lightning bolt is where I had my Selina sighting. I'd also like to point out that the purple line is not even the directions the 2nd gas station dude told me to go. He told me to take the 34 straight to Brock St = I wouldn't have a) seen Selina or b) really gotten to my destination like I had hoped. So the getting-lost thing was to my advantage... sort of.